In this, the third episode of this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, things kicked into full gear. Bravo teased us by promising to make everyone talk about whether or not Kyle’s husband is cheating on her (which is still undetermined, at least as far as the show’s plot goes), but for me, newcomer Carlton proved the most interesting of the attention-vacuums. She has a confessional in her home, but don’t ask her about Catholicism when she invites you over. She’s a witch, but don’t ask her about being a witch. Carlton thinks you are all very rude, even if she hasn’t met you yet. Except Brandi. Carlton loves Brandi, probably because Brandi is pretty and that’s the most important thing about a person. I don’t even care about Kyle and her slimy husband when the alternative is listening to Carlton talk herself in circles about nonsense.

1. I have never lounged in lingerie with my ladyfriends. And I definitely don’t take off my lingerie and take a bath in front of them. I am clearly not cut out for reality TV stardom.

2. Joyce can crown people “Queen of the Universe.” Because she decided that she can! The level of self-regard required to wake up one morning and decide that you are qualified to appoint someone Queen of the Universe must be astounding. Also, what about all the alien women who haven’t been considered for this title? They live in the universe. Some of them might be hot. This all sounds really subjective and maybe even discriminatory. Against aliens.

3. No uggos for Carlton. Her nanny is hot because she only wants her son to be around hot women. There is absolutely no chance of that parenting attitude turning a little boy into an absolute woman-hating nightmare when he grows up. Not at all. Perish the thought. Also, Carlton also doesn’t like to be around average-looking chicks herself, because never forget, ladies: the way you look is what makes you a good or bad person.

4. Yolanda’s blonde looks good this season. Her hair was a little touch-and-go sometimes last year, but I’d imagine that seeing yourself from all angles on camera will get that kind of thing fixed up real quick when you have resources like Yolanda’s.

5. Brandi’s boyfriend didn’t seem all that bummed about getting dumped on camera. I’m not entirely convinced he was her boyfriend to begin with. “Ambitious real estate agent with benefits” sounds more likely.

6. Lisa got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. Speaking of people who didn’t seem all that bummed.

7. Among the things that Carlton thinks is inappropriate: asking if she’s Catholic. Sure, decorate your entire cathedral of a house in religious iconography (complete with an actual confessional) and layer yourself in crosses, but how dare anyone ask if your aesthetic was inspired by a Catholic upbringing? How offensive that anyone intimate you might have a thought or two about the Pope rolling around in your head.

8. Also offensive to Carlton: asking if she’s a witch. I mean, she is a witch. But don’t ask her about that.

9. Not offensive: calling Carlton a c-u-next-tuesday. Well.

10. Joyce doth protest too much. Her man is the best lover ever! Her man is so big! Her man is perfect! The more she brags, the more convinced I become that he has someone chained up in a basement sex dungeon or something.

11. It’s women’s own fault that we aren’t in charge of things. Carlton solved feminism, everybody! It’s not systematic discrimination or structural sexism or internalized misogyny or anything! It’s just us, being inferior and dumb and catty.

12. Is Mauricio cheating? Maybe? Probably? Aren’t most of the the cast members’ husbands cheating, if Real Housewives history has taught us anything? Whatever the actual answer is, bringing it up in front of the whole group at what was supposed to be a rather innocuous lunch seemed a tad cruel, even to someone like me who can’t stand Kyle most of the time. It’s the type of thing that’s going to get shouted about at a party eventually, of course, but reality TV etiquette at least requires you to whisper about it with feigned discretion for a couple of episodes first.

Episode handbag count: Two Hermes Birkins, one Chanel 2.55 Reissue Bag, two Stella McCartney Falabella bags, one Sophie Hulme Envelope Clutch and one Reed Krakoff Boxer Tote.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Jennifer

    Yolanda had a Birkin too…..& somebody had a Reed Krakoff….pretty sure. Great recap!

    • Ahh yes! I remember the Reed Krakoff in particular. I decided to do the handbag count halfway through, so I figured I missed one or two. Will add those now!

      • Canuck65

        love the handbag count! fun to watch and spot; great recap!

  • Sophia

    Loved that you highlighted Carltons statements; she is unbelievably annoying.

  • Lilly

    I stopped watching this dreg two seasons ago? Anyway, I’ll never see the Kyle hate and sorry Brandi is not even close to being pretty. She’s an over botoxed, big forehead, anorexic hot mess. Her bad attitude is a cry for help, she’s still angry over her cheating ex, so now everyone’s husband is a cheater. She’s the classic case of the girl who too much smoke has be blown up her you know what and actually thinks she’s hot. Not.

    • Tweetie

      ITA….I’ve been watching RHOBH all along, and while none of these women is totally “innocent” of ever firing off barbs or being snarky, Just don’t get the Kyle hate at all. She really tries to be a good friend and does care about others. Whether Mauricio is cheating or not, she has the most normal family. Now Carlton is way over the top weird, and weird looking. Why is it she can only surround herself & her son with hot woman, and she herself is painful to look at?? This is unbelievable to me. What DOES she see when she looks in the mirror? Must be one of those magic mirrors like the evil Queen had in Snow White? I had to stop watching because of the “dream team.” Yolanda & her stupid non logic- the only way she can feign a good argument us to not allow anyone else to talk and just talk a bunch of jibberish. Now that’s the husband who’s most likely to be cheating! The two of the gag next with their superior attitudes. Does he really fancy himself as great as the Beatles??? Does she really think anyone world tune in to her advice giving show? Clowns! Both of them. And Brandi- yech!! Slobbering, sniveling, ….. That woman is NOT attractive, and she always looks like she needs a bath, and she’s hung over. A skinny body does not make a hot body! I doubt she’s been to a gym in years, if ever. Lisa, Kim, Kyle and Joyce are a the very least normally civil people who don’t offend horribly every time they open their mouths. Great call on Carlton here too! She tries to make herself seem interesting and “edgy,” and she’s just hideous. I’ll take Joyce any day over that dream team

  • Metz

    I haven’t watched RH in a long time, but last night I happened to get lured into watching because of the new cast members. I kept thinking “Charlatan” for Carlton. What a creepy, unattractive, and totally annoying woman…. particularly her affected snooty English accent combined with completely back-assward elementary use of personal pronouns. That said, I probably won’t be watching again, but I am going to get back into the habit of reading your delightful recaps, Amanda.

  • bubbled

    Fun handbag count. Who had the Sophie Hulme clutch? I missed that.

    • bubbled

      Actually, did I see Lisa with a Coach Borough bag?

  • kemilia

    Love the handbag count. Wonder why Carlton insists on only having beautiful women around her castle? Hmmm …
    Joyce never has an unpleasant expression on her face, I kinda admire that–always smiles and wide-eyed happiness, and probably surgically induced.
    Love your recaps!

  • LuvleyJubley

    Carlton almost makes me miss Taylor. Bravo really couldn’t cast this season any better than Carlton?