Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta wasn’t the strongest one that we’ve seen all season, but still, good fun was had by all. We ended a few conflicts, started some new ones and listened to our Housewives talk about each other in various groupings for an entire hour.

Kim made a promising bid for this episode’s Crazy Award by eating junk food in a fat-zapper machine, but Cynthia blew her out of the water with an awkwardly earnest friend contract that she presented to Nene in hopes of cementing their bond forever. She’s terrified to get married, but she wants Nene’s commitment in writing?

Sheree started the episode by going to get her weave updated with Lawrence, who deserves credit not only for being a good singer, but also for making sure that Sheree’s hair is always the best on the show. They started in with the gossip almost immediately, but before they could get to anything juicy, the agency that Sheree visited last week called to tell her that they’d like to represent her. And really, that shouldn’t be very surprising – as Nene pointed out, she already has a name and it shouldn’t be particularly hard to book her for local things based on that alone.

Speaking of people who are trying to capitalize on nearly nonexistent talent, next we visited Kim, who Kandi had sent to a local dance studio to learn a little choreography for her opening gig on Kandi’s tour. She was trying to learn the choreography in six-inch heels, which makes it hard for me to even criticize her. I can barely think when I’m wearing shoes that tall, let alone learn things. Learning things that also involve walking? Out of the question. As it turns out, Kim couldn’t either, but she sort of tried. I wouldn’t have even tried.

At Cynthia’s house, she and Peter were trying to sort out invitations and the conversation devolved into discussion of the fight between Peter and Nene. Peter said that obviously Cynthia and Nene can’t be friends if Nene can’t get along with him, but Cynthia wants them to try and work it out so that everyone can get along. We all know that Nene is not particularly skilled when it comes to mature conflict resolution and getting along with people, so best of luck with that, Cynthia. Really. She’s going to need it. In Peter’s defense, if she’s talking to Nene on the phone six times a day, Cynthia probably does need to deal with that. Peter just needs to learn how to not sound like a total creeper when he says it.

In Phaedra’s neck of the woods, Dwight made his triumphant (not really) return to the show while dressed as the ghetto Willy Wonka, wearing a cream tuxedo jacket and some sort of basket on his head. He was ostensibly at Phaedra’s house to meet the new baby, but as soon as they sat down, Phaedra passed off the kid and Dwight immediately started tattling about the various and sundry things people had said about Phaedra’s magical seven-month pregnancy. She got all indignant and insulted that people would even dare to discuss such things, let alone make jokes at the expense of a fetus, but it apparently didn’t occur to her that the jokes were about her and the kid was just an innocent bystander who wanted to live out his nine months of fetus time in peace.

Phaedra struck back at Kim by saying that her nursing degree came from the same place as Dr. Love’s Ph.D, claiming that she had been a stripper in the past and generally taking any kind of cheap shot that her slow little brain could muster. Note to Phaedra – if you’re going to get mad at someone for talking about you, turning around and calling them an uneducated hooker is probably not the best way to make yourself look like an adult. Also, that eyeshadow is not a great way to look like an adult either. Not to mention that no one would even be talking about your pregnancy timeline if you hadn’t made it a topic of conversation.

In other news, Sheree and Kandi got together to run lines for Sheree’s upcoming play, and after a while I couldn’t tell if they were talking about Sheree or Sheree’s character. And if they were talking about the character…well, maybe Sheree is a better actress than we thought? Or perhaps the material is just so close to real life that she doesn’t have to act. Or, like I said, she might have devolved into talking about her own life at some point and I didn’t catch the transition. I don’t know, but thinking about it is starting to make me go cross-eyed.

Anyway, Sheree then visited Kim to check out her insane make-me-skinny-with-a-laser-machine. Cynthia and Nene also showed up and while Kim excused herself to change into a bikini for the laser machine, Nene and Cynthia stepped into the kitchen, against Nene’s wishes, to discuss last week’s Peter showdown. For a minute, it actually seemed like things were going fine – they hugged, Cynthia gave her a little gift to smooth things over, Nene promised that she valued their friendship. And then, just when I thought we were going to have a sweet, normal moment, things went straight off the rails when Cynthia presented Nene with a friend contract. The typed document stated that they were required to be friends for a year, renewing automatically, and it had all kinds of stipulations about deaths and certified mail and the president, which sounds like I made it up but I didn’t. Nene seemed appropriately horrified but smiled and nodded so as to not provoke the crazy lady.

Nene finally managed to escape back to the fat-zapping room to be with Sheree and Kim, who were seeming positively sane by comparison. And that’s saying a lot, since Kim was laying under the zapper, eating a piece of pizza and a chicken finger. And really, if that doesn’t give you an utterly perfect snapshot of Kim’s entire existence, I’m not sure what would. It’s Kim in a single dramatic tableau. Even if you’ve never seen a single episode of this entire show in your life, you could watch that one scene and know exactly what to expect from her. She also let us know that she flies to LA once every five weeks to have her hair done, and I’m not even talking about her wig. I’m talking about the hair under her wig, which no one ever sees. I can’t even make a joke about that, because it’s already a joke.

The gathering of the week was the debut of Sheree’s play, and while Lawrence was doing her hair beforehand, he brought up an interesting point – Peter and Nene should just sleep together and get it over with already. They’ve had sexual tension since the mother’s day dinner all those weeks ago, and nothing will make you passive-aggressively bicker with someone faster than wanting to bone them but not being able to. I think that’s what’s going on here.

Let’s not think about that too hard, though, because not only is it kind of icky but we need to talk about Sheree’s play. And when I say “Sheree’s play,” I mean that loosely, because she had almost no part in the thing based on what we saw. Despite the fact that she hardly had any lines and did a middling job at best, Sheree later declared herself ready for film work, sort of like she was ready to be a designer because she has tried on a lot of clothes in her lifetime. And we all know how well that went.

After the play, Phaedra and Cynthia ran into each other and Phaedra got angry about Cynthia asking about the baby, which doesn’t make any sense. Phaedra went around telling everyone who would listen that she was being induced at only seven months pregnant, and if she didn’t want questions, she should have either told the truth or thought of a better lie. Phaedra then accused Cynthia of calling the baby an alien, which Cynthia didn’t even do – it was Kim, which Dwight told her earlier in the episode but she apparently forgot. No matter; the facts of a situation have never stopped any of these women from having a fight before, so why should they start dictating things now?

In a fit of adulthood that stood in stark contrast to Phaedra and Cynthia’s altercation, Peter and Nene also met up outside of the play to smooth some things out, and that’s actually what they did. Who woulda thunk, eh? Peter and Nene both sort of apologized, said that things would be fine and secretly wanted to rip each others’ clothes off. But they didn’t! Restraint is such a rare thing to see on this show. Since Cynthia eventually marries the dude, let’s go ahead and assume that Nene and Peter never do the horizontal mambo so that we can all put that thought straight out of our heads. It’s Monday, and I don’t need to be thinking about stuff like that.

Kim and Nene then got together at Twist to have lunch, and whenever I eat at Twist, I always expect to see a Housewife there. And they were right, the calamari is good! If you ever find yourself there, try it. Nene and Kim quickly ditched their food to sit outside and smoke, though, even though Nene smokes like a high schooler trying to pretend that she’s done it for years, honey. Over cigarettes, Nene said that maybe she wanted to date a white guy next, which I don’t really believe. Just because Kim found a white guy with a nice ass doesn’t mean they’re a dime a dozen out there. Believe me. I know of which I speak.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Mimi

    Loved your recap as always Amanda! I just want to say that Dwight looked like a straight out ridiculous fool in that outfit and instead of opening the door, I would have called the police! You’re so correct about Phaedra. If she had just said, “Guess what folks? I’m pregnant and I’m getting married,” she wouldn’t be the butt of jokes. People would have said “okay great” and moved on. This is almost 2011, so to “pretend” your full term baby is premature then get indignant when people talk about you….well….I don’t have words…….

  • erica

    The minute that nurse line was uttered I knew you were using it. Awesome recap as always!

    Nene is right about calamri. I only like the rings but never had the guts to order just those. I may next time.

    So much to discuss…first off, Cynthia’s letter was obviously not serious. I think other aspects of her took her to CrazyTown long before that letter. But, I mean like she’d really get the president to sign off? If I had Nene for a friend I would be so intimidated by her overpowering personality I might resort to notes and letters to get through to her too! Obviously Cynthia’s funnier on paper. But when she asked Miss Thing (Phaedra) about her nine months that was dumb. It was like watching a tiny guppie about to be eaten by a shark.

    If Nene ever flirted with MY man like that I’d jump up and punch her lights out! WARNING: EVEN BEST FRIENDS MAY TRY TO TAKE YOUR MAN! It happens all the time Cynthia, get a clue.

    Kim danced for 16 years? She must have thought lap dancing was dancing.

    • Cynthia’s joke was probably kind of funny when she was thinking it up, but damn, it got weird really quickly when she actually pulled out those sheets of paper.

  • AshleyG

    Yeah, I’m thinking Crazy Bat’s friend contract would have gone over better if it had been a spur-of-the-moment post-it/napkin at lunch type of thing. The premeditated nature of it all was really REALLY creepy. And to Peter and NeNe’s makeup session- something just ain’t right in the water with those two and I’m even angrier at Crazy Bat for letting it all go down like that!

  • BLynnT

    Great recap, as always. I actually found myself feeling sorry for Cynthia. The friend contract was definitely weird, but to me, it seemed like another aspect of her being afraid of getting married, like if things stayed the same between Peter & Nene, getting married means she would lose Nene as a friend, so she came up with this obviously silly idea to make herself feel better. Just my opinion, and that was a really long run-on sentence so I’m just going to stop there.

  • Lis

    peace* instead of piece. Sorry just thought you would want to know. :) love your recaps!

    • Fixed it. Sometimes the turnaround time on these things prevents careful writing!

  • Pamela

    Forgot a period after “I think that’s what’s going on here” at the end of the paragraph.

    And OMG….U guys really think Cynthia’s crazy?? Now I’m prob gonna sound crazy but I saw it as a cute joke? To show how much she values their friendship, doesn’t want any drama so she made up a fake contract…Idk, I thought it was funny. I can kinda see how it’d get wierd once she made it seem all serious at the end. But she even says in the previews of the next episode that it was a joke.

  • PhotoGirl

    Dwight could have worn his hat to Taylor’s daughter’s birthday party, don’t you think? He’s just trapped in the wrong Zip Code, bless his heart.

    Last night’s episode was worth watching only because it was the lead-in for WWHL with Anderson Cooper and NeNe. Now wouldn’t THAT be a match made in Tabloid Heaven? You could call it the birth of the world’s most outrageous power couple or the Fall of the House of Vanderbilt. Or both. In any case, the thought makes me smile.

    BTW, Mr. Photo was astonished to discover that I was tweeting about RHOA with you, but I was even more astonished to learn that he knows who NeNe is. That makes me smile, too.

  • Manuela

    Yet another fantastic recap, Amanda; thank you! The RH series is now two distict experiences for me: an episode itself and then the Purse Blog commentary!

    Maybe this says more about me than anything else, but I just didn’t find Cynthia’s friend contract that creepy at all. She seemed to have thought it up as a cute joke and carried through with it by typing it up and presenting it. Meh. Though I do agree with a previous post that the idea seems like it may have come from a place of ambivalence regarding marrying Peter…

  • Handbag Lover

    Good Recap girl! Cynthia contract wasn’t that serious to me it was all in fun. I love the way that Phadera handled herself against them and their comments, it was her business and really the only reason she was making those comments to everyone because THEY were making a bigger deal of her due date then she was, I think she handled it well. Dwight looked like a Hot Plate of Mess, the end. Nene sigh, smh she was my girl but she really is getting on my nerves with her mouth. UGH She REALLY wanted Peter and she can say all she wanted but Stevie Wonder could she she wanted to ride the peter train. lol

  • EbonyLolita

    Your recaps give me LIFE!!! Bwahahahaha :O Accurate, Comical and soooo on point. I’ll be sharing this on my TVMafia group on FB :)

  • Amy

    I actually liked this weeks show. Fat Lasers, and Friendship Papers, that’s entertainment. My same thoughts on the Phaedra…all the way. Great Recap

  • ali

    I didn’t know you could get just the “rings” and not the testicles – tentacles, sorry, of calamari. I like the tentacles better, more crunchy. :)

    I was in a sushi bar the other night, and the woman sitting behind me ordered a glass of Cava, except she asked for ca va, like you would say in French, instead of how the wine is pronounced – KAH-vah. It made me think of the RHOA, in particular Phaedra. So, so wrong, but so earnest!

    And what was with the bags of vegetables and then the plate of cupcakes at Phaedra’s? That was one bizarre little scene.

  • Ladonna

    I couldn’t hardly believe that Phaedra was actually nursing that little alien-uh-oh-I mean baby, I mean, she didn’t even like the way her own baby looked when he first came out. I thought she was a bit too much heartless and cold towards that sweet little baby. She seemed to have gotten the hang of it though with walking to meet Dwight while he was latched on. Good grief, these women are too much. AND let me clear my throat!! Nene does want Peter and Cynthia better watch out because if my friend girl ever calls me up and says put your husband on the phone! its gonna be on like donkey kong! I can’t believe that a black woman didn’t check Nene at the time! I just keep watching to see what happens next.

  • mango

    NeNe delivered some WORLD CLASS hate in this episode.

    and Phaedra, I need to see this so-called “really cool person off camera” that the other housewives are claiming on Andy’s show

  • Sher

    Great Amanda. I do love me some crazy Kim. I believe the woman does really have a real nursing degree and worked as a nurse at one time before Big Papa.

  • LDJ

    Great Recap! I love the quote heading you used for this post. When Phaedra said that…I was done. LOL! But you had a point, she was the one who made it a topic…and had everyone talking, especially Kim. Even tho Kim is a lil crazy @ times, but she paid attention when she was in nursing school and to her docs before/after giving birth to her girls. Anyhoo…can’t wait til the next episode, Phaedra & Kim goes head to head. LOL

  • Bagolicious

    I cracked up on the stripper comment of Phaedra. I even wrote it down to tell friends.

    And the other comment that I also had to write down and that had me rolling was when Phaedra commented that Kim needs to get a hobby besides, “w(ho)-ing. I nearly fell out of bed!

    And the audacity of Sheree to make her Palin-esque comment that she’s now ready to move on to film. That one also pushed me to the edge of my bed.

    If laughter is good for one’s health, then I must be the healthiest person on the planet!

  • CL

    best recaps out there! & what is dwight thinking with his outfits this season?

  • Smith

    phaedra is REDONKULOUS. she made an off hand comment about cynthia living in a “gentrified” area and is passing judgement on kim. i’m sorry, but she’s a lying heifer married to an ex-convict. stop throwing stones outta your glass house girl!!! PS – tone down the eye shadow too! (ipad)

  • ninjaninja

    Does Kim really have a nursing degree? (ipad)

  • Alison J.

    These women are crazy … (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    haha too funny (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    lol (ipad)

  • Cindy

    It’s funny that this show has so many spin-offs, yet I haven’t caught one episode. (ipad)

  • Jen

    I’m loving that guy’s outfit. It’s not -everyday- you see a tophat. (ipad)

  • helen

    Oh my – what a picture to go with your post! (ipad)

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