Can we interest you in [double checks notes] literally a $1,000 tin can
In some ways, the extravagantly wealthy are just like us: we all celebrate holidays and give gifts to our loved ones, after all. In other ways, they're completely different: for instance, did you know you can spend hundreds of dollars on a tape measure? I didn't until yesterday, and now I'm here to share that information with you, as part of the dozen most ridiculous other gift ideas I could track down on this here internet. Enjoy them (or, in some cases, cringe along with me) below.
Alexandra Llewellyn Skull Poker Set
$12,455 via Moda Operandi
The weirdest pattern I found in gift guides for the extremely wealthy is that they all include at least one, if not several, mind-bendingly expensive gaming sets, like rich people just sit in their studies and play Luxury Tiddlywinks against themselves all day. A suspiciously high number of these gaming sets are backgammon, which is wild, because you'll never convince me anyone on this planet knows how to play backgammon. This one is poker, at least, which lots of people know how to play because of that weird era in the mid-2000s where they showed a lot of it on ESPN2.
Cabana Large Decorated Wooden Sphere
$660 via Moda Operandi
Look, if you want a mildly creepy rich person wooden orb in your home, that's your business. I'm just saying, this one looks like it's going to cost you $660 up front and then a lot more later when a demon uses it to steal your child's soul in the night and then holds it for ransom.
Hermès Foosball Table
$68,300 via Hermès
When you want the dive bar experience, but you have a two-decade streak of not touching a single thing that was not hand-crafted by expert French artisans, and you don't want to break it now.
Irene Neuwirth Rose Gold and Multi Stone Necklace
$318,040 via Moda Operandi
It's a really top-tier rich person flex to spend a third of a million dollars on jewelry that everyone will assume is fancy costume when you wear it with a sweater set to the country club luncheon.
Net-a-Porter Handbag of the Month Club
$54,256 via Net-a-Porter
This incredibly specifically priced gift buys the recipient the opportunity to pick one handbag from Net-a-Porter's stock every month for a year, up to the purchase price of the membership. The math on the purchase price works out to a $4,521.33 allowance per month, and if you don't use it all up before the end of the year, you get the remainder in a gift card. Or you could just, like, wire transfer your beloved $54,000 and let them ball out in whatever way the spirit moves them. Either one, really! This is not a real problem.
Puiforcat Sterling Silver Tape Measure
$865 via Moda Operandi
To be used exclusively for measuring stacks of cash, gold bars and the depth of your basement tank of gold coins before you Scrooge McDuck straight into it. Safety first.
Yours & Mine Rolls Royce Dawn Drophead Coupés
$439,625 and $445,750 for Blue and Orange, Respectively, via Neiman Marcus
His and hers Rolls Royce convertibles are a ridiculous gift, but I'm honestly a little miffed on behalf of rich people that they can't even pick their own colors here. Blue and orange? If I'm gonna pay a million bucks for two cars, I'm not gonna get the weird leftover seasonal the colors.
Saint Louis Arlequin Five Light Candelabra
$17,000 via Moda Operandi
Really this is a consolation prize for your partner not being able to give you what you actually asked for: the reanimated corpse of Liberace, playing a show only for you. Sorry, maybe the technology will be ready by next year.
Stalvey 24k Gold Crocodile Teddy Bear
$32,000 via Moda Operandi
The perfect gift for when you had a child more for the super-luxe rich baby aesthetic on Instagram than, ya know, to have a child.
The Elder Statesman Octopus Cashmere Toy
$950 via Moda Operandi
When you don't want your child to ever have to know the touch of merino wool like some sort of peasant.
Tiffany Rose Gold Vermeil Crazy Straw
$350 via Tiffany
You can't drink your green juice out of a plastic straw because it will leach toxins into the liquid and Gwyneth has strictly forbid you to consume toxins this month.
Tiffany Sterling Silver Tin Can
$1,000 via Tiffany
Perfect for any occasion, like when you want to hold pencils, or short flowers, or especially when you want to enrage your household employees so profoundly that they start plotting against you.