Well, weren’t our Real Housewives of Orange County busy last night? They were all over the place: going on vacations, going to the pool, swilling cocktails, pretending to have careers. It was downright adorable at times, but less adorable at other times. Those other times, of course, were when Tamra wanted to talk about vaginal rejuvenation, a procedure whose existence continues to blow my mind. And not in a good way.
But talk about it we did, as well as postpartum depression, the rules of friendship and how to properly take a tequila shot. You know, all the important stuff in life.
We started with Tamra, who was headed to pick up Vicki so that they could go to Cabo. Tamra didn’t seem exceptionally excited to make the trip and Vicki could only talk about how Tamra needed to spend the trip courting her friendship, so perhaps it’s not all that difficult to understand why Tamra seemed less than enthusiastic on the ride to the airport. I know that I wouldn’t want to be trapped in a foreign country with Vicki for any period of time. Not that Tamra would be a treat of a travel partner either.
When Vicki wasn’t talking about massive the apology she felt she was owed, she was doing business on her iPhone, which was actually preferable to listening to her complain about some perceived slight that none of us really remember. In fact, I don’t remember it at all, so maybe I need to re-watch last season. Or maybe (and I think this is more likely), Vicki has been losing her mind for a solid year over something that shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, particularly in the context of Tamra’s crumbling marriage. That sounds a lot like the Vicki we all know.
Back in the OC, Alexis and Gretchen got together to swill cocktails and discuss the surprise party that Gretchen was going to throw for her parents’ 40 year wedding anniversary, which inevitably lead to a conversation about her problems with marriage. Gretchen has been married twice (divorced the first time, and we know what happened with the second one…) and doesn’t know if she wants Slade to put a ring on it, but she also doesn’t want to have a kid without being married. But she wants to have a kid! Don’t get her wrong, she thinks it’s majorly important that she eventually sends a Lil’ Gretchen out there into the world.
They talked about Gretchen’s “lease” idea, but even Alexis had the good sense to tell her that was stupid, even though no one has pointed out to her that the “lease” deal is basically the same as what she’s doing now. In fact, it’s exactly the same, and giving it a cutesy name only makes Gretchen more annoying. Hopefully we don’t have to hear any more about it after this episode, but since Gretchen is only capable of holding a few different thoughts in her head at once, what are the odds of that? This one seems really lodged in there.
The next thing we knew, Vicki and Tamra had arrived to their hotel in Cabo. On the way in, Vicki made sure to tell every staff member that she could find that Tamra owes her an apology, because those people are paid to listen to her and she intends to get her money’s worth. As part of Tamra’s pay-as-you-go apology plan, Vicki got the bigger of the suite’s bedrooms and she also got to mother Tamra for the entire trip, starting with yanking her off the balcony when Tamra tried to moon the entire resort. We also saw a little too much of Tamra’s hoo-ha in the process, but just like last week’s tub terror, let’s never speak of that again.
What I would like to speak about, however, is the tequila shots that came next. I could understand if, say, a pair of recently escaped nuns didn’t know how to do a tequila shot. Or even a pair of regular, middle-aged soccer moms from the heartland. But Tamra and Vicki? And Tamra especially? I’m disappointed in those girls, although they did do the right thing when they realized they had screwed up their shots – they took more shots until they got it right. For the record, and for those of you who didn’t go to a party school and missed out on this essential part of your education, you lick the salt, take the shot and then suck the lime.
Back in the OC, Alexis woke up one morning and decided it would be fun to be a fashion designer. Well, more accurately, she wants to be a muse for someone who actually designs dresses, but she doesn’t know that word, so she wants to be a designer. As it turns out, she had a seamstress who already made a lot of the clubbing outfits that she wears to pick up her kids from preschool, so she just had her whip up a few more things for her to put her name on, et voila! Alexis is a designer, y’all. Excuse me, I mean she’s a career woman. Just like she always was, right?
Over at Peggy’s house, she was sitting down to film a segment for a documentary about postpartum depression. She talked about having suicidal feelings during and after her pregnancies and how her husband and mother-in-law eventually had to stage an intervention to get her to use vitamins and magic slap bracelets to cure it. And really, whatever helps is great, but Peggy and her mother-in-law are not medical experts and I hope that she doesn’t persuade anyone who’s suffering to forgo therapy or medication in favor of relying on a glittery slap bracelet hooked up to some old lady’s laptop.
Major clinical depression is a serious illness, and you can’t treat it with magic and a heaping helping of B vitamins. Implying that it’s safe to deal with suicidal thoughts that way is nothing less than dangerous, and her husband should have stepped in to get her to a doctor instead of listening to his dingbat mother. Got some dry skin? Sure, try and cure it with vitamins and holograms and positive thinking. Want to kill yourself? Maybe you should be doing a little bit more. Since Peggy is clearly not well yet, I find it even more surprising that her husband agree to have the family on a reality show.
Back in Cabo, Vicki and Tamra were headed to dinner, where Vicki sought out more hotel employees (this time, it was an unsuspecting waiter) to tell all about how Tamra was a bad friend last year. Once the waiter had been sufficiently freaked out and left to fetch alcohol, Vicki told Tamra that she wanted her to write an essay about what she values in a friendship and read it to her in a beachside ceremony the next day. The request seemed entirely serious and without the tiniest note of irony or sarcasm, which means that we can all mark off “friendship contract” on our Official Real Housewives Bingo Cards.
As if that wasn’t enough insanity for one meal, Vicki suddenly realized that the Caesar salad she had ordered contained fish and gagged. I’m assuming that Vicki has had a caeser salad in the past, and caeser dressing always contains anchovy paste, so it’s not that Vicki doesn’t like fish, she just doesn’t like the idea of fish. In fact, she doesn’t like it so much that she started gagging and shaking like a dog about to puke.
Over in Gretchen’s neck of the woods, she sat down with her totally creepy dad to listen to him make gross jokes at the waitress and tell her that Slade’s kind of a slimeball. He might be a creeper, but he’s a correct creeper, eh? Takes one to know one, I suppose. Gretchen wanted his permission to have children out of wedlock with Slade and I’m not sure that she really got it, but if she’s a grown woman who wants to have a kid and she has the income to support one (whether or not she does is a discussion for a different day), then why ask your parents for permission? Would they disown her if she got pregnant in her 30s?
In Cabo again, Vicki and Tamra took to the pool deck to discuss…well, Tamra’s sex life. Because that’s all Tamra can talk about, and honestly, although this is ground rife for snark, I say more power to her. I don’t want to see any more tub sex, but you’re supposed to be able to blab all the dirty details of your sex life to your girlfriends. That’s what girlfriends are for! Vicki seemed totally disgusted, but Tamra didn’t even say anything that terrible. In fact, the weirdest part of the whole conversation was that she and Eddie like to listen to Lady Gaga while they get it on.
And then, as if to purposefully further horrify Vicki, the duo headed to one of the resort’s swim-up bars and Tamra flung herself out for body shots. Vicki nearly stroked out and started hollering about how she’s a mother of four and she shouldn’t be doing that sort of thing, but is that really where the line is going to be drawn? Tamra has behaved like an utterly loathsome person for all to see, has had awful fights with her soon-to-be ex-husband and has gotten into a bathtub naked with her new boyfriend, all on TV. Body shots in Cabo are the objectionable thing here? No, no they’re not. Let the lady take some body shots, Vicki. I’d need some booze after all of that too. I might need some booze after just thinking about it.
Things were gross in a different way back in California, where Peggy told us all about how she got a Bentley for having a kid. I’m not an expert on Bentleys or anything, but it looked like it was perhaps a used Bentley from a couple of years back. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the way that Peggy was bragging, you would have thought that her husband had it custom-ordered just for her because of the awesome feat of childbearing. This is neither the time nor place to debate the merits of “push presents” as a concept, but I do wonder where one buys a used Bentley. Do they have an ultraluxury section at Carmax? Do they still put the little Carmax decal on the back?
Anyway, it was time for Peggy’s requisite pool time for the episode, but things didn’t get very far. Dad and London got in the pool and swam around, but Peggy soon realized that Capri, her youngest daughter, was bleeding. Bleeding from her finger! Oh dear! You’d think that if the baby was seriously hurt, she’d be crying, as babies are wont to do. Right? But she wasn’t. Little Capri (don’t even get me started on the name) was just going about her toddler business, gnawing on half a chicken finger like a normal kid who is totally unaware that the name her parents gave her means that she’s destined for a life on the pole.
Once Peggy (What is Peggy short for, anyway? Pegatha?) realized her kid was bleeding, though, all bets were off. In a display that should convince anyone who was watching that magic doesn’t cure postpartum depression, Peggy lost her mind over a tiny cut on her kid’s finger and sent her husband to the emergency room with her to get it stitched up. For how insistent Peggy was that the cut was some sort of grievous injury, she didn’t bother to go to the doctor with her husband and daughter. She stayed in the cabana at the pool instead and chose to harass them remotely via iPhone. Her kid’s finger didn’t need stitches, of course.
Back in Cabo for one last scene, Vicki and Tamra were having a romantic nighttime moment on their terrace when Vicki suddenly brought up the Friendship Contract Part Deux that she had requested earlier in the episode. Tamra was hung over and in disbelief that Vicki had been serious about the whole thing, but she managed to sputter out a few words about how she’ll always be there for Vicki and have her back, and she didn’t even tack “at least until this stupid TV show ends” onto the end. Vicki seemed satisfied that enough homage had been paid to her throughout the trip that it was time to forgive Tamra, but trust me, she’ll never forget. Vicki’s not the forgetting type, particularly not when an incident can be used to hold over someone’s head later.