You know it’s a seriously dramatic episode when Kim’s divorce and baby drama alone can almost fill the full 40-45 minutes. All of the plotlines on this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians made me extremely tense – but these were highly emotional, nerve-hitting issues, weren’t they? I mean, gun control and Kim Kardashian’s divorce? Have you seen more headlines about anything else this year?
As we all know, 3-4ish months in the future, Kim is now happily divorced and a happy (?) new mama, as of this past weekend. (I really hope they’re taping for next season right now. Well, I do and I don’t, really.) HOWEVER, let’s pretend tabloid news doesn’t exist and suspend disbelief; it makes for a far more compelling episode. Kim received some bad news right out of the gate that her divorce deposition has been pushed back yet again. We can all attest to the fact that Kim’s divorce proceedings took far too long and lasted approximately four times as long as both her marriage and courtship to Khris Humphries combined. Kim has obviously already begun a new life with Kanye, who remains forever in the shadows on this season of KUWTK. (Understandably so. As much as he peacocks for the media, on “candid camera” he comes off as a bit self-conscious.) But guess what, friends? Try as Kim might, being pregnant with another man’s baby is not grounds for an “emergency divorce,” from a legal perspective. Somehow, in our heart of hearts, we already knew that.
But before we could proceed any further with Kim’s divorce drama, we had to deal with Kim’s pregnancy issues. As you might remember, Kim had a major pregnancy scare while flying to LA and was quickly ushered to the hospital a few months ago. I’m frankly surprised they got any of this on film, because it was kind of an emergency situation, and also, it seemed super personal, but film it they did – all the hand wringing, painful prodding, tests, and exams, and crying. It was a little hard to watch. It’s easy to think of someone as a sort of pop culture caricature of themselves until you see them doing something as vulnerable and humanizing as unabashedly weeping on a doctor’s table.
Kim is not having a fun time with her pregnancy, as is obvious to everyone with functioning eyeballs. Kris Jenner continues to rail on like a glass-eyed lunatic about how pregnancy is like walking barefoot on a gilded cloud, clearly failing to realize that there are a wide range of pregnancy experiences a woman can have and that Kim is having a totally crappy one. Kim literally threatened to both hang herself and slit her own throat if delivery proved to be more painful than whatever she’s experiencing. (Spoiler: it’s a stomach infection.) I seriously worry about Kim and post-partum depression, I really do.
In the show’s other highly publicized plotline, the entire family went a little gun-crazy. At the beginning of the episode, Bruce met up with Kris to discuss the idea of getting a gun for the house, after the Kardashians get “SWATTED.” He wanted to purchase a gun and teach the Jenner girls to use it, but Kris was not down with the idea. At all. Bruce got all macho and said things like, “It’s my responsibility to protect my family.” (When he’s not hanging out at his Malibu beach house/man cave, which I assume is still under contract. Then his family’s on their own.)
To reinforce this episode’s whole gun theme, the Jenners played a few rounds of paint ball, which is combat-lite for a bunch of Malibu princes like Brody and Brandon. (Did you catch that reference to the Jenner boys’ extremely short-lived Fox reality show of yesteryear? No? Nevermind then.)
Gun fever was spreading all around the Kardashian fam, and Scott Disick definitely caught a mild case. (I never realize how much I love Scott until he doesn’t appear in an entire episode.) Scott didn’t really want a gun in the house because he has little kids, and also, Kourtney might MURDER HIM. (It was kind of a joke, but if she gets knocked up again, I could see it happening.) Still, Scott was curious about the idea and decided to tag along for a day of shootin’ fun with Bruce, Kendall and Rob. Scott and Kendall had no patience for safety instruction, though, because they really just wanted to pop a cap in something, ASAP. Sadly, that day never came for Scott.
Here are things you shouldn’t combine with guns:
Toddlers and guns.
Teenagers and guns.
Scott Disick and guns.
Some mustached gun instructor started giving Scott crap for his casual, cavalier attitude regarding gun handling. They had “a disagreement about what is safe on the range,” according to the “gun ranger,” and Scott split. I don’t like being told what to do by people with mustaches either, so I can sympathize with Scott in this instance. Of course, Scott spun it a little differently in his later retelling of the event to Kourt and Khloe, proclaiming that he “almost got shot by a guy at the gun range.” (If anything, he probably almost got pistol-whipped.) The whole mustached gun ranger ordeal turned Scott off to the idea of gun ownership. Khloe also made a valid point during this convo – Rob should really not have a gun either, because he gets really angry sometimes, and seems less than emotionally stable this season, let’s be honest.
Meanwhile, back at the Calabasas ranch, Bruce and Kris still don’t agree on the gun issue. In fact, they have several heated arguments on the subject throughout the episode, so much so that I get that sinking “mom and dad are yelling at each other” feeling. Bruce wasn’t backing down on this one, though, because it’s weirdly important to him that he wins this battle. A totally healthy way to conduct a marriage!
Brody n’ Brandon break! The bros had a candid, yet strangely political discussion about gun ownership while playing a little put-put. Not a single Kardashian was privy to this conversation. If a Jenner falls down in the woods, and a Kardashian isn’t there to see it, did it really happen? Also, I have to mention two absurdly ridiculous things re: last week’s episode – I seriously did not realize that Brody Jenner was “Brody” from The Hills until someone pointed it out pointe blank in the comments last week, mostly because in KUWTK, he looks like a laid-back, 30-something surfer dude, and not a hair gel’d to death Malibu douchebag. Also, that same commenter pointed out that Bruce actually has two more kids from a previous marriage that occurred BEFORE his marriage to Brody and Brandon’s mama. So that’s 3 marriages, 6 kids. Which makes Bruce seem like some sort of serial procreator. No word yet on how great/terrible those first two Jenners think their relationships with Bruce are. Maybe we’ll find out next season.
In the end, Bruce bought his gun, and the fam decided that only he and Kendall would have access to the guns and safety codes. Seems legit.
After the guns debate was settled and Kim’s pregnancy woes finally ebbed, we returned to her eternally ongoing divorce drama. Kim was actually looking forward to a face-to-face with her now ex-husband Kris, because, let’s face it, the divorce drama had gotten a little ridic. She wanted to remind him that they did love each other (questionable), she still loves him (doubtful) and things should never have gotten this crazy (true, but also totally expected). But it’s kind of apt that things did get that crazy, because their ridiculously brief courtship and extremely over-the-top wedding were also crazy. Unfortunately, Khris didn’t show in court and was probably taking every conceivable step to avoid being alone in a room with Kim and her camera crew. Kim was a little bummed she didn’t get that moment of closure. We didn’t get to see Kris Humphries, as much as we all wanted to, but we were treated to a rare appearance from Kim’s BFF LaLa Anthony. She and Kim chatted about how pregnant she was, and how emotionally trying the decision to divorce Khris had been on Kim. It’s a sort of bittersweet moment to end the show on, but end it does, with almost no fanfare (other than Lala!)
More conversational gems from this episode:
(Rob to Scott) “Do you stuff your pants? It just looks like you do.”
(Scott to Kourtney) “How do you feel about having guns in the house? Like, a BUNCH of them.”
(In response to a gun in the home) “Maybe I wanna be a Charlie’s Angel” – Kendall (Strangely, it seems like a valid career option for Kendall.)
“OMG I think I got a pussywillow in my eye, I swear.” – Kim (Also, PUSSYWILLOWS in general.)
“Who puts anal beads in the stove?” – Scott, on finding a shopping bag full of anal beads and other sex paraphernalia in the stove. This might’ve been an addendum to the series premiere, where Kourtney threatened Scott’s manhood with an oversized marital aid.)
(Kim to Kourtney, as she’s getting a foot massage.) “You’re so not nice like this, what’s going on?”
Did you find this episode as tense as I did, Kardashian fans? I’m almost looking forward to an episode where almost nothing actually happens, though I’ll probably have a different stance on that when one lands in my lap next week.
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