Dear Vaughn,
When you look back at these letters and see that I didn’t have to start combining your sister’s monthly letters until she was past one, don’t feel bad. In no way does it reflect on my love for you, mama is just busy (and tired). It’s so different having you as my second baby, because while everything new is just as exciting as it was with your sister, everything new that used to worry me no longer does. My job of being your mom is my favorite and most demanding job, but I wouldn’t change it (ok, except some nights when I’m just really exhausted I think back to my days pre-babies with a bit of nostalgia).
The past few months you’ve changed so much. We reached many firsts: laughing, rolling over, nearly sitting up unassisted, moving from your bassinet to your big boy crib, and sleeping through the night. You are equal parts the most laid back baby ever along with incredibly dramatic. Part of the reason you didn’t get any letters sooner is I physically could not put you down to sleep and have you stay asleep. Even though you’re my second baby and you’d think I know what I’m doing this time around, you threw some curveballs my way. You happily slept on my chest every day for majority of your naps. And I let you. When I say I loved it and wouldn’t change one moment of that, I mean it. Of course, I wanted to get more done at those times, but I also know that these months will fly by and I would never get them back so I wanted to soak them all in. People kept telling me you’d become so used to being held that you wouldn’t fall asleep on your own, and I was certain they were wrong and you would. But those people were right. While you slept like an angel on my chest, the minute I put you down it was tears and screaming. So then I began rocking you, and it became this long ordeal for every single nap and bed time. Rocking and walking and singing and nursing and trying that routine for an hour at a time. Even with all that love, you’d still cry and pop awake the minute I put you down to bed.
I hate to hear you cry and I kept trying to do everything in my power to keep you from crying, but I finally gave in. We hired a sleep trainer for you (you adore her, so I knew you were in good hands). I told her I hated to hear my babies cry and I am of the mindset that you can’t love on your kids too much ever. She assured me that while this would involve some crying, it would help teach you to self soothe and you would be happier because you could sleep. For hours leading up to her arrival on the night she was coming to work with us on changing our habits, I contemplated calling it off. But because you were already crying with me doing everything I could, I knew my way wasn’t working and it wasn’t just hard on me but also on you. She came on Mother’s Day and that night you slept through the night. You handled every single nap like a champ, falling asleep within a couple minutes of being put down, and bed time the same. Not only did this make me a new and refreshed mama, but you my little ham were so much happier being well rested! Unlike your sister, you desperately live by your schedule. You need your naps, you need a long restful sleep, so your schedule is fairly set.
While growing so much faster and bigger than Millie, you actually don’t love to eat. Nursing you is a game as you simply want to look up at me and try to get my attention to laugh and smile. Of course I want to stare at you all day, but I also need you to eat. I’ve been having to pump and give you bottles, either with someone else giving the bottle or I do it and you face out looking at the world around you. Eating isn’t your favorite thing as you’d much prefer monitoring everything happening in the room you’re in. Sometimes it takes you 10 minutes to eat a great meal and other times for an hour I’m trying to nurse or give you a bottle and you want nothing to do with it. I assumed all babies loved to eat, but you aren’t one of them. It stumps us all, but you’re growing like a champ and you think it’s all a funny game.
You love your family and light up when any of us lock eyes with you. Sometimes I see your little round face searching the room for me and once you get my attention you light up in a way that makes my entire world stop. But your sister – you think she is the absolute best, and you aren’t wrong. She loves you so deeply and wants to play with you and take care of you, and you already look up to her. She makes you laugh and you always go out of your way to follow every move she’s making. You put everything in your mouth these past few months and it frustrates her when you take her Paw Patrol figures from her. She’s working on sharing them, but those are her holy grail toys right now so you’re pushing your luck. The people you see often and know you love, but you’ve started to develop stranger danger and will cry the saddest cry when someone new walks into the room and oh boy, if they try to hold you, you cry while searching the room for me or your dada to rescue you.
I want to remember everything about you. I want to remember your chubby little hands grabbing for my face when you want to cuddle. I want to remember how you try to kiss my face and neck when you’re sleepy with your slobbery open mouth kisses. I want to remember the way you sleepily smile when I go into your room to get you out of your crib after a nap. I want to remember the way you swat away your bottle even though it’s time to eat. I want to remember the way you pause so often while nursing to look up and make sure that I see you seeing me. I want to remember it all. The time with you has flown by and I am so lucky I get to spend so much time with you. I always tell you that mommy loves you so much, and I will forever try to find better words to describe my love for you. I always wanted a son and you baby boy are the sun in my life.
Love,
Mama
