Two days later and I am still utterly and totally shocked at Monday night’s Gossip Girl season finale. Stunned. Aghast. Gobsmacked, for all the Brits out there. I feel like the writers unceremoniously destroyed everything that I knew to be right and true and good in this world in approximately 44 minutes of CW television.

There are now two planes of existence: one for those that have not seen this episode, and one for those that have. If you’re still living on that first plane, I have but two pieces of advice for you: (1) Go watch it immediately. Leave work early, give your kid to a babysitter, lock your boyfriend out of your apartment. Do whatever you have to do. (2) Don’t read the rest of this recap until you’ve seen the entire thing, because if you do, I’m about to spoil the rest of your life for you. You’ve been warned.

Welcome to the other side, my friends. I hope one of you brought a flashlight, it’s dark over here.

I know that this episode was called “Last Tango, Then Paris,” but it might as well have been called “In Which Jenny Ruins Everyone’s Life and Then Washes Her Face and Skips Town.” Because, more or less, that’s what happened.

She began the episode in Nate’s bed, again wearing Serena’s sex shirt and looking irritated that all she did while lying next to Nate was watch New Moon (which, in fairness, I would be pissed if I had to watch New Moon too). That’s right – those two crazy kids didn’t even so much as make out during their drunken night together, which caused me to lose more than a little faith in both of them. What is this, 7th Heaven? I want scandal!

Dan and Serena did a little better over in Brooklyn, where they not only slept in the same bed and Serena wore Dan’s shirt, but they also spooned a little bit and kissed. (But it didn’t mean anything! Or, uh, maybe it did?) Oh, and they had their photo taken. By Jenny, who conveniently left her coffee cup behind to notify everyone that she was the person that sent the picture in to Gossip Girl, thereby managing to screw up two relationships (and create a third?) in a single twitch of her Blackberry.

In a better neighborhood uptown, Dorota was completely full-up with baby and Blair was using her giant pregnancy belly to act as a barrier between her and that Columbia dude that she’s been leading on for an episode or two. You see, it was supposed to be her big day with Chuck and she was doing everything humanly possible to avoid thinking about or seeing the Empire State Building, where she was supposed to meet him to reunite or lose him forever! She didn’t want to go (well, she did, but she didn’t) but she also didn’t want to move on with Columbia boy, so Dorota was there to cock-block and make sure it wasn’t actually a date.

Blair’s attempts were bolstered by the Gossip Girl blast that came through with Jenny’s picture of Dan and Serena, which suddenly gave her something to focus on besides her as-yet-unmade decision about that Basshat (and when she called him that, she made my entire life). Who knew that Blair would ever be excited to go to Brooklyn? But she was. Jenny was in Brooklyn, and Blair would ditch her date to go eviscerate Little Jenny Humphrey, even if it meant deigning to leave Manhattan.

And eviscerate, she did. She went through a list of all the people that love people in their social circle and concluded that, in fact, no one loved Jenny because of what an awful, selfish, vicious little thing she is. Not even her daddy loves her anymore, because Rufus showed up at just that moment to prove Blair right and tell Jenny that he’s going to send her to live with her mom in some god-forsaken suburb. Cue the Little J freakout.

She wasn’t the only one freaking out, however; the Gossip Girl blast reverberated far and wide. Nate got it and was filled with righteous anger all the way up to his manbangs, and when he confronted Dan and Serena (at the hospital – Dorota’s having her baby!), they told him that nothing happened (lies!), and Nate did what any scorned 19-year-old would do in the heat of confrontation – he emailed the Gossip Girl blast to Vanessa in Haiti so that Dan’s relationship would get screwed up too.

Also at the hospital was Blair, trying to be by Dorota’s side despite the fact that, at some point during the day, she decided that she did actually want to go to the Empire State Building. Dorota is like the mother Blair never had (even though Blair’s real mom was standing right next to her, blissfully unaware that Blair had somewhere to be) and shooed her off to go get the man of her dreams on top of the Empire State Building.

She was too late, though. A trip to Lenox Hill hadn’t been in the schedule and Blair arrived to the top of the building to be greeted by a bouquet of peonies in a trash can and Chuck nowhere in sight. She grabbed the flowers and set out for his penthouse to retrieve her man – too bad Little Jenny Humphrey got there first.

Jenny had arrived at the Empire teary-eyed and looking for Nate, but all she found was Chuck, guzzling booze and being moody. He invited her to stay and get drunk, and she accepted because she wanted to talk to him about the failure of her manipulative, social-climbing version of the American Dream. And then, THEN, despite the fact that Chuck tried to rape Jenny in the first season (did you think that we forgot that, writers??), Jenny and Chuck had mutual pity sex, and my best friend and I screamed at the TV about how WRONG the whole thing was. Wrong, yet somehow, I’m surprised that it didn’t happen sooner.

Back at Lenox Hill, Dorota’s adorable baby was born and Dan and Serena were having silly conversations about their silly feelings and almost-kissing in the waiting room. First of all, eww, hospital waiting rooms are dirty. I barely want to exist in one, let alone consider making out. Second of all, REALLY? We already know how the whole Dan/Serena thing goes. If they’re going to do all of this to us again, it means the writers have entirely run out of story lines for these boring characters, something which I think we’ve suspected all season long.

In a decidedly less boring storyline, when we next saw Chuck and Jenny, she was curled up in his bed in shame and he was laying there feeling…well, probably feeling nothing, depending on how much he had to drink before she arrived. But she was a virgin, remember? And now she’s lost her virginity to Big Bad Chuck, who very clearly gave her an out before sleeping with her, which she did not take, and she feels like maybe a little bit of a skank. And just when she thought things were as bad as they could be, an elevator sounded and someone else was in the apartment – Blair.

She called Chuck’s name and he flew out of the room, leaving Jenny and reuniting with his lost love. For her part, Jenny stripped the bed of her sex sheets (teenage shame is so adorable) and used her cloak of invisibility to get out of the apartment undetected. For some reason, the first place that she thought to go and cry her eyes out was the chapel at Lenox Hill Hospital, where Eric found her and asked her what happened – all she had to do was whimper out the words “Chuck” and “mistake” for him to know that they had sex, and he went and found Big Brother Humphrey to avenge Jenny’s fragile innocence. Nevermind the fact that Jenny plainly consented and that their proximity in age would make her legally able to do so where I live, despite the fact that she’s under 18 – she needed a man to fix her fallen virtue!

Dan did so by punching Chuck in the face (and nearly falling over while doing so – he doesn’t have much experience with the whole punching thing) when Blair and Chuck returned to the hospital to see the baby, just in time for Rufus to awkwardly walk up and try to feed everyone without a single clue as to why his daughter had cried her eyeliner all over her face or his son had just assaulted someone. Serena was equally clueless and likely didn’t figure out until Dan sat her down and told her, but Blair knew right away – Chuck had slept with Jenny, and she didn’t ever want anything to do with him again. Sad, since he was about to propose to her (but that would never happen in real life – Blair would be the first to tell you that people of high breeding don’t get engaged at 19).

Before we go any further, we have to deal with the small problem of Georgina Sparks. She lurked around this entire episode in a bad blond wig and a big coat, trying (and failing) to get people to help and/or pay attention to her. No one would, so she finally ended up back at Dan’s place, forcing him to listen. When she had his attention, she unveiled an enormous, lamé covered baby bump and claimed that he was going to be a dad. Please, Dan, for the love of everything that is holy – ask for a paternity test. I know that you can be a little slow on the uptake at times, but you’re nowhere stupid enough to have sperminated Georgina Freakin’ Sparks. And if you have, well, I guess that makes your impending re-hookup with Serena a little more complicated.

Fast forward a week and Blair was, somehow, doing just fine. She packed for a summer-long trip to Paris and convinced Serena to go with her, and I got a little jealous. I want to jet off to Paris on a moment’s notice too!

Sadly, Blair wasn’t the only one taking a European vacation. In the season’s final scene, we saw Chuck stumbling drunkenly through a Prague alleyway, getting turned down by hookers left and right. And then, he stumbled just a little too far – two thugs came out of the shadows to mug him, and he resisted when they found the ring that he had been planning to give to Blair. Since they were, ya know, thugs that rob people for a living, they shot him. Right there, in the street. Chuck Bass. Shot.

Personally, I thought that Jenny was going to kill herself and that would be our Season Finale Big Surprise, so they really got me on this one. After thinking about it, though, I have some predictions for next season: Chuck will survive, the baby won’t be Dan’s, and Jenny won’t stay away from Manhattan very long at all. When she comes back, I certainly hope that we get the complete destruction that Blair promised her.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • NZA

    I think Jenny is gone for a while. I remember reading that she was going to take a hiatus from the show. No loss. She’s annoying.

    I am still shocked about Chuck being shot! Not Chuck!! :( But yes, I think he will be a-ok!

    • Christine

      I remember reading the same thing about jenny not being on since there were some creative differences as they say.
      But I read an interview with GG’s executive producer and she does give some hints about next season… like ed westwick(chuck) definitely filming with them in paris!!

      here’s the link everyone!

  • Relli

    Yes Amanda, I thought the same thing about the baby not being Dan’s. I mean for the love all that is real, there is NO WAY he would’t have wore a raincoat while getting it on with Crazy Pants Sparks. Good recap though!

  • Pamela

    I have a prediction… Jenny gets pregnant with Chuck’s baby! You never know with gossip girl right?

    BTW – u lost the typo game! Did you mean to say: likely didn’t figure IT out until Dan sat her down instead of likely didn’t figure out until Dan sat her down? :)

    • I have a confession: I was so sick of writing this thing by the time I got to the end of it that I didn’t even read back over it, so I assumed I would lose the typo game today.

      Also, I think if we’re going to play the typo game, you should have to type out the word “you” in your response :-)

      • Pamela

        Hahaha! You got me! :)

  • Can I just say how much I grew to despise Jenny that I think if I saw Taylor Momsen in public I would scream at her?!

    Great recap… boo to the show being over!

    • sarahthetran

      HAHAHAHAHA. exactly.
      she was annoying from the start– but i could NOT stop complaining about her this season — i was like– “guys, we already hate her– dont they know that? they dont need to write in anything else.”

      SO gross. um. ps: Amanda — i physically laughed out loud @ my desk — “In Which Jenny Ruins Everyone’s Life and Then Washes Her Face and Skips Town” — PERFECT. just… perfect.

    • Thumbelina Fashionista

      I actually saw Taylor Momsen on the street (right outside of Saks on 5th Avenue in NYC). I should say I HEARD her first–some obnoxious teenager screaming at her mother. And lo and behold, it was Taylor Momsen.

      • sarahthetran

        screaming at her mama?! no way.

    • Lo

      Hate Taylor Momsen too, so over the tortured soul/interesting and edgy thing she has going, and the bad hair extensions, just want to give her a good scrub

    • S

      I totally agree on the fact of Jenny being so annoying! The only upside in that matter was that she distracted me in finding Serena and Dan so annoying… And the combination of those two is even worse!

      That being said, I was and still am totally shocked by this episode…

  • Amy Beth

    Ever since I saw the episode, I can’t stop thinking about it! I’ve been waiting for this recap, and it definitely delivered :-). See you next season…

    Chuck will definitely survive, no question. That was a gorgeous ring though, can’t blame him for not wanting to give it up! (Though it was stupid of him to fight with robbers.)

  • sarahthetran

    I forgot predictions:
    1) OF COURSE it’s not dan’s baby — we don’t need a paternity test to prove it– & honestly the way GG works– the paternity test would be tampered w/ anyway

    2) chuck is ok for sure. (although i can’t imagine how blair would ever be w/ him again — how can you come back from that? i mean — SOMEHOW they came back from him selling her to jack — but. lil j? ew)

    3) & nate and dan both want serena? — i think. im sure the season ender was supposed to make me assume nate moves on — but i doubt it. serena will come back — nate will have no-one that the show wants him to be w/ — and him and dan will fight for her love. she will feel for dan? — but then she finds out he didn’t tell her about georgina? haha maybe… who knows.

    SO much nonsense… i get so angry… you know i love it :) XOXO

  • Can I also add that annoying Vanessa needs to go away?! I used to like her, and then her dating Dan has officially made her Little-Miss-Annoying and I would love to see her stay off in far-away lands doing good-deeds that she told Dan she wasn’t applying for but did so anyway.

    • sara

      i feel like gossip girl has ruined most people for me. i quite liked jessica szhor pre GG and now i can’t stand her!!!

      the entire show is carried by chuck & blair

  • Linda

    i actually loved the fact that jenny slept with chuck.
    i love chuck and blair together.. but i love them apart and yearning for each other more.
    the brooding the angst… tv couples in harmony are never quite as fun as those that are wistfully yearning for the other

  • Karin bag4bag

    Jenny has been driving me nut this series. I used to like her character as Little J in Series one, but she can never go back to Kansas now ! They need some new blueblood characters to mix it up.

  • Sofia Nolan

    there`s something about Jenny I don`t like anymore…:|

  • hannah

    your recap made me laugh out soo loud in the library! i couldnt agree more!!

    now blair’s going to have to do soemthing equally scandalous so that she and chuck can break even and be back together.

    and i rewatched some of the parts of georgina and she didnt seem pregnant in any of the scenes except the last one where she shows dan her belly. so im thinking maybe the whole pregnancy thing is fake and she just wants to stir trouble?? after noone would talk to her she said she’d get them all back, so im thinking shes faking!

    either way, i cant wait til august! bring it back CW!!!
    also, kill jenny. i dont care how, just do it.
    and bury her gobs of eyeliner in a separate coffin beside her!!

  • B

    Emotional disaster .

  • Karin bag4bag

    Have to add more – Maybe Chuck had to be shot as only a near death experience could bring Blair rushing to the hospital ???

    • That’s what my best friend thinks! I think it sounds plausible and I know that they’re going to be filming a portion of next season in Europe, so maybe we’ll get to see them fall in love all over again in Paris!

  • S

    Your recaps are so fun to read! I think Chuck and Blair will get back together and he’ll probably propose – maybe in Paris? But they’ll have one of those long engagements. And I love Serena and Nate for pure superficial reasons – they look so good together. Not a fan of Vanessa or Georgina. Jenny is so-so. I don’t mind if she leaves – because she doesn’t stand a chance against Blair. Blair needs a more formidable opponent.

  • traveler

    can anyone tell me what are these suitcases blair is packing….who made them, what’s the designer…..please i’m dying to find out….they are awesome

  • Magda

    How about Chuck has memory loss from the shooting? That would be so dramatic. hahahaha.

  • Tiff Chao

    I love Chuck and Blair and feel that they make the show, therefore Chuck will survive. I also feel that there’ll be a scene in the hospital with Chuck and Blair. I actually did not pick up on the clues that Chuck was in Prague so thanks for making that clear. I really like Serena’s earrings in one of the scenes. I also don’t think that the baby is Dan’s. Vanessa and Jenny were kind of boring in this season.

    Overall, great recap. It was very entertaining and detailed.

  • nOna

    Although I hate spoilers, I really appreciated the warning I got before this episode!

    If Gossip Girl is preparing the upcoming episode I really would recommend the following:

    1- Change the name to either ( CSI Upper East Side OR Ugly Jenny) !!
    2- The writer in desperate need to start seeing a therapist.

  • Jessica

    I barely watch this show anymore. I also didn’t like any of the clothes. I really think season 1 is their best season. This show become pwp (plot what plot?). I wonder if Vanessa will be gone next season also since she and Ed broke up in real life.

  • Danielle

    Complain about the writers not Jenny.
    They’re the ones not clever enough to do anything with her storyline!
    In the books she goes off to boarding school and doesn’t have a mental breakdown or anything.
    She gets kicked out of constance for being too famous. (Hanging out with rockstars, magazine photoshoots with Serena, etc.)

    Taylor Momsen won’t be back for the next season because she is touring this summer with her band.

    I wish they did something better with her character, they really just made her annoying and useless.

    I was shocked about Chuck getting shot too!

    It’ll prob me a more interesting show next season without Jenny’s unnecessary and irrational trouble making.