Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was a whole lot of awkwardness and boringness and nothingness wrapped into an hour of ill-advised television. Bravo, listen to me and listen good: We don’t want to know anything about our Housewives’ sex lives. We’d prefer to think that they’re all smooth like Barbies below the waist. Please take that into consideration for future seasons.

The episode did have one redeeming element, which was the screaming match between LuAnn and Alex that took up the last ten minutes of the show. Unfortunately, it took us 50 minutes to get there, and it’s going to take us approximately 1500 words to do the same, after the jump.

The beginning of last night’s episode was rather inauspicious. Our first stop on our first night back from Morocco was in a hotel room with Ramona, who was waiting to have to a romantic evening with Godot. Err, Mario. Her husband Mario. Who was late. And there she sat with rose petals on the floor, marking the path from the door to her, which was completely unnecessary because it was just a regular hotel room. Not a suite! You could see Ramona from the door. If Ramona’s hair gets any bigger, I think we’ll actually be able to see her from space.

While Ramona was hooked up to her pinot grigio IV waiting for Mario, we departed momentarily to visit Alex and Simon in Brooklyn, who were cooking, eating and preparing for awkward sexytime of their own. The first 15 minutes of the episode were all about Real Housewives sexytime, bouncing back and forth between Alex and Ramona and their respective husbands. Except only one couple also had a short talk about whether or not there was another woman.

Mario’s lack of reaction to such a random question about his fidelity didn’t seem satisfying at all to me, and that’s probably because the entire scene was so planned and staged that he already knew the fortune teller had said something about him cheating and that Ramona would be asking about it. The explanation that I much prefer, however, is that Mario actually is cheating and he’s just not a very good actor, and that some mistress with great timing will sell her story to a tabloid and we’ll all read about it later this week. But either way, when your wife of 17 years asks you if you’re cheating on her, I would think that you could summon up more emotion than, “Nope, I only have eyes for you, sweetie.”

We briefly departed that horror show to rejoin the Brooklyn horror show, already in progress. Alex and Simon had moved on to the lingerie modeling portion of the evening, which was thankfully less risque than the lingerie modeling that we saw on Real Housewives of Miami but still incredibly awkward nonetheless. I’m not sure why Bravo has decided that we all want to see our Real Housewives pre-coitus, but they are wrong. WRONG. Plus, I think it puts us on a slippery slope; if every season has to top the last, and we’re seeing our housewives wearing lingerie and slathering massage oil on their husbands, I shudder to think what kind of too-hot-for-TV DVD set Andy Cohen will be shilling next season.

Speaking of that massage oil, that crime against humanity was going on over at Ramona’s hotel room. Mario had disrobed to the waist and instead of rubbing his back, Ramona decided to rub his…front. BUT NOT LIKE THAT. Get your minds out of the gutter, people. But it was almost as gross, don’t get me wrong. Ramona then moved on to Mario’s feet, where we got a momentary reprieve from the earnest sexuality of the scene while she felt the need to really lean in to the massage. She was like Sisyphus trying to push that boulder up the hill, except she was wearing a negligee.

FINALLY, WE MOVED ON TO A SINGLE HOUSEWIFE. There was no sexytime with Cindy, who got together with her brother and one of her business partners to look at pictures from Morocco. Except Cindy wasn’t in any of the pictures because in a fit of maturity and wisdom, Sonja had cropped her out of all of them. Or, more accurately, Sonja made one of her houseboys crop Cindy out of all of them because Sonja does not know how to use Photoshop. She probably doesn’t know how to use a computer at all and thinks her email account lives inside of her Blackberry, sort of like my dad. Except dear old dad has an excuse, because he’s 20 years older than Sonja.

Speaking of Sonja, we then accompanied her and a non-housewife friend to get a facial from a trollish doctor that Sonja seemed to want to have sex with, furthering my belief that Sonja thinks everyone is sexy, so long as they have a pulse and something to offer her in the way of a financial or ego boost. Anyway, the facial that Sonja had chosen was so expensive that she didn’t want to tell us the price, but she did want to mention that it was really, really expensive, just to make sure we knew. Unfortunately, in the middle of her relaxation, someone dropped the bankruptcy bomb. Apparently she had been hoping that no one would notice that she filed for nearly $20 million in debt, but in case you were worried, she wanted everyone to know that she pays her credit card bills and mortgage every month.

We then had a brief interlude where LuAnn went on a date with her adorable French boyfriend, but I’m choosing to ignore it because he seems to be far too nice and charming and smart for LuAnn.

Next up was aHousewives focus group for Jill’s shapewear line with Cindy, Alex and Sonja. Sonja tried to sneak in and not be noticed, but since there were cameras and only a couple of other people in the small showroom, they caught her and immediately starting asking about her financial situation and what they had read in the papers. Because Jill has no tact (which is annoying in real life, I’m sure, but very convenient for the viewers at home), she grilled Sonja about exactly what she owes and to whom.

Alex thought those questions were completely inappropriate, naturally, because she’s on the blonde team with Sonja. She also thought it was inappropriate that Jill didn’t invite Ramona, because Ramona knows fashion-y things! Personally, I couldn’t care less who Jill invites or doesn’t invite to her stupid, self-indulgent focus group for her line of girdles. I’m far more interested in the fact that not only is Jill an amateur doctor and dentist, as we’ve learned previously, but she’s also an accountant, bankruptcy attorney and personal haberdasher to her husband. She will also grout your tile, caulk your tub and unclog your toilet. Jill is a human Swiss Army knife.

After the focus group, Alex ran straight to Ramona to tattle on Jill. Apparently the whole “don’t snitch” thing hasn’t caught on in New York yet, so they sat and drank their cocktails and happily talked smack about how Jill loves it when other people are down and hates it when they’re up. We already knew that. Bethenny figured that out last season. That entire conversation has already taken place in previous episodes of Real Housewives, it just involved other people. Bravo, listen to me: If we can’t stop having this conversation at some point, you’re going to need to recast this show.

In a slightly more serious conversation, Ramona went to visit Sonja and talk about bankruptcy and whatnot, and Sonja revealed that she might lose her home because of the massive judgement against her. Although Sonja has been kind of insane this season, it was hard not to feel bad for her. She married well and seemed to have mistaken that for being an actual, successful person on her own, and when she was charged with using the spoils of her divorce to turn herself into a businesswoman, she failed. It’s easy to snicker at that as part of the peanut gallery, but it must have been a rude awakening for someone riding high on a very expensive delusion.

But before we got too deep into serious territory, it was time for the Main Event. Finally, FINALLY, Alex and LuAnn got together at a restaurant to hash things out. Except that they aren’t friends, so I’m not sure why things needed to be hashed. LuAnn seemed similarly confused, but she showed up anyway to tell Alex that Ramona is a big girl who can fight her own battles and say “darling” in the condescending, passive-aggressive way that only she can say it. Alex, predictably, was not amused.

Going into the fight, I thought that they were both right, in a way. Yes, Alex had stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and had created a bit of a scene where one wasn’t necessary. And yes, LuAnn is condescending and holier-than-thou in the most grating, mean-spirited way possible. And they don’t really like each other anyway and never have, but for the purposes of the show, they got together to talk things out and be “friends” again, right? Well, that’s what I assumed would happen, and it seemed to be what Alex wanted as well, but LuAnn was expecting Alex to grovel for her forgiveness and, as Alex said, kiss her ring. LuAnn was mistaken, and when LuAnn is mistaken, she only gets more insufferable.

Instead of doing the standard talk-things-out-and-pretend bit with which we’re all very familiar, LuAnn got dismissive, defensive and flippant. She even insulted Alex’s shoes, which you really can’t do to anyone unless you’re trying to get yourself stabbed. Sadly, Alex had the self control to not plunge her fork into LuAnn’s arm, which is more than I would be able to say for me, if I were in her situation. They threw a few more barbs back and forth and LuAnn interrupted Alex a few more times before they parted, which resulting in Alex asking LuAnn if she’d “like to go,” which I took in the COME AT ME, BRO sense of the word “go.” Again, sadly, that’s not what Alex meant. She meant literally “go,” as in if LuAnn would like to leave. And she did leave, without even so much as a small head wound.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Matthew


    I’m not here to unilaterally stick up for Alex, and I will admit that she kind of stuck her nose in the middle of the whole LuAnn/Ramona battle. But didn’t said battle begin because LuAnn stuck her nose in the middle of the Jill/Ramona battle?

    What. A. Quandary.

    They’ve both stuck their noses where they don’t belong (most likely to get more airtime) and so they both bear some culpability.

    Alex is quite articulate when she’s talking to the camera in the little interviews. But the minute she’s face-to-face with someone in a conflict, she loses all sense of, well, sense. I actually feel bad for her because she can’t hold her own in an argument. LuAnn in particular just tramples her to death, because LuAnn is great at simply talking over people. Kelly did the same thing to Alex last week in Morocco.

    I really wish the Alex/LuAnn battle involved something, so I could get into it. But it was all over nothing, or all over who is more inane, and that made me sigh a lot.

    • I feel a little bad for her too, and I wish that she were more able to hold her own face-to-face. I loathe LuAnn.

      • Matthew

        Oh. And LuAnn. It’s not “Ramona and I’s battle…” It’s “Ramona’s and my battle…” OR “My battle with Ramona…”

        For someone who writes the books on class and etiquette, you’d think basic grammar skills would be part of her repertoire.

      • Jo

        @Matthew: I caught that too! “Ramona and I’s battle.” Wow. Really, Countess?

      • Ashley

        Glad I’m not the only one who hates Luann. She is so rude and awful and tries to cover it up by being “classy.” That’s the worst part- she actually seems to think she’s some sort of smart, accomplished woman. Ugh.

  • lisa

    Sonja cropping Cindy out of the Morocco pictures was totally immature and mean. It made me feel less sorry for her regarding her financial troubles.

    • JenG

      It was mean, but you must admit that it was funny! Can you imagine getting pictures back from a trip and you are not in any of them. There are signs that you are there, but you are not in any pictures. LOL!

      • teakay218

        I thought it was funny, too. In fact, reading your comments made me laugh all over again.

      • Z

        I thought that was hilarious…really Cindy did you think you could talk to Sonja any way you want and she was suppose to just lay down and take it. And Sonja made no apologies for what she did, making it even more funny, LOL!!!!

  • Kym

    Matthew is right on the money. LuAnn did, does and has always put herself in the middle of what ever is going on. She seems to like to think of herself as some sort of peace keeper, when in fact she is clearly a pot stirrer (starting from the very first season when Ramona had a small dinner party, had the bad sense to invite LuAnn, who immediately reported such to Jill, who in turn declared “this is war” as she herself had not been invited.) In the beginning, I thought LuAnn’s butt-inskiness was due to the fact that there was really nothing going on in her own life (ie no story line), then she got the divorce, and thus a smidge of a story line…but let’s face it, she really doesn’t have much to do but tell people that they are behaving inappropriately…which annoys me no end. I love to hate her, I must admit. I’m sure if she was on NJ instead of NY, someone would have smacked, stabbed or run her over with an SUV by now…

    • Lisa in Oregon

      I’m in 100% agreement with you and Matthew. LuAnn seems to have some sort of self-inflated sense of importance. My guess is that it comes from her days as a Countess. She was treated as royalty once upon a time and now comes to expect as much. She, like Sonya, doesn’t seem to understand that marrying someone wealthy or titled doesn’t equate to a personal achievement. Remember when LuAnn was upset that she was introduced to a driver as LuAnn, and not “The Countess?” Perhaps that’s why she thinks her mettling into other’s lives and offering advice on their behavior is appreciated. It isn’t and she needs to sit down and be quiet. If I were her, i would take my divorce settlement and live a quiet, peaceful life and spend as much time with my two kids as possible.

  • bb

    I agree…. NO MORE HOUSEWIVES SEXY TIME!!!!! Made me want to wash my eyes out!!!!! YUCK!!!!!!!!!

    • JenG

      with clorox

  • Lorie

    I can’t even form a coherent thought. It’s like the first 10 minutes of the episode left me with permanent damage. I am scarred for life.

    How can a person let themselves get into almost $20 million dollars in debt, file bankruptcy and then continue to live like you have butt loads of money??? Don’t spend the money for that stupid massage. PAY YOUR *%#&&@* BILLS!!!

    I’m tired of these lame arguments. Let’s see some broken noses or teeth. Pull out some extensions. Flip a table. Do something for once other than thank the other person, offer them a chair or dismiss them. Put up or shut up.

  • Emily

    I despise LuAnn; everything she says is so disrespectful and dismissive. Her holier-than-thou attitude and snotty disposition are not characteristics of a classy lady, as she continually proclaims herself to be. Last week’s episode really blew my mind when she scolded Ramona for causing trouble and then at the dinner table, but she later claims she was worried for Ramona…that makes absolutely no sense. She later then pulls aside Ramona to bring up, out of left field, the possibility of Mario cheating on her and her concern, which I saw as just another backhanded attempt to hurt someone when they were down. LuAnn is a hypocritical, Jill-obsessed fiend. She claims Ramona can fight her own battles, well I am pretty sure Jill can too. I am not a huge Ramona or Alex fan, but I think LuAnn’s treatment of Alex in both episodes was repugnant.

    • Anonymous

      This! This, this, this!

  • Jo

    I also couldn’t help but cringe the first part of the show. It was totally unnecessary and too long. And did anyone else find Alex’s inappropriately long and awkward “laugh” at her dinner with Simon creepy?

    During the focus group scene, I felt bad for Sonja and wanted to punch Jill in the face to wipe that smirk off her face when she was questioning her as if she knew everything. Her face had no sorrow or sympathy whatsoever. If Alex is right about Jill getting all of her sources from gossip columns, then Jill really has no life. Actually, that’s probably true since we learned last season that she is signed up to get “google alerts.” Amanda, I laughed so hard when I read “Jill is a human Swiss Army knife.” This was brilliant!

    The last scene between LuAnn and Alex was not worth waiting for. LuAnn kept cutting Alex off, and Alex couldn’t really stand her ground, which is their usual self, but just on one-on-one this time.

    Yesterday’s episode was pretty blah, but at least we get to see Jill get botox’d and cry next week.

    • Ellen

      That scene with Alex and Simon was VERY creepy! I maintain my assertion that Simon is indeed gay, but trying very hard not to be. Sad!

      Loved the “Swiss Army Knife” reference too. LMAO!

  • NCGal

    I am starting to recognize how wrong these shows are for me. After 6 seasons of RHOC and all of the others, I gotta say I feel so awful after i watch these shows, I am going to have to stop.
    Take care ladies and gents. Amanda, you are a funny, witty, gifted writer and I look forward to whatever comes next for you. I am truly a fan :)

    • c.c.

      I agree with this 100%. I will still read here because I enjoy Amanda’s writing so much but I’m pretty much done with the housewives.

      I’m with you. When I’m done watching, I feel like I watched a Jerry Springer marathon. Women get along, even wealthy women. I’m starting to find the whole RHW franchise insulting to women. Even Andy with is slimy ‘lady pond’ references isn’t funny anymore.

      Alex is awkward because she’s a poor actress. From start to finish I think this is all staged.

  • PhotoGirl

    The minute LuAnn said “Ramona and I’s battle,” the jig was up. Now I will laugh every time I see her.

    Apparently, money buys neither class nor grammar.

  • Emily

    I suspect that the scene with Sonja showing her outfit with the tags and how much discount she got on everything was some attempt to show people that she doesn’t spend frivolously. HA.

    • pg1908

      FINALLY…someone else caught that as well! Who goes around with the price tags on their clothes from 15 years ago??? REALLY?!? I’m not buying…Sonja I’m calling a spade a spade, you just got those clothes and plan to return them as soon as you were finished shooting that scene…come on, we’ve all done it at least 1 for a party, shin dig, or something.

      also, does anyone else think that LuAnn’s boyfriend looks like Ross from Friends? Just noticed that last night.

      • JT17

        Agree with you 100%. Wow, she must never clean her clothes because it seems likely that after 15 years of cleaning, the printing on the tags would fade. Or maybe that’s just my regular people clothes. Sonja = busted…nice try. I bet they check her stuff twice the next time she tries to make a return!

      • adrienne z

        I don’t think sh’ell be returning clothes anymore after wearing. she could end up in jail for that. That’s what would happen to me if I tried that! What else is she stealing?

      • PhotoGirl

        I once worked at a top department store. The wife of a certain very well-known political figure would routinely buy designer gowns, wear them to social functions, be photographed in them, and have her PA return them to the store the following Monday, worn, sweaty, tags intact. If you think they gave her any problem with those returns, you are sadly mistaken. We were told to take them back, ask no questions, and to be cheerful about it, too!

        I suspect Lady Morgan got the same treatment, at least while she was married.

        Now if you or I were to try that stunt, I could predict a very different outcome…

    • adrienne z

      @ PhotoGirl – i agree completely – that’s the sad state of the world. If you are “Somebody” with money …then the rules are all forgotten. They forget … that alot of people With Money already HAVE IT ALL and Dont’ NEED ANY MORE. Why is it that the people that already have it are automatically entitled to more when the rest of us have to dig and scrape for what we have? It’s the same entitlement as the so-called
      *Stars* who have millions for a half-hour episode or one measly movie get extravagant Swag bags and Designer Samples and GIFTS and PRIZES for absolutely FREE????!!! WHAT?!!!?!!!! I am ON THE WRONG PLANET!!! This Makes No Sense!!!!

  • JT17

    “I’m far more interested in the fact that not only is Jill an amateur doctor and dentist, as we’ve learned previously, but she’s also an accountant, bankruptcy attorney and personal haberdasher to her husband. She will also grout your tile, caulk your tub and unclog your toilet. Jill is a human Swiss Army knife.”

    Bwahahaha – The swiss army knife comment will make me laugh all weekend.

    Thanks for the great recap! I actually just cancelled my future recordings of the show having decided that the recaps are far more entertaining.

  • adrienne z

    i don’t want to see anybody having sex on primetime tv. Please, leave that stuff behind closed doors where it belongs! That goes for Tamra in the bathtub too – don’t want to see it!!

  • mochababe73

    To be honest, this was pretty tame compared to the whole Tamra Does a Gay Eddie soft porn that we witnessed not too long ago.
    LuAnn was not letting Alex get a word in edgewise, and I wonder what chapter in her book talks about interrupting others while they are talking. It’s so like LuAnn to think that Alex actually invited her to apologize.
    I think that Alex was just trying to stay calm through the whole thing. Personally, I just don’t have the patience for someone like LuAnn. You can NOT have a conversation with that woman. Shoot her an e-mail and let it go.
    Jill is the one that needed a for stuck in her arm. I am not surprised that Jill did it, but I would have hoped that she would show some tact. But that would be waaaaaay too much to ask.
    Sonja will get it together. I don’t think that she’s as dumb or stupid as we think.
    Cindy and her brother are still creepy.
    And, I actually wanted to see more of Kelly. I think that they’re pictures would be cute.

  • mirna

    I really almost threw up during those “sexy time” scenes. Simon looks like a creepy perve and Mario doesn’t even seem interested in Ramona. Luann has just gotten on my last nerve, I almost can no longer watch her! She’s so annoying! I really hope they recast these women. They are so boring!

  • adrienne z

    alex should go back to being quiet. she was a lot sweeter then

  • Z

    Can someone inform Jill that Spanx were invented by a housewife a few years ago. What she is peddling is a bad “knock-off”…if Bethanny would have been there, that is exactly what she would have said, lol!

  • Donna Drake

    I was done with LuAnn when she uttered, “Between Ramona and I,” but when she followed it with “Ramona and I’s,” I threw a chair at my television. What a fraud!!!

  • Bagolicious

    It was just one scary, fingernails-down-the-blackboard kind of episode. I had to cover both my eyes and ears. Yuck.

  • mkat

    I actually like watching LuAnn. What’s wrong with me???

    I guess I think of her this three-year-old, parading around in mommy dress-up clothes, waving her gloved hand around — “daahling” — while she scuffs along in too-big high heels. She always has her nose in the air like kids do when they wear floppy hats that come down over their eyes. And, like said three-year-old, when anyone tries to have a conversation with her, she (by talking over them) claps her hands to her ears and says “lah, lah, lah” until they stop.

    I think her delusions of grandeur are hysterical!

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