Considering how many of the pre-season preview fight clips came from the fight that we witnes last week and last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, my hopes are not high for this season’s entertainment value. Even after a full week of contemplation and the additional scenes from last night, I still don’t understand exactly why the fight happened or why I should care.

In fact, the most interesting part of last night’s episode was Vicky’s son-in-law making an aside about her skeevy maybe-boyfriend Brooks, who is easily the most compelling character we’ve had on Real Housewives of Orange County in years. He hasn’t even made a cameo on this season yet, but he will eventually, and that’s when this season will really be worth watching.

1. Despite looking it up, Alexis still doesn’t have a firm grasp on the definition of “bullying.” Poor Alexis. Even when she’s in the right, she’s wrong. Was she being bullied in Costa Rica? No, we’ve established that. Was she being bullied at dinner? Probably not, and throwing the word around just makes her sound like a jackass for trying to co-opt the pain of persecuted 12-year-olds for her own PR benefit. All of that makes it hard to remember that Alexis had been more or less perfectly polite since arriving at the party as an invited guest, at which point Tamra blew up at her and Heather and Gretchen joined in. Also, Alexis pronounces it “BOO-leed,” which is at least as annoying as “champs.”

2. Once Alexis had been run off, Heather tried to explain to Tamra why her behavior was wrong. Wait, wasn’t Heather also badgering Alexis until she was forced to leave? Didn’t she take part in that mean girl mob? Am I taking crazy pills?

3. Alexis is on Xanax. Also, she offered to go home and slit her wrists to prove to Lydia that she’s being bullied, which is maybe one of the most dramatic and ridiculous things I’ve ever heard anyone utter on Real Housewives. Also, Tamra had a point – if being on the show and around the rest of the cast means that Alexis has to be on medication, maybe she should reevaluate being on the show. After all, it’s her job to fight with the cast members. Her entire job. Maybe she’s not cut out for it.

4. Vicky would like you to know that Gretchen is stupid. She said it about 40 times, as though continuing to say it would somehow manifest it as reality. Gretchen might be annoying and screechy and craven, but she’s not stupid. Vicky’s criticisms would sound a lot more reasonable (and Vicky would sound a lot more articulate) if she actually called it what it is.

5. Eddie maybe just proposed to Tamra to shut her up about getting engaged. Eddie is not interested in helping plan the wedding, or being involved in it at all. Also, he would rather put it off until he has “time” so he doesn’t have to “stress out” over it. I’m only 27, but as I understand it, that’s dude code for, “I put the ring on it, the one with the diamond, so is the other one with the legal significance really THAT important? Please say it’s not, even if it’s just because you’re afraid you’ll look like a bridezilla if you tell the truth.”

6. Vicky’s mom has the same spontaneous rage issues that Vicky has. She got arrested for telling a cop she had a gun. Seriously.

7. Lydia is still new enough to be a good person. Forgive people! Don’t keep score! Don’t show up places where you know you’re not wanted, even if invited! Turn the other cheek! Remember what the Bible says! Housewives are so cute when they’re new.

8. Brooks scoped out prostitutes in Mexico. He tried to conscript Brianna’s husband into scoping them out as well, as though because they’re both dudes, they “get” it and it’s cool. (“It” being “cheating on their significant others with questionably sanitary prostitutes while on vacation,” of course.) Brianna’s husband seemed suitably horrified.

9. Vicky’s son won’t tell her exactly where he lives. If anything’s indicative that you have boundary issues, it’s when your grown kids won’t give you your address because you can’t be trusted with it. Helpfully, Bravo reminded us of what happened last time Vicky knew how to find her son’s apartment, even though it was out of state.

10. Should Ryan and Brianna get final approval over who Vicky has over to the house? On the one hand, Vicky wants them there and they pay to live there, and if someone makes them truly uncomfortable, I can understand not wanting that person around their newborn. On the other hand, I don’t think they have any proof that Brooks is dangerous; he’s just a gross person who’s probably trying to live off Vicky’s money, and, well, she’s a grown woman and can make that decision if she wants to. You can’t save a reality TV star from herself, in my experience.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • I love your recaps, Amanda! I do however think that Alexis was bullied by Tamra and Gretchen. I hate the way they are so mean to Alexis, especially Gretchen, who actually had a friendship with her at one point. I’m not sure what I think about Lydia. Something tells me she will pull a Peggy and try to kiss up to Tamra. We will have to see.

  • You’re a wonderful and clever writer. I admire your humor and skill in rendering the programs. I didn’t watch but I loved the recap. Thanks for the guffaws!

  • Guest

    Re: #5. It’s been my experience, both as a former wedding photographer AND as a bride, that most men are NOT interested in the wedding plans. They don’t give a crap about the flowers, the cake, or endless meetings with your mother or the wedding planner. What they DO want:

    Don’t go over budget.
    Don’t embarrass them in front of their friends.
    Have decent music and an open bar.
    Don’t ask endless questions about the bachelor party.

    Tell them where they have to be, when they have to be there, and then leave them alone.

    Just sayin’.

  • Yerani_km

    I think I can simplify it all: Tamra’s an insecure bitch who picks on those more insecure than her. Gretchen is a hanger on wannabe who just wants to be popular even if the people she thinks are the popular girls really aren’t (i.e. Tamra) Heather is actually the ringleader, cause she can stir the pot and stand back to admonish the rest of the group as to why what they did was wrong and so beneath her. Alexis is in desperate need of counseling and Jesus therapy. Vicki is a shrill conniving bitch who attracts what she deserves; a grubby creepy money hungry man-whore. And Lydia, well it’s her first day at the new school (still) so only time will tell, will she jump on the many band wagons or overthrow the popular chick?

  • NCGal

    Vicki is a throw-down drunk who’s in the ugly throes of her disease. Tamara is a rager, a scrappy survivor who needs intensive psychological help. Tamara is shrewd enough to play the systems and cultural zeitgeists (Bravo, rich OC, health club,cougar image, etc.), but I fear she will combust if she doesn’t get a hold of her psychology. Heather is about as empty as a barrel, so transparent, sad, vacant, mean, and terrified. Gretchen and her funky too-thick veneers-lisp is really a bit like watching Anna Nicole Smith: an parody, an exaggerated carnival version of a person and a life. Alexis is what happens when Tamara and Gretchen and Anna Nicole Smith have a baby. HATE that she thinks she is worth so little to sell out for a Jim Belino and that all that shallow SoCal bull****. Lydia is a big yawn, almost feel guilty that she’s on this show as she clearly doesn’t fit in.

  • Jeloi

    Tamara is a mean girl and always will be, she hasn’t changed and never will. Alexis need to leave the show, she doesn’t have a part anymore. Vicky has a right to date whoever she wants, whenever she wants, she is not a child even if is it Brooks, it is her right to date a loser. Gretchen and Heather, I have no words. The new lady is a breathe of fresh air for the show, so far, time will truly tell.

  • Sgctx

    Alexis was totally bullied. They used their words to gang up on her and then said it was constructive criticism. They are ridiculous and sad.