Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was the kind of episode we all expect from the series. It included silly parties, ill-conceived product launches, yelling about Chanel bags and accusations that someone had been flirting inappropriately with someone else’s (or everyone else’s) husband. It was also the precursor to the season finale, though, which meant that we only got to see Act One of the full dramatic scene. Act Two will be next week, followed by the reunion, which is really the best drama of all because we get to skip the pretense of narrative and get straight at the good stuff. In the meantime, though, we should probably have a recap.

1. I’d happily live my entire life in a tent on Lisa’s glass-railed porch. Important to note: said tent would likely be bigger than my current New York City apartment, and it would certainly get better afternoon sun. On the downside, I would no longer get to watch the dude who lives in the building behind me shower through his bathroom window.

2. Put together, the words “red velvet vodka” made me hork. Red velvet belongs in baked goods and only in baked goods. I’m from the South, I’m allowed to make these rules. Adrienne, though, had the bad taste to try and put it in vodka, the most putrid of all booze varieties. She then airbrushed a bunch of naked people with the logo of the new brand and set them loose in her backyard to rub on each other and invited guests, and also probably sent one to Lisa’s house to sit on her white upholstery. Related: apparently you’re allowed to show nipples on regular cable, just as long as they’re lacquered with a thin veneer of airbrush branding for some Housewife’s latest half-baked product launch. In a fit of brilliance, Lisa decided that she and Brandi should have outdoor sunset massages and glasses of rosé instead of attending the party.

3. Everyone was really impressed by the “living statues” at Adrienne’s party. Apparently they’ve never seen the guy who paints himself gold and stands around in the tunnel to the S train at Grand Central.

4. Marisa is surprised that Brandi thinks there’s something wrong with her marriage. I don’t know where Brandi could have gotten a silly idea like that, what with all the times that Marisa has publicly boasted that she’s bored with her man, that she wants a Latin dude all up in her ladyparts and that her husband loves her so much more than she loves him. Yolanda, continuing to grow on me, attempted to stop Marisa from publicly complaining to the rest of the ladies and suggested that she, you know, address it with Brandi.

5. Faye has invented an incident at Kyle’s white party in which Brandi slept with a married man in the bathroom. When Faye announced this fantastical tale, it was clear that none of the present housewives had actually seen it (including Faye) or appeared to have ever heard the rumor prior to that moment. Bravo, who filmed the party, also didn’t have any footage of Brandi with the dude, let alone of her going into or coming out of a bathroom with him. In fact, all they had was Brandi pointing at a guy across the room and saying she thought he was cute. By that logic, I’ve slept with Jake Gyllenhaal because he walked past me at a restaurant and I swooned. Not that I would be mad if people thought I slept with Jake Gyllenhaal. In fact, let’s start that rumor right here.

6. Surprise, Adrienne and Paul are separated. Seemingly the day after the cake vodka (go ahead, dry heave, we’ll wait) party, Adrienne and Paul announced on the trusty ol’ Internets that they are no longer, in fact, all that into each other. The pacing of this entire episode seemed genuinely strange (there had been no mention of the massive vodka part before we were suddenly there, for example), but the spontaneous separation announcement was the most random of all events, perhaps because almost all of Adrienne and Paul’s previous scenes this season have been sanitized to make them look like a united, reasonably happy front.

7. I hate the scenes where we have to watch everyone arrive at a party. I’d take Bravo’s word for it if they just, you know, told me who wasn’t going to show up and left it at that. This ain’t the Oscars, I don’t need to watch the arrivals one by one.

8. Yolanda’s husband’s previous wife, who is also Bruce Jenner’s previous wife, makes her own apricot jam. These are the little bits of minutiae that I truly enjoy about these shows. After handing a jar over to Lisa, she joked that it was “so middle class.” Can we trade her for Faye? She makes me outraged in exactly the way I want Real Housewives to make me outraged.

9. Yolanda made sure Marisa talked to Brandi about the text message, and then she stood there and made sure she was honest about it. At first I liked Yolanda, and then I kind of hated her, but now I love her. In these past few episodes, she’s proved herself to be an honest, loyal, forthright woman who doesn’t let herself be shouted down by cast veterans or people who are intent on yelling the loudest. It was truly a joy to watch Marisa squirm under the weight of her own bitchiness and then totally confirm why Brandi had thought to send her the text in the first place.

10. Faye thinks you can measure class in how many Chanel bags you own. I don’t even think I need to come up with some sort of smart-aleck remark for this one, because other than that statement, what else could be so beautifully instructive of why Faye is the walking, talking, fake-tanned embodiment of everything that’s wrong with humanity?

11. Other things that Faye thinks: Brandi ruined Adrienne and Paul’s marriage. I said this in the comments last week and I stand by it: If your marriage can be ruined by a person publicly stating something that everyone who knows you already knew, then your marriage was super lame to begin with and was likely just waiting to teeter off the precipice of divorce. Not to mention, of course, that the conversation Faye interrupted between Brandi and Marisa had absolutely zero to do with Adrienne in any way.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Jeloi

    Thanks Amanda for the recap! Loved #5; you can take Jake G and I will take Vin D. We all know that FR is a s**t starter that was the entire purpose for her being on the show. I am looking forward to next week show, I just wish Lisa would kick them all out except Brandi and Yolanda. I’m starting to like her too, it seems none of the housewives can out talk her.

  • sara

    “and also probably sent one to Lisa’s house to sit on her white upholstery”. hilarious! :)

  • Leslie

    If they make Faye R a regular housewife…the only RHOBH I will take in, is through this blog…because I can’t quit Amanda’s recaps…but I could quit a show with FR on it full time, even if I kind of love Yolanda…Lisa…and Brandi….

  • winterpenny

    I think I agree on everything in your recap! Yolanda has been a great addition this season. She would be the best friend ever, but I wouldn’t ever want to be on her bad side! Sometimes it takes nerve to stand up for someone when everyone else around you is gossiping, but she didn’t back down and then she called Marisa out in front of Brandi. Marisa squirmed like one of my kids does when they are busted in a lie:)
    Faye, Faye, Faye…she is so desparate for attention. What is wrong with her? You are right in the fact that while Faye may seem like the perfect addition to the cast because of the controversy she brings, but she really turns people off. Your comment about Foster’s ex-wife is spot on…you want someone you can generally like or tolerate who stirs up controversy once in a while! Did you notice that she looked like an older version of Yolanda?
    Can’t wait for next week. It looks like a fun 3 hours of TV!

  • JW

    Appeared to me that Faye scripted that Chanel line in advance, then couldn’t deliver it in a convincing way. Also agree Yolanda has gown on me, and while Brandi could use a filter on occasion, can’t help but like her.

  • Webaj

    Amanda…as always, love your blog and I now seriously adore Yolanda for the way she handled herself last night. I realized that the party/vow renewal is all pretty much staged for the cameras but if I were Lisa, I wouldn’t jinx my 30 years of marriage luck but inviting a bunch of shrews like Adrienne, Faye, Marissa, and (the back to Season 1 personality) Camille to my ceremony.

  • gpc

    am i the only one who can’t get past the fact that all of these women have the exact same shaped nose? and now to include kim… must be all from the standard mold in BH…

  • Reality Junkie

    Amanda, how is it that you manage to so eloquently express my thoughts every week that I really feel there is little left for me to add? You are brilliant and insightful beyond your years. I cannot wait for next week!

  • isabella

    when adrienne leaves the show can she take kim, kyle and camille with her, please.

  • Lin

    I agree with Leslie, if they make Faye a regular I’m not gonna watch the show anymore.

  • jomarie

    I saw the presenting of the jam as a sly comment on Adrienne’s tacky product promotion. Middle class? That was generous of her.

  • SherryAva

    I like watching Yolanda. She seems like a strong woman and very opinionated. However I didn’t think she needed to be there when Brandi confronted Marissa. That’s meddling and unnecessary. Brandi on the other hand, does a lot of immature stuff that annoys me. I wouldn’t put it past her to have sex in the bathroom. I think the way she speaks without thinking and the way she suggests hall passes to people make her seem silly in comparison. Now Marissa doesn’t fair any better with the way she talks about her husband and the way she decided to handle Brandi’s text. I think both woman are lame.

    • Melissa h.

      According to Lisa’s Bravo blog, it was she that knocked on the bathroom door and caught Brandi kissing (and only kissing) someone.

  • I love your recap – just found this one and went back and looked at your previous recaps. You are hysterical and spot on!

  • suz

    Perfect recap. Everything I’ve already said to my dog while watching. I just want(need) to add…I believe there is a special place in hell for the Maloof….and maybe Faye.

  • LuvelyJubley

    I have written harshly about Yolanda in the past, but I take it all back, admit that I couldn’t have been more wrong, and I want her for a friend. The incident where she nailed Marisa for $h!ttalking Brandi behind Brandi’s back, and without bringing it Brandi first, and then standing there and keeping Marisa honest when confronting Brandi…>genuflection<. I'd hope I would act similarly, and I'd applaud my daughter for doing this.
    BTW, I was disgusted to watch Marisa 'share' that text with the other women…If I received a text like that from a girlfriend, I would immediately assume it to be a tougue-in-cheek, facecious joke and it would stay a laugh between us. Bravo, give Marisa the boot from the show, right after you boot Faye from the show.

  • I like how Faye just stumbled over her own words. She’s crazy