Finding words is normally not a problem for me, but I’m having a genuinely difficult time figuring out how to express my glee at the return of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sure, they’re my hometown housewives, so I’m a little biased in my adoration for them. I think last night exhibited ample evidence that this group is also the best group in an objective sense, though.

What did we get in our hour-long premiere? A funeral, a singing hearse, sex toys, Miss Jay, a horse and buggy, gold plates and cutlery and a screaming match that got quite literally taken outside. And that’s to say nothing of the outfits, the giant necklaces and the weaves galore. Sheree’s was the best, though. Obviously.

We started with Kim, because Kim is really the only place to start. Kim might also be my spirit animal, but we’ll talk more about that during one of those mid-season episodes where nothing happened; we don’t have time for it now. Anyway, as we all know, Kim was extremely pregnant and wearing some sort of lace-inset shiny polyester tube dress with no bra, because of course she was, that’s obvious maternity wear.

The setup for this scene was that Kim and Kroy are moving into a giant house together so they needed to get Kim’s eight houses worth of furniture out of storage to fill it up, but mostly all we saw was Kroy throwing stuff in the back of a truck while Kim sat a few yards away in an air-conditioner car and talked about his ass. It’s moments like these where I wonder why anyone bothers to watch any of the Housewives cities other than Atlanta, and also I wonder if it’s bad that Kim and her overpriced SUV and her tacky clothes and giant wig make me just a tad homesick for Atlanta?

Elsewhere, Nene wanted to buy her deadbeat kid a car. Bryson is the Ashley of Real Housewives of Atlanta, because not only is he still living in his mama’s house despite promises to move out, but he crashed the first car Nene bought for him and now she’s buying him another one so that he can “run errands” for her. (In reality, she’s buying it because she secretly thinks that having an adult son without a car makes her look poor.) In Nene’s defense, she didn’t take Bryson out to buy a new car like Jacqueline did for Ashley; instead she took him to a used car lot owned by someone she used to date in college and made him pick from what they had so that she could get an “I used to sleep with you” discount.

After she wrote the check, Nene bragged about paying cash for the car, which only cost $13,500. That’s a decent chunk of change to a regular person, but for someone who supposedly got on a reality show for being rich in the first place and should only have gotten richer since then, it’s probably not an amount over which one should be bragging. Remember, Lisa gave her a daughter a necklace worth three times that much on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last week. Of course, that’s one of the things that I love so much about the Atlanta housewives – they’re so easily impressed with themselves.

In the premiere’s obligatory recording studio scene, Sheree let Miss Lawrence sing a few bars for the camera before she launched into her complaints about Nene’s sabotaging ways. According to Sheree, she invited Nene to join her on a paid appearance, but Nene tried to go behind her back and get Sheree’s fee reduced, and logic would dictate that was either to curry favor with the booker or so that so she could ask for more money for herself. Sheree blamed this on Nene’s stint on Celebrity Apprentice, which prompted a hilarious clip of Nene ready to go all HULK SMASH on LaToya Jackson. It is my fervent hope that all of the Atlanta housewives eventually go on another reality show, if only so that we may have more clips of their bad behavior to feature on this one.

Meanwhile, Cynthia met with America’s Next Top Model‘s Miss Jay to have lunch and discuss her new modeling agency (or is it a modeling school?). Surprisingly, she’s still married to…whatever his name was. I don’t remember. It’s not Gregg, he was Nene’s husband…anyway, it doesn’t really matter. It looks from the previews that Apollo might smack him in the mouth later in the season, and I’ll relearn his name by then. I promise. Peter? It might have been Peter.

Once inside the modeling class (or try-outs? Which one was it?), no one was impressive. Miss Jay didn’t dropkick anyone, much to my eternal disappointment, but he did do a pretty expert job of making fun of people’s runway walks, including the “black girl who knows everything” and the “white girl at the mall.” And then two people did those exact walks, and they didn’t seem to understand the humor. Cynthia swears that Atlanta is going to turn into a fashion city any day now, but Miss Jay and I are similarly dubious. I’m also dubious about whether the agency or modeling school or whatever it is actually exists beyond a website and a Twitter account, but perhaps that’s just my Real Housewives cynicism showing.

And then, finally, FINALLY, it was time for our eyeshadow-spackled goddess, Phaedra Parks, the only woman in the world who puts her makeup on with a paintball gun. We started at a funeral home, which was unfortunately not Phaedra‘s funeral home, but I assume we’ll get to that eventually. Phaedra was making the arrangements for her great aunt’s funeral, which would have been sad if Phaedra hadn’t been out to make it the event of the season, complete with a horse-drawn carriage, men in top hats and a singing hearse. The hearse sang? What? And can we talk about Phaedra’s choice of neckwear throughout this scene, both at the funeral home and in her interview? Does she buy her necklaces by the pound?

After Phaedra was done auditioning carriage horses, she and Sheree met with perpetually late Kandi at a sex shop to discuss Kandi’s possible future sex toy line. (Not a joke!) According to Phaedra, Kandi was late because she’s on Colored People Time, but I’m white (painfully white), so I’m not sure exactly how much I’m allowed to make fun of that. Talk amongst yourselves! Anyway, there was plenty of other stuff to make fun of, not least of which was Phaedra hopping up on The Liberator sex wedge for a demonstration. And not just any demonstration – we got both doggy style and full, legs-in-the-air missionary. PHAEDRA PARKS, I MISSED YOU AND YOUR DAY-GLO MAKEUP SO MUCH.

Elsewhere, Kim was being so painfully Kim that it nearly brought me to tears of happiness. She had Sweetie heat up some leftover baked ziti and jalapeños, which Kim ate in bed because she is too pregnant to stop herself from doing that kind of thing. The ziti came with a gold fork on a gold-trimmed plate that Kim yelled at Sweetie for putting in the microwave, but the yelling soon ceased when Kim started shoving the food in her mouth. She dropped a jalapeño and the dog stole it, right after the dog licked the phone and accidentally hung up on Kroy. Just another day in the life of Kim and her wig.

We then transferred to Phaedra’s great aunt’s funeral, which she had to officiate at the last minute because the funeral director she chose was out of town. How convenient for our storyline! The singing hearse was there, looking like a Cadillac version of an El Camino, and so were the horses and the tophats, just as Phaedra had hoped so that people would be talking about the funeral for days to come. The service ended with Phaedra giving a shout out to the sinners in the crowd, and a new funeral director was born.

Next up, naturally, was the premiere brawl that we were all promised. Nene and Sheree got together at Atlantic Station (that will only be funny to people who live or have lived in Atlanta) to discuss their differences, and since we’ve all become previously acquainted to both of these heifers, it should surprise no one that the conversation immediately turned into a screaming match over veneers, repossessed cars, who’s rich and who’s not and whether Sheree should call Tyrone. First, let’s consult with one Miss Erykah Badu:

As it turned out, Sheree agreed with Erykah and she called Tyrone, despite Nene’s hollering and scene-making and general distraction tactics. Tyrone was glad to repeat his accusations for the group – Nene had tried to have Sheree’s fee lowered after Sheree referred her for the event. Naturally, that sent Nene into a tailspin. First she was appalled that Sheree would believe Tyrone over her because Sheree hadn’t known him very long, and I don’t entirely understand that line of reasoning. Only knowing someone for a short period of time doesn’t mean they’re any less capable of telling the truth than someone you’ve known to be a little shady and self-centered for your entire friendship. (That would be Nene.) Particularly when that person is willing to repeat his accusations publicly, I’m inclined to believe him.

Nene’s next course of action was to yell about how rich she is that she wouldn’t need to take money out of someone else’s pocket, but I’ve never known a rich person (if Nene even is rich, which seems like a big “if” with almost all the Real Housewives) to turn down a chance to get a little more money if possible. After all, this does seem like behavior well within Nene’s personality. We’ve met this woman before. This isn’t our first time at the Nene rodeo. She’ll take a dollar where she can get it, just like most reality TV stars. If she can take it from someone else, even better!

It’s also not our first time at the Sheree rodeo, though, which means that what happened next shouldn’t have surprised us either. When Nene’s first two tactics of defensiveness didn’t work to change Sheree’s mind, she decided to get up and storm out, thereby forcing the accusations to stop. Naturally, Sheree got up and chased her into the parking lot, heckling her about her veneers (which are objectively bad, although maybe not worthy of public shaming) the entire way. Sheree’s favorite weekend activity is yelling at people on sidewalks, and Nene better just be glad that her weave isn’t longer, because Sheree totally would have tugged it. Nene’s nine feet tall, though, so Sheree couldn’t reach that far. Maybe she’ll bring a step stool next week.

I thought we were going to be done there, but then we got an extra bonus scene of Nene at Cynthia’s house after the argument, boohooing about how mean Sheree is. Ladies, this is why Kim’s my favorite – remember last season, when Nene got in her face and called her every bad name in the book? Kim didn’t shed a tear. She didn’t even break stride! Say some stuff about Nene’s teeth and her car, though, and suddenly it’s the end of the world. Adjust your wig and get on with it, lady. We’ve got a lot more episodes to go.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Fallonlatrece

    OMG I missed RHOA. Last night was just the hilarity I needed to end my week. Kim is still Kim, and I like her and Kroy. I want to see more of their relationship because I do think it’s real, and they really love each other. Not that Kim K and Kris Humpheries kind of love either (you know the fake it till we get all the money we can kind of love).

    Phaedra is quickly becoming my fav, she seems so real, in a bad but oh so good kind of way. FYI Amanda, I asked my twitter friends where Phaedra buys her necklaces from and everyone said Greenbriar Mall. Sounds plausible to me.

    • cca.

      I AM WEAK!!! LMAO!! Not Greenbriar. Not Mrs Phaedra Full of S&IT! LOL.

      I look forward to these recaps Amanda. RHOA is pure Comedy

    • Greenbriar *snort* I bet she’d come upside your head for saying that. “THIS IS FROM PHIPPS. I ONLY SHOP AT PHIPPS. MAYBE LENOX IF I HAVE TO.”

  • Lisa in Ohio

    I have never watched RHOA. I am totally hooked BH and NY…now I am going to have to add Atlanta to my list just to read your blogs!! Next week…I am in! Amanda, you are too clever and too funny!!

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Welcome New Lisa! :)

    I just wanted to add that I would LOVE to attend one of Phaedra’s parties/events/ funerals. Can you really tell the difference between a Phaedra Funeral – a Phaedra Baby Shower or a Phaedra Party? I think not! I know my jaw would be on the ground and my eyes as big as stars. Kind of like your first trip to Disney World. :) Invite me!!!

  • Lorie

    I’m SO glad you thought the singing hearse looked like an El Camino! That was my first thought too. ROFL!

    The guy who released the dove pretty much tossed it like he was throwing out the last piece of KFC to the dogs. That made me chuckle too.

    Someone on Twitter last night said that in the Season Finale, Sheree will stab Nene and Phaedra will make the funeral arrangements.

    Last night was so epic. I’m so glad they’re back!!

    • Lorie

      Bonus points for the Erykah Badu!

      • I’ve had that Erykah Badu song stuck in my head since Sheree started yelling about calling Tyrone last night, and it shows no signs of leaving. Although, I will say, there are much worse songs to have stuck in your head.

  • Reality Junkie

    I laughed out loud several times watching this episode, but not nearly as hard as I laughed reading this recap.

  • Ms. Z

    Nene, that dragon built beast, lol….loves to stand up and get in someone’s face. What was the point of Nene calling her friend Diana or Diane (whomever)? I believe Tyrone as well, because he didn’t hesitate to repeat what he told Sheree. By the way Nene’s son is worst than Ashley (God I hated typing that) but it is the truth. He has been arrested maybe twice and you buy him a car, REALLY. I don’t care if it WAS for television it was still stupid…

  • suz

    Thank you, thank you, Amanda. Phew….the over-the-top outrageousness of Atlanta is back and you’ve reminded us why RHOA is so much fun! My favorite moments…..Kim….in particular her maternity dress/nightgown…or what ever. Who would ever wear that sleezy, ugly thing? …and the baked ziti!! OMG! She seems to have gotten the memo that you can get airtime without being a phoney drama queen….OK…maybe tacky.

  • dbl d

    she was the only person on her team who failed to win a challenge. Listening to hear talk about the Trump show like she was triumphant is truly a revision of the facts.

    And so glad that Sheree finally said something about NeNe’s grill though. It is awful looking at that mess, always on display because NeNe is forever yelling at folks; therefore, her yuk mouth is always on camera. And if I were NeNe, I would not brag about already spending big bucks on dental work because whoever gave her that malocclusion of Chiclet looking upper teeth needs to go back to dental school, or maybe that’s the best that could be expected because the lowers are a real mess too. She needs to start over investing some of that cash on her mouth, since she’s so rich now, especially since it is her moneymaker.

    • dbl d

      oops–the comment that follows is complete

    • Mimi

      “…malocclusion of Chiclet looking upper teeth..” Laughing in my throat, about to choke, because I’m reading this in the office while trying to look busy and professional!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • dbl d

    I remember NeNe quitting The Apprentice to avoid her fate of being fired. In fact she was the only person on her team who failed to win a challenge. Listening to hear talk about the Trump show like she was triumphant is truly a revision of the facts.

    And so glad that Sheree finally said something about NeNe’s grill though. It is awful looking at that mess, always on display because NeNe is forever yelling at folks; therefore, her yuk mouth is always on camera. And if I were NeNe, I would not brag about already spending big bucks on dental work because whoever gave her that malocclusion of Chiclet looking upper teeth needs to go back to dental school, or maybe that’s the best that could be expected because the lowers are a real mess too. She needs to start over investing some of that cash on her mouth, since she’s so rich now, especially since it is her moneymaker.

  • Bagolicious

    It’s all so Southern “buorshetto” (bourgeois plus ghetto), as Kandi called it last season. One needs to really understand the culture to really appreciate and understand humor in it. I laugh myself into a tizzy every episode. It can’t get any rawer than this. And Phaedra just stands out a mile from the rest. Love it. LOL!

  • Irene

    LOL!!! OMG! Amanda you’re so hilarious. I have never watched any of The Real Housewives show (I’m living in Germany) but I’m looking forward to your every recap and this got me rolling on the floor!

  • Bagolicious

    Correction: “…..understand the humor in it.”.

  • mochababe73

    “Nene’s nine feet tall, though, so Sheree couldn’t reach that far. Maybe she’ll bring a step stool next week.” LOL!
    Kim and Kroy are cute. I like him, and I think that he’ll take Kim’s over-the-topness all in stride.
    I guess that Kandi wants to be known as the freak of the show. I’m surprised that you didn’t mention the music playing vibrator that bumps to the beat of whatever song is playing. That scares me.
    Phaedra is the only reason why I watch the show. Well, NeNe, too. I love her, but that singing hearse was ‘hood. I was expecting it to start playing Gin and Juice at any moment. Oh yeah, I am black, and I know alot of people, not just my people, that are on CP time.
    Sheree has lost a house and a Bentley. People. Glass houses. Stones. The only thing that Sheree could talk about was old stuff. Personally, I think that she’s jealous.
    Instead of NeNe buying Bryson a car, the money probably should have been giving o her grandchild. I swear I remember Bryson having a baby mama.
    On to Beverly Hills!

  • Bagolicious

    I forgot to add that when the hearse started playing music, it was time to just pick me up off of the floor. Now, I thought I had seen and heard of about everything, but that one took me by surprise. I have never been to a funeral with a music-playing hearse. I’ll have to ring my friends and demand that they watch the episode. Double LOL!

    • jomarie

      It couldn’t have been a repurposed Good Humor truck, could it?

  • pg1908

    shout out to the sinners!! i thought I was the only one who caught that one. LOL…Does anyone else think that Kim’s dog is trying to give giggy a run for his money? That darn dog was so cute (esp. when the camera zoomed in on it licking it’s paws/face at the same time). Couldn’t focus on anything else in that scene but that.

  • Mili

    Wow!! I read all of that and now I don’t even have to watch the show. I missed it but thank you for the update!!!!

  • Ashley

    I can’t figure out if Kim is in on her craziness or not. Also, there is now way that woman is only in her early 30’s. She looks like a hard-ridden 40 something year old. Hope she gave up smoking for good.

    • I remember someone came forward with her high school yearbook after the first season, and somehow she IS the age she says she is. Remember kids, don’t smoke. I also think the wig and the amount of makeup she wears ages her a bit. Kim’s an attractive woman, she could tone it down a tad and probably look more her age.

  • Jess

    This is the most entertaining write-up you’ve done in a long time. I loved it almost as much as I love Kim! I really did miss her. Thank god someone called Nene out on those teeth of hers. WTF? That big gaping hole on the bottom gets me each time I see it.

    • Purse Mommy

      You are right on with Nene’s teeth especially the bottom ones.

    • I’m glad you enjoyed the recap! I think my Atlanta ones tend to be my best because I love the show so much and the ladies are so funny. They takes themselves a little less seriously than most of the other cities.

  • suz

    I just tried to watch Beverly Hills…..and all I can say is…..these Atlanta ladies are so-o-o-o much more amusing. Also, Phaedra’s hat would have even been a show stopper at the royal wedding

  • Mimi

    NeNe has gotten so used to bullying with her height and loud mouthed craziness that she forgot Sheree can “go there” too! (Surely we remember the event planner shout down?) I’m not a Sheree fan either, but I enjoyed seeing NeNe and Sheree go at it word for word. If NeNe had been a dog, she would have been making a yelping sound as she ran out the door with her tail between her legs. As for NeNe later playing victim and crying to Cynthia……really?!

  • CacklingHens

    OMG, what a great recap! I was smiling like a little kid on Sunday when that came on. I still can’t stand Nene, Phaedra is hilarious and she doesn’t even know it. I don’t know why but I almost died laughing when she gave them the thumbs up at the funeral. She is very animated that one. I like Sheree because she knows when to get in “take a bitch down mode” real quick. When dealing with Nene you have no choice but to get loud and dirty, that’s the only thing she knows and responds to. I still beam when I think of the way Kandi shut her down the 2nd season. She was all up in her face until Kandi shut her down. She uses that massive body to intimidate people and as short as Kandi and Sheree are, they will have her crying like the little bitch that she is in minutes. You’ve got to fight fire with fire!

    I can’t wait for the rest of the season.

    • Mimi

      I remember that scene with Kandi. As little as Kandi is next to NeNe, after she got that crazy look in her eye, NeNe backed off!

  • Laura

    “Just another day in the life of Kim and her wig.”

    Kim is by far my favorite! Her over-the-topness is crazy and Kroy’s ass IS quite nice.

    So glad the Atlanta ladies are back!

  • Kristen

    I never have gotten into RHOA due to NeNe’s constant screaming at anyone and everyone.
    That is till Phaedra. I swear I was laughing out loud so hard at her I almost fell of the couch Sunday with her finding her calling in funereal homes. She is TOO much in a good way!! Kim’s really amusing too. Great recap.

    • suz

      I’m with you. it took a lot for me to get engaged with this group because of NeNe’s screaming. But, now I laugh my way through and just hit the mute button when NeNe comes on the scene. She is pretty awful, but the rest are so funny…especially Phaedra and Kim.

  • beaucz

    I have to agree. Even with Nene and Sheree screaming at each other in a very public location, this was a funny episode. Phaedra is priceless. Kinda weird finding amusement in someones funeral but…….it was chuckle worthy. Still not over her Sip and See, hahahahahaha

  • Manuela

    I’m going to preface by saying this…I love watching Kim on this show. Love. Love.

    I’m digging Kroy’s addtion to the show and the rapport he and Kim seem to have. Dig. Dig.

    BUT…my hubby said it at the same time I did while watching this episode this week…That young man has made one of the biggest financial mistakes of his life, getting involved with Kim. That woman spends other peoples’ (read:men’s) money like nothing I’ve seen on TV or real life! In fact, I cannot understand how she can maintain the lifestyle she’s grown entitled to without Big Papa’s, erm, ‘help’; no way Kroy makes enough NFL money to cover what Kim blows through. No way.

  • Manuela

    On a seperate note…Phaedra IS my new favorite housewife, full stop. She is a knockdown, dragout RIOT and no, she has no idea of how hysterical she is!

    Did anyone else catch her newly-cultivated ‘funeral director’ tone that she’s using in her interviews? That alone makes me laugh out loud!

    Thanks Atlanta, for almost washing the taste of New Jersey out of my mouth. A few more episodes should do the trick fully.

    • jomarie

      Phaedra is way too good at this not to know how amusing she is. Remember the “tasteful” pregnancy photo shoot? Her take on pickle cravings had me howling until I cried.

  • Bagolicious

    “15
    pg1908 11/7/11 19:39
    shout out to the sinners!! i thought I was the only one who caught that one. LOL”

    When I heard the shout-out-to-the-sinners line, I went into laughing hysteria. The first thing I thought of was her being pregnant before marriage and lying all the way through the pregnancy. Was she sending a shout out to herself? LOL!

  • J Umm

    mega lols

  • Deb

    My fav line, “That heifer back-doored me.”

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