If you thought that perhaps this season of Real Housewives of New Jersey would be somehow classier or more civilized after all of our favorite broads got a chance to watch themselves on TV and gain a modicum of self-awareness, well, obviously you didn’t watch the previews. And if you did and somehow still managed to think that this season would have some sort of redeeming social value, then you were probably disappointed by last night’s second season premiere.

But if you’re like the rest of us and were rooting for more trashy backbiting, table-flipping and prostitution-whoring, then it looks like this season is going to be exactly what the doctor ordered. And by “doctor,” I mean Andy Cohen, in a fit of infinitely trashy, endlessly entertaining genius. Forget Real Housewives of New York – the bridge and tunnel crowd are here to steal their thunder.

First and foremost, we have to discuss the State of La Famiglia. Jacqueline has had the baby that looked like it was ready to fall out of her at least season’s reunion, and little Nicholas has brought the family closer together. More importantly for purposes of this show, Jacqueline’s husband doesn’t want Danielle coming around anymore and Caroline likes her again now that there’s a baby in the picture, and we all know how important it is to stay in Caroline’s good graces. She even invited her to her fancy backyard party, which we’ll discuss later.

Speaking of Caroline, she spent all of her camera time talking about her family, which was kind of cute because I still like Caroline and you can’t stop me! Her husband had lap-band surgery after a health scare and is looking svelte – so svelte, in fact, that they went to Barneys to buy him a new suit of clothes, to the tune of $9,000. In all of the hours of Real Housewives that I’ve watched in my life (and really, I’ve watched too many hours of this show to even contemplate), it’s rare that one of the women ever does anything nice for anyone but herself, and I was sure that Caroline was going to be the one trying things on when she mentioned going to Barneys. See? This is why I still like Caroline.

In stark contrast to those familial warm fuzzies, Dina apparently has no family and does nothing but putter around her darkened kitchen and make baby talk to her funny-looking cats. Her husband refused to participate last season and now her daughter is mysteriously absent, and Dina’s intro segment at the beginning of the show made her look like one of those sad cat ladies.

No mention was made of Dina’s conspicuously missing family, so let’s do what bloggers (and commenters!) do best and recklessly speculate: Teresa chimed in during the Dina-as-cat-lady footage to say that Dina had received menacing letters and phone calls, in addition to some vandalism on her property, so it seems like Bravo wants us to assume that the kid was yanked from the show as a result. I’m not sure about anyone else, but Teresa’s description of the incidents gives me a vision of Danielle standing out in Dina’s yard in the middle of the night, throwing toilet paper on her bushes and knocking over her mailbox while doing the Ramona Singer Crazy Eyesâ„¢. But perhaps that’s just me.

While we’re on the subject of Danielle, she has found God and is consulting with a priest over her issues with the Manzo family. Her interactions with said priest didn’t appear to be all that genuine, but I’m unsure at this point if Danielle is capable of having genuine interactions, so it’s hard to make heads or tails of that. During the episode, she vacillated wildly between saying she wanted to pray for the Manzos, vaguely threatening them, declaring that she didn’t care about them, and then attempting to stalk them with her daughters in the car. However, she’s looking slightly less like a plastic surgery cautionary tale this season, so hey, religion might be working out for her. Aesthetically, at least.

And then there’s Teresa, who I think is easily the star of this show, if only because she seems blissfully unaware that her life and nearly everything she says are completely and utterly ridiculous in almost every sense of the word. For example, did you know that Teresa and her daughters make red sauce from scratch in their driveway before school starts so that they’ll have enough for the whole year? Or that women that are on their periods are not allowed to make red sauce because it’ll spoil the tomatoes? Or that Teresa speaks Italian, but still doesn’t pronounce her last name correctly? We learned all of this stuff in one episode, and this is merely the beginning of the season. I wonder if Countess LuAnn is embarrassed that one of the Jersey girls speaks Italian better than she does? She’s probably ranting about it in French right now.

Anyway, because this is Real Housewives, there has to be a party wherein everyone gets together and gossips, and Caroline was our host for the latter half of the episode. She threw a thousand-dollar-per-plate benefit for the local sheriff and invited everyone but Danielle, who somehow managed to be surprised and offended that Caroline didn’t ask her to come to the party. Since she readily admits that she has not spoken to Caroline since last season’s tumultuous, tear-filled reunion in which she called Danielle “garbage,” I’m not sure why Danielle thought she was going to get to go to Caroline’s fiesta.

In a small, petty act of revenge (she is so great at those), Danielle went to get a pedicure at the salon where Dina used to do nails, apparently for the express purpose of making sure we knew that Dina used to work there. Then she proceeded to tell us that she and Dina are on good terms and send each other friendly text messages from time to time, and I’m beginning to think that maybe Danielle has brain damage. Caroline was throwing the party, not Dina, and if she’s friendly with Dina, why attempt to embarrass her?

When we got to see what was going on at the party, Danielle looked even more like a schmuck – Dina was, in fact, the only person that appeared to not actively enjoy sitting around and talking smack about Danielle. Even some lady named Kim, who earlier in the show claimed to be Danielle’s friend, was getting in on the fun and talking about what a terrible skank Danielle is.

It’s important to note, however, that this Kim person is clearly a moron because she thinks that “Posche” is a reasonable spelling approximation for “posh,” and also because she forgot to bleach the back of her head the last time that she dyed her hair. Even if she wasn’t a moron, which she is, her insults were totally upstaged by Teresa’s. She claimed that Danielle has slept with 500 or so men, likened her vagina to the Lincoln Tunnel and claimed that she puts the “‘cont’ in ‘contradiction,'” and Bravo didn’t even bleep it out. You’re going to have to use your imagination on that last one, folks – spelling is not Teresa’s strong suit, but talking about Danielle’s chacha clearly is.

When all of this was going on, where was Danielle? Attempting to drive by the party and figure out what was going on while simultaneously assuring her daughters (who were in the back seat) that she didn’t actually care about these women or that they didn’t invite her to their stupid party, of course. Danielle’s daughters are infinitely smarter and less insane than she is (even the little one, who looks like she’s approximately nine years old), so they finally talked her in to going back home instead of making an utter fool of herself at the party. I was disappointed for a moment, but then I realized that it was just gratification delayed – Danielle has enough crazy to satisfy us for the rest of the season, surely.

Speaking of which, there was almost too much crazy in this episode to fit in one recap. What of Jacqueline’s daughter, who has a 23-year-old boyfriend and was forced to have a very awkward birth control talk on television? Her stepdad was literally sharpening a knife in the background while her mom poked and prodded them about contraception, and it was so awful that even I felt the sting of vicarious humiliation. Bringing your boyfriend around your parents is hard when you’re 19, and it must be even harder when your parents are Bravolebrities that want to film the whole thing and show it on TV. Both Ashley and her boyfriend looked as if they wanted to start digging a hole right there in the kitchen floor by which to escape.

Or what about Teresa’s daughter, who doesn’t want to marry a Jewish guy because she doesn’t like the long curls that Hasidic men wear, which was adorably ignorant in the way that only a small child that has lived a sheltered, suburban life can be (and Teresa seemed appropriately mortified)? Or Caroline’s kids, who got put on poop duty in the back yard while one of them was wearing a suit? Or the fact that Danielle has a tab for clothing like most people have a tab for booze? Last night’s episode was so resplendent with ridiculous behavior and things that no one should say on television that it nearly brought a tear of joy to this blogger’s eye. And may I remind you that this is only the beginning?

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Hanna

    YOU hit the nail on the head with this one…I shut it off at 10:40 they were annoying me as I frequently do with the other housewives series.

  • Matthew

    This is the third consecutive episode of Real Housewives (2 for NYC, one for NJ) where dog poo was somewhat of a major factor. Is Bravo trying to tell us something here?

    Also, is anyone else worried that Kim is going to become a new Housewife of NJ? Ick.

    • That crossed my mind as well…and Jesus, I hope not, she’s terrible.

      • Crazyfashionaddict

        No Amanda ! Her boat lips are terrible

  • Sarah

    Hahahhaa, this is great, Bravo should hire you to write their recaps!

  • Pamela

    Danielle is straight up CRAZY!! OMG – I felt bad for her daughters… they looked like they were forced and stuck to be on TV with a mom that they know needs some serious medication and mental help! I seriously hope a lot of stuff comes back to her and kicks her in the butt….and it’d be great entertainment to watch as well.

    I’m sure Kim wants to be the new housewife so she figures doing what she has been doing could help her…but as we have seen in the past, friends of other housewives never make it as a housewife. I just like that shes being two faced to danielle because not only does she deserve it, it makes for great gossip and drama this season.

    I’m starting to feel bad for Dina…. I don’t think she deserves all that. I feel like she’s doing things she never wanted to do…just to keep away the pain Danielle caused her. I think they yanked her kid from the show because from the reunion of last season, Caroline mentioned danielle kept in touch with Dina’s ex and caused custody problems. That’s just cruel.

    Now two days a week, I get to read your awesome recaps..love it amanda!!

    • Relli

      yeah i just read a post on another site that went into great detail about what happened. Danielle is just a cruel narcissistic person. I feel for her kids.

  • amy

    I read the blogs on bravotv.com ( check those out!, all the women review the show after filming and blog about it, one of the reasons i watch the show). Danielle was bashing everyone and just saying ” just sayin” and “im over you, aka the Mazo’s. She has some serious bottled up anger. Dina’s comments were wonderful. She owned up to working at the salon, and it was once owned by her ex husband. She has no shame in it. Dina is wonderful to watch this season.

  • pam

    Personally I’m getting tired of these housewives shows mainly because they are getting too over the top. Seems each show locale, 4 now right? has the nasties and 1 nice person, cept for NY which is Alex and Bethenny as nice ones. The table tipping was dopey on NJ show. Orange County girls were somewhat interesting first year, that show is still the most real IMO. The rest are just showcasing weird behavior and most of it is scripted. I suppose I’d do it for money too but I’d be the nice one!

  • arlene

    I don’t care for the NJ housewives. Will wait this one out on TV but read purseblog recaps cause I find them very entertaining!!

    • JenG

      I agree Arlene, I prefer to read the recaps! For some reason I have never liked the NJ group.

  • qudz104

    i love this show, mainly and probably only because im a jersey girl myself lol

  • mochababe73

    I love the NJ housewives. They are my favorites. Who doesn’t love the dysfuntion that is Danielle Staub.
    Her blog on bravo was the most vile and evil thing I have read in a long time. She is not over it and has a hard time with the concept of Letting It Go. Her 11 and 15 year old daughters have waaaaay too much sense to be her offspring.
    As far as Dina goes, Danielle did cause trouble which is why Lexi is not on the show. That’s why she was called “garbage”.
    I really think that Jacqueline is either clueless or sniffed too many chemicals when she was a hair dresser. Her husband means well, but I can’t believe that she discussed her daughter’s birth control in front of national television. Embarassing.
    Caroline is a gem. I love her, and she reminds me of myself. You may not like what I say, but I will keep it real with you.
    Love, love, love Teresa. She’s stylish and funny. Her blogs on the RHONY are hilarious. Her daughters are the cutest.
    I was hoping that you would do the recaps. I love ’em.

    • Joanna

      Completely agree! I love the NJ ladies because they seem the most real and down to earth- which says a lot about the other women of the other shows!

      Caroline is awesome- I think she would ignore Danielle and never have anything to do with her if it weren’t for the show. Why did they bring Danielle back? I could watch this show and their interactions with each other and their families without Danielle- who seriously needs some kind of medication. Why haven’t there been custody battles- talk about someone who seems to actually put her children in mental.physical danger.

  • hannah

    omgggg BEST RECAP EVER!!! i agree 110% with everything you said!
    and this season is going to be awesome!!! teresa is easily my favorite, i laughed at her antics the whole hour.

  • PhotoGirl

    I won’t be watching the NJ show, but I’ll be here for your recaps every week. You’re brilliant!

  • Karen in CT

    Not sure but is anyone else seeing that Danielle looks seriously like an old movie Puppet from The Dark Crystal. She looks like a Gelfling. Seriously look under Gelfling images on google and you will see what I mean. Danielle Girl, STOP with the Pastic Surgery the DAMN Puppet looks more lifelike than you!

    • chachacha

      EXACTLY!!! if Gelflings had a serious narcissistic personality disorder. Danielle is disgusting.

  • bygones

    Reality shows are absolutely the pits. Yanking total strangers, with no discernible talents, onto the public stage as a form of entertainment is revolting. These morons begin to believe that they have become “stars” (think Jill Zarin) and start to believe their own publicity.

    What would the Housewives of NJ be without Crazy Danielle? Boring beyond belief. Who cares about seeing women spending their days shopping or cooking? Who cares that Theresa’s kids are out of control brats? Who is really interested in the sex lives? How low can their cleavage go with their “bubbie” troubles and weekly pedicures? This show is so bad that eliminating Danielle completely (as should happen) would not create the buzz that Bravo depends upon for ratings.

    As has been noted on the Housewives of NYC, Bravo does nothing but create freaks after awhile (Jill and Lu Ann to name two) and without a proper protagonist the shows would fade from view.

    Nothing on these shows are real life. They are scripted for effect. How best to describe otherwise following Crazy Danielle in a back up car as she speeds through a darkened neighborhood looking to count cars. Unreal.

    • JenG

      Well said!

    • I agree that this show is nothing without Danielle. I actually sort of like all of the other housewives, in a weird way, and these shows are successful because of the contempt that we feel for the people on them. If Danielle wasn’t around, the show would be sort of goofy and dim-witted, but not at all exciting.

  • Jane

    I missed the how, but I loved the recap. I despise Danielle I wish they would get ride of her. (fb)

  • Idealist

    OMG Amanda you totally went in for the kill on this recap! Kinda harsh but none the less hilarious! Bravolebrities? lol & that Danielle is a total nutcase! She’s so obssesed with that family esp Dina! & I did like the fact that Dina didn’t chime in on the “lets talk bad about Danielle” party! I’ve always liked her & Caroline! & Teresa! & jackie…come 2 think of it Danielle is the only 1 who kind of gives me the creeps. Until next week…

  • Handbag Lover

    Well done and well said! Dina is whatever not even worth mentioning and Danielle is crazy. I mean she need help! Theresa is my favorite on the show but her MOUTH was horrible. Looks like it is going to be a good season. We will see. :)

  • Sher77

    Does anyone know if Danielle has a job? I know she must get child support. I was surprised Jill Zarin didn’t pop up somewhere in this story line to promote her book—–just saying, she’s desperate to sell the book! Good job, Amanda.

  • LDJ

    I watched the show and your recap hit it on the nail. I am so glad to see the NJHW back, the are my 2nd best from the ATL cast. It was so awkward for me to hear that Dina and Danielle send friendly text messages from time to time. How the hell did that happen? I know Dina stated that the issue from last season is in the past (which I find hard to believe cause everyone, except her, is still speaking on it, which I applaud Dina for). But, that vandalisam must’ve scared her straight and just made her think how crazy Danielle is and just made her go, “Forget it! I’ma just make up with this chick before things get any crazier?” (I’m just saying). Jacqueline hubbby is hilarious, he was killing me with the knives and the boy friend was looking like a deer caught in the headlights..lol. Caroline, its just something about her, i still can’t put my finger on it…she has too grown on me. Danielle, just be like Dina and let the past be the past. You going out your way to try to crash their party but you don’t care about the Manzo and so over the issue? I can’t tell. Theresa??? Lord, that lady cannot control her kids. Her babygirl, had me rolling when she went into the pantry and was stuffing the bad with junk food?! CLASSIC! Can’t wait for the next episode and will be checking back for your next recap!!!!!

  • amy

    LOL, oh my god Danielle does like one of the Gelfling. I totally see it.

  • Jocelyn

    I’m don’t watch RHONJ but I want to win a Linea Pelle :D (fb)

  • otter

    Terresa is an idiot.

  • cheryl

    i love all the housewives (at least all of them except california). its amazing how a lot of us thrive on drama, and wouldn’t watch it if there wasn’t any drama. my thoughts on danielle are, she wants to force people to like her and include her on things. if it were me, i would take the hint that they don’t want me around. why would you want to go where your not wanted. she is too juvenile. she has to go get her buddies to escort her because she wants to seem intimidating. if her heart was really in the right place, when raising money for the sick baby, she would’ve went and did her thing. instead she wants to take the focus off this baby, and make it into some retaliation against the other ladies. danielle should stop trying to force friendships, and just let them happen. this isn’t elementary…………..well i’m going to tell if you don’t be my friend. this is the real world. maybe if your actions show you’ve changed, then maybe they’ll come around. if they don’t, then accept it and go on.

  • Manuela

    Maybe Danielle is the lifeblood of this program, but she’s also very ill and very dangerous. The other RH series have women creating drama with just the normal amount of personality defects. I’m really waiting for NJ to have an assault or negligent manslaughter (wouldn’t be a murder, oh heavens no) at this point. Danielle is out of anyone’s control.

  • cowboys fans

    yeh,Maybe Danielle is the lifeblood of this program, but she’s also very ill and very dangerous. The other RH series have women creating drama with just the normal amount of personality defects. I’m really waiting for NJ to have an assault or negligent manslaughter (wouldn’t be a murder, oh heavens no) at this point. Danielle is out of anyone’s control.