In the most recent seasons of Real Housewives, it seems as though producers have either purposefully tried to end things on a happy note or there simply wasn’t enough drama among the cast members to manufacture a final blowup. Thankfully for all of us who enjoy trashy television, last night’s season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey was downright hostile. And I kind of liked it?

Normally I’m so sick of discussing the same problems over and over that I hate the thought of tuning in to see the reunion, but with the group poised to turn on Teresa en masse, I can’t wait to see what happens when they’re all forced to be in the same room together. Except for Jacqueline, that is, because she isn’t in the reunion clips that I’ve seen. If memory serves, this is the first time that a cast member has no-showed a reunion, so you know that something juicy is going on. Anyway, before we get to that stuff, we have to talk about what actually happened last night.

We started at Melissa’s house, where she was consulting with her “stylist” while inexplicably dressed like an exceptionally cheap hooker. Her “stylist” didn’t seem to have any problem with that, which means that perhaps she picked out the weird boob sling that Melissa had tastefully paired with a pair of lace-up leather pants. Also, the same woman is Teresa’s “stylist,” which pretty much gives you all the evidence that you need that she couldn’t be worse at her job if she tried. As if to properly set the mood for the scene, Teresa called during the appointment and let her fax machine make noises into the phone, as if this were some sort of absurdist, off-off-Broadway play.

At the Laurita household, Jacqueline had asked Chris’s tattooed gay brother who we met way back in the first season to come over and talk to Ashley about how being a black sheep doesn’t mean that you get a pass from making something out of yourself. Mostly the conversation just devolved into him trying to explain why Ashley shouldn’t tell boys in bars that the tattoo on her arm is of a swallow, which is why every moronic womanchild like Ashley really, truly needs a gay uncle in her life. They get right to the point.

Just in case you expected that scene to end on a satisfying note, Chris then totally caved and told Ashley that she could stay in the house, at which point she didn’t thank him or anything. She just stood there, grinning like the manipulative little twat that she is, having won yet again. You’d think that if she’s this good at getting what she wants out of people, she’d have been able to scam her way into a job by now, right? Oh wait, she doesn’t need one, because on of her parents will always give in and give her what she wants. Right.

Over at the Wakile house, Kathy’s kids were generally behaving themselves in a way that Ashley never has in her entire pathetic life. Victoria was having her hair and makeup done so she could go off to her prom. Downstairs, Richie let in Victoria’s date, who seemed appropriately terrified but also like he was trying to play it very, very cool for the cameras. More than anything that happened in the scene, though, I’d like to talk about Victoria’s dress. Is this cocktail-dress-as-prom-dress thing really taking hold? Or has it been around for a while? Were the ball growns that we all wore to my prom just a result of southern traditionalism? It’s way more fun to wear a ball gown, I think. Life has plenty of opportunities for cocktail dresses, but very few for gowns. Get a big, poofy dress, kids.

Anyway, Kathy took the whole prom thing very seriously, as though it were akin to going off to college and Victoria wouldn’t be coming back from prom until Thanksgiving. I know that prom is kind of a milestone, but by the time I went to mine, I had already been to a handful of formal high school dances and it was kind of old hat. Actually, I didn’t even buy a new dress for prom, I wore one of the ones I already had that I particularly liked. Also, I don’t think my mom took any pictures of me before I left for prom. (I know you’re reading this, Pamcakes. Correct me if I’m wrong. Do I have prom photos? I think not.)

Meanwhile, at the Giudice household, the entire clan (which, apparently, constitutes several dozen people) was getting together to take a family photo on what was literally the most enormous ugly couch I’ve ever seen in my entire life. How do you even get heinousness on that scale? The mind, it boggles. It more or less boggles constantly while Teresa is onscreen, particularly when she’s hot-gluing feathers directly to her children to make sure that she hits her tackiness quota for the photo. At this point, I’m mildly surprised that she hasn’t bedazzled the baby to look like a Blackberry case that Paris Hilton had in 2003.

The contents of the various family photos were perhaps too perfectly predictable to be funny. Nonjuicy’s little boys were both wearing hats to match their dad’s, and all of the men in the family were wearing giant chains with dangling crosses, the likes of which you’d buy if you were looking to put together a perfect guido Halloween costume. Adriana was wearing a Pretty Pretty Princess costume to which Teresa had added extra tackiness in the form of a fistful of pink craft store feathers, and Juicy was dressed in black like some bloated Johnny Cash wannabe. Somehow, though, no one shiv’d anyone else during the entire process, and the weird, screechy photographer lady actually got to do her job.

Speaking of the Giudices, the entire end of the episode was dedicated to all the smack-talking that Teresa did in her new cookbook. I didn’t realize that it was even possible to be a passive-aggressive brat by way of cookbook, but give Teresa an opportunity to be a a jerk and I suppose she’ll take it and run with it. She somehow seemed to take a swipe at everyone in the book, which made me wonder exactly how much text your average cookbook has that’s not related to recipes. Chief among her accusations was that Caroline prefers to pan-frying her meatballs instead of bake them, which Teresa apparently thinks is bad and wrong. I’m from the South, though, and that makes me an expert on frying things, so allow me to contradict her: pan-fried anything is the bomb.

Teresa also claimed that Caroline was only 1/16th Italian, which in addition to being a silly accusation, seems to be not at all true. When it was asked who exactly did that math for her, Gay Roommate Greg got in the best burn of the night (if not of the entire season) by suggesting that it might have been Teresa’s accountant that had helped her arrive at that number. Let’s all just marinate in the intensity of that burn for a second, shall we? It hurts because it’s true – Teresa had to have had help, there’s no way she understands fractions.

That’s not where the harsh words ended, though. Teresa also took to the pulpit to decry the tackiness of a stripper car wash (which is a brilliant idea that Teresa wishes she had thought up, probably), call out “her cousin” (Kathy) for making jokes about her, say something about Melissa that I didn’t catch because my Slingbox (don’t even ask) was acting up, and just generally put everyone on blast and make herself look like a giant, irredeemable jackass. (Which she is, so…accurate?)

Naturally, though, the problem wasn’t with what Teresa said, it’s with how everyone else read it, at least according to Teresa. She never does anything wrong, it’s just everyone else against her. Jacqueline came over to see the new, giant family portrait when it was delivered, and she took the opportunity to try and have a reasonable discussion with Teresa about the crazy poop-flinging that she did in her cookbook. Obviously that didn’t go so well.

Everything that Teresa does wrong is always everyone else’s fault, as we all know, and she claimed that she had called Caroline twice to let her know what was in the book. She didn’t address the fact that she’s seen and talked to Caroline a million times since she turned the book into her publishers, because if Caroline was unavailable to talk either of those specific times that she wanted to talk, then that was just the universe telling Teresa that it didn’t need to be discussed. Why is it so hard for people to understand that? People tell Teresa that she’s like Lucille Ball literally all the time, so doesn’t that give her license to say whatever she wants about anyone and not suffer any kind of consequences? Besides, Teresa doesn’t understand how consequences work anyway. This is a woman who got herself $11 million into debt and still thinks her husband should be buying her diamonds.

Can we shoot Teresa into the sun? Is it possible that we’ll be doing that during the reunion? Is that why Jacqueline wasn’t in the clips – she was backstage, managing the contraption that would rid all of us of Teresa forever? Please let that be what happens next week.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • qudz

    i read that jaqueline quit the show and refused to be on the reunion. this show has gotten so ridiculous that all i do is read your recaps about it, and a big hats off to you for suffering through it so we all dont have to!! lol.

  • Courtney

    That pic of Milania is priceless.

  • Lorie

    “Bloated Johnny Cash Wannabe” – that ranks right up there with Hosebeast as funniest ever for me! (I’m at work, and I just spewed my drink all over my screen when I read that.)

    As long as we’re shooting people into the sun, can Ashlee (the lazy twat formerly known as Ashley) be shot off too? I guess two e’s are more adult or something? The parents (all four of them) could put an end to all this crap right now. Take EVERYTHING away – clothes, phone, car, bedroom furniture, underwear, toothbrush, makeup – EVERYTHING. Clear out her room completely – even take the curtains and rugs. Then make her earn every bit of it back. Watch your brothers tonight – you get your curtains back. Clean the kitchen – you get your rugs back. I guarantee that she will be a changed person in a very short period of time. Yeah, I’m mean, and I don’t care.

    Can’t wait for the reunion to see how Teresa intends to get herself out of this one. That’s not a cookbook – that’s a BURN book.

    • Ruthie

      LOL…Take away EVERYTHING and have AshLEE earn them back piece by piece. Hey, you might be on to something, Lorie. That would be a great spin-off show for the twat!!

    • I refuse to acknowledge Ashley’s name change and will forever refer to her as her mother intended.

  • Jess

    You are SO correct about Teresa never thinking anything is her fault. And when someone does try to point it out, she gets mad or just sweeps it under the rug because ‘that’s in the past.’ I CANNOT stand her. I love Jac’s humor, and I’m going to be really sad if she has indeed quit the show. I saw the preview for the reunion during WWHL and it looked intense to say the least. Bring it on!

  • Ellz

    I hope the cocktail dress is not a new fad. I graduated in 2007 and we still wore ball gowns to prom. Cocktail dresses were more Homecoming. Ball gowns are sooooo much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    P.S. Loved the recap as always! And if Ashlee had my parents…uh she’d be on the streets fighting the raccoons for the trash.

  • hannah

    My sister and i were watching this episode and paused the prom part just to discuss the fact that everyone was wearing short cocketail dresses. We’re from NC and are all about the big poofy southern dresses — and the thought on fried things? definitely the bomb!!
    What about at the end where it said Ashley legally changed her name to Ashlee. I hate her. Send her in the contraption with Teresa.

    • Manuela

      I’m from the border of the West and Midwest…I notice the girls out here prefer floor-length, slim-fitting dresses for their formals. Girls who just gotta show their legs do the poofy above-the-knee dresses. I haven’t seen a ball gown since the Pre-Madonna era (1982?) It’s a charming Southern thing…and an English Gypsy thing!

      Ashley to Ashlee, huh? What the F ever.Still the same insufferable brat who needs a solid boot up the backside.

      Fried food is heaven on Earth. You don’t have to be Southern to recognize that! A pan-fried lithium battery is still better tasting than many other edibles prepared in more PC methods. Word to your mother. Rock on with your Crisco self, Caroline.

      • PhotoGirl

        Now you’ve made me want pan-fried Lithium. Which I pobably need, anyway.
        And Crisco is awesome.
        Pie crust.
        Pan-fried anything.
        Softens the heels.
        A true miracle product.
        Could we please shoot Andy Cohen into the sun along with Teresa? Please?

  • Laura

    When I was in high school I took any reason I had t buy a BIG ASS POOFY DRESS! Because other than your wedding, when are you ever gonna have a reason to wear one? (Unless you walk the red carpet at the Oscars, Grammys, etc…)

    And if I had ever acted the way Ashley did, I would have gotten smacked across the face and tossed out on my ass with nothing. Maybe she needs something to that effect to make her see the light….

    But it probably won’t work anyways.

  • Jamie

    So I am a bit cynical, but after watching Chris cave in completely to AshLEE, despite cool Uncle Jaime calling it like it is (we need more of him!), I wonder if the Bravo producers did some “persuading” to keep AshLEE in the house for drama sake – she has now moved out to LA and she had enough money (?!?) to PURCHASE a condo “on her own”. Don’t you kind of think that she may have drawn some sort of salary from Bravo, provided that she have a set amount of airtime on this season? After all, this “reality” show is far from real and the producers are far from just a camera crew.

    You know what would be terrific? If they showed the next season, and instead of interviews from the housewives, they had commentary from the best people on the show: Greg, Lauren, Chris, Uncle Jaime – they could all call the BS when they saw it. That would be much more entertaining.

    • Ellz

      The commentary idea is probably one of the best I’ve ever heard. I would totally keep watching if they did that!!!

  • mochababe73

    I looked up the whole intro thing online so I could actually see what they were talking about. This is what is written:
    “…and what I said about Caroline Manzo when she insulted my meatballs on the Rachael Ray Show: ‘Caroline’s as Italian as the Olive Garden’.”
    From what I gathered, they had a meatball cook-off on the Rachael Ray Show and were talking trash to each other. That maybe what the reference is to. And, unless I missed something, I didn’t read anything about strippers and car washes. I don’t see what the problem was with that anyway. I thought Caroline said that it was okay if it were a respectable car wash.
    I am so glad that we don’t have to see Ashley next season since her family has to be bankrolling her lifestyle in L.A. Mostly, I think that they did it in order to get her as far away from them as possible.
    Maybe they’re not as stupid as we think.
    The Wakiles are a cool family, but I am still not buying Kathy and her big-eyed, innocent role. She’s older than Teresa which is probably where Teresa got it from.
    I am not buying the innocent role from Melissa either. To be honest, Teresa, Melissa, and Kathy are all at fault. They talk trash and their husbands talk trash about each other as well.
    The one thing that I don’t understand is why Jacq and Caroline latched on to Kathy and Melissa and dumped Teresa so quickly.
    I remember Alexis Bellino from RHOOC saying that we only see 5% of what actually goes on. I am curious to know what REALLY went on between Caroline, Jacq, and Teresa. And why Dina and Teresa were pictured together just a couple of days ago at an event.

  • Kayla

    You missed my absolute favorite part. It’s at minute 46 or so. Milania is attacking her baby sister on the ottoman and the kid isn’t having fun, but when Millania starts spanking her the kid just starts laughing.

  • RedHead

    “boob sling” BAHAHAHA! I am SO immature Amanda…I fell off my couch when I read what you wrote about ‘Tre’ & ‘Melissa’ so-called stylist. You are hysterically funny:-)

  • Mirna

    Maybe Ashley thought if she changed the spelling of her name then it will change who she is completely. That girl has too much time on her hands. They need to stop giving her money to get tattoos,name changes and weird things done to her face. She must go to her moms doc bc they both look effed up! Why does Chris care so much even her mom can’t stand the bitch. Time for a new cast!

  • ninjaninja

    I think cocktail dresses is a city thing. I didn’t go, but I remember seeing everybody dressed in cocktail dresses.

  • yeah

    Dina also missed the second season reunion because she was only like in 4 episodes because of danielle. Anyways, I know most people are team jacqueline but I liked what Teresa said in the preview to the reunion that she should’ve finished what she started with the whole Twitter war. I’m done with Caroline. who died and made her godfather? She’s as full of herself as Teresa. I say leave Melissa and Teresa and get other girls their age.

  • b21

    I’m still convinced there’s some “Georgia Rule” happening with Chris and Ashley. Something’s just not right.

  • Californiahousewife

    The cookbook also says a million and one things NICE about Caroline and also features a photo with the caption: another famous Italian Mom, Caroline Manzo. Personally, I think with the money thing, what people put up with before or thought was “funny” or “oh, that’s Teresa, how entertaining”, now that they have shame spiral money problems, everyone takes a swipe at her. She was completely kidding in her book. Caroline has a big drop off that high horse and Kathy, all “ernest big-eyes” what a joke. What a pot stirrer. Someone that has to remind everyone how nice she is all the time–not so nice. I’m pretty much done with both RHNJ and RHBH—too much. I also feel BRAVO is editing and cutting to create a story line.

  • mia

    Danielle is probably loving all of this! I’m embarrassed to even admit to watching this trainwreck,,these people are crazy

  • mollysmom

    I thought that the ending seemed totally tacked on for drama’s sake. I bet it was filmed a few months after the earlier episodes/sceens. Think about it, they started before Halloween, then there were Christmas episodes, then it was winter, and all of of a sudden it was late spring or early summer. The timeline does not jive.

    As for Jacqueline, her tweets indicate that she was not at the reunion episode.

  • Cookie

    I quit watching, it has all become so worthless to me. It’s no longer entertaining, it is a trainwreck. Remember when the RH of NY realized Kelley was crazy and backed off? Well the RH of NJ have no class and can’t do that. It is easier to keep pointing the finger at Teresa when they are all a bunch of pot stirrers. If you don’t like Teresa then leave her alone. Move on…bringing every stupid little thing up over and over again shows the lack of maturity of all these ladies.