Real Housewives of Atlanta fans, it has been far too long since we’ve seen each other. So long, in fact, that I had trouble remembering Cynthia’s name last night, but that might say more about her generally boring presence on the show than it does about the three week intermission that our Housewives so cruelly took over the holidays.
They were back at it last night though, with more talk of alien babies and southern traditions and what Kim will and will not do on a tour bus. Somewhere in there, Phaedra called Sheree a dime piece, but let’s never speak of that again, ok? But since I’m snowed in and couldn’t leave if I wanted to, it’s time to talk about the rest of last night’s shenanigans.
We started with Phaedra, who was planning a “Sip & See” party for everyone she knows to come over, get drunk and look at her kid. Because Phaedra is obsessed with being as stereotypically southern as possible, she discussed the impending party with Apollo while pealing a giant bowl of peaches for no reason in particular except for some vague mention of “preserves.” While these peaches met their untimely deaths, she and Apollo once again expressed their immense distaste at Kim’s insistence that her baby might be an alien, at which point it occurred to me that Phaedra might actually not realize that calling the baby an alien was a joke. But then again, this is the woman who wore an entire centerpiece in her hair; jokes doesn’t really exist in her world.
Over at Cynthia’s house, things were similarly unpleasant. Peter’s restaurant wasn’t doing well and he was having problems finding investors, and Cynthia wanted him to sell it so that they can put the money toward a wedding. She wasn’t clear about how that would help them continue to survive long-term, as far as mortgage payments or bills or being business owners go, but she was very clear that they needed to have a fancy wedding. Cynthia had very valid points about her personal cash investment in the business and how Peter keeps her in the dark, but putting those alongside a bunch of carping about a wedding that can be postponed or scaled down just made the whole thing seem petty.
Later in the episode, Cynthia and Peter sat down at home with Hill Harper, who is an actor and not a therapist in any way, to have a “couple’s therapy” session where they yelled at each other about the restaurant (which is now closed, if anyone cares) and then were instructed to tell each other what they love about each other. Peter had a hard time coming up with anything other than physical attributes for a second, but he verbally stumbled in to, “Uhhh, yeah, your soul,” and got himself off the hook.
Meanwhile, it was time for the Sip & See at Phaedra’s, which I intend to continue capitalizing for reasons that even I myself to not entirely understand. Everyone showed up to look but not touch, give gifts and drink some free booze and eat some finger food, but I’m not convinced that a Sip & See is an actual thing, and based on an informal Twitter survey during last night’s episode, neither are most of you. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but I also wouldn’t put it past Phaedra to fabricate a reason to have a party and receive presents out of whole cloth.
While everyone else ate, drank and talked amongst themselves, Phaedra and Kim took things outside so that Kim could smoke a cigarette and prove her nursing credentials. She had claimed to be an RN in the previous episode eight months ago, but her State of Connecticut license said LPN, but hey, she’s a nurse. Phaedra was wrong. That’s the upshot of all of this. They made some small talk about working hard to feed a family and doing what you have to do, but really, who cares? If no one’s flipping a table or tugging a wig, it’s time to move on to the next scene. This show isn’t about solving problems, it’s about starting them and holding on for dear life until the TV network that underpays you to make a fool of yourself in front of god and everybody couldn’t possibly squeeze anymore airtime out of said problem.
In Nene’s corner of the world, she was barefoot and shooting some in-studio stuff for her fake job as a local entertainment reporter. Living in Atlanta, I’ve seen Nene’s local TV work in the wild, so to speak, and she’s…uh…not particularly good. Being on camera is hard when you’re doing things other than acting crazy, swilling booze and hollering about people’s husbands and wigs and vajayjays. Lines? Lines are hard, y’all. So is holding a microphone and speaking at the same time.
At Kim’s house, she and Sweetie were preparing for her Kandi’s bus tour by shooting Kim full of vitamin B12 and terrifying her children, which were actually separate incidents. Her oldest daughter was freaked out by the fact that both Kim and Sweetie would be leaving on the tour for a full week, which struck me as kind of odd. Kim leaving was one thing, but Sweetie too? Perish the thought. Bring on the tears. We don’t want to live in a world without Sweetie in it.
In Brielle’s defense, she is still a kid. Nene, on the other hand, has no such excuse for her failings in this episode. She went to interview Jermaine Dupri and made an absolute horse’s ass of herself by bringing her kid along, doing no background research into Jermaine’s career and asking inane questions that Jermaine clearly had no interest in answering. So much so, in fact, that he chose to distract her with an impromptu basketball game. Because Nene is more interested in being friends with celebrities than she is in doing her fake job, she took off her shoes, got on the court and completely forgot about the need to ask questions in order to technically consider what you’re doing “interviewing.”
Speaking of people making asses of themselves, Kim proved herself to be not exactly the person with whom you want to be confined to a bus for a week. She wants to smoke inside, she doesn’t want to sleep in a bunk, she doesn’t want to hear any instructions from Kandi’s assistant and she’s generally a spoiled brat. They took her to a little hole-in-the-wall redneck bar, presumably somewhere between Atlanta and Charlotte, so that she could get her daily serving of white wine and Kandi’s assistant, Don Juan (he appeared to be serious about that name), could have a chance to call her a hippo and a homewrecker outside the confines of the bus. Because doing so inside would have resulted in a full-scale brawl and possibly a serious bus accident, I’m going to call this decision a net win.
Not that such things aren’t likely to happen in the future. After Sweetie wrangled Kim into getting dressed and pointed her at the stage, the show went just fine and everyone loaded back onto the bus, only to find that Kim and Sweetie still hadn’t managed to come to terms with the fact that they’d be sleeping on a bus, thereby causing them to wake up all of the sane people who were just trying to get a little shut-eye. They might throw those two into traffic yet.
With all of that in mind, though, I have just one question for us to ponder until next week’s Kim/Nene Smackdown 2011 – how did Kroy Biermann send flowers to a bus?
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