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I feel like our little Gossip Girl writers are growing up. For the second (or third?) week in a row, we’ve had a theme. A theme and some narrative symmetry! It’s almost like this is a real TV show that we’re watching here!

In last night’s episode, everyone came clean. It was like a confessional up in this piece, for real. Scott confessed to Rufus and Lily (via Georgina), Lily confessed to Rufus, Vanessa confessed to Dan, Carter confessed to Serena, and Bree confessed to Nate (well, she was sort of…found out. But she came clean. Whatev).

Shall the truth set our Upper East Siders free? Probs not, they’ll all just start lying again next week. If they don’t lie, we don’t have a show. But let’s enjoy a brief moment of honesty and transparency, shall we?

So we started the episode with Rufus and Lily hating each other and we ended it with them getting married by Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth. I’m not really sure how that happened, but Kim Gordon? Eff yes.

The reason that Lily and Rufus were hating each other was because of little old Serena. You see, Lily blames Rufus for not forcing Serena to go to Brown while she was gone with CeCe, and Rufus was mad that Lily wasn’t being more understanding about the whole no college thing. Lily may seem justified in her irritation, but let’s check Rufus’s parenting track record: he let his daughter drop out of high school for a fashion internship. He let said daughter run away and live in a gross Lower East Side apartment with a crazy model and her Cobrasnake-wannabe boyfriend, who took half-clothed pictures of her. He let her cut her hair into a slightly punk, bleach-blond mullet. This man is obviously not to be trusted with minors, Lily should have seen this coming a mile away. Which is not to say that Lily has done any better in the past.

But they were going to call the whole thing off, and Rufus even went so far as to spend the night in his old Brooklyn loft, which we’re all apparently supposed to believe is a tenement where he eats beans out of a can and sings hobo songs or something, instead of being kind of boho and fabulous. But of course, Lily and Rufus aren’t the only ones with relationship problems. So before we can solve theirs, we have to hear about everyone else’s.

Olivia is off on an Asian press tour, and that means it’s time for Georgina to make her psycho-triumphant return. As anyone that’s ever dated a certifiable crazyperson knows, you can’t just break up with them. They won’t let you. So she’s been calling, texting, and sending e-cards (who sends e-cards??), and Dan’s been using Vanessa’s iChat name so that Georgina won’t see him when he gets on to talk to Olivia. There’s a life lesson here: don’t sleep with crazy people. It may seem like it will be fun at the time, and it usually is, but unless you plan to kill them like a praying mantis immediately afterward, it’s not worth the world of pain they’re going to put you in later.

Case in point: Georgina has dirt on Scott, which means she has dirt on Vanessa. She ambushes her at a coffee shop to get the lowdown on what (who?) Dan was doing while she was scheming in Boston, and when she finds out that Dan is now dating Fake Hannah Montana, she uses her information about Dan’s brother in order to blackmail Vanessa into helping her. And maybe it was because she’s blinded by love (or psychosis), but it seemed like her plan was fairly weak – have Vanessa tell Dan that Fake Hannah Montana is dating Orlando Bloom? Srsly? You can do better, Georgie. Which she did. Later.

And then, good ol’ Carter and Serena. See, Carter’s got secrets. When you spend the entirety of your adult life being a cad, that’s bound to happen. It seems to me that no one should be surprised by his past anymore but, well, Serena’s not that bright. Cute, nice rack, snappy dresser, but not that bright. And anyway, being a “changed” person doesn’t mean that you can erase all the craptacular stuff you’ve done in the past. Because it takes one to know one, Chuck realizes that there’s more than a common Sea Island vacation history between Bree and Carter while they’re having a dim sum double date and confronts her about it in the kitchen.

Sure enough, Bree’s sister(?) almost married Carter, but he left her at the altar after her parents bailed out his gambling debts, which left the Buckleys understandably irritated with him. And they’re from Texas so, you know, don’t mess with them. And don’t mess with Chuck, either: he found himself again offering Carter (that’s just a douchey name, isn’t it?) a plane ticket to leave everyone alone or he would have to own up to Serena in front of Bree at Lily and Rufus’s wedding.

Oh yeah, the wedding! At some point, instead of figuring out their issues, Lily and Rufus just decided to say “eff it” and get married on the quick. At the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens! Cute, right? They set up the whole thing on the fly, and since Lily is ridiculously well-connected, that’s really not that hard to imagine. Friends and money make things easy, never forget it. Lily even had Jenny make her a dress, which was kind of sweet, but also not really believable for Lily’s character – she would have called the gals at Marchesa and had some alternative wedding options delivered to the apartment, of course.

But the wedding gives us another opportunity to get all the kids together and for hijinks to ensue, which is the writers’ challenge every epside: getting a bunch of people with different lives and social schedules to the same event at the same time so that things can hit the fan. Blair, Chuck, Nate, Bree, Carter, Serena, Dan, they’re all there. And then Georgina shows up! Despite being specifically not invited and despite Dan’s best attempt to fool her into believing that Vanessa didn’t already spill the beans on her insanity (and on his brother) to him. You can’t hustle a hustler, so she doesn’t buy the “let’s get back together, but don’t come to my dad’s wedding” line and decides to show up with Scott and make a scene anyway.

But because this is Gossip Girl, a scene was already ensuing when she and the bastard child arrived. Carter had decided to grow a pair, show up, and come clean to Serena about his wicked ways in the past. She got upset, but got un-upset later, but it was too late because Carter was already being whisked away in a limo by the Buckley family goons. But the real scene was Lily and Rufus in the process of calling the whole thing off because, well, they just don’t agree on anything. And like the totally creepy and awkward stalker he is, Scott decided to walk up right in the middle of all of that, despite the fact that he’s never so much as met Lily before. And because she’s wealthy and used to getting her way, she went all BISH PLZ on him, and he ran off.

Cue Georgina, coming up at just the right time, as everyone was gathering to see what the Lily/Rufus foofaraw was about. So she dropped the illegitimate child bomb and wandered off to help herself to a plate of food from the buffet while Lily and Rufus hoofed it to Chinatown to stop Scott from getting on a bus back to Boston. I mean, it’s not like they couldn’t have just, ya know, flown there. With Lily’s vast fortune. But whatever. Chinatown!

Not only did they stop Scott, but they managed to work out all of their marriage woes right there on the sidewalk, with the scent of Peking duck wafting through the air, and they decided to get married anyway! That night, by Kim Gordon, and then Sonic Youth was their wedding band. Not too bad for the second try at a quickie wedding in a single day, if you ask me. And not only that, but it set the stage for what might be the end of the annoying Bree Buckley storyline – Nate got wise to the fact that Bree was just using him to find Carter, and I was kind of shocked that Nate has the rational capabilities to deduce such things. Maybe Blair clued him in. And by maybe, I mean yes, that’s absolutely what happened.

But that wasn’t the best part. The best part, my friends, was what happened to Georgina. After trying to ruin the wedding, she went to drink alone, of course. There, she was whisked away to God knows where by none other than Dorota’s doorman boyfriend, as Miss Blair’s maid looked on approvingly. He was posing as a Belarussian prince. How do they think of this stuff? And when do we get to see more Dorota? I need more of her in my life. And what is he going to do with Georgina? Fly to Eastern Europe and ditch her there? One can only hope.

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