Because of Fashion Week shenanigans, I didn’t get to see or recap last week’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Naturally, that meant I had to watch that episode prior to recapping this one, and it was literally so stupid that it gave me a nose bleed. That’s new, as-yet-unexplored depths of stupidity, in case you’re keeping score at home.

Was last night’s episode even worse? Maybe. Our Housewives took flight for a few days in the Dominican Republic, and we all know what happens when those broads cross international borders. (Hint: Nothing good.) In fact, I’d say that the only good thing that came out of last night was the knowledge that the airline lost one of Teresa’s suitcases. Little by little, the universe is trying to weed her tacky clothing out.

We started with Melissa and Nonjuicy, who were busy stuffing her Forever 21 halter tops and his Ed Hardy shirts into suitcases so they could all go to Punta Cana and make nice with the rest of the family. The Dominican Republic is magic, you see, because they all went there one time years ago and no one stabbed anyone else. So it’ll all be fine! Except it immediately wasn’t fine, because Nonjuicy sniffed the crotch of one of Melissa’s bathing suits, at which point I passed out and my nose started bleeding again.

After my roommate found me on the floor, shook me away and brought me some tissues, we made the rest of the rounds to watch everyone else pack and express their meager hopes that the entire cast would survive the trip to Punta Cana. We know better than that, because we know that no one ever comes back from these trips unscathed if there are Real Housewives cameras in tow, and there’s also the added curiosity that a stranger actually did end up getting assaulted by our lovely ladies of New Jersey during this trip. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves! First, let’s wag our fingers at Ashley for not even being productive enough to go get a passport photo taken so that she could go on a free Caribbean vacation. That’s how useless Ashley is, everyone. The upside of all of that, of course, was that we didn’t have to see her for the entire episode.

And then, all of a sudden, everyone was getting off of the airplane in the DR, and you could tell which disembarking passengers were ours by their leopard-print luggage and nylon Ferrari track suits. It’s good to know that in any language, bad taste translates. Side note: If only you knew how bad leopard print has to be for me to say anything negative about it. I live for leopard print. I have maybe considered buying leopard bedding in the past. (IT WAS DIANE VON FURSTENBERG, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.)

From the airport, our New Jerseyans (New Jerseyites?) were off in a caravan of four Escalades, but before they even got anywhere, one of the Joes (does it even matter which one at this point?) was commanding the driver to stop so that all of our extremely classy Real Househusbands and their male children could go disgrace the name of the country from which they originate and take a piss in a field by the side of the road while the camera crews filmed them. I use the term “take a piss” only because I think that’s the only accurate phrase when the urination is happening in broad daylight and in front of a camera crew.

Once everyone zipped up and loaded back into the cars, it was only a matter of time before they were at the resort and sprinting to claim their rooms like the new cast members of The Real World. In fact, that’s kind of an interesting thought – what if we made all of the Housewives move in together for six months? How quickly do you think they’d start killing and eating each other? Who do you think they’d eat first? Probably Jacqueline, right? She’s too nice to lead the attack.

Anyway, as we all could have guessed by the tans going on in this group, the next step was getting out into the sun. Except, naturally, Theresa had nine suitcases full of bathing suits with matching high heels and sunglasses and hats and pareos, and she needed help picking out a look. Lauren didn’t want to hear it because Lauren already feels like the fat girl in the room, Caroline didn’t want to hear it because she was sick (both literally, physically sick and figuratively sick of Teresa), and no one else cared because in general, no one cares what anyone else wears on vacation. It’s just not important. The only things that are important on vacation are booze and hot strangers. Holla if ya hear me.

Teresa is a one-woman universe in her own head, though, so she tried on three bathing suits and made everyone else weigh in on which one she should wear, but really everyone just grunted and moaned every time she came prancing out, and when she went back to change, they talked about how she looked like a stripper. It makes me so glad that they all hate Teresa as much as we do now. It reassures me that we’re right.

Between then and the juicy bits of the episode, there were a lot of shenanigans. They went out on a boat and demonstrated Darwin’s principle of natural selection by jumping into shallow water, they played some kind of game with a bottle of rum, Jacqueline and Lauren complained even more about being next to skinny people. Nonjuicy got a little rapey on Melissa in a port-a-potty. Ho hum, normal vacation stuff.

After all of that, though, a few of the adults (and I use that term loosely) sat down on the beach to talk about…I’m not even sure. Juicy revealed his brilliant plant to start a restaurant with no source of payroll and no concept beyond the recipes Teresa’s cookbook, and then he said that they could just sell it if they got tired of having a restaurant. The look that Albert Sr. and Richie exchanged when Juicy said that was about ten times as amusing as any of the fighting that Kathy and Teresa did afterward, all of which was about…again, god knows what.

I must have been having painful flashbacks to the earlier roadside urination scene, because I missed exactly how Kathy and Teresa started yelling at each other, which actually doesn’t matter at all. It never matters. The important part of the argument was when they eventually ended up bickering over whether or not Teresa abandoned her infant at the christening at the beginning of the season, and we all know she did. There’s video evidence, and Bravo has helpfully played it every time this argument has happened, all season long.

Kathy and Teresa shrieked back and forth at each other for a while in a language that was apparently supposed to be English but could have probably used some subtitles for those of us playing along at home, and Teresa did it in the kind of giant floppy hat and matching sunglasses that automatically means you lose any argument you start. You can’t be victorious and also be matchy-matchy. You have to choose one or the other, and clearly Teresa has already made her choice. No takesies-backsies, Teresa.

Eventually Teresa and Juicy got up to storm off, and we got to see the best part of the entire tacky spectacle – the Manzo kids and Gay Roommate Greg (Our favorite! Still!), being the sane people in the room (again, as always), speculating about whether or not they had missed a fight worth seeing or just a regular fight, rooting for Kathy and joking about Teresa and Juicy’s inability to access vocabulary beyond that of a third-grader. They were like the Greek chorus for the evening, and hopefully they continue to be just that for the rest of the trip or until Teresa clunks that guy in the head with a glass and the police make Bravo turn the cameras off.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Lottied

    Gotta stop reading your recaps before my meetings at work, I keep giggling to myself about the bits and pieces of your recap and now my co-workers think I’m losing it :)

  • mochababe73\

    Great recap as usual.
    I told my husband that Housewives road trips never turn out well. But what season can go without one.
    On a good note, that resort was amazing, and I told my husband that I fully expect him to take me to one without the children.
    I KNOW that you heard that Jill, Kelly, Alex, and Cindy would not be on the RHofNY next season. Another little tidbit, the Miami ladies are being revamped.

    • Didn’t the Punta Cana resort look great? I have a friend who goes to the DR every year and raves about it. I can see why.

      And I’m totally on board with Bravo revamping the New York housewives, I think the last season showed which cast members still generated audience interest as part of the show and which didn’t, and the network is right to listen. I could imagine a couple of them being interesting in other TV setups, but not RH any longer. And I figured Miami would get a revamp – I just hope they keep Mama Elsa, even if her daughter is boring.

    • Manuela

      In OC the ladies left voluntarily, by moving or kids in rehab or just saying ‘Enough’. (Lynne being the exception). The N.Y. ladies would only go by being given their pink slips and getting bum-rushed out the door. Otherwise they were quite content to bicker freakin’ endlessly in every scene and every episode.

      So be it. Time to cull the herd.

      I can’t watch RHONJ anymore. I thought Danielle getting booted would make a difference, and I was right, but not in the way I thought I’d be. Now it’s even more unwatchable.

  • Ashley

    It looked more like Joe dragged Teresa off and not that they both went off in a huff. Teresa, yes, Joe, drunkenly dragging Teresa away.

  • Suz

    I know there is some mathematical equation that applies here……the worse the show, the funnier your recaps…in direct proportion. This episode was just plain awful in every way….and your recap was absolutely hilarious. Thanks, Amanda!

  • Kate M

    Oh, how I missed you last week. Can’t wait to read your take on BH!

  • JennMSU

    I used to like Teresa. She wasn’t bad in previous seasons. And Juicy Joe, what the … the reactions by Albert, Sr and Richie said it all when he said he wanted to start a restaurant. Huge debt, all show, he just wants to reap the benefits w/o working. I still have a little hope for the Giudices (I know, I know), but sadly, I think they are heading down a rough path. I feel bad for those kids. Gia is at the point of understanding what’s going on which is unfortunate.

  • pg1908

    i think they should do new housewives every season. keep the show fresh and no one gets into this “i’m a celebrity” mindset. spare us all please

    • That’s been my theory on how to reinvigorate Real Housewives for a while. The first season of a franchise is always the best because the wives don’t know how they look on camera yet and they don’t have products to shill or petty rivalries to bore us with, so why not just make EVERY season a first season?

  • Kris

    Anyone catch the part where while packing (this may have been after he sniffed Melissa’s bathing suit crotch so Amanda, you could have been passed out) NonJuicy zipped his poor crying/screaming son into the suitcase thinking it was funny, then pulled him out of it by one leg and put him on the floor. His other kid had to tell idiot NonJuicy that his son was scared for him to realize it. I can barely watch anymore…..

  • Kris

    PS. I did enjoy the Manzo kids & Greg make fun of Teresa and Juicy saying after the fight with Kathy that they were probably having the same conversation regarding it but with the vocabulary of 3rd graders.

  • MsLabelsofLust

    I rolled over and died when you said: Except it immediately wasn’t fine, because Nonjuicy sniffed the crotch of one of Melissa’s bathing suits, at which point I passed out and my nose started bleeding again. lmmfao!
    I also loved when Melissa said “Yes Punta Cana Jersey has arrived” in response to when all the guys hopped out of the car to pee in the bushes (which I should be ashamed to say I have done but its regular thing some caribbean ppl do when we need to go and their is no port-a-potty to use) lol
    Teresa you can tell was faking all the way! Even when she went into the car with her brother her attitude was that she was looking for a argument and him and Melissa weren’t..Same thing with her and Kathy..Kathy didn’t say one thing to offend Teresa but yet Teresa found something in her fragile mind to pick on Kathy about..
    And Caroline husband is so right who opens a restaurant based on Teresa’s book??? No wonder he’s bankrupt…smdh

    • MsLabelsofLust

      Oh, and Greg is too funny..the vocab of 3rd graders! lol..He seems to be so in love with Melissa and he vicariously lives through her.
      And is it me alone that thinks Albie is a hottie?? lols

  • adrienne z

    Teresa takes no steps whatsoever to change her behaviour. Had she not been so wrapped up in herself and her battle to “outdo” Melissa in the bathing suit competition, she would have noticed that not one single person (not even the men) were the slightest bit interested in her “fashion show”.
    She had single-handedly alienated herself and changed everyone’s opinion of her with that display of vanity and changed the world’s opinion of her as well.
    Any thoughts of her as a “victim” and “misunderstood” sister/mom went out the window. She is strictly for show, for status, for self-indulgence, and “ME ME ME”. She is a bubble-headed bimbo idiot.

  • ellenbakes

    Hilarious re-cap and as always, better than the actual episode. The things I found most irritating about this episode had mostly to do with Teresa. From that high, phony falsetto she puts on to her refusal to let it go already!! Kathy had it right…”coo coo, coo coo.”

  • Californiahousewife

    It seems what Caroline thought of Teresa as “fun” and “makes me laugh” in previous seasons is now “pain in the ass” this season. Teresa seems to have always been this way and now it’s full rebellion from her “friends” who are all voting the novelty has worn off. I think they all need to decide to continue to be friends or not–can’t invite Teresa and then make non-stop fun of her when you KNOW this is the way she is. Teresa’s competition with Melissa is making her look old, sad and spiteful. SOMEone rise to the occasion—PLEASE.

  • Californiahousewife

    AND…these rich chicks from NY and BH—Please! in this economy it would be a breath of fresh air to actually see REAL housewives and how they are dealing with life. I’m sort of over platform peep toes, small dogs, diamonds with everyday wear and closets bigger than my entire house. Anyone?