In almost any multi-part Real Housewives reunion, there’s an episode that ends up being completely useless. In three-parters, it’s the middle episode; Bravo uses the good footage in the first and third parts draw people in and then tease them into sticking around for the entire thing, which is what happened with last night’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion. It wasn’t nearly as interesting as the first part, and all of the interview footage with Kim is going to wait until next week.
What we did get was a good bit of Brandi being Brandi, which I always enjoy, and some more of Kyle (and to a lesser extent, Adrienne) being incredibly ineffective Mean Girls. Ladies, you’re just not good at it. You’re not quick enough! That’s not necessarily your fault. It’s probably your parents’ fault. You’re adults, though, so let’s have a little self-awareness about that fact and move on to another way to attract camera time. Maybe you can get a 2-for-1 deal on plastic surgery or something?
1. Brandi is a good time. The montage of Brandi’s peeing children, braless dresses, microscopic bikinis, Xanax-and-booze stupors and unfortunate utterances of euphemisms for male genetalia was perhaps the finest tour through Housewives silliness that we’ve seen in a long time. Please, Bravo. Please make Brandi a full time Housewife next season! Kick Adrienne out and give us more Brandi.
2. Kyle is a mean girl. At least she admitted it, I guess. At the game night, remember how Kim hid Brandi’s crutch and told Kyle about it, and Kyle didn’t bother to give her the crutch so she could leave? Yeah. F*** Kyle. I am perhaps sicker of her particular variety of BS than I am of anyone else’s on the show. If Brandi had been in a wheelchair at that party, I bet Kyle would have gladly tipped her out of it and then acted surprised and dismayed when people thought that tipping the wheelchair-bound wasn’t a nice thing to do.
3. Kyle is suspicious of anyone who’s able to bury the hatchet. Because Kyle has to go out of her way to passive-aggressively torture anyone who has ever committed any kind of perceived slight against her ad infinitum, she seemed incredibly dubious of the fact that Lisa and Taylor were somehow both able to be adults and form a friendship. Apparently Kyle isn’t aware that adults are occasionally able to look at a conflict, realize it’s silly and decide that neither party is at fault. Kyle has never emotionally matured beyond the age of 14, and I’m halfway betting that she tries to get all the other cast members to sign her yearbook at the end of the season.
4. “Did you slit his tires?” “Well, I owned them too.” Brandi is still incapable of lying, which not only entertains all of us in the peanut gallery but fairly often works to shut down Kyle or Taylor when they’re trying to make some kind of point about how Brandi is mean or wrong or not telling the truth. The rest of the women haven’t quite seemed to grasp the fact that Brandi isn’t going to lie right along with them in order to save herself from embarrassment, and it foils some of their usual tactics. For example, when the other Housewives questioned her about who it was that talked behind Lisa’s back, Brandi went ahead and admitted it was Adrienne instead of shying away from naming names like you might expect. Adrienne seemed so shocked that Brandi actually said it that she didn’t even try to deny any wrongdoing. Instead, she merely told Brandi she was mean for telling the truth. Adrienne is not very good at this.
5. Kyle and Adrienne continued their parade of epic fail through the reunion. They both said so many things that were petty and immature and generally did not reflect well on them that it’s kind of difficult to even remember all of it. Adrienne tried to make Brandi look bad by claiming that they were friends and that Brandi had violated that friendship, but Brandi explained that they hadn’t actually seen or talked to each other since the end of filming. Adrienne, in her continued attempt to make any tiny, petty disagreement with Lisa into a grand offense, complained about Giggy drinking out of a glass at her house. I yawned and rolled my eyes a lot when one or both of these ladies were speaking.
6. Kyle put Kim up to being on the show. She claimed it was in an attempt to give Kim some responsibility, but that doesn’t entirely make sense. If that’s the goal, get her a part time job, don’t put her up to public humiliation on reality television when you know full well that she’s a spiraling alcoholic who’s just going to make a fool of herself. And if you decide to do it anyway, don’t then get indignant when the show’s audience thinks your sister is a cracked-out loon. What a sick way for Kyle to buy herself her own story line.
Also, when Andy asked Kyle why she had never sat down and talked with Kim about her problems in any sort of specifics on the show, she said that it would have been inappropriate to get into details in that setting, some things need to be done in private, her family would have been angry with her, blah blah blah. But didn’t Kyle get into exactly those details in a screaming match with Kim in the Season 1 finale? Didn’t she tell the world that Kim is an alcoholic way back then because she was pissed at Kim for embarrassing her? Did she think we all forgot? Deciding not to address it on the show after that is like closing the barn door after the horses have all escaped.
7. Season 2 Camille! Do you remember how much all of us hated Camille last year? We hated her so much! And now she’s funny and friendly and generally seems like a real person. Not only that, but her new boyfriend is eight years younger, looks like Mark Sanchez and has abs you could grate cheese on. Kelsey Grammer seems like such a slimy piece of crap that I wish Camille many years of happiness banging the young hot dude of her choice. Mazel tov.
8. Miscellaneous Taylor thoughts go here. I believe what she says about her abusive marriage, but I don’t necessarily believe anything she has to say in regard to her lack of knowledge about her husband’s fraudtastic business dealings or her theory that Russell’s death might have been a murder. Taylor seems to have been a willing participant in some of the tales of grifting that we’ve heard from the couple’s victims, and since she claims that the abuse started when she was pregnant, she can’t claim to have done all of it under duress from a violent man, if the timeline in my head is correct. Her little sermon about finding Russell with the briefcase seemed to have been rehearsed so that she could be on the record with her version of the story, and it wasn’t particularly compelling.
9. Brandi accidentally called Kyle a C-U-Next-Tuesday. In yet another act of aggressive (if accidental) honesty, Brandi sent Kyle a text calling her THAT WORD after politely declining an invitation from Kyle to attend a party. The C-word text was supposed to go to another friend, and I don’t find it all that unbelievable that Brandi occasionally isn’t that good at using her phone. When questioned about it, Brandi fully admitted that it happened but didn’t apologize, which is another move with which I agree. I haven’t seen any compelling evidence all season that Kyle isn’t a big, giant C-U-Next-Tuesday, so even bothering to apologize would have been the sort of dishonestly of which we now know Brandi to be incapable.
I feel like there were some other things that I wanted to address, but they’re not coming to mind at the moment, despite the fact that I watched the reunion three times last night. That’s just how the episode was, though: decently entertaining but mostly forgettable.
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