Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta wasn’t the strongest one that we’ve seen all season, but still, good fun was had by all. We ended a few conflicts, started some new ones and listened to our Housewives talk about each other in various groupings for an entire hour.
Kim made a promising bid for this episode’s Crazy Award by eating junk food in a fat-zapper machine, but Cynthia blew her out of the water with an awkwardly earnest friend contract that she presented to Nene in hopes of cementing their bond forever. She’s terrified to get married, but she wants Nene’s commitment in writing?
Sheree started the episode by going to get her weave updated with Lawrence, who deserves credit not only for being a good singer, but also for making sure that Sheree’s hair is always the best on the show. They started in with the gossip almost immediately, but before they could get to anything juicy, the agency that Sheree visited last week called to tell her that they’d like to represent her. And really, that shouldn’t be very surprising – as Nene pointed out, she already has a name and it shouldn’t be particularly hard to book her for local things based on that alone.
Speaking of people who are trying to capitalize on nearly nonexistent talent, next we visited Kim, who Kandi had sent to a local dance studio to learn a little choreography for her opening gig on Kandi’s tour. She was trying to learn the choreography in six-inch heels, which makes it hard for me to even criticize her. I can barely think when I’m wearing shoes that tall, let alone learn things. Learning things that also involve walking? Out of the question. As it turns out, Kim couldn’t either, but she sort of tried. I wouldn’t have even tried.
At Cynthia’s house, she and Peter were trying to sort out invitations and the conversation devolved into discussion of the fight between Peter and Nene. Peter said that obviously Cynthia and Nene can’t be friends if Nene can’t get along with him, but Cynthia wants them to try and work it out so that everyone can get along. We all know that Nene is not particularly skilled when it comes to mature conflict resolution and getting along with people, so best of luck with that, Cynthia. Really. She’s going to need it. In Peter’s defense, if she’s talking to Nene on the phone six times a day, Cynthia probably does need to deal with that. Peter just needs to learn how to not sound like a total creeper when he says it.
In Phaedra’s neck of the woods, Dwight made his triumphant (not really) return to the show while dressed as the ghetto Willy Wonka, wearing a cream tuxedo jacket and some sort of basket on his head. He was ostensibly at Phaedra’s house to meet the new baby, but as soon as they sat down, Phaedra passed off the kid and Dwight immediately started tattling about the various and sundry things people had said about Phaedra’s magical seven-month pregnancy. She got all indignant and insulted that people would even dare to discuss such things, let alone make jokes at the expense of a fetus, but it apparently didn’t occur to her that the jokes were about her and the kid was just an innocent bystander who wanted to live out his nine months of fetus time in peace.
Phaedra struck back at Kim by saying that her nursing degree came from the same place as Dr. Love’s Ph.D, claiming that she had been a stripper in the past and generally taking any kind of cheap shot that her slow little brain could muster. Note to Phaedra – if you’re going to get mad at someone for talking about you, turning around and calling them an uneducated hooker is probably not the best way to make yourself look like an adult. Also, that eyeshadow is not a great way to look like an adult either. Not to mention that no one would even be talking about your pregnancy timeline if you hadn’t made it a topic of conversation.
In other news, Sheree and Kandi got together to run lines for Sheree’s upcoming play, and after a while I couldn’t tell if they were talking about Sheree or Sheree’s character. And if they were talking about the character…well, maybe Sheree is a better actress than we thought? Or perhaps the material is just so close to real life that she doesn’t have to act. Or, like I said, she might have devolved into talking about her own life at some point and I didn’t catch the transition. I don’t know, but thinking about it is starting to make me go cross-eyed.
Anyway, Sheree then visited Kim to check out her insane make-me-skinny-with-a-laser-machine. Cynthia and Nene also showed up and while Kim excused herself to change into a bikini for the laser machine, Nene and Cynthia stepped into the kitchen, against Nene’s wishes, to discuss last week’s Peter showdown. For a minute, it actually seemed like things were going fine – they hugged, Cynthia gave her a little gift to smooth things over, Nene promised that she valued their friendship. And then, just when I thought we were going to have a sweet, normal moment, things went straight off the rails when Cynthia presented Nene with a friend contract. The typed document stated that they were required to be friends for a year, renewing automatically, and it had all kinds of stipulations about deaths and certified mail and the president, which sounds like I made it up but I didn’t. Nene seemed appropriately horrified but smiled and nodded so as to not provoke the crazy lady.
Nene finally managed to escape back to the fat-zapping room to be with Sheree and Kim, who were seeming positively sane by comparison. And that’s saying a lot, since Kim was laying under the zapper, eating a piece of pizza and a chicken finger. And really, if that doesn’t give you an utterly perfect snapshot of Kim’s entire existence, I’m not sure what would. It’s Kim in a single dramatic tableau. Even if you’ve never seen a single episode of this entire show in your life, you could watch that one scene and know exactly what to expect from her. She also let us know that she flies to LA once every five weeks to have her hair done, and I’m not even talking about her wig. I’m talking about the hair under her wig, which no one ever sees. I can’t even make a joke about that, because it’s already a joke.
The gathering of the week was the debut of Sheree’s play, and while Lawrence was doing her hair beforehand, he brought up an interesting point – Peter and Nene should just sleep together and get it over with already. They’ve had sexual tension since the mother’s day dinner all those weeks ago, and nothing will make you passive-aggressively bicker with someone faster than wanting to bone them but not being able to. I think that’s what’s going on here.
Let’s not think about that too hard, though, because not only is it kind of icky but we need to talk about Sheree’s play. And when I say “Sheree’s play,” I mean that loosely, because she had almost no part in the thing based on what we saw. Despite the fact that she hardly had any lines and did a middling job at best, Sheree later declared herself ready for film work, sort of like she was ready to be a designer because she has tried on a lot of clothes in her lifetime. And we all know how well that went.
After the play, Phaedra and Cynthia ran into each other and Phaedra got angry about Cynthia asking about the baby, which doesn’t make any sense. Phaedra went around telling everyone who would listen that she was being induced at only seven months pregnant, and if she didn’t want questions, she should have either told the truth or thought of a better lie. Phaedra then accused Cynthia of calling the baby an alien, which Cynthia didn’t even do – it was Kim, which Dwight told her earlier in the episode but she apparently forgot. No matter; the facts of a situation have never stopped any of these women from having a fight before, so why should they start dictating things now?
In a fit of adulthood that stood in stark contrast to Phaedra and Cynthia’s altercation, Peter and Nene also met up outside of the play to smooth some things out, and that’s actually what they did. Who woulda thunk, eh? Peter and Nene both sort of apologized, said that things would be fine and secretly wanted to rip each others’ clothes off. But they didn’t! Restraint is such a rare thing to see on this show. Since Cynthia eventually marries the dude, let’s go ahead and assume that Nene and Peter never do the horizontal mambo so that we can all put that thought straight out of our heads. It’s Monday, and I don’t need to be thinking about stuff like that.
Kim and Nene then got together at Twist to have lunch, and whenever I eat at Twist, I always expect to see a Housewife there. And they were right, the calamari is good! If you ever find yourself there, try it. Nene and Kim quickly ditched their food to sit outside and smoke, though, even though Nene smokes like a high schooler trying to pretend that she’s done it for years, honey. Over cigarettes, Nene said that maybe she wanted to date a white guy next, which I don’t really believe. Just because Kim found a white guy with a nice ass doesn’t mean they’re a dime a dozen out there. Believe me. I know of which I speak.