Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was all about invitations, which is sort of a polite way of saying that it was all about things that don’t matter, and furthermore, it was about things that no one cares about. At times, it didn’t seem like our housewives even cared. Kelly quit a conversation midway through to do sand angels. I didn’t even know sand angels were a thing that people did.

Can we get Jill back, please? Do we, as a country, have an extradition treaty with Australia? Will they send her back if we charge her with some sort of crime here? Surely she’s don’t something against the law in her life. Was her outfit on Watch What Happens Live a few weeks ago not technically illegal? Or was it just morally reprehensible? Jill, come home. We need you. Bravo needs you. Your gay uncle in the basement is calling.

We started with Cindy and Sonja, who were headed to see Vivian Tam and have lunch, except that Cindy had gotten drunk at Ramona’s event the night before and broken her teeth eating pistachios afterward. If only Cindy were like the rest of us, who eat Gray’s Papaya when we’re drunk in the middle of the night in New York City, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. I’m not a dentist, but I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to chip your tooth on a hotdog, even if you’re drunk. And this is from a girl who accidentally bit off the tip of her tongue while drunkenly shoving french fries down her gullet in college, so I know of which I speak.

Luckily, Cindy had stashed her broken teeth in her Birkin with some denture glue so that they could stand around in the middle of Vivian Tam’s boutique and try to re-stick Cindy’s veneers while waiting for a meeting with the designer. Surprise! It didn’t work, probably because “Fixadent and forget it!” doesn’t apply to stupid things you do while you’re drunk.

Anyway, they finally put Cindy’s teeth away and started trying on dresses, during which Cindy invited Sonja to her birthday party in the Hamptons that weekend and Sonja outright declined because it wasn’t in the right neighborhood and Sonja simply does not go to Quogue. Actually, “declined” is probably too diplomatic of a term to use. She outright cringed at the thought of deigning to go to Quogue, wherever that is. It sort of sounds like it’s in Middle Earth or Harry Potterland, doesn’t it?

Perhaps justifiably irritated that Sonja couldn’t be bothered to drive to the next town over for her birthday, Cindy decided to cancel the rest of their afternoon outing. Her teeth, they were too embarrassing! What a convenient excuse to ditch Sonja, particularly since her teeth looked exactly the same in the scene as they always do, and Cindy had already reassured Sonja that they wouldn’t be skipping lunch. If she won’t go to your birthday party because she can’t be bothered, I fully support sending her to lunch alone, even if it’s not terribly mature. G’head.

Out in the Hamptons, LuAnn was doing the motherly half of her week. You see, she stays out there a couple of days and acts like she’s paying attention, and the rest of the week, she flits around the city and tends to her boyfriend and pretends to be a singer while a “mother’s helper” makes sure that her kids don’t accidentally asphyxiate themselves with their own luxurious hair or something. I don’t know, hair? I don’t really have a funny ending for that joke. It’s a good setup though, right? “Asphyxiate” is a funny word. But yeah, LuAnn’s taking a bit of a 60/40 approach to this whole “single mom” thing.

Elsewhere in the Hamptons, Sonja had arrived in her fancy blue blazer and riding pants to take a few laps around a ring on a horse with Kelly, who has been riding for quite a while. (Of course she has, she’s the ex-model ex-wife of a famous photographer, what else do you think she does with her time?) Lack of recent experience didn’t stop Sonja from whipping the horse around like a moron and then promptly falling straight off of it after a few near-falls that apparently didn’t convince her to slow down. As if we needed more jackassery from Sonja this season. What happened to her? I liked her so much last season. Has she been hanging out with Kelly too much?

Sonja hopped up immediately from her faceplant, brushed herself off and started marching her horse straight back to the barn without making eye contact with Kelly, the trainer or any of the cameras. Afterward, she and Kelly went over to sit by a fence and talk about cocktail parties, one of which Sonja would be having in the near future, but Sonja didn’t warn Kelly that she’d be inviting Ramona, who is now Kelly’s arch-nemesis even though I don’t really remember exactly why they hate each other. Apparently this season’s entire narrative is going to revolve around people being secretly invited to parties.

But before we could talk about that party in more detail, we had to attend a party at LuAnn’s house that was comprised of Ramona and Sonja drinking and arguing about Quogue while LuAnn played bartender in some sort of wood-paneled rumpus room, and then Kelly showed up to make some offensive Indian-mocking noises, show off her jewelry line and get into some sort of spat with Sonja about Elle MacPherson and ex-husbands. Sonja, suffering from her latest case of diarrhea of the mouth and unable to stop herself from being offensive, then turned back to Cindy to tell her that she had marked the emails that she gets about Completely Bare as spam, apparently of the opinion that saying such a thing wouldn’t be irritating to the person who owns the company.

Alex arrived just in time with a warm bottle of champagne and wearing some sort of fur pelt to match LuAnn’s rustic decor, but even that didn’t stop Sonja from complaining about how she keeps getting invited to crappy parties that she doesn’t want to attend. As if on cue, Ramona arrived and complained about the exact same thing – Qogue is too far for decency, from what I gather. Ramona being Ramona, she plowed full-speed ahead into another sensitive issue before she even had a drink in her hand: LuAnn’s weekend mothering. And then Cindy, out of spite for Sonja’s Quogue insult, told Kelly that Sonja was planning on setting her and Ramona up. I’ll say it again: Quogue can’t possibly be a real place.

The next day, LuAnn and Ramona showed up at some kind of dog-walk event to talk about a dead guy’s cigars and how that relates to Cindy. I’m still not entirely sure that I understand what the big issue is or why Ramona cares if Cindy’s brother smoked one of their mutual friend’s cigars, but she took it very personally and practically started crying right there on LuAnn’s shoulder. Maybe he smoked the cigar and told her about it as a way to remember him? Maybe he thought Ramona would appreciate that? Maybe I’m kind of angry that I even have to consider all of this?

Elsewhere at the dog walk, Sonja and Kelly got together so that Kelly could confront her about the Ramona setup, and and the only thing you need to know about that conversation is that Kelly flopped down on the beach and started doing sand angels in the middle of it. When Kelly is bored and no longer wishes to participate in whatever topic is at hand, she doesn’t excuse herself politely, she just…starts doing something else. Right there in front of you! She’s either brain-damaged or incredibly self-assured, and I’m going with the former.

Later, in the seventh circle of hell Quogue, it was time for Cindy’s birthday party and the second horse-riding scene of the episode. I’m not sure exactly why they thought it would be fun to ride horses since Cindy has no idea how to ride one and neither did most of her guests, but we were quickly distracted from the illogic of Cindy’s choice by Ramona’s simultaneous arrival and demand that she only be served pinot grigio with her name on it. Cindy then put her on a horse in hopes that she’d go away, but she came back. Ramona always comes back.

After the guests stood around for a little while and looked at the horses in confusion, everyone took turns riding around on the back of a four-wheeler, but then everything went to shit because Ramona ended up near Kelly and Kelly thought that Ramona might eat her children and it was drama. Which was stupid – Ramona might accidentally call your kids retarded or give them some pinot, but she’s not going to eat them. Much was then made over the fact that Kelly hadn’t invited Ramona to brunch, but to me, being passed over for an invite to a Kelly-centered event probably isn’t that big of a snub. Particularly when you already know she doesn’t like you. Big loss, right there.

Then, unhappy with the level of attention that she was receiving at the Housewives table, Ramona drunkenly sloshed her way over to Cindy’s brother’s table to talk to him about cigars. Cindy’s brother had exactly the same reaction to Ramona that Kelly had, which makes me wonder if Ramona might have cooties or smell like cabbage or something. Cindy had to come over to break up the fight and the only thing I could think about was how creepily similar Cindy looks to his brother’s girlfriend, not to mention how surprised I was that Cindy’s brother dates girls after seeing how deep of a V he was wearing in a previous episode. The gay community is missing an opportunity in that man.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • CacklingHens

    Oh My God, Thank You. I have been refreshing this page all morning. I am like an addict, didn’t get to watch last night. Addict to the recaps that is, not the show. Gonna go read it now.

  • shallowgal

    I now have a new HW to hate ~ Cindy! /she’s horrible too.
    I can’t decide which “persona” of LuAnn’s is more phony ~ the so-called “Countess” or the “Native American” ~ I call bullshit on both.

    Did anyone happen to catch WWHL ? Cat wasn’t buying what LuAnn was slinging either. That web only after show must be a real hoot.

    Oh ~ and darlings!! ~ everyone knows that the Hamptons are sooo much nicer in the off season ~ when all the “renters” are gone. omg. it’s too much to watch these wannabes sometimes ~ as long as you turn it into a drinking game, however, it’s extremely tolerable. lol

  • Mary

    Ramona and Sonja drink too much, or the bubbles go to their air heads way too fast. Kelly and LuAnn are actually looking polite and sane in comparison. Do they care at all about what other people say or thing — not at bit. I personally like Jill being gone.

  • relli

    Smells like cabbage! Lol I thought I was the only person who noticed this about others…. there is this girl I work with very nice but smells weird, like cheap perfume and cannot spend to much time near her for that very reason. Thanks for the recap!

  • PhotoGirl

    Andy Cohen stole an hour of my life from me last night! Such a boring RHNY episode.

    Thank heaven for your recap, Amanda. LuAnn was quite smug in her Countess-ness on WWHL, wasn’t she? Poor Cat barely got a word in! That said, I’m deducting points from The Countess for failing to point out that an American woman would not curtsy when meeting the Queen of England. (Or the queen of anywhere else, for that matter.) Surely she must have covered that in her book!

    You know things are bad when Kelly seems like the mature one…

  • Rebecca

    I am now starting to believe the rumors that this season was pushed back to April due to re-editing. The show has become boring and silly. Just a bunch of hens clucking and biting at each other. It is almost painful to watch.

    Love your recaps though!

  • CacklingHens

    This episode was boring just like the rest of them. Didn’t see a lot of Alex this time around and no Jill. Good recap though.

  • mochababe73

    I love Ramona, and I felt like some of the women were picking on her. They know how she is so you either accept her or move on. I am thinking that Ramona and I could be buds.
    Kelly is a little koo koo for cocoa puffs. She must have a short memory about how she acted like Krazy Kelly on Scary Island. That’s all I have to say about her.
    Cindy and her brother’s relationship makes my skin crawl. They are a little too close for comfort. I hope that she doesn’t come back next year.
    Like the Countess, I am not liking Sonja in this, her second season. She just thinks a little too highly of herself this season.
    The Countess has been a part-time mother for a while. Anyone remember Rosie, the kids’ real mother. She’s offended because she knows that it’s true.
    I didn’t miss Jill. Period. End of discussion.
    Alex didn’t have much play time.
    Which brings me to this point-there are too many of them. I say let’s have Jill, Countess, Ramona, Alex, and Sonja. Get rid of the other dead weight.

  • S

    I still think Ramona is an idiot and Sonja whom I used to love is not too far behind. Kelly says stupid things, but she isn’t nearly as offensive as Ramona and now Sonja. I actually liked watching Kelly running away from Ramona – did Ramona forget that she didn’t invite Kelly to some event earlier this season? Kelly doesn’t seem like it would bother her if she weren’t invited to an event, but Ramona is self-important enough to think she needs to be invited to everything. Kelly’s in her own world, comfortable with herself, whatever you want to call it. I like that about her even though she’s not the sharpest.

  • S

    Also anyone know what Ramona does for a living? I know the jewelry is part of her husband’s family business. I just can’t make myself believe that she is any more of a respected business woman than anyone else on the show.

    • c.c.

      Isn’t she some sort of buyer? In my head I’m thinking it’s for a store like TJ Maxx or an outlet.

      I remember from season one or two someone selling her about 1,000 shirts and her trying to get the price down. Then she told him she’s always looking for plus sized jeans.

      I don’t know why I remember that bit of weirdness but I think she does something like that. It involves clothes.

    • Purse Mommy

      Ramona’s company buys surplus stock from a company like Tommy Hilfiger and sells it to stores like Marshalls

  • Ping

    I stop watching this mess, but still follow your blog and as usual it does not disappoint!

  • Matthew

    Amanda: I agree on both of your points about Cindy’s brother.

  • Matthew

    Maybe his girlfriend is his beard, and since he likes his sister so much he decided to find a girl just like her. I hope he’s gay, anyway. If not….uber creepy.

  • Kat

    Sonja needs to shut up! Talking to Cindy while Ramona was speaking. She tries to hard for attention. She needs another dwi

  • suz

    Phew….I’m coming down from Weddingmania….I think it’s interesting that this show has become about who is most odious. There’s simply no more liking any of them. They all seem to be circling the drain. Luanne put the final nail in her coffin by her behavior/demenor on WWHL. Kelly, however comparatively sane she might seem at the moment, is still utterly narcissistic and stupid….Cindy….horrible….and she looks exactly like her brother in drag. Here’s a questtion…..Do you think this season is just being edited sloppily, or have they all gone to hell in a handbag (no pun intended)?

  • Misty

    Ramona is a pest that everyone is running from. Why invite her to social gatherings when it is well know she is as obnoxious as they come. Must be for the ratings.

  • SuzieQ

    Soon, I’ll be skipping the show and watching WWHL & reading the recaps. I cannot stand Sonja, Jill, Kelly or LuAnn.

  • SuzieQ

    This season is over-the-top contrived! Sorry to say, I think I’m finished watching the show, I do look forward to the comments, as usual.

  • SuzieQ

    I say kick Cindy and her creepy brother off the show! It’s not a brunette thing, she’s just gross.

  • adrienne z

    missed Kelly in the sand. will have to wait for a rerun

  • shirley

    i didn’t understand the whole cigar/cindy’s brother issue either, but i figured it out by the end of this episode. ramona’s good friend died, and at some point his wife starting dating howie, cindy’s brother. ramona bumped into howie somewhere and he was smoking a cigar, making a point to tell ramona that it was her dead friend’s cigar, as if to say, “look at me! i’m sleeping with your dead friend’s wife.” it is actually pretty disrespectful.

    on a different note, sonja used to be so cool! not so much anymore…

    • Blaine

      Exactly – the only way I was able to get it was to translate it into my own life — my best friend dies leaving her Chanel baby pink crocodile Mademoiselle bag to her dirtbag boyfriend who, soon enough, hooks up with Trashy Chick. I meet Trashy Chick at wedding, comment on bag, and she gloats that it used to be my best friend’s … before she CROAKED! Hahahaha!! I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have piped up like Ramona, or talked behind Trashy Chick’s back. I would have taken her politely aside, then shoved my fist in her face. And then I would have stolen the bag.

    • Ahh, so that’s it? Somehow I thought that Cindy’s brother was also friends with the dead friend, so it didn’t seem that bad. But if that’s the case, I can understand why Ramona would be upset. That’s pretty shitty.

  • Amy A

    Well ..personally this whole episode was a giant WTF, when i watched it. . I actually like Cindy. Ramona is nuts as always, but Sonja needs to calm the F down! I swear its like this woman is on permanent PMS during this season, what happened to Sonja?

  • Jilly

    I totally saw the look alike connection between Cindy’s & her brothers girlfriend. I am just waiting for the creepy on screen kiss to happen a la Angelina Jolie & her brother….

  • Manuela

    My own brothers and I are BFFs, so personally I identify with Cindy’s closeness to Howie in some ways.

    That being said, neither of them ever dated or married a woman who resembled me in any way, shape or form, physically or in terms of temperment. That’s where I get really weirded out. I agree: NOT normal.

  • willbuy

    Without Jill I find this show boring. I also don’t understand the episodes fascination with horses. What was up with Ramonas bra at Cindy’s party??. It had some weird bulges under her green top. She needs to go with Betheney for a fitting.

    • c.c.

      I can live the rest of my life without ever seeing Jill again.

  • adrienne z

    Kelly is so gross and she’s too much of an idiot to be that rich. How does that happen?

  • adrienne z

    happy mother’s day all!

  • Nadia

    I’ve finally started catching up with this season, and all I can think is, “What happened to Sonja?!?!” She was my favorite last season, and now she is horrendous, almost a caricature of herself. I love how she considers herself so much better than Cindy, yet Cindy actually owns her own company and makes her own money.

    Btw…isn’t it Vivienne Tam, not Vivian?

  • Gsalwen

    The whole Quogue ordeal is beyond pretentious and rude. I was born and raised on the Upper East Side of Manhttan and I can tell you first hand that 95% of the women do not behave like these women and would never be associated with them. My family had a beautiful summer home in Quogue and I was really offended with their rude putdowns. For your information, Quogue is located in the Town of Southampton (where all of the women except for Kelly have a home) and some of the homes their sell for millions of dollars. I don’t understand what their problem is, I loved going to my Hamptons house as a child. They really need to grow up. 

  • Drew M-R

    Quogue is far nicer and wealthier than Westhampton, with home values rarely going below 4-5 million. It’s where Michael J Fox has a house. You can get a house in Westhampton for a million. The Kennedys have a house on Shinnecock road there. There are houses well into 8 digits of value.