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I was going to try and figure out how to link this back to handbags in some sort of tenuous, cursory way so that it made sense that I was writing it, but then I realized that I’ve been writing about Real Housewives for well over a year with absolutely no logical link between those posts and the normal subject matter of this blog and decided to dispense with that pretense entirely. And no one’s really thinking about bags today anyway, right? It’s New Year’s Eve. You should all be thinking about champagne and glitter and how crappy 2010 turned out to be. But mostly champagne and glitter!

Because this is a special sort of holiday that requires its own special wardrobe, booze and events, let’s take a look at the things we do and ways we behave on New Year’s Eve that really aren’t acceptable for adults on any other day of the year. Except for Halloween, of course, but that’s a whole different post that I should have written two months ago.

1. Standing out in the middle of Times Square for hours on end. Really, Times Square? It’s already a craven, Disney-fied tourist trap on every other day of the year, but on New Year’s Eve it’s like the whole area took a giant hit of meth and decided it would be cool to stay up all night and grind its metaphorical teeth. There is no way that going to Times Square on New Year’s Eve is advisable in any way, shape or form, but literally thousands of people convince themselves that for New Year’s, it’ll be great. Really. That kind of faulty logic isn’t to be tolerated on any other day.

2. Dressing in head-to-toe sparkles. I love sequins, rhinestones and glitter just as much as the next girl, but making an entire outfit out of them makes you look like a life-size, spangly Disco Barbie. At a normal party requiring cocktail attire, you can either wear a sequined dress or sparkly accessories. On New Year’s Eve, you’ll have the most boring outfit at the club if you don’t do both.

3. Speaking of sparkles: glitter eyeliner. Full disclosure: I own glitter eyeliner. I bought it of my own free will, and I allow it to socialize with the rest of my eyeliner in my makeup kit. It was purchased for Halloween, though, and since I don’t go to raves (do they still have raves?) or make a habit of recreating early-2000s Britney Spears videos in my spare time, that’s the only time I’ve ever worn it. Will I wear it tonight? Girl, you know it.

4. Drinking Andre champagne. Never had Andre? Don’t try it. There’s no excuse for it. But across America tomorrow night, people young and old will imbibe what is possibly the cheapest, worst sparkling wine that their local grocery stores carry, mostly because it’s just what you do. Extra points if you drink it straight from the bottle, with the possibility for bonus points if you do so with a very long straw. As with a glitter outfit, if you’re not doing this on New Year’s, you might as well be standing in the corner with a dunce cap on. Any other time? People assume that you have some sort of problem. If not several problems. And really, they have a point.

5. Listening to this Prince song.

Oh, who am I kidding? Prince is awesome all the time. Have a safe and ridiculous time tonight, everyone!

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