Well, first of all, it seems only human to acknowledge that watching Real Housewives of Orange County last night, in light of the day’s tragic events in Boston, seemed even sillier than it usually does. Still, one of the great beauties of entertainment of all types, even trashy reality television, is its ability to provide a small bit of mental or emotional relief (maybe relief isn’t the word – maybe it’s more like distraction) when we need it this most. So we’ll busy ourselves with the minutiae of a bunch of crazy middle-aged women in California, just like we normally do.

I didn’t see last week’s episode because of my vacation, and I expected to be a little bit behind as a result. If I hadn’t known that I’d missed an episode, I never would have guessed. As much as Bravo tries to make these shows into solid narrative arcs, I suppose that when we’ve already seen these women fight and make up in every configuration imaginable for eight years, there aren’t that many stories still to be told. That won’t stop us from having a recap, of course.

1. Alexis and Vicky have teamed up because no one else will hang out with either of them. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, even (especially?) on reality television. It wasn’t that long ago that these two were screaming at each other on a day trip to LA, right? (That’s not a rhetorical question; I have a hard time remembering who has fought with who and under which circumstances on this show, probably because the vast majority of cast members over the years have all looked like aging fembots.)

2. I’m not sure I believe Vicky and Brooks are broken up, just like everyone else. Take, for example, this exchange about Brooks between Vicky and Alexis at lunch: Alex: “So you’re broken up, or you’re just taking it slow and slowing down a litte?” Vicky: “….yeah….” That wasn’t a yes-or-no question, Vick.

3. Heather’s husband thinks that they shouldn’t bother with magazine features unless they’re cover stores. Heather’s husband is Naomi Campbell, in case you weren’t aware. (Also, is this a new Housewives Bingo square? Didn’t Joanna get upset about the same issue in Miami?)

4. Vicky hides when she talks to Brooks and then denies it to her daughter. If ever I’ve seen a mother-daughter role reversal, it’s with Brianna and Vicky. Vicky wants to have her terrible boyfriend over to the house, Brianna doesn’t want all that conflict and negative energy around her new baby. Vicky doesn’t want Brianna and the baby to move out, though, so she locks herself in the bathroom to call him and pretends that they haven’t seen each other in six weeks. Vicky is 14 years old.

5. Lydia is our new cast member for the season. Lydia was neighbors with Alexis back before Alexis and Earth Jesus had to vacate their previous home, so naturally, Heather thinks she’s going to be terrible. From her first foray into the show, though, she seemed perfectly reasonable (in Housewife terms), particularly when you consider that most new cast members go out of their ways to make fools of themselves at the beginning because they think it’ll make them memorable or earn them extra camera time. (Remember Heather’s antics in the first few episodes last season?) Anyway, Lydia and her husband run Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine, which does not want to put Heather’s house on the cover.

6. Wait, so Tamra hasn’t exactly opened her fitness studio yet. She has, however, rented an empty space. Vicky came over (she drove across the street, more specifically) to try and sell Tamra some insurance for it.

7. Are you allowed to drink while you operate a boat? Again, this is a real question. I know people are allowed to drink on a boat, but even the person steering? (Note: I know nothing about boats.)

8. “I just feel kids and boyfriends are off limits.” Vicky Gunvalson, who may or may not have come after Gretchen’s boyfriend with near-literal torches and pitchforks in the past.

9. There’s trouble in paradise for Heather and Terry. Reality TV is bad for everyone’s marriage except Lisa Vanderpump’s, which is a stone-cold fact of which we should all be aware by now. Vicky and Tamra have both gotten divorced while on the OC cast, not to mention the various women from the other cities.

10. I don’t know why Housewives think it’s ok to invite enemies to each others’ parties. I know it’s probably a setup by producers, but then again, I don’t necessarily believe that Vicky is sensitive or logical enough to understand why it’s not ok to invite random people to private parties, let alone people who the party-thrower actively despises. Of course, if Real Housewives is about anything, it’s about going to parties with people you hate.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • itsleebitch

    I said the same thing about Terry being Naomi lol too funny!

  • FashionableLena

    I said on Twitter last week that I didn’t like the way Heather talks to her husband. But, mostly, I don’t like Heather anyway.
    As long as Tamra is besties (HS lingo for Vicki) with Gretchen, Vicki and Tamra won’t be friends. Friendly but not friends.
    I’ve said this every season-Alexis is the most harmless out of all of them. I like her and most of what she does harms no one but herself. She’s not malicious or mean spirited to the other ladies. Her marriage seems to work for her so c’est la vie.
    It’s only the first episode, but I don’t like Lydia only because she’s goofy. But, like Alexis, she just seems harmless.
    Still don’t like Tamra. I have yet to find any redeeming qualities in her. On top of that, I really don’t see her and Eddie getting married. Who knows, I may have to eat my words at the end of the season.
    Gretchen is not ready to get married (her words, not mine) which is a big commitment. Yet, she wants to have babies which is an even bigger commitment. I really don’t see her as the motherly type. Tamra was right in that respect.
    Have you been watching Married to Medicine?

  • your last line says it all! funny stuff.

  • Jerrica

    I actually love Heather! I always find her to be rather reasonable in her assessments/ arguments, etc. I can see where others would be annoyed with how she talks to Terry, but I think it’s just their own dynamic and that they are great together. Alexis… ugh… I just wish she would cop to being the dimwitted, narcissistic, pretentious poser that she is… Tamra I’ve gone back & forth on over the years but I actually like her. For Vicky to comment about boyfriends and kids being off-limits….Wow… what a joke. Lydia- time will tell, but so far I kind of like her goofy vibe.

    • Jeloi

      In reference to the way Heather speaks to Terry, I have one word Adrienne.

  • Canuck65

    With respect to point 7 – yes there are rules concerning aloohol and boats and a person steering should not be drinking. Its very irresponsible. Imagine instead she held a glass of wine while behind the wheel of car? Its the same thing.

  • NCGal

    The dynamic between Breanna and Vicky is so sick, so controlling and awful to watch. Alexis is so deluded, she’s embarrassing, she reminds me of Taylor in that she really thinks that folks don’t see the grifting.Tamara is mean, conniving, and manipulative. Yes, she’s bit more self-revealing, but she hasn’t changed, she’s just more forthcoming about her own meanness. Gretchen is phoney and self-serving and thinks that she is adorable and as such makes it so easy for me not to like her. The Dubrows are interesting: again, Heather is affective and controlling and her husband Terry acts like one of her children that she need to manage, but there’s a manipulative undercurrent to the two of them that I find disturbing. Like you, Amanda I predict that there will be some toppling there, monetarily and relationally. The Universe just doesn’t truck with that level of ass-hat-ery for very long. The new HW looks like she’s suffering from an eating disorder…really, and I don’t say that lightly. She has the look of so many women I know who struggle with that disease. Hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am and that makes it hard for me to be snarky about her (kind of like the Kimmys (both of them!)

  • kathleen

    Totally agree with number 9. What does Heather think she has to gain from her demeaning comments about her husband? It makes her look a lot worse than him. While she was once in the category of Housewives that I could tolerate (all this being relative) she has been seriously demoted. All of the women are a train wreck (Lisa Van derPump excluded!) , albeit an escape and somewhat entertaining one.

  • winterpenny

    Agree with one of the earlier comments that even though Alexis bugs me sometimes, it seems pretty harmless. And unless it is an act (and Alexis does not strike me as a really good actor), Alexis seems to be pretty happy with her life and her husband. It wouldn’t be my cup of tea, but it if works for her, that’s great.
    Tamra says is truly mean! She must have always gotten attention from her little mean one liners, that really don’t seem that spontaneous. And now you have Gretchen as her willing side kick. Once again, I get the feeling that these people lack back civility. Whatever happened to just saving the negative comments for your husband on the way home from a party…