Ladies, when a man swoops into your closet, throws out all your old clothes, and replaces them with new ones that he hand-picked himself, is it love, or is time to change your cell number?
This week’s riveting episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians kicked off with Kanye West insisting that Kim borrow his stylist so she could join him on the glossy pages of People magazine’s “Best Dressed” list in 2013. This is especially odd (and maybe a little insulting) because Kim once worked as stylist to the stars. What happens when stylists get styled? Everything with fuzzy shearling trim gets thrown out, apparently. Kim was suffering under the delusion that she was “becoming a little more of an individual” via this closet purging process – and I’m sure that’s exactly how Kanye spun it. But I still find it strange that Kanye is so obsessed with curating Kim’s entire wardrobe. Is it flattering, controlling or creepy? All three? I can’t decide!
In any case, sister Khloe was aghast, as well she should be – Kim’s entire wardrobe had been thrown in to a “donate” pile. Khloe was a little disturbed that Kim was letting Kanye steamroll her own personal sense of style, but Kim assured her that she was just “evolving,” which obviously means “letting a new man take over her life” in Kim speak. (So she did a hell of a lot of evolving last season.) Khloe thought she needed her head examined, because Kanye West had clearly brainwashed her into not liking maxi dresses and chartreuse pumps any more. (In Kanye’s defense, chartreuse is really horrible.)
Also, sidebar: why would Kim just donate her entire designer wardrobe? Is she not aware of the crazy resale value, let alone the “this touched a Kardashian” resale value? I seriously hope she donated all of her duds to a worthy charity and not just the Beverly Hills Goodwill. (I’m curious – have any of you been to that Goodwill? And did you find anything amazing? I love a good thrifty find.)
Kim wasn’t just separating herself from the pack style-wise, she was getting a little ballsy with her business endeavors too, and thus was feeling the hate from all sides this week. Her sisters were feeling betrayed because she wanted to drop their family name from their new make-up line, and also because she wanted to do her own lingerie line in the Philippines without them. Rob was also weirdly furious with her after she slighted the name choice of his forever-in-development sock line. (Rob can be a real diva sometimes, but at least he gets it honest.) Also, Rob really wanted to open a men’s Dash store, but nobody would give him the time of day. I’ve debated the dubious sources of Rob’s paychecks in my recaps before, and in this episode, he was obviously stressed out because he admitted to having “like, no income.” Oh, little Robbie.
Rob was earning a little scratch, however, by hosting the Miss USA pageant. Unfortunately for him, on the red carpet, all people wanted to talk about was Kim and Kanye. Somewhere during the course of this episode, Rob’s ego just crumpled into a dirty little paper ball and rolled away like a B-list tumbleweed in the breeze.
But wasn’t there something else happening in this episode? Oh right, Oprah. While E! promoted the crap out of this whole behind-the-scenes at the Oprah interview thing, it really only took up about 10 minutes of screen time. We saw everyone put on their Sunday best, we saw Kris break into tears over what a great guy Scott turned out to be (when she was totally encouraging Kourt to dump him just a few episodes ago) and we saw Lamar Odom marveling at the strange science behind the bladeless Dyson Blade fan…
You know what was weird about the Oprah interview? When Oprah makes a house call, it’s usually to people who still have some semblance of a private life. Thus creating an air of intimacy, but the Kardashians even go to family therapy on-camera. (No really, that happened on this episode. More on that later.)
Basically the most important thing that happened during the Oprah segment: Kendall taught Oprah (and myself) a handy trick for differentiating her from her sister Kylie – her name is longer, and she is taller. This is actually stupidly helpful. Now when they’re standing side by side, I’ll know who is who. But when one of them is just idly wandering around the kitchen eating fro-yo, it’s still anyone’s best guess.
Post-Oprah, tensions were still running high in the Kardashian family because business dealings were souring all Kardashian familial relationships. Kourt and Khloe decided to convince their siblings and mother to go to family therapy. Each Kardashian had different goals for therapy. Kim’s was just to appease the rest of her fam. Khloe’s goal was to iron out all the kinks in their family dynamic (not possible). Kourt’s was to work on her permanently strained relationship with Kris. Rob’s was just to be taken seriously for once, without getting his balls stepped on by Kim. Kris’ therapy goal of course, was just to be appreciated more. As is her goal with everything. You see, Kris Jenner doesn’t really believe in therapy. (Why is it the people who hold this view so frequently need SO MUCH therapy?)
During this therapy sesh, we learned that Rob not only has no income, he also has no friends outside of his family. This is surprising, and yet not surprising. The Kardashians are a tightly knit, if highly dysfunctional family unit. After the girls all laid into Rob about how he was a volatile bundle of tension and rage, Rob broke down, and ran off camera so he could weep in private like a man. But Rob is gonna have to quietly sob into a towel until next Sunday, because this is yet another Kardashian two parter! In next week’s episode: EVERYONE CRIES.
What’s the antithesis of Kardashian kraziness? “Married To Jonas” – I left the TV on after KUWTK ended, and squirmed uncontrollably as an entire family grilled their youngest daughter about sleeping arrangements at a post-prom cabin getaway (uh, I’m pretty sure the penises and vaginas are bunking together). And then I had to squirm through an entirely different conversation between sisters about refraining from sex until marriage. Oye vey, these younglings!
Isn’t it weird to roll out those promise-ring wearing Jonases on the heels of the ever-secular Kardashian clan? Wasn’t it bizarre that Scott Disick seemed like the world’s most reasonable human being on this ep? Did you see Kimye toss anything you spent a month’s paycheck on? Let me know in the comments!