Ladies! It’s always the long weekend. In fact, this recap of Real Housewives of New York is the only thing that stands between me and three days of doing positively nothing, except maybe going down to the water to watch the fireworks on Monday. I’m not really an outdoor girl, but I do love the boozing and Netflixing potential of an extra day off.

On last night’s episode, there was plenty of boozing but little to no Netflixing, which was only unfortunate because watching Kelly or Ramona watch Netflix might actually be more interesting than listening to people argue over whether or not Simon is a cyberbully without any of them ever bothering to explain what it was that Simon actually said to them. At least we got a couple of parties and a Blackberry in a toilet for our trouble.

Ramona, Alex and Kelly got together at an impossibly chic lounge overlooking the FDR to idly chat about Ramona’s upcoming birthday party. I thought that Ramona’s birthday was last week? Oh right, that was her daughter’s. You only would have known that if you had paid very close attention, because Ramona did everything she could to make sure the party was about her, right down to bogarting all of the gifts when they got home. (I don’t actually know that happened, like in a factual way, but I know it happened, in the metaphysical sense.)

Sonja would also have her birthday party at Ramona’s party, but it would be a surprise! Ramona loves Sonja like a sister, which Sonja should probably find fairly terrifying. There’s a thin live between love and hate, and the affection of a crazy person can turn on a dime, particularly when the pinot grigio IV starts running low. The party actually turned out pretty nice, but we’ll get to that in a second.

For some reason we skipped straight to a party that Cindy was throwing for her new Brazilian waxing kit, which is something that no one should ever do to themselves at home, ever. I don’t care what kit you’re buying, ripping hair out of your own vagina without the aid of a professional is a bad idea. No two ways about it. Also a bad idea: shaving the crotch-areas of men in suits on camera so that you can stick Swarovski butterflies on them. Yep, that happened. I have no opinion about it, because having an opinion about it would mean that I have to admit to myself that someone who wears a suit for a living actually consented to doing that on television. I’m not prepared to admit that to myself, so we’re moving on.

Elsewhere at the party, Jill was complaining to anyone who would sit still that Simon wanted to have lunch with her and it was weird. “Weird” is the word of the season, you guys. He apparently wanted to get together to discuss whatever it was that Bobby alluded to last week, which Jill thought was unnecessary, and she finally decided to pull him aside to tell him that instead of just telling everyone else in the room.

What should be been a reasonable, if boring, conversation between Jill and Simon then took a bit of a turn. Before he huffed off, Simon told Jill to “watch out” in a way that struck me as rather ominous and threatening, not to mention unnecessary. And I like Simon. I always have. When Kelly tried to pull him aside afterward for reasons that I didn’t entirely understand (not that I ever entirely understand why any of these women do anything), he refused to speak to her and huffed out of the party with Alex while LuAnn and Jill were inside, complaining about how Alex and Simon were trying to stay relevant by starting fights. And while Alex’s problems with LuAnn seemed genuine to me from a few weeks ago, Simon’s sudden snit did seem…odd. To say the least.

Over at Sonja’s house, the toilet was stopped up, so she called a plumber to help her out. And although she didn’t say anything about it for once in her tenure on this show, the plumber was totally hot in a very blue collar, works-with-his-hands sort of way. (I’ll be he works with his hands…). And after cleaning the toilet under his watch eyes, Sonja saw the source of the clog and pulled it out with her bare hand, probably just so she could bend over and graze the hot plumber’s crotch. And it was…a Blackberry, apparently of providence unknown. If I call a plumber on the Upper East Side, will he come? Because I can stuff a a phone down the toilet too. I can do it right now. I’m not that attached to my phone. I can get a new one.

And so can Sonja, based on her baffling reaction to yanking a phone out of her toilet. “Oh, it was a Blackberry.” Like Blackberries grow in her toilet or something, and she’s always yanking ’em out, covered in toilet paper, just so she can poop in peace without a Blackberry blocking her way. Is that how Blackberries are made? I always thought they came from factories, like iPhones. But they grow in the toilets of rich people and need to be harvested? Fascinating.

While Sonja was reaping the bounty of her toilet, Jill and LuAnn got together to paint and gossip about Simon. Well, they didn’t actually paint. They sat around and watched other people paint while wearing painting clothes, and all I could think of was Tom Sawyer and the fence he didn’t whitewash. Hopefully the people painting were actually hired help instead of people that Jill had recruited off of the sidewalk, but with Jill, you never know. I’m not even entirely sure what the two talked about while the painters worked in the background. Alex and Simon, presumably, but there was too much talk and too little proof that anything wrong had actually been done in this episode for the subject to hold my attention after the initial conversation. Show us the meantweets, Bravo. Actually, I shouldn’t even say that, because I don’t want to legitimize “meantweets” as a word.

Jill and LuAnn weren’t the only people to take a moment to themselves to discuss the situation; Alex and Simon also sat down at home to talk about it and how you can’t have a friendship in a vacuum or something, but I was mostly distracted by Alex’s hair. It looked really good! Perhaps the best it has ever looked in god knows how many seasons of this show. So if you know what actually happened during that conversation that didn’t involve Alex’s hair, please feel free to fill us in. Or don’t, because I’m assuming that nothing of consequence was actually said, as was the case with basically every other conversation that took place in this episode. Watching people talk about their problems with each other with people are are not directly involved in the problems is not good television.

Thankfully, the episode then moved on to the party that Ramona had been planning at the beginning of the episode, which actually was half for Sonja. If not more than half – a very big deal was made about surprising her, and Ramona said some very sweet and heartfelt things about how much she cared about Sonja and thought of her as a sister. Who knew that if Ramona unhooked herself from the pinot grigio IV for long enough, she would actually display real human emotions? We only get a genuinely nice moment once every three seasons of Real Housewives, and the party was definitely ours for the season. Particularly when Ramona pulled Sonja into and empty room for a slideshow of pictures from the history of their friendship, which spans most of their adult lives. It says nothing good about this show that seeing two people who are actually friends interact seems so touching compared to everything else.

The episode also provided a bit of a softer view on Sonja, who came across as weighed down by her divorce and financial problems and acting out in order to distract both herself and others from what’s actually going on. It’s hard to fault her for that, particularly since the issues that she’s dealing with are so weighty and real. Unlike most of the issues this show tackles, like meantweets (there I go, using that word again) and Simon’s bizarre leather Nehru-collared top at Ramona’s party.

Speaking of bizarre and annoying, Cindy went out to brunch with her parents and one of her kids (Where was the other kid? Didn’t she have twins?) and couldn’t even be bothered to entertain the baby for the duration of the meal. So what did she do about it? Did she hand the kid off to one of her parents? Did she request a highchair into which she could strap the adorable little tot and prevent it from reaching things on the table? No, she called someone who works for he company, whose work duties do not at all involve childcare, and had her take the baby out to the restaurant’s lobby to play with her while they finished their meal.

Now I certainly don’t have a problem with people who have help with their kids. Nannies? Bring ’em on. The more people around a child who love and care for the kid, the better. But calling a random employee from your spa company to come and entertain your kid because you don’t even spend enough time around her to know how to deal with her during a meal is asinine on, like, eight different levels. Even trying to explain why that’s annoying makes me want to go cross-eyed from confusion because, I mean, where does one even start?

Speaking of confusing restaurant interactions, our episode closed with Alex and Kelly sitting down to discuss problems that I wasn’t really aware that they had. Kelly called the meeting and did most of the talking, which made me want to automatically take Alex’s side, but then Alexis pulled an Alexis, for lack of a better term. Alexis, of Real Housewives of Orange County fame, is a big fan of shirking off her husband’s bad behavior toward her friends by insisting that they take it up with him instead of her, even though it’s perfectly acceptable (and possibly even preferable) to address a problem you’re having with a friend’s spouse with the friend first before starting some sort of fight with her husband behind her back.

I’m not married, a fact for which I wake up and thank the sweet baby Jesus every day, but if I were, I would want my friends to come to me if my husband was doing something that bothered them. Like, say, harassing them on Twitter. I’d want to know if my husband were using his time to send nasty tweets to people with whom I’m at least nominally friends, wouldn’t you? Because I’d want to use that information to later tell him to knock it off and stop meddling in my friendships, or alternately, give him a secret high-five if it were someone who I don’t actually like. Methinks that Alex and Simon’s interaction after Alex’s lunchtime chat (and I use the word “chat” loosely, because Kelly was the only person talking) was more of the latter than the former.

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