I tend to think it’s bad new for a Housewives franchise when an episode that objectively should have been highly entertaining fails to get me excited. Last night’s shenanigans on Real Housewives of Orange County, from taxi-jumping to bed-peeing, didn’t do much to move the needle on my imaginary excitement meter. Perhaps it’s my personal fatigue at watching grown women act like children, or maybe Vicki in particular simply sucks all the air out of the room. I’m not sure, but although there’s plenty to discuss from last night’s crazy episode, I’m not feeling that good ol’ reality TV enthusiasm for any of it.

1. The show more or less opened with Tamra putting her crotch on some dude’s face. I wish I were exaggerating that, or, even better, making it up entirely, but I am not. I witnessed a mother of three (four?) squatting on a stranger’s face on top of a bar in Mexico. Continuing the tradition of climbing on things, Tamra then ran out into the street and jumped on the hood of a taxi, because apparently Tamra’s a soccer hooligan. Once they got home, Tamra and Vicki inspected each others’ feet in the driveway after they fell out of the limo-truck and then Vicki peed in Tamra’s bed. They ARE soccer hooligans.

2. Tamra woke up Heather in the middle of the night so that they could have the dramatic confrontation in the wee hours, drunk. For a moment, I thought perhaps Tamra wasn’t that drunk, because she had enough of her faculties about her to know that a middle of the night drunken conversation would be a bad idea and that they should be quiet coming into the room. Once they actually got inside, though, all of that sense went out the window and they burst into Heather’s room to wake her up. Because the most constructive dialogs always happen when one party is half asleep and the other is three sheets to the wind!

3. Vicki can’t even be opaque about her intentions anymore. I think we’re all pretty sick of Vicki by now, so I know I’m preaching to the choir, but seriously – what a nasty piece of work. In the limo, Vicki flipped out at Gretchen for being upset over getting left when they had all already admitted that they did a bad thing and were sorry. (Whether or not they had actually admitted that is up for debate.) In her interview, Vicki blamed Heather and Gretchen for the debacle because they had the temerity to go to the bathroom. Here’s the reality: Vicki saw her chance to commandeer the trip (and her friend) from Gretchen, and she took it, even though it was clearly a crappy, wrong thing to do. She admitted as much while drunk.

4. Vicki thinks Gretchen should look at her as a mentor. Do you know how painful it is when Diet Coke comes out of your nose? I experienced it last night when Vicki revealed that she sees herself as a woman worthy of emulation. I’m going to sue her for damages.

5. Tamra is definitely in some hardcore therapy. We’ve been talking about this all season, but her explanation of why she’s drawn to people like Vicki – because their relationships are entirely surface-level and unchallenging – made so much sense that it had to be something she and a professional had gone through at length. Vicki is so screwed up and lacks so much self-awareness that of course she never goes deep with Tamra about her past or her demons. Vicki can’t even look sideways at her own demons, and Tamra’s burgeoning self-awareness needs more than that. Not that Gretchen is any great thinker, of course, but she’s at least capable of incrementally more emotional transparency than Vicki is.

6. “Who wouldn’t want to have a blinged-out whip?” A fair question, Heather. A fair question.

7. You can’t show an anatomically correct dildo on cable television. The more you know.

8. The Puerto Vallarta strippers didn’t really strip. What they did do, though, is wear silly little bullfighting costumes and when take their dongs out and quasi-consensually rub Tamra’s head on them. Putting this out there now: If I ever trick some dude into marrying me, anyone who invites a stripper to my bachelorette party to molest me is getting stabbed with a fork. There is nothing less sexy than a male stripper.

9. Unless the male stripper is Channing Tatum. The exception who proves the rule.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • ReneeO

    Sorry to hear about the Diet Coke but I am still laughing over that remark. But hey, if I had been drinking Diet Coke I’m sure I would’ve had the same experience. Love your recap!!

  • winterpenny

    Not a fan of anyone on RHOC, but the two worst women are a toss-up between Vicki and Gretchen, which is why I thought last night’s episode was funny. I thought it was hilarious that they ran off. I just felt a little bad that Heather got caught in the cross fire. She must have realized that, because she was actually pretty cool about it. She showed the right amount of hurt, but then was ready to move on. The only thing that could save RHOC is Channing Tatum stripping!

  • Neen

    It seems pretty obvious that you hate Vicki. I by no means am a huge fan of her or anything but Tamra and Gretchen are pretty awful as well and it doesn’t seem fair to lay all the blame on Vicki. They all contribute classless behavior.

    • jane

      Tamra and Gretchen seem to have some sense of remorse or shame or like they’re in on it while Vicki does not. That’s my take anyway

  • FashionableLena

    I still don’t understand why pretentious Heather would want to go to any foreign country with any of those ladies. Lydia…maybe. I can even see her with Alexis. Those two would have appreciated the trip more and behaved themselves. Heather doesn’t like Alexis because she thinks that she’s dumb. However, out of all of the ladies, Lydia and Alexis have better manners than Vicki, Gretchen, and Tamra-dumb or not.
    Gretchen is horrific, and this is coming from someone who liked her. She has been horrible to almost everyone. I find it a bit unbelievable that she would be best friends with Tamra who was just as bad (probably worse) than Vicki.
    These women are just making Alexis look better and better. She had the sense to stay home and away from that trip.

    • jane

      Alexis and Lydia are a good combo — Lydia brings Alexis back to normal a little bit.

    • Guest

      Heather went along on the trip because that’s her JOB. I think she’s using her Real Housewives gig to restart her once promising acting career. In any case, I hope that’s her excuse because I quite like her. Moral of the story: if you like your day job, don’t quit it just because you got married and had kids. Lord only knows what you’ll have to do in order to get back into the game.

      RHOC is a hell of a way to lean in.

      • FashionableLena

        If I’m not mistaken, Heather stopped working because she thought that raising her kids was more important than a Hollywood career. Even though I don’t like her, I can’t fault her for doing that. I decided not to get a Masters degree because I would rather cheer on my kids at their various activities with my husband than sit in a classroom.
        I got my bachelors with two women who were 47 and 52 at the time. It’s never too late to get back in the game. Personally, I never heard of Heather until RHOC, but if NeNe can do it with zero experience, Heather should be able to as well. Like you said, the RH is definitely a way to lean in, but some of the Housewives have definitely used it to their advantage-Bethenny, Teresa, NeNe, Kim (married well), Ramona…

  • Lyis

    I’m sorry but its clear you don’t like vicki was I the only one who realized that instead of going after Tamara (who by the way was her bff) Gretchen, went after vicki in the limo coming back from the bull fight. I’m sorry but of course your enemy on the show is gonna ditch you but your friend should have said NO will wait so instead of going off on Tamra who she knows will ruin her life all over again, she goes off on Vicki of all people who was sitting there quietly. Lydia and Tamara were talking about it. I also feel like Gretchen is someone that cries and pokes the bear and then is like WHO ME!? I don’t even like reading your reviews anymore because one of the ladies could stab someone and you would still talk about how Vicki likes purple potatoes. Snooring

  • Carolyn

    I think your recap is spot on. While Tamra and Gretchen are not saints, Vicki is just the worst. She’s so unaware and completely oblivious to what a hypocrite she is. She bagged on Gretchen for years regarding cheating and Slade being a dead beat dad and hello…Brooks?
    And in regards to Vicki’s peeing…No Vicki, we all haven’t peed at one time. :/