Ladies, I don’t even know where to start. Last night’s premiere of Real Housewives of New York didn’t have much of a story or plot to speak of, but in the hands of our squawking New York broads, a passel of non-narrative clips and some random bickering became an excellent first episode of our latest jaunt to Scary Island – Manhattan, in this case.

Ramona was mainly the star of this episode, sweeping through my Thursday night like the offensive, pinot-swilling, wide-eyed chunk of delicious awfulness that we all know she is. Even in an evening where we were introduced to the woman who beset the world with bedazzled crotch accouterments, Ramona stole the show. In the words of Andy Cohen, I’m feeling a bit Ramotional.

We started the only way we could start – with Ramona hosting a party that features her brand new wine, aptly titled Ramona. The whole gang came out, including Alex and Jill, who were still not big fans of each other – big surprise. Also, Jill had the biggest belt loop ever on the back of her dress, which might have been the same dress that Lea wore to the Real Housewives of Miami reunion earlier this week. Not that I watched that or anything. Of course not.

There was some talk of wearing wedding dresses to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and Jill started yammering about freedom and caps and gowns and within six minutes of the start of the episode, I had completely lost the thread. As it turns out, they were talking about a marriage equality march that would figure prominently later in the episode when Jill lied herself in circles about skipping it to go to a wedding. So, you know, par for the Housewives course.

Over at Jill’s place, Krazy Kelly Bensimon made her season debut to to discuss flying to Australian in a giant Diet Coke bottle. (Jill was the one making the magic Diet Coke ride, for the record.) Talk quickly turned to yet another cocktail party that Ramoma would be having and why both of them have things to resolve with Alex because Jill doesn’t want to relive the Bethenny debacle. And then Jill started talking about how she got dumped and how the whole thing was love lost, but don’t get confused – she wasn’t talking about Bobby. Jill was talking about Bethenny. Still. For the record, Bethenny is no longer on this show, just in case the number of times she was mentioned in last night’s episode made anyone think that she’d pop up anytime soon. She won’t.

In Brooklyn, things were relatively sane in comparison. Simon and Alex both work from home now, which seems to make them want to occasionally stab each other, but that’s to be expected in close quarters. Alex had been recently signed by New York Model Management to a contract, and from the few pictures that we saw, she’s definitely photogenic. Meanwhile, Simon was doing his best to distract her while she was on the phone with her modeling agent and seemingly doing a very nice job of it.

Next up was a new housewife named Cindy, to whom we were introduced when Sonja and Ramona showed up to an art show that she was hosting. Cindy lives in the West Village instead of uptown like most of our Housewives and she owns a chain of hair-removal spas. I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, she also originated the idea of vajazzling. And if you’re not sure what that is, not only should you count yourself lucky, but you should probably wait to Google it until you get home from work. Just a tip from your friendly neighborhood blogger.

Cindy is also a single mom of twins, whom she had on her own via IVF because she wanted a baby. Both of her babies made a cameo at her art party, followed shortly by Alex and Simon, Kelly and Jill. They all took their shoes off to step in some paint and make a giant art piece for charity, and while everyone was washing up to stick their feet back in their Jimmy Choos, Jill took it upon herself to ask Cindy if her babies have a father and if she birthed them herself. She claimed it was natural to be curious about that stuff, but I’m not sure that it’s natural to blurt out extremely personal questions about baby daddies while meeting someone for the first time at a cocktail party.

At Ramona’s office, she was trying to hire herself a new assistant, which is a tricky proposition when you’re insane. Which Ramona is. Or maybe she’s shot past “insane” and gone straight to “performance artist,” I’ve yet to decide. Ramona had a couple of applicants in to discuss…well, what did they discuss? Ramona’s sex life, whether or not Tunisia is a country (It is, they decided, but not with much help from Ramona) and the appropriate hosiery and skincare regimen for a job interview. Ramona didn’t talk a whole lot about the actual job with anyone, and most of the applicants seemed genuinely terrified that Ramona might unhinge her jaw and swallow them whole. Which she might. You never know.

Elsewhere in New York, Sonja and Ramona went on a double date their their manfriends, except Sonja won’t admit that she’s actually dating hers. I’m not sure why she wouldn’t admit it, because the man bore a bit of a resemblance to my future ex-husband Jason Statham, and when you find a man like that, you need to tie him down. And what was amazing was that he seemed to be want to be tied down, but Sonja wasn’t quite so enthusiastic. There was plenty of enthusiasm sitting across the table, though – Countess LuAnn’s new man seemed entirely smitten with her and happy to be eating with her friends, which means that LuAnn has found one of only four men in New York City who is willing to commit. We should expect her to be knifed by a single 37-year-old who desperately wants to get married and have a baby in the next few episodes.

Out at Ramona’s Hamptons house, Simon and Alex had come to stay the weekend so that they could all go to a wedding. Normally that would be kind of boring, but because Ramona can’t help but make sure that everything she does is as entertaining as possible, she opted not to tell Jill, who was also attending, that Alex would be there. And Jill and Alex hate each other ever since Alex delivered that message to her last season, right? Jill is still living entirely in last season, what with her Bethenny lamentations and nine-month-old anger baby with Alex.

Anyway, this is why Jill coming to the wedding actually turned out to be a whole ton of drama: The wedding was the same weekend as the marriage equality march that Alex mentioned earlier in the episode, and although Jill was (secretly?) on the committee for the march, she declined Alex’s invitation to attend because she was going to the wedding instead of marching. But Alex was still going to drive back from the wedding to march. Got that? It’s kind of contrived and needlessly complicated, so I’m not even entirely sure that I get it, but when I focus really hard, it’s a pretty compelling indication that Jill just really likes to have her name on as many press releases as possible.

When Alex and Jill actually ran into each other at the wedding, Alex called out Jill skipping out on the wedding march, at which point Jill backpedaled so hard and so quickly that I thought she might actually take flight. Jill managed to stay on the ground long enough to sulk off to a corner to assault a group of random women with her complaints about Alex, including that the wedding was an event that was above Alex’s station in life, whatever that station is. Since Alex was an invited guest and friend of the bride, I’m not sure exactly why Jill thinks that she and Alex live on two different planets, or why she thinks that marrying the owner of a fabric store makes her some kind of duchess.

Meanwhile, fresh off of insulting someone who was standing right behind her (look over your shoulders before you talk smack, ladies), Ramona towed Alex over to Jill and her coffee klatsch to have yet another confrontation in which Jill changed her story about why she wasn’t going to the march and Ramona stuck her finger in the wedding cake. Performance art, ladies. That’s what Ramona does.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Blaine

    We all loved Jill’s belt loop — is that where Leash goes? I wouldn’t put it past Bobby after last season.

    You are the Dorothy Parker of recaps. I laughed myself silly.

    • Manuela

      Blaine, you nailed it with the Dorothy Parker compliment! Haha!–Well Said!

    • Thank you so much! I didn’t see this until now because I’m out of town, but you have no idea how much I adore Dorothy Parker. I went to the Algonquin for the first time on Thursday.

  • GLOW

    That was a great review….
    So I guess you won’t be reviewing the RHOM reunion…lol

  • c.c.

    I can’t even concentrate on the recap. I still have that visual of Jill on WWHL

    Please tell me someone else saw it!

    • GLOW

      Yes….her outfit and hair were a big WTF

      It was embarrassing…lol

    • PhotoGirl

      OMG. She was channeling some combination of Britney Spears and Madonna, retirement home style. Unbelievable. I love New York!

    • She looked like 90s Madonna and a Kardashian had a baby.

      A middle-aged, desperate baby.

    • Ping

      I’m so glad you brought that up! i had the same WTF reaction. She needed to look in the mirror and have a reality check. She looked ridiculous!!!!!

      • Lisa in Oregon

        I’m so glad i wasn’t the only one who thought that! Ridiculous is right!!!

  • Handbag Lover

    Girl, “he also originated the idea of vajazzling.” what in the world, LMBO I almost spit out my food..lololol OMG Amanda!!! Good Blog!

    Jill is and has gotten on my last nerve. She looked a hot plate of mess with that dress on with the hook in the back and on WWHL. Ramona was the show, very rude and funny. I just want Alex to be who she is and stop with “the voice”, okay you found it and you can speak your mind but cool it, just do you and check them when needed, anything else is over kill. I am going to like the new girl very much, she seems to have her act together and her kids are too cute.

  • shallowgal

    WWHL was truly wonderful. lol.
    This season should be (awfully) good ~ Alex seems determined to be the one that calls Jill out continually ~ which makes for good reality TV. Not so great in real life, though.
    So, Ramona ends up insulting the brother of the newest HW. yikes.

  • DC

    Maybe I am insane but didn’t Bethenney wear her shapewear line on WWHL a few weeks ago and the last night Jill did the same thing? I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…Sorry Jill – Bethenney wins again.

  • suz

    Ah-h-h-h….these women are like those old friends you don’t see for a while and then, when you get back together, you just pick up in the middle of a sentence. Only problem…I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t actually be my friends….although I can look back and see a clone of each of them in my life at some point….although, God bless, not all at one point…..and they’re long gone. I was having a great time with this show right up to the point when the “all about class” countess said about Sonja and her hottie beau…..and I quote….”I think that him (sic) and Sonja have a great time together”……and then my head exploded…….

  • goldenkuma06
    • Ping

      Good riddance at this point. They should cancelled a couple of more as they are getting boring and the so called “drama” is contrived. Amanda’s blogs are more entertaining.

  • PhotoGirl

    You know, I had sworn off the Housewives after the Miami reunion debacle, but just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. :)

    Ramona was as incredible as ever. And even though she did it in her own inimitable style, I do think she gave the job-seeking young women some good advice. (Along with TMI ,natch.)

    Jill is still abrasive and annoying, but now that I’ve watched Bethenny’s show, I’m willing to give Jill a break. Who knew that Bethenny was such a Mean Girl?? I have completely changed my opinion of her! Perhaps Jill was right all along. Still not loving her stupid little dog, though. That getup she was wearing on WWHL was just beyond. I did like the brunette hair. She’s much prettier with it, I think.

    I think I’m going to like Cindy, just as long as she doesn’t show us any more vajazzling. Oh, my eyes!

    • Mimi

      I’m sad to say I have to agree with you about Bethenny. I so wanted to like her show, but I think a little less of her was better. Still not loving Jill though.

  • RedHead

    Kelly Bensimone and Gary Busey (this season’s Apprentice) would be a magical couple, wouldn’t they? (Both “Easy Pass” holders on Crazy Train.)

    Is it just me or do the RHONY seem like they are trying just a little bit too hard this season? (Sigh. I miss RHOBH.)

    • Marianna

      ROFLMAO Kelly and Gary-what a love child that would produce!!
      I think you hit the nail on the head-they were all trying waaaay to hard!
      Thanks for a very funny recap Amanda- you’re always better than the actual show! :)

    • suz

      Just watched a clip of Gary Busey on Leno and I think he may be a whole lot smarter than Kelly. Andf, yes I agree, they are trying awfully hard. But at least we can tell them apart. Never did figure out the Miami chicks.

  • Webaj

    Did anyone else notice that Sonja seemed to have gone to the Leah Black school of “facial refreshment.”

    Totally agree with DC and the others….Jill was doing her best Bethany impersonation on WWHL

    • c.c.

      I seriously couldn’t believe my eyes.

      Try too hard much Jill? I know she doesn’t know what the word means but I was almost embarrassed for her.

      She went from a nice looking ‘society woman’ in season one. Then racoon eyes season two. Season three the huge eyelashes. Now she’s a pole dancer, or circus performer. This show certainly created a monster. If this show is ever cancelled, she’ll implode.

      • suz

        How old is Jill anyway? Yikes….that look wasn’t good at any age.

  • KaylaNiche

    I think this season will def make up for the SNOOZEFEST that was RHODC and the coma inducing RHOM. I def think Alex and Simon will be my faves this year. Everyone else is FULL of drama: Jill’s lying and self serving attitude, Sonja’s nymphomania, Kelly’s leathery skin and unicorn fantasies, Cindy-who reminds me of Danielle Staub, LuAnn’s bf w/the horribly over-emphasized French accent lol, and Ramona’s PREGNANCY SCARE?!! What the hell?! This season will def give me everything I need! #geeked

    • JenG

      Classic “Kelly’s leathery skin and unicorn fantasies” LOL!

  • S

    Alex acts so nerdy and strange that I find myself feeling very sorry for her at times. She seems to be confused in thinking that standing up for yourself means instigating petty arguments. And her talking about being blessed in the gene pool? I just thought she was more humble and down to earth, but its always the quiet ones…
    And Ramona is an idiot.

  • Stephanie

    As always good recap Amanda! You make these show worth watching.
    I actually liked this episode. Sonja and Ramona are my favorites. I like Ramona because she has no filter. She would be a blast to drink with. I may be the minority here but I think Alex is waaaayyyy more annoying than Jill. With Jill you know she’s a drama queen BI?$H. Alex is so fake. And her comments about her kids being blessed in the gene pool had me lost. Has she looked in a mirror or at Simon lately? I want to find out where she purchased her mirrors cause I need one. Oh and Ramona talking crap about the lady who was right behind her had me on the floor laughing. Once again no filter:)

    • Ping

      I am not that into the show anymore, but I agree with your assessment completely. Ramona is herself on the show, filterless and all. Sonja seems “normal” as normal can be on these kind of show. Luann is boring, ditto nutty Kelly. Jill is trying too hard to be “young” and the “queen bee.” Her comment about “social status” is laughable..someone needs to tell her this is America (Bobby is way too classy for her!)
      Alex seems extremely fake to me. She was a social climber in the first season, now she has found her “inner voice” and needs to hush that voice a little. For some reason, I don’t mind Simon so much as he comes across more genuine than his wife.

  • Carrie

    Wow, anyone else think that Kelly looked really old?

    • suz

      Yes….and I was particularly horrified by her legs….which, although thin and shapely, appeared strangely old and stringy.

  • adrienne z

    need to see the rerun. i missed alot of the episode

  • Manuela

    Kelly looks worse every episode, but cattiness aside, I feel kind of sorry and worried for her. She’s clearly suffering from some sort of anxiety disorder and would benefit from light meds and kind therapy, IMHO.

    Jill is reprehensible. I throw up in my mouth a little whenever she starts whining about…everything. Tired, tired, tired of the Queen of Sheba act. Would she please STOP blaming everyone else for every damned dumb thing she’s done in the last two seasons and their natural consequences?! Unbelieveable!

    I’m surprised about the negative reation a lot of posters here are having towards Alex. If what was caught on film last season was any sampling, Alex and her family have endured quite a bit of passive-aggressive nonsense from Jill (slightly less from LuAnn). I think Alex has had all she can stands and she can’t stands no more. Alex will settle down; she just made the mistake of letting things slide too long and right now she’s having trouble letting go of that stabby feeling. Understandable.

  • janis

    oh jason statham, how i adore you……

    • I’ll fight you for him.

      • janis

        lol, i’ll win

  • MSC

    Fab recap! I don’t know if anyone else caught it, but I loved Sonja’s reference to her drunk driving arrest. So cavalier, that one.

  • Lynn

    I am so surprised that you did not seem to think Alex was still oddly mean to Jill. I thought that is all she had to talk about to get herself on camera!

    • I thoroughly despise Jill, so I may have gone a tad easy on Alex as a result. If it continues like this, though, that will probably change. I truly and completely think that Jill is the most despicable, vile human being to ever surface on Real Housewives, though, so I have a pretty high tolerance for people treating her poorly.

      • JenG

        The first season Jill was one of my favorite, but I must agree Amanda, you described her perfectly.

  • mochababe73

    I think that you meant to say that Sonja and LuAnn went on a double date. You put Sonja and Ramona.
    Jill has NOT changed.
    I have liked Alex since the first season. I think that Alex is acting like she is because she put up with Jill bad mouthing her for three years. Finally, Alex has realized that she doesn’t need Jill and her little society friends.
    I don’t like Cindy. I hope that she doesn’t come back.
    Sonja is unabled to talk about anything but sex. Again. She keeps talking about she just got divorced. Ummm…if I’m not mistaken, she divorced in 2006/2007.
    Hopefully, we can see more of Krazy Kelly. I consider it good brain exercise to try to figure out what she’s talking about.
    And, I can’t wait until next week to take another ride on the Ramona-coaster.

  • kemilia

    Great Recap! You nailed every little crazy bit very well. And speaking of which, I hope for more Kelly next week.

    I’m already using “Ramotional” when it’s appropriate (I reran Ramona’s catwalk a few times too–best Housewives moment EVER!).

  • Ashley

    Ramona makes me want to throw things…

    Love your recaps!


  • Lisa in Oregon

    I’m still not clear as to why Kelly has returned this season. Wasn’t it pretty much understood that she needs professional help? Isn’t it almost criminal to take advantage of that Bravo? Hmmm…

    When Jill stated at the beginning of the show that she had learned from her portrayal last season and was “humbed,” I breathed a sigh of relief. Then she totally blew it. Darn it – I was hoping she could be the poster child for a reformed Mean Girl. Oh well. It was entertaining to watch her try and talk her way out of her no-show at the march. Busted!

  • Lorie

    My lord. Jill is the rudest human on the planet. And that outfit on WWHL was hilarious. Seriously Jill? You’re too dang OLD for that garb.

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