Last night’s Real Housewives of New York was kind of lame, wasn’t it? Compared to the absolute disaster zone that we got last week, it was filled with relatively little xenophobia, racism and cultural cluelessness, which made it better, in the sense that it wasn’t so mind-bendingly awful to watch, but also made it worse, in the sense that all of those negative qualities I listed make for pretty great television.
So we scored points for humanity but not entertainment, and our Housewives showed us that they’re little more than middle schoolers trying to save seats on the bus so that people will like them. Also, Sonja’s pretty sure that some sort of peril is going to befall her before she leaves Morocco, and for the sake of everyone, I hope that doesn’t happen. We’d never hear the end of the I-told-you-sos.
We started right where we left – in some ambiguous kitchen, listening to a veiled woman tell Ramona that Mario is cheating on her. Well, she was telling Kelly, who was translating from French while LuAnn tried to re-translate over her in order to get maximum camera time. Somehow, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to stick with Kelly on the translation. I don’t speak a lick of French (why can’t our Housewives go somewhere that speaks Spanish), but Kelly’s version simply had a ring of truthiness to it.
While Kelly and LuAnn fought over conjugation and colloquialisms, Sonja cried for no reason. No reason that any of us could discern, anyway. Either Sonja’s boffing Mario or she’s still reeling from the breakup of her marriage, but didn’t Sonja marry for money? Wasn’t she that old Morgan guy’s fourth wife? Ramona actually said that to her face and Sonja didn’t flinch, but after a few minutes of Sonja blubbering about divorces, Ramona decided that Sonja was just crying because she was worried for her and moved right on without another thought. But not before she reassured everyone (and ‘everyone’ meaning ‘herself’) that she had the finest marriage in all the land, so much so that LuAnn tried to pick Mario up back in the day. Would you put it past LuAnn? I wouldn’t.
Next up was a trip to the souk that should have been the coolest thing that any of them have ever done, but Kelly was the only person who was appropriately excited. Well, credit where credit is due, Jill and her fanny pack were pretty excited too. While loading up the vans to leave, LuAnn had chosen her seat in the Cool Kids van, but then got up to head back into the house. But that’s ok, because she had called seatbacks like any sane 13-year-old would, and Sonja stayed in the van to enforce the seatback claim.
Cindy, who is of the Move Your Feet, Lose Your Seat school of thought, tried to get in and sit down in LuAnn’s seat and was not amused when Sonja kicked her out. She threw a fit similar to the one she threw over her hangers last week, and both sides of the conflict were so mind-blowingly immature that I still can’t decide whose side I’m on. It’s just a van ride to the mall, you kids don’t have to spend the entire day with your seatmate after mom drops you off. But instead of taking one of the other open seats in the Cool Kids van, Cindy stormed off to the other van (the lame one) to bitch about Sonja.
Once they got to the souk, everyone was excited! And by everyone, I mean still only Kelly, and maybe Jill and Alex too. Cindy was still fuming over being asked to choose another seat, and she let everyone know that. First she bitched at Sonja, who was perhaps being a bit of a jerk but not any more so than normal for her, and somehow the “pecking order” and whether or not Sonja was of good breeding came up. And she’s not, of course. She was a hostess in an Italian restaurant before the rich old guy married her. But neither is Cindy or anyone else on the show, it’s just that certain people (*cough* Sonja, LuAnn) like to pretend that they are more than everyone else. When Cindy moved on to bitch at LuAnn, it was helpfully pointed out that she wasn’t even present when the incident took place, at which point Cindy was out of targets.
It’s worth noting that throughout the entire episode thus far, Kelly has been the sane one. In fact, she’s been pretty sane all season, with perhaps the small exception of the sand angels incident. How did this happen? How did the Nuttiest Housewife of Them All make such a stunning transformation into someone with whom I might actually want to get a drink? If this newfound serenity is indeed medically induced, she needs to refer the rest of the cast to her doctor as quickly as possible. It would probably ruin the show, but it would be for the good of humanity.
The group’s next tourist stop was to the desert for camel rides, which everyone was excited about except for Sonja, who refused to get up on the camel. She’s already taken a dive off of one hooved animal this season, which meets the quota required in her contract, and she chose to not tempt fate again. At first she seemed like a party pooper, but once an angry camel tried very hard to send LuAnn face-first into the sand, she actually looked a little bit more wise than she normally does. That camel was clearly not a Real Housewives fan, but sadly, LuAnn stayed upright. I wouldn’t have wanted her to get hurt, naturally, but a Housewife flying off a camel would have been hilarious.
The camels lead the group to a giant, luxurious tent for dinner, during which they all tried to think of new things to share with each other. Most of them came up with decent tidbits – Cindy used to work at a flea market, for example. But when it was Sonja’s turn, the only thing that she could talk about is how much she likes to do yoga and take baths and contribute to charities, which she seemed to think no one knew about her. If she had added “playing grabass with the household help” to that list, it could practically be her biography.
For some reason, Sonja wouldn’t stop talking and once again regaled the group with tales of what might happen to them out there in the big bad desert. Nevermind that there were like eight of them, plus an entire camera and production crew, plus their local guides, plus a bunch of camels. They were all in very grave danger without skyscrapers and kindly doormen to protect them. The sand isn’t going to anthropomorphize and stab you in the face, doll. No one is going to ride by on a camel and yank on your ponytail.
The time Sonja spent worrying about marauding thieves might have been better spent carefully considering what she ate, because both she and Ramona were overcome by unfortunate and involuntary bowel movements the next day. While the rest of the group went to have tea and relax at the beautiful Turkish baths, the two of them stayed back for a while to blow up their bathrooms, the subject of which is becoming a disturbing and utterly unwelcome Housewives trend. We don’t want to talk about your poop, ladies. We know that Bravo gets a little thin for material at times, but that doesn’t mean we resort to a diarrhea storyline. There are no circumstances under which that is ok.
Afterward, Ramona and Jill sat down together to hash things out back at the house, and Ramona accused Jill of being two-faced and brought up the stuff with the bride from a few weeks ago. Jill didn’t cop to anything, just as we knew she wouldn’t, because she is Jill and she will never admit fault or take blame so long as the person with whom she’s fighting can be confused or misdirected into changing the subject. Jill also contends that it’s uncivilized not to wear two faces, because everyone does, and if they didn’t, they’d all be Ramona. And as terrible as that sounded, she kind of had a point.
Jill bounded back with accusations that Ramona has done terrible things to her as well, going all the way back to last season when Ramona kicked her off of Scary Island, and then they both dissolved into shrieks that the other person wasn’t listening to them or hearing them or paying attention to what they were saying. We all know that none of these women listen, they just wait patiently until it’s their turn to say whatever it is that they’ve already planned to say, and Jill finally ended the whole thing by yelling that she and Ramona could never be friends and storming out. And then Ramona did the drunkest thing in the history of humanity (and, you know, I’m KIND OF AN EXPERT) by laying down on the bed and pretending not to care and then suddenly bursting into tears while flat on her back in a lounging-on-the-beach pose.
Really, think about it – have you ever cried like that? No, you haven’t. Instinctually, when we’re in a vulnerable state, we all retreat to some sort of the fetal position. To protect our vital organs in case of spontaneous attack! And while that compulsion may not be important in modern society (although it may come in handy in certain Real Housewives scenarios), we all still have it, which is why the sight of Ramona splayed out on her back, sobbing, looks extra bizarre. In fact, if Ramona has to resort to online dating after Mario dumps her just like the psychic said he would, that should be her tag line for her profile: Extra Bizarre.