Last night, sometimes totally unexpected happen: the Real Housewives of Orange County went someplace cold. Canada, to be exact, after a quick explanation that Lydia is Canadian so they all must go to Canada. Yes, that was the entire explanation for the big group vacation, and as far as I can remember, the first time the excursion was even mentioned was approximately 30 seconds before they all boarded the limo for the airport. No matter! All of the ladies were off to a ski resort so that they could have a new set of scenery for their arguments about the same old things.

1. For a moment, out of the corner of my eye, I thought Lydia’s makeup artist was her mom. It’s possible that I just think everyone in Southern California looks alike. In the universe of this show, I think that’s a defensible view, actually.

2. Lydia is from The People’s Republic of Canadia. Or whatever that snowy country up there is called. Personally, I’m with Tamra – it’s cold in Canada and that’s why I don’t know about it. I also don’t know much about Minnesota. It’s not a Canada-specific thing, at least for me. I just prefer to believe that that much snow only happens in, say, Narnia.

3. To prepare for skiing, Alexis bought Lydia a crystal-encrusted Bible. The first three minutes of this episode were incredible, in their way.

4. So maybe Gretchen was offered some lines on Heather’s show? Heather seemed to admit that Gretchen had, at one point, been offered a bit part on Malibu Country but said that the part “went away” and was most definitely not the part that she, Professional Actress Extraordinaire, was currently playing. That doesn’t necessarily seem to contradict Gretchen’s story about having a conflict and declining to be on the show, because even if the show didn’t shoot on the day in question, they did have a table read and maybe Gretchen didn’t feel like going back and forth for Tamra’s dress appointment. Or maybe she got offered and then un-offered. None of that makes the two stories – or at least the current versions of the stories – mutually exclusive.

That Alexis was also called and was unavailable lends credence to Gretchen’s version, even if some of the details are hazy. Mostly, I don’t know why Heather is so defensive about the whole thing. If there’s anything Real Housewives has proved, it’s that not having real skills or experience is not necessarily a barrier when it comes to getting on C-List television, and occasionally that applies to the scripted world as well. Real Housewives is unquestionably a more famous show than Malibu Country, and any of these women would qualify as a “guest star” of sorts. Acting ability not required.

5. Poor, poor Uncle Bill. He was a cutie pie and I’m really glad that no one, especially Vicki, sexually assaulted him.

6. Add “concierge” to the list of words Alexis can’t pronounce. I don’t know who’s keeping the official record, but I hope you have a back brace on when you lift it.

7. Who really cares if a consenting adult has a threesome? If she and Donn were both cheating on each other constantly, as Vicki admitted repeatedly and without caveat in this episode, does it really matter whether Vicki was accepting new partners one at a time or in groups?

8. Lauri claiming that she never said Vicki had a threesome is a classic reality TV move. Between the surgeryface and the friend-of-a-friend porn stars and Lauri trying to weasel her way out the accusation that she spread gossip by claiming that she never said the word “threesome,” only intimated it (which is, like, totally different, you guys), Lauri sometimes seems like a Frankenhousewife built by Andy Cohen in the Watch What Happens Live green room, specifically designed for his reality TV purposes.

9. Let’s take off the goggles, ladies. Watching these uniformly blonde people argue with each other when they’re all wearing mirrored ski goggles and puffy coats makes it really hard to figure out who’s saying what and to whom. Vicki has a really distinctive voice, but other than that, I was lost.

10. I was really hoping that Alexis would pelt someone in the face with her blinged-out Bible at some point. She didn’t, but I haven’t given up hope for next week.

11. I also wanted Vicki to be all, “Yeah, so what, I had a threesome, it’s 2013.” That didn’t happen, but I’m less sad about it.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Guest

    Re: #7: People can do as they wish, but yes, if you think threesomes are trashy (and many of us do) then it matters.

    I remember when Lauri had nothing and Vicki took pity on her and gave her a job. So for me, Lauri will always be nothing more than an ungrateful b****. I hope Vicki really does open up a can of whoop ass on her. She could talk about Lauri’s grand child, who was born addicted to heroin and now lives in foster care because Lauri refused to take her in. For example.

    • But why spend time passing judgment on the sex lives of others? It doesn’t affect you in any way. To me, it’s like passing judgment on someone’s favorite snack food. (Admittedly, I don’t associate with those who eat pita chips.)

      • Guest

        People “pass judgement” all the time. It’s part of being a person with a functioning brain.

        If you don’t want others to have opinions about your private life, then you probably shouldn’t sign up to be a cast member on a “reality” TV show.

        That said, I don’t like pita chips, either.

  • winterpenny

    So many questions…
    1) What is Lauri even doing on the show? Didn’t she leave? Isn’t she happy with her billionaire husband? Seems strange to me why she is back on the show and being invited to everything. It is these things that contribute to the contrived nature of this show!
    2) Did Lauri really try to weasel out of suggesting that Vicki was in a threesome? She left out the part that the three were totally clothed and were watching a movie? That’s convenient. And if you are going to tell someone something in confidence while being filmed, don’t act outraged when that information is spread. Lauri needs to go away!
    3) Why would Lydia even signup for this show? She is way too cool and nice to be hanging with these ladies. I especially like how she hones in on Gretchen’s BS. There was an exchange between the two of them that I thought was so funny…I think Lydia was calling Gretchen out on something she said and Gretchen was trying to weasel out of it. For the life of me I can’t remember what it was about, but I do remember loving the way Lydia called her out!

  • Amy

    Not to defend Alexis but I’ve known many people who can’t pronounce concierge (okay, most of them were when I lived in Omaha); apparently it is assumed a silent g is more sophisticated?

  • Webaj

    Re 6… Alexis also didn’t seem to have full grasp of the word Swarovski…as In a bought you a Swarovski bible. As you said, long list!

  • Paris8

    Love Vicki’s Screaming Mimi voice when she blows her stack. I thought her head was going to twist off and roll down a mountain.

    Heather thinks she’s Meryl Streep appearing on “Malibu Country.” What in the hell is “Malibu Country”??

    Is Lydia’s Uncle 35?

    Lauri is just annoying. As winterpenny said, what is she even doing on the show? Someone asked her that question on “Watch What Happens,” and Lauri said she has more time on her hands now and wanted to “socialize” more. Apparently her idea of socializing is coming up with lame “threesome” storylines.

  • Deborah

    What I have heard is Lauri had a substantial ax to grind because Vicki had been behind sending out to wherever these women send things, information about Lauri and George’s family. Things that were nunya (none of Vicki’s biz), yet damaging to their family. I don’t know what the info was, but it made sense to me that Lauri would use some of the ammo she has to out Vicki because of this.

    I, personally, think Vicki is awful! She gets louder and louder the more incredible whatever it is that she is saying. She especially points fingers about things that she, perhaps, has been guilty of herself.

    Makes for great TV! I never miss it! lol