So the good news: the Keeping Up With The Kardashians Greece trip isn’t a two-parter, it’s a three-parter! The bad news: it’s really a 2.5 parter, because half of this ep was consumed by more “Fat Rob” drama, Kim’s divorce drama and Kourtney’s surprise b-day party non-drama. We’ll deal with domestic issues first.

Kim was headed back to court on this ep, and she still seemed strangely obsessed with the idea of having a final one-on-one convo with ex Kris Humphries before her divorce was finalized – she still had unresolved issues about how things went down. (If it makes you feel better, Kim, we’re all still slightly traumatized by the whole affair.) I seriously doubt Kris Humphries will ever oblige her because he probably feels like he spent enough screen time on KUWTK as it is. Sadly, we’ll never get to be a fly on the wall for that convo. However, Kris Humphries, probably sensing KUWTK producers circling above his head, finally conceded to a divorce rather than an annulment. Huzzah! Now Kim gets to pop out Kanye’s baby as a legally single lady, which is slightly less embarrassing in her mind, I suppose. This is all very recent news, of course, so no surprises here.

Kourtney’s birthday just happened to fall on the same day this all went down, and the family was scrambling to throw together a surprise party for her. It was hard to dupe Kourt into attending a surprise party, though, because she couldn’t be sold on the fake idea of a cozy b-day dinner with her fake husband. Scott’s dupery skills were surprisingly poor, as he failed to wheel Kourtney into her crappy family surprise party at the appropriate time, which Khloe thought was extremely tacky. Meanwhile, the dudes had been pre-gaming with shots for over an hour! This could only end well…

I just want to take a minute to point out that Kourt’s surprise party mostly seemed to consist of all the people we see on this show anyway! Either her non-reality celeb friends all remained off-screen, or Kourt just doesn’t have a lot of friends she’s not related to by blood or marriage. Or her fam just didn’t invite them, because anyone who won’t sign a waiver to be on their show is basically dead to them. In any case. Kourt, I am available for some lady hang time. We have a lot in common – we both like a lot of the same designers, and we both think your fam is ridiculous. Also, I promise not to creep on Scott Disick, though I must admit he amuses me greatly.

Meanwhile, Rob was still experiencing some major hang-ups about his body. He was supposedly on the path to working out and eating better, but we really can’t tell how far along the path he really is because all that action remains off-camera. (Though to his credit, he did beat up that paparazzi chick outside of a gym, so we know he’s been at least once.) Early on in the episode, Brody and Rob had some serious step-bro time, and Brody encouraged Rob to own his body and “go for it”, which either meant…work out, or embrace your newfound voluptuousness…or something.

It doesn’t seem like Rob can really be around his family this season without being reminded of his current schlubby status. Unsurprisingly, he flaked on the Greece trip because he didn’t want to be videotaped in a swimsuit. I can sympathize. His family knew he was flaking, though, and so did Rob, who told Lamar verbatim, “I flaked on Greece.” Then they had a dudely heart-to-heart. Once again, the issue of whether Rob’s weight gain was tied to deeper feelings of inadequacy and depression was broached; there are so many man feelings on KUWTK this season, I can hardly stand it. I feel like we’ve reached a point in the series where the menfolk are sharing their emotional BS on the regular, and all the Kardashian ladies just sort of walk around pretending their Chanel don’t stink. But I digress…

As I’ve mentioned at least a dozen times already this season, the Kardashians are going to Greece, and this time, they’re including Brody, Brandon and Leah in the family vacay fun! (The jokes on them of course, because these vacations are always loaded with unnecessary drama.) Brody was only invited at Rob and Bruce’s behest, however, as Kris Jenner intentionally didn’t invite Brody to Greece because she’s an “evil step-monster” (her words), but she appeared to be under the impression that Brody was a huge flake who never responded to her texts and phone calls, essentially. Brody was finally invited to come along nonetheless, with the (horrible) idea that everyone would talk their issues out in Mykonos, which seems like a great way to spend your vacay! I frequently spend my entire family vacation pretending I don’t have ANY issues with my family, and it usually works out just fine.

Leah, Brandon, and Brody were the first to make it to Mykonos. Their rental was, of course, a palatial, oceanfront Adriatic estate with a stone stairway down to the ocean. Leah instantly took to the water like a whimsical little mer-person, and the Jenner-Felders used their alone time to gossip about the sad, sad state of Bruce and Kris’ relationship. (Stars, they’re just like us! Apparently Bruce still had the Malibu rental at this point, which I’ve been curious about since the beginning of the season.) Brody also lamented the fact that Rob, his fellow single dude compatriot, had flaked on the trip, even though he was the one who had convinced Brody to come in the first place. Flaky flakers flaking on other flaky flakers.

The rest of the fam was very slowly making their way across the Atlantic – Kourt, Scott, Kris, and the kiddos all took a quick pit-stop in London on their way to Greece to get a little shopping in. We actually wrote up a celeb post several months ago ripping on the Kardashians and their rather epic pile of Louis Vuitton luggage, and a certain someone commented that they were on their way to a two-week Greece trip. (ID yourself, krazy Kardashian insider!)

Kris and Kourt then darted off to Greece, leaving Scott behind to enjoy an extra long layover in London, which can only mean one thing…LORD DISICK IS BACK! Lord Disick needed to tend to his subjects…or that random three-square-foot patch of land he reigns supreme over! If “Scott in London” doesn’t get a full hour of screen time over the course of the next 2 episodes, I’m just DONE.

Finally Kim, Kris, Kourt, and Khloe all arrived in Mykonos, and things between Brody and Kris were instantly a little awkward. Not so awkward that it would ruin a vacation or anything, unless you kept poking at that awkwardness with a stick to pump up your ratings, of course. When Brody brought up the fact that Rob frequently flaked on gym dates, surf dates, family vacays, etc., Kris made a mild attempt to call Brody out for never responding to her texts or calls…or at least, for not responding that one time. (Really? Is that what this is all about? Oy vey.) Brody just insisted that she didn’t have his correct info. Seems legit. Wise move, bro! I’m just going to assume this Kris-Brody awkwardfest is really the result of some truly illicit sexual tension. Because we’ve all seen the man. This, strangely, was where they chose to conclude Part I.

More Kardashian trivia we gleaned from this ep:

Khloe Kardashian is afraid of whales. I wonder if she’s confusing whales with…sharks?

Kourt’s birthday clutch looked pretty fab – could anyone ID? It was black satin with a multitone lining and what looked like a large plexiglass or possibly crystal-type clasp. Ring any bells?

Also, does Brody Jenner have a vested interest in Rockstar energy drinks? He wears a lot of their swag.

Ping pong is still the sport du jour at Casa de Kardashian-Jenner!

Next week: the rest of the fam arrives in Mykonos, Kendall gets left out of practically everything, and Brody tells Kris Jenner he “doesn’t think she ever gave two ‘Chanels’ about how they were raised.” He doesn’t say “Chanels” of course, because that would make him too, too clever.

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