This episode of Real Housewives of New York opened with Ramona putting ice cubes in her white wine. Ice cubes. In her. White. Wine. Funny, because I thought that only Kim Zolciak was allowed to do that, but I suppose outré drinking habits have spread among the Housewives franchises like a particularly virulent case of herpes.

Unsurpisingly, though, that small gesture set the tone for the rest of the episode. There was yelling and cursing, everyone was acting like they were in high school, and Bethenny claimed that LuAnn has grown a penis. The Countess would have said that it was all very déclassé, if she actually had any idea what that meant, in both the literal and figurative senses.

All of these broads are still out in the Hamptons, lazing about at their summer houses and visiting with the help because they don’t have any real friends left. Even their children are risking life and limb to escape at this point.

Actually, that’s just LuAnn, because the rest of the women have apparently forgotten that they have children. She’s feeling all hangdog and puny over her divorce, and Ramona just doesn’t know when to shut her mouth about anything, ever, and she’s making it worse, although that’s sort of why she’s on this show (that and the horrendous white-person dancing). Remember the last episode, when things got weird between her and LuAnn over some douchey comment her husband made about LuAnn being “count-less” instead of “countess?” Frankly, I thought it was a little more clever than he was reasonably capable of being, but the humor was somewhat lost on LuAnn. She was humorless to begin with, but now that she’s getting divorced, she has somehow become even worse.

That whole kerfuffle just wouldn’t go away, with Ramona complaining to Bethenny and later Alex and Simon, and LuAnn kvetching to Jill. The difference between the two groups was that while Alex and Simon encouraged Mario to call and apologize (Bethenny, alternately, just helped Ramona dance it out), Jill decided to call Ramona on speakerphone with LuAnne in the room and encourage her to talk smack without knowing that anyone else was listening. Because Ramona lacks common sense and the ability to control what comes out of her mouth, she quickly obliged and accused LuAnne of various terrible things.

Suddenly, it was sort of clear why Bethenny thinks that Jill needs to get a hobby. When you’re a grown woman and you’re taking your social tactics straight out of a Lindsay Lohan movie (albeit the greatest Lindsay Lohan movie of all time, Mean Girls), you probably need to step back and reevaluate every life decision thus far that has lead you to that point. Never one for introspection, however, Jill decides she’s going to pull out of Ramona’s Labor Day party and help LuAnne throw a rival party at her house. They also enlisted the help of Kelly, whose absence at the other party didn’t seem to bother anyone in the slightest.

Let’s be honest here: Ramona wins the Battle of the Parties because she has a better house. Also, because her food looked way better. Neither party looked exactly hoppin’, but it doesn’t take a whole lot to beat out listening to Kelly talk about how she’s going to shoot a cover and pictorial for Playboy, and she’s going to get the big interview and everything! That last detail is particularly hilarious – her issue already came out, and she was completely overshadowed by the enormous, totally insane interview that John Mayer gave in it. Sorry, Kelly – your wonky boobs aren’t that interesting. In fact, hers wasn’t even the most interesting nudey-mag in that conversation – did you know that Countess LuAnne was on the cover of Playgirl?

Over at Ramona’s house, the food and surroundings may have been better, but the conversation was just as uninteresting. Everyone wanted to complain that Bethenny hurt Jill’s feelings, but after the stunt that Jill pulled on Ramona, I think that plot line feels a little stale. Excuse the cliché, but with a friend like Jill, who needs enemies? Suddenly, that promo clip that we keep seeing where Alex tells Jill that she’s in high school seems a lot more reasonable.

Obviously Alex doesn’t hate her yet, however, because toward the end of Ramona’s party, Alex tried to bow out gracefully, saying that she had promised Jill and LuAnne that she and Simon would make an appearance at their party. Ramona flew off the handle, obviously, because Ramona has no emotions between totally mellow and totally psychotic. She wants all of the housewives to choose sides, and if Silex goes over there, even for a few minutes, it means that she’s no longer beating Jill.

But one thing that this episode made clear is that Bethenny is the real winner. While everyone was bickering and infighting and trying to recapture their youth by recreating the worst behaviors of their teenage years, Bethenny was being asked to move in by her boyfriend and mostly not opening her mouth about anyone. She even behaved herself when the random woman at Ramona’s party told her how much she hurt Jill’s feelings.

Well, she didn’t entirely behave herself. She may or may not have called that woman a cater waiter behind her back. But for Bethenny, that’s sort of the same thing as behaving herself. You know, relatively speaking.

It’s that time again. Make like Andy Cohen and fix yourselves a Maker’s Mark & ginger ale because it’s FRIDAY! Until next week, ladies.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Sher77

    It was so interesting that Luanne had to show her Playgirl Cover after Kelly’s announcement. Oh, wow, I’m so impressed she was on the cover of Playgirl with a cowboy! Luanne is really sad, I think. I guess she had called her former maid over and over, to talk. I wish she was more likable and I would care. I think it’s Ramona or Bethany keeps saying things like Luanne and her husband had an open marriage , before the divorce.What’s up with that????

  • Chrissy

    Amanda, love these recaps and I feel like we have similar tastes in purses! I have a theory about the whole “Bethanny talks about people benhind their backs” issue the other Housewives seem to have with her. While maybe sometimes she takes it too far (I don’t think so, but then I find her hilarious), I think they are forgetting that they are on a reality show and each week must sit down with a producer to TALK ABOUT THE OTHER WIVES BEHIND THEIR BACKS. I mean, she is pointedly being asked questions about the situation, so what is she suppsoed to say? And as you say above the other wives have such poor senses of humor and they take themselves so seriously that I don’t think that they can see it for what it is. Bethanny doesn’t get hurt because I think she can see the humor in it.

  • Chris

    These grown-up women behave indeed like high school girls.
    “Countless” was somehow funny, I have to admit that, but I understand that Luann is hurt. a divorce is a difficult process (I assume, I do not know from my own experience) and of course she is vulnerable and probably feels insecure. She had to move out of the NY house and therefore loosen the relationship with her social circle, it cannot be easy (please note that I am not sorry for her, because I am never sorry for someone who is healthy, wealthy, still attractive and has 2 beautiful children). But anyway, lets give her a rest. At least for a while.
    Both “parties” looked boring. Nobody was having fun.

  • JenG

    LOL at Ramona and her white people dancing comment. Ramona thinks she can dance that is so funny! I feel bad for LuAnn she had to deal with her divorce and her cheating husband while the public watch. She is hurting and need friends to help her through. Alex and Simon should have went to LuAnn’s party because Ramona only asked because she wanted to win, she didn’t want them there. Kelly needs psychiatric help!

  • aka55

    Amazing how tolerable narcissism can be when tossed together with a big dose of insanity! When said by a woman crazier than a bag of squirrels, a vainglorious comment can go from ugly to entertaining faster than Housewives change loyalties.

    Unfortunately, Kelly always kills the funny buzz of every show by saying something stupid that takes one from howling to head-scratching just as quickly. Riddle me this…how can she be in the 40th anniversary issue of Playboy if that was published in December, 1993? In fact, I remember the 50th quite clearly; I bought it for my boyfriend…several years ago! To ascertain if I heard her correctly, I replayed the scene & discovered it wasn’t a slip; she said “40th anniversary issue” not once, but twice. She really needs to lay off the crack pipe.

    Oh, yeah, Kelly, one more thing: shut up about being a “mother of two” when trying to convince others that you refrain from crossing the line between tasteful & trashy. I thought it amusing that you were making the same “I’m a mother of 2 so I’m gonna be tasteful” comment as you entered your Halloween party in the bunny costume last year, wedged between a guy dressed like Ron Jeremy & another barely dressed at all! If only more clothing would render you decent…

    And LuAnn: shut up about the divorce already. A classy chick would put on her big girl panties and suck it up; at least in public! Your humorless countenance was barely tolerable before, but now you’re just a bummer, skulking around every function like a black cloud of bad vibes. Enough!

    One more thing: Jill, you need to check the mirror before the cameras roll. The raccoon eyes are not a good look for you!

    • Chris

      I think you are a bit harsh to someone who goes through a divorce. After all, they were married for 16 years and had 2 kids. It is okay to show some vulnerability sometimes. And to feel low. Don’t you think? I mean, give her some peace for a few episodes….
      JMHO of course.

  • sevilla

    Amanda – love the update! I had to miss the episode but your recap is just as interesting – even better (?) – than the real thing. Keep it up! …when is Andy Cohen going to invite YOU on his show to comment?

  • Bagolicious

    As for LuAnn: She had her ex-housekeeper over and talking about how they’ve become best friends, treating the ex-housekeeper like family, begging her to come back because she has now had to get another, “GIRL”. Is this the Real Housewives of Gone With The Wind?” Pathetic.

  • kemilia

    I missed the ice cubes in the wine, darn. But I couldn’t miss Bethenny constantly pulling up her strapless outfits to cover her boobs more (or maybe the camera guy was just having fun).

    Yes, calling the new help “girl”–wow, that’s bad. But I love the show, I TiVo it Thursday to watch on Friday with pizza & wine. I hope they get to Simon soon; loved those pants from last season’s finale.

  • Tiffany

    I watced the RHONYC and they are so much drama! I don’t see why all of a sudden Bethenny left Jill in the dirt! i thought they were BFF’s? Also I can not stand Kelly! She tans way too much! I am happy for Bethenny though her personality is the most outgoing and she speaks her mind!

  • Handbag Lover

    This is a good blog Amanda. I can’t understand where all this foolishness with Bethany, Jill and the other housewives is coming from? The argument is silly and if they are true BFF’s then they need to talk about it and move on. This season is getting on my nerves a bit already and I was pumped about it coming on. Whatever, I am done!

  • pjma

    I admit to being rather obsessed with this group of idiots. Not one of them would ever be considered “friend” material. What kills me is their constant air kissing when they run into each other while at the same time they are busy reaching for the knife to drive into the back of the other as soon as they part company.

    Listening to Ramona reminding us of how beautiful, talented, smart, and rich she is, and throwing in for good measure “a good person”, reminds me of how I need to write a check to my local mental health clinic. Seriously delusional by far.

    These “ladies” can barely stand to be in the same room with one another but I will admit that their collective spite does make for some pretty funny moments.

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