Ladies, I don’t even know where to start. Last night’s premiere of Real Housewives of New York didn’t have much of a story or plot to speak of, but in the hands of our squawking New York broads, a passel of non-narrative clips and some random bickering became an excellent first episode of our latest jaunt to Scary Island – Manhattan, in this case.
Ramona was mainly the star of this episode, sweeping through my Thursday night like the offensive, pinot-swilling, wide-eyed chunk of delicious awfulness that we all know she is. Even in an evening where we were introduced to the woman who beset the world with bedazzled crotch accouterments, Ramona stole the show. In the words of Andy Cohen, I’m feeling a bit Ramotional.
We started the only way we could start – with Ramona hosting a party that features her brand new wine, aptly titled Ramona. The whole gang came out, including Alex and Jill, who were still not big fans of each other – big surprise. Also, Jill had the biggest belt loop ever on the back of her dress, which might have been the same dress that Lea wore to the Real Housewives of Miami reunion earlier this week. Not that I watched that or anything. Of course not.
There was some talk of wearing wedding dresses to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and Jill started yammering about freedom and caps and gowns and within six minutes of the start of the episode, I had completely lost the thread. As it turns out, they were talking about a marriage equality march that would figure prominently later in the episode when Jill lied herself in circles about skipping it to go to a wedding. So, you know, par for the Housewives course.
Over at Jill’s place, Krazy Kelly Bensimon made her season debut to to discuss flying to Australian in a giant Diet Coke bottle. (Jill was the one making the magic Diet Coke ride, for the record.) Talk quickly turned to yet another cocktail party that Ramoma would be having and why both of them have things to resolve with Alex because Jill doesn’t want to relive the Bethenny debacle. And then Jill started talking about how she got dumped and how the whole thing was love lost, but don’t get confused – she wasn’t talking about Bobby. Jill was talking about Bethenny. Still. For the record, Bethenny is no longer on this show, just in case the number of times she was mentioned in last night’s episode made anyone think that she’d pop up anytime soon. She won’t.
In Brooklyn, things were relatively sane in comparison. Simon and Alex both work from home now, which seems to make them want to occasionally stab each other, but that’s to be expected in close quarters. Alex had been recently signed by New York Model Management to a contract, and from the few pictures that we saw, she’s definitely photogenic. Meanwhile, Simon was doing his best to distract her while she was on the phone with her modeling agent and seemingly doing a very nice job of it.
Next up was a new housewife named Cindy, to whom we were introduced when Sonja and Ramona showed up to an art show that she was hosting. Cindy lives in the West Village instead of uptown like most of our Housewives and she owns a chain of hair-removal spas. I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, she also originated the idea of vajazzling. And if you’re not sure what that is, not only should you count yourself lucky, but you should probably wait to Google it until you get home from work. Just a tip from your friendly neighborhood blogger.
Cindy is also a single mom of twins, whom she had on her own via IVF because she wanted a baby. Both of her babies made a cameo at her art party, followed shortly by Alex and Simon, Kelly and Jill. They all took their shoes off to step in some paint and make a giant art piece for charity, and while everyone was washing up to stick their feet back in their Jimmy Choos, Jill took it upon herself to ask Cindy if her babies have a father and if she birthed them herself. She claimed it was natural to be curious about that stuff, but I’m not sure that it’s natural to blurt out extremely personal questions about baby daddies while meeting someone for the first time at a cocktail party.
At Ramona’s office, she was trying to hire herself a new assistant, which is a tricky proposition when you’re insane. Which Ramona is. Or maybe she’s shot past “insane” and gone straight to “performance artist,” I’ve yet to decide. Ramona had a couple of applicants in to discuss…well, what did they discuss? Ramona’s sex life, whether or not Tunisia is a country (It is, they decided, but not with much help from Ramona) and the appropriate hosiery and skincare regimen for a job interview. Ramona didn’t talk a whole lot about the actual job with anyone, and most of the applicants seemed genuinely terrified that Ramona might unhinge her jaw and swallow them whole. Which she might. You never know.
Elsewhere in New York, Sonja and Ramona went on a double date their their manfriends, except Sonja won’t admit that she’s actually dating hers. I’m not sure why she wouldn’t admit it, because the man bore a bit of a resemblance to my future ex-husband Jason Statham, and when you find a man like that, you need to tie him down. And what was amazing was that he seemed to be want to be tied down, but Sonja wasn’t quite so enthusiastic. There was plenty of enthusiasm sitting across the table, though – Countess LuAnn’s new man seemed entirely smitten with her and happy to be eating with her friends, which means that LuAnn has found one of only four men in New York City who is willing to commit. We should expect her to be knifed by a single 37-year-old who desperately wants to get married and have a baby in the next few episodes.
Out at Ramona’s Hamptons house, Simon and Alex had come to stay the weekend so that they could all go to a wedding. Normally that would be kind of boring, but because Ramona can’t help but make sure that everything she does is as entertaining as possible, she opted not to tell Jill, who was also attending, that Alex would be there. And Jill and Alex hate each other ever since Alex delivered that message to her last season, right? Jill is still living entirely in last season, what with her Bethenny lamentations and nine-month-old anger baby with Alex.
Anyway, this is why Jill coming to the wedding actually turned out to be a whole ton of drama: The wedding was the same weekend as the marriage equality march that Alex mentioned earlier in the episode, and although Jill was (secretly?) on the committee for the march, she declined Alex’s invitation to attend because she was going to the wedding instead of marching. But Alex was still going to drive back from the wedding to march. Got that? It’s kind of contrived and needlessly complicated, so I’m not even entirely sure that I get it, but when I focus really hard, it’s a pretty compelling indication that Jill just really likes to have her name on as many press releases as possible.
When Alex and Jill actually ran into each other at the wedding, Alex called out Jill skipping out on the wedding march, at which point Jill backpedaled so hard and so quickly that I thought she might actually take flight. Jill managed to stay on the ground long enough to sulk off to a corner to assault a group of random women with her complaints about Alex, including that the wedding was an event that was above Alex’s station in life, whatever that station is. Since Alex was an invited guest and friend of the bride, I’m not sure exactly why Jill thinks that she and Alex live on two different planets, or why she thinks that marrying the owner of a fabric store makes her some kind of duchess.
Meanwhile, fresh off of insulting someone who was standing right behind her (look over your shoulders before you talk smack, ladies), Ramona towed Alex over to Jill and her coffee klatsch to have yet another confrontation in which Jill changed her story about why she wasn’t going to the march and Ramona stuck her finger in the wedding cake. Performance art, ladies. That’s what Ramona does.