Ladies! It’s always the long weekend. In fact, this recap of Real Housewives of New York is the only thing that stands between me and three days of doing positively nothing, except maybe going down to the water to watch the fireworks on Monday. I’m not really an outdoor girl, but I do love the boozing and Netflixing potential of an extra day off.

On last night’s episode, there was plenty of boozing but little to no Netflixing, which was only unfortunate because watching Kelly or Ramona watch Netflix might actually be more interesting than listening to people argue over whether or not Simon is a cyberbully without any of them ever bothering to explain what it was that Simon actually said to them. At least we got a couple of parties and a Blackberry in a toilet for our trouble.

Ramona, Alex and Kelly got together at an impossibly chic lounge overlooking the FDR to idly chat about Ramona’s upcoming birthday party. I thought that Ramona’s birthday was last week? Oh right, that was her daughter’s. You only would have known that if you had paid very close attention, because Ramona did everything she could to make sure the party was about her, right down to bogarting all of the gifts when they got home. (I don’t actually know that happened, like in a factual way, but I know it happened, in the metaphysical sense.)

Sonja would also have her birthday party at Ramona’s party, but it would be a surprise! Ramona loves Sonja like a sister, which Sonja should probably find fairly terrifying. There’s a thin live between love and hate, and the affection of a crazy person can turn on a dime, particularly when the pinot grigio IV starts running low. The party actually turned out pretty nice, but we’ll get to that in a second.

For some reason we skipped straight to a party that Cindy was throwing for her new Brazilian waxing kit, which is something that no one should ever do to themselves at home, ever. I don’t care what kit you’re buying, ripping hair out of your own vagina without the aid of a professional is a bad idea. No two ways about it. Also a bad idea: shaving the crotch-areas of men in suits on camera so that you can stick Swarovski butterflies on them. Yep, that happened. I have no opinion about it, because having an opinion about it would mean that I have to admit to myself that someone who wears a suit for a living actually consented to doing that on television. I’m not prepared to admit that to myself, so we’re moving on.

Elsewhere at the party, Jill was complaining to anyone who would sit still that Simon wanted to have lunch with her and it was weird. “Weird” is the word of the season, you guys. He apparently wanted to get together to discuss whatever it was that Bobby alluded to last week, which Jill thought was unnecessary, and she finally decided to pull him aside to tell him that instead of just telling everyone else in the room.

What should be been a reasonable, if boring, conversation between Jill and Simon then took a bit of a turn. Before he huffed off, Simon told Jill to “watch out” in a way that struck me as rather ominous and threatening, not to mention unnecessary. And I like Simon. I always have. When Kelly tried to pull him aside afterward for reasons that I didn’t entirely understand (not that I ever entirely understand why any of these women do anything), he refused to speak to her and huffed out of the party with Alex while LuAnn and Jill were inside, complaining about how Alex and Simon were trying to stay relevant by starting fights. And while Alex’s problems with LuAnn seemed genuine to me from a few weeks ago, Simon’s sudden snit did seem…odd. To say the least.

Over at Sonja’s house, the toilet was stopped up, so she called a plumber to help her out. And although she didn’t say anything about it for once in her tenure on this show, the plumber was totally hot in a very blue collar, works-with-his-hands sort of way. (I’ll be he works with his hands…). And after cleaning the toilet under his watch eyes, Sonja saw the source of the clog and pulled it out with her bare hand, probably just so she could bend over and graze the hot plumber’s crotch. And it was…a Blackberry, apparently of providence unknown. If I call a plumber on the Upper East Side, will he come? Because I can stuff a a phone down the toilet too. I can do it right now. I’m not that attached to my phone. I can get a new one.

And so can Sonja, based on her baffling reaction to yanking a phone out of her toilet. “Oh, it was a Blackberry.” Like Blackberries grow in her toilet or something, and she’s always yanking ’em out, covered in toilet paper, just so she can poop in peace without a Blackberry blocking her way. Is that how Blackberries are made? I always thought they came from factories, like iPhones. But they grow in the toilets of rich people and need to be harvested? Fascinating.

While Sonja was reaping the bounty of her toilet, Jill and LuAnn got together to paint and gossip about Simon. Well, they didn’t actually paint. They sat around and watched other people paint while wearing painting clothes, and all I could think of was Tom Sawyer and the fence he didn’t whitewash. Hopefully the people painting were actually hired help instead of people that Jill had recruited off of the sidewalk, but with Jill, you never know. I’m not even entirely sure what the two talked about while the painters worked in the background. Alex and Simon, presumably, but there was too much talk and too little proof that anything wrong had actually been done in this episode for the subject to hold my attention after the initial conversation. Show us the meantweets, Bravo. Actually, I shouldn’t even say that, because I don’t want to legitimize “meantweets” as a word.

Jill and LuAnn weren’t the only people to take a moment to themselves to discuss the situation; Alex and Simon also sat down at home to talk about it and how you can’t have a friendship in a vacuum or something, but I was mostly distracted by Alex’s hair. It looked really good! Perhaps the best it has ever looked in god knows how many seasons of this show. So if you know what actually happened during that conversation that didn’t involve Alex’s hair, please feel free to fill us in. Or don’t, because I’m assuming that nothing of consequence was actually said, as was the case with basically every other conversation that took place in this episode. Watching people talk about their problems with each other with people are are not directly involved in the problems is not good television.

Thankfully, the episode then moved on to the party that Ramona had been planning at the beginning of the episode, which actually was half for Sonja. If not more than half – a very big deal was made about surprising her, and Ramona said some very sweet and heartfelt things about how much she cared about Sonja and thought of her as a sister. Who knew that if Ramona unhooked herself from the pinot grigio IV for long enough, she would actually display real human emotions? We only get a genuinely nice moment once every three seasons of Real Housewives, and the party was definitely ours for the season. Particularly when Ramona pulled Sonja into and empty room for a slideshow of pictures from the history of their friendship, which spans most of their adult lives. It says nothing good about this show that seeing two people who are actually friends interact seems so touching compared to everything else.

The episode also provided a bit of a softer view on Sonja, who came across as weighed down by her divorce and financial problems and acting out in order to distract both herself and others from what’s actually going on. It’s hard to fault her for that, particularly since the issues that she’s dealing with are so weighty and real. Unlike most of the issues this show tackles, like meantweets (there I go, using that word again) and Simon’s bizarre leather Nehru-collared top at Ramona’s party.

Speaking of bizarre and annoying, Cindy went out to brunch with her parents and one of her kids (Where was the other kid? Didn’t she have twins?) and couldn’t even be bothered to entertain the baby for the duration of the meal. So what did she do about it? Did she hand the kid off to one of her parents? Did she request a highchair into which she could strap the adorable little tot and prevent it from reaching things on the table? No, she called someone who works for he company, whose work duties do not at all involve childcare, and had her take the baby out to the restaurant’s lobby to play with her while they finished their meal.

Now I certainly don’t have a problem with people who have help with their kids. Nannies? Bring ’em on. The more people around a child who love and care for the kid, the better. But calling a random employee from your spa company to come and entertain your kid because you don’t even spend enough time around her to know how to deal with her during a meal is asinine on, like, eight different levels. Even trying to explain why that’s annoying makes me want to go cross-eyed from confusion because, I mean, where does one even start?

Speaking of confusing restaurant interactions, our episode closed with Alex and Kelly sitting down to discuss problems that I wasn’t really aware that they had. Kelly called the meeting and did most of the talking, which made me want to automatically take Alex’s side, but then Alexis pulled an Alexis, for lack of a better term. Alexis, of Real Housewives of Orange County fame, is a big fan of shirking off her husband’s bad behavior toward her friends by insisting that they take it up with him instead of her, even though it’s perfectly acceptable (and possibly even preferable) to address a problem you’re having with a friend’s spouse with the friend first before starting some sort of fight with her husband behind her back.

I’m not married, a fact for which I wake up and thank the sweet baby Jesus every day, but if I were, I would want my friends to come to me if my husband was doing something that bothered them. Like, say, harassing them on Twitter. I’d want to know if my husband were using his time to send nasty tweets to people with whom I’m at least nominally friends, wouldn’t you? Because I’d want to use that information to later tell him to knock it off and stop meddling in my friendships, or alternately, give him a secret high-five if it were someone who I don’t actually like. Methinks that Alex and Simon’s interaction after Alex’s lunchtime chat (and I use the word “chat” loosely, because Kelly was the only person talking) was more of the latter than the former.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Erik

    oh Amanda i laughed soooo much with the Blackberry part….

  • Ashley

    Kelly is so nonsensical when she’s talking, though, so it also immediately wants me to take Alex’s side.

  • Ashley

    Also, my problem with Cindy: she very clearly made it sound like she WANTED to be a single mother. She made it sound like it was all planned for her to have children, because it was missing in her life. And so . . . she can’t spend any time alone with them? She can’t take care of them in the most basic way? It seems like they’re some kind of trophy. Oh, I’m Cindy, I’m a businesswoman and a single mother . . . and yet, I would say that she’s a mother in the most basic definition of the word- she phsyically has custody of the children but that’s it.

  • Nancy from SB

    The overuse by so many of these “housewives” of the word “bully” when anyone simply disagrees with them (or even dares to stand up to them) is not helping the cause of real children who truly are being bullied and traumatized.

    I think you all know by now that Jill and Bobby’s complaints about Simon are really about the blogger – Lynn somebody from Chicago Apparently Lynn attended Alex and Simon’s book signing in Chicago, photos were taken, and subsequently assumptions were made. Clearly there are legions of people out there who dislike Jill intensely – and I am not convinced that Simon is one of them. I don’t follow anyone’s tweets but I doubt Simon tweets are any more snarky than Jill’s or Kelly’s, based on the samples I’ve seen in various blogs.
    PS I do not dislike Jill, by the way, in fact I thought she was quite amusing, until she “We’re DONE!”-ed Bethenny – I just think she has reaped what she’s sown. That amazon book review scandal really did it for most of us.

  • Kitty

    Cindy is just horrible, horrible. She acted like she didn’t even know how to hold her child for a minute. Yeah, she has two of them, but can only take care of one at a time. Oh sorry, she cannot even do that. She is truly pathetic and creepy.
    I had a moment some time ago, when I thought I may tolerate Simon, but between him wanting to be one of the girls (what man does that?), and the weird garb, I just can’t. It is a comedy of delusional weirdos talking about nothing, fighting about nothing and drinking.

  • Mirna

    I’m seriously going to stop watching the housewives until BH comes back on. That’s it I’ve made up my mind! These women really bore me!

    • Decor Girl

      I have to agree. These NYC girls have gotten so juvenile. Cindy is just bazzar and for some reason bitter. LuAnn can not listen to anyone but herself and has gotten too into her own false propriety. Hormona is just crazy – who doesn’t feel sorry for her daughter and husband. They have “jumped the shark.”

      BH is fun.

  • Kjon

    I don’t think Simon has much to do with the I hate Jill Zarin blog save for those few pictures. I’d also like to see these “meantweets” or whatever that seemed so offensive. I agree with a previous commenter that the word “bully” is thrown around way too loosely on these shows.

    Loved the Alexis reference, too. “Deflect and Project” should be her motto. Instead of, uhm, “what would Jesus do”. Simon does try to be like one of the girls so maybe that’s why Alex felt that way?

  • lisafire

    the tom sawyer whitewashing analogy was SO funny!!! i feel bad for Sonja, and sadly, now i am distracted by the fact that she really does look like carson kressley!!!! LOL!!! very funny wrap up of show!!!

  • adrienne z

    Kelly should keep her darn mouth shut. SHE is the troublemaker this season. The spur-of-the-moment “opinions” and wind-scattered thought processes that plop out of her mouth through her lips are as invalid as the “systematic bullying” platform she “deserved” to take a non-stance about at last season’s reunion – (oh, that’s right – she never said that….). She is a psychotic 12-yr old girl thrown into a grown woman’s body and thrown onto a reality show involving the super-rich “high-society” blue-bloods (NOT!!!). She is a complete dingbat. I cannot for the life of me understand why Jill and Luann even give her the time of day let alone include her in their fold. Do they have crayons at their house so she can color while she’s there?

  • adrienne z

    And Cindy……….. What the #@^%!$@?!
    What mom does not bring toys to a restaurant when they have a baby with them? She hasn’t a clue how to be a mother. I’m surprised she even knows how to pick them up properly.
    I shudder to see what is going to happen when her kids turn 2. LOL!! She’s going to end up in a straitjacket.

  • stephanie

    I made the mistake of reading some the hate blog and I hate to say but it pro Alex and Simon,,,well Ramona too. Alex said in her blog they have nothing to do with it but the hate blog seems to say otherwise. I’m not a Jill fan by any means but d@?m. It seems like they are all about spreading hate about one another. I’m with you Amanda. I want to see the tweets…

    • c.c.

      I read the blog too and I didn’t get that impression at all.

  • Atty2de

    What was that THIING Simon was wearing to the party????? Was it a muu muu? A dress? A robe? Whatever it was it was a MESS.

    And Sonja…why are you telling the plumber about all the help you usually have around your apartment and that you gave them the day off???? BTW, the next time you stick your hand in a toilet, put on a pair of rubber gloves. No, not that kind…the kind you wear to wash dishes. You do know how to wash dishes, don’t you?

    • Kjon

      Sonja seems like the type who would tell a plumber about all “the help” she usually has. She also seems like the type who would give a dollar to a homeless person and then ensure everyone within a 100 mile radius knew about her act of kindness. People like her need that validation, I think.

  • shallowgal

    Sorry, going to have to disagree regarding wives being responsible for their husbands behavior ~ mine is a grown man & I can’t put him on a leash or act like his mother ~ so, I see Alex’s point.
    If somebody has a problem with a person, they should take it up with that person and not a go-between, even if it’s a spouse.

    whew. And Kelly is acting more like Kelly with each episode. I was starting to scare myself with thoughts of how she seems like the reasonable one. No more. One pancake woman is still not on this planet nobody how often she utters some picked up psycho babble.

    • shallowgal

      typo much? lol. … no MATTER how often….

  • Marry Lynn


  • adrienne z

    alex/s hair did look really good

  • Faiza

    wow i love reading the summary here…and i agree with your thoughts..the HAIR did look good indeed!

  • adrienne z


  • Lorie

    I had a Blackberry Curve. It was crap. So yes, it belonged in the toilet.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Okay…Cindy’s inability to handle ONE of her children annoyed me. I’m the working mother of a five year old, so I know it’s not easy, but Sheesh girl – give it some effort!! Yes, it’s a pain to eat at a restaurant with a young one, but you put some thought into it. Work it out. Ask your friends or relatives for some pointers. You then begin to figure it out for yourself. You don’t call your office and ask someone to take your child so you can drink your glass of wine!

    Got that off my chest. Much better. :)

    Still can’t stand Luann and literally laughed until I cried at her new video. Can’t wait to see how that goes down next week. I know the word “weird” has been used way too much but her producer/DJ is WEIRD!!!

  • adrienne z

    can’t wait for the next recap whichever that may be

  • Cares

    Jill & Kelly were talking whilst Luann was painting in what she probably thinks ARE painters’ clothes … short skirt with brown suede boots? Sure ok. NOT! Luann is successful only in that she has shown what a truly unhappy woman she really is. She speaks of others in a nasty holier than thou way. As for her behavior as a “Countess”, she has only succeeded in showing just how empty and shallow she is. Perhaps a reason behind her divorce? Not excusing hubby for what he did, but still… I see higher titled individuals with more class in their little fingernail than she has! I am still very much in the Ramona and Alex camp – both self employed, both go getters and work hard from all appearances. Ramona can be a bit harsh at times but so what? She speaks from her heart at all times … sometimes that can be harsh! lol I certainl don’t watch the show as much now … with Bethany gone, Jill is useless, Kelly is just … empty, LuAnn (nuff said there), Sonja – I’m kinda getting to like her and who else? lol