Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was a whole lot of awkwardness and boringness and nothingness wrapped into an hour of ill-advised television. Bravo, listen to me and listen good: We don’t want to know anything about our Housewives’ sex lives. We’d prefer to think that they’re all smooth like Barbies below the waist. Please take that into consideration for future seasons.

The episode did have one redeeming element, which was the screaming match between LuAnn and Alex that took up the last ten minutes of the show. Unfortunately, it took us 50 minutes to get there, and it’s going to take us approximately 1500 words to do the same, after the jump.

The beginning of last night’s episode was rather inauspicious. Our first stop on our first night back from Morocco was in a hotel room with Ramona, who was waiting to have to a romantic evening with Godot. Err, Mario. Her husband Mario. Who was late. And there she sat with rose petals on the floor, marking the path from the door to her, which was completely unnecessary because it was just a regular hotel room. Not a suite! You could see Ramona from the door. If Ramona’s hair gets any bigger, I think we’ll actually be able to see her from space.

While Ramona was hooked up to her pinot grigio IV waiting for Mario, we departed momentarily to visit Alex and Simon in Brooklyn, who were cooking, eating and preparing for awkward sexytime of their own. The first 15 minutes of the episode were all about Real Housewives sexytime, bouncing back and forth between Alex and Ramona and their respective husbands. Except only one couple also had a short talk about whether or not there was another woman.

Mario’s lack of reaction to such a random question about his fidelity didn’t seem satisfying at all to me, and that’s probably because the entire scene was so planned and staged that he already knew the fortune teller had said something about him cheating and that Ramona would be asking about it. The explanation that I much prefer, however, is that Mario actually is cheating and he’s just not a very good actor, and that some mistress with great timing will sell her story to a tabloid and we’ll all read about it later this week. But either way, when your wife of 17 years asks you if you’re cheating on her, I would think that you could summon up more emotion than, “Nope, I only have eyes for you, sweetie.”

We briefly departed that horror show to rejoin the Brooklyn horror show, already in progress. Alex and Simon had moved on to the lingerie modeling portion of the evening, which was thankfully less risque than the lingerie modeling that we saw on Real Housewives of Miami but still incredibly awkward nonetheless. I’m not sure why Bravo has decided that we all want to see our Real Housewives pre-coitus, but they are wrong. WRONG. Plus, I think it puts us on a slippery slope; if every season has to top the last, and we’re seeing our housewives wearing lingerie and slathering massage oil on their husbands, I shudder to think what kind of too-hot-for-TV DVD set Andy Cohen will be shilling next season.

Speaking of that massage oil, that crime against humanity was going on over at Ramona’s hotel room. Mario had disrobed to the waist and instead of rubbing his back, Ramona decided to rub his…front. BUT NOT LIKE THAT. Get your minds out of the gutter, people. But it was almost as gross, don’t get me wrong. Ramona then moved on to Mario’s feet, where we got a momentary reprieve from the earnest sexuality of the scene while she felt the need to really lean in to the massage. She was like Sisyphus trying to push that boulder up the hill, except she was wearing a negligee.

FINALLY, WE MOVED ON TO A SINGLE HOUSEWIFE. There was no sexytime with Cindy, who got together with her brother and one of her business partners to look at pictures from Morocco. Except Cindy wasn’t in any of the pictures because in a fit of maturity and wisdom, Sonja had cropped her out of all of them. Or, more accurately, Sonja made one of her houseboys crop Cindy out of all of them because Sonja does not know how to use Photoshop. She probably doesn’t know how to use a computer at all and thinks her email account lives inside of her Blackberry, sort of like my dad. Except dear old dad has an excuse, because he’s 20 years older than Sonja.

Speaking of Sonja, we then accompanied her and a non-housewife friend to get a facial from a trollish doctor that Sonja seemed to want to have sex with, furthering my belief that Sonja thinks everyone is sexy, so long as they have a pulse and something to offer her in the way of a financial or ego boost. Anyway, the facial that Sonja had chosen was so expensive that she didn’t want to tell us the price, but she did want to mention that it was really, really expensive, just to make sure we knew. Unfortunately, in the middle of her relaxation, someone dropped the bankruptcy bomb. Apparently she had been hoping that no one would notice that she filed for nearly $20 million in debt, but in case you were worried, she wanted everyone to know that she pays her credit card bills and mortgage every month.

We then had a brief interlude where LuAnn went on a date with her adorable French boyfriend, but I’m choosing to ignore it because he seems to be far too nice and charming and smart for LuAnn.

Next up was aHousewives focus group for Jill’s shapewear line with Cindy, Alex and Sonja. Sonja tried to sneak in and not be noticed, but since there were cameras and only a couple of other people in the small showroom, they caught her and immediately starting asking about her financial situation and what they had read in the papers. Because Jill has no tact (which is annoying in real life, I’m sure, but very convenient for the viewers at home), she grilled Sonja about exactly what she owes and to whom.

Alex thought those questions were completely inappropriate, naturally, because she’s on the blonde team with Sonja. She also thought it was inappropriate that Jill didn’t invite Ramona, because Ramona knows fashion-y things! Personally, I couldn’t care less who Jill invites or doesn’t invite to her stupid, self-indulgent focus group for her line of girdles. I’m far more interested in the fact that not only is Jill an amateur doctor and dentist, as we’ve learned previously, but she’s also an accountant, bankruptcy attorney and personal haberdasher to her husband. She will also grout your tile, caulk your tub and unclog your toilet. Jill is a human Swiss Army knife.

After the focus group, Alex ran straight to Ramona to tattle on Jill. Apparently the whole “don’t snitch” thing hasn’t caught on in New York yet, so they sat and drank their cocktails and happily talked smack about how Jill loves it when other people are down and hates it when they’re up. We already knew that. Bethenny figured that out last season. That entire conversation has already taken place in previous episodes of Real Housewives, it just involved other people. Bravo, listen to me: If we can’t stop having this conversation at some point, you’re going to need to recast this show.

In a slightly more serious conversation, Ramona went to visit Sonja and talk about bankruptcy and whatnot, and Sonja revealed that she might lose her home because of the massive judgement against her. Although Sonja has been kind of insane this season, it was hard not to feel bad for her. She married well and seemed to have mistaken that for being an actual, successful person on her own, and when she was charged with using the spoils of her divorce to turn herself into a businesswoman, she failed. It’s easy to snicker at that as part of the peanut gallery, but it must have been a rude awakening for someone riding high on a very expensive delusion.

But before we got too deep into serious territory, it was time for the Main Event. Finally, FINALLY, Alex and LuAnn got together at a restaurant to hash things out. Except that they aren’t friends, so I’m not sure why things needed to be hashed. LuAnn seemed similarly confused, but she showed up anyway to tell Alex that Ramona is a big girl who can fight her own battles and say “darling” in the condescending, passive-aggressive way that only she can say it. Alex, predictably, was not amused.

Going into the fight, I thought that they were both right, in a way. Yes, Alex had stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and had created a bit of a scene where one wasn’t necessary. And yes, LuAnn is condescending and holier-than-thou in the most grating, mean-spirited way possible. And they don’t really like each other anyway and never have, but for the purposes of the show, they got together to talk things out and be “friends” again, right? Well, that’s what I assumed would happen, and it seemed to be what Alex wanted as well, but LuAnn was expecting Alex to grovel for her forgiveness and, as Alex said, kiss her ring. LuAnn was mistaken, and when LuAnn is mistaken, she only gets more insufferable.

Instead of doing the standard talk-things-out-and-pretend bit with which we’re all very familiar, LuAnn got dismissive, defensive and flippant. She even insulted Alex’s shoes, which you really can’t do to anyone unless you’re trying to get yourself stabbed. Sadly, Alex had the self control to not plunge her fork into LuAnn’s arm, which is more than I would be able to say for me, if I were in her situation. They threw a few more barbs back and forth and LuAnn interrupted Alex a few more times before they parted, which resulting in Alex asking LuAnn if she’d “like to go,” which I took in the COME AT ME, BRO sense of the word “go.” Again, sadly, that’s not what Alex meant. She meant literally “go,” as in if LuAnn would like to leave. And she did leave, without even so much as a small head wound.

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