Because of Fashion Week shenanigans, I didn’t get to see or recap last week’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Naturally, that meant I had to watch that episode prior to recapping this one, and it was literally so stupid that it gave me a nose bleed. That’s new, as-yet-unexplored depths of stupidity, in case you’re keeping score at home.
Was last night’s episode even worse? Maybe. Our Housewives took flight for a few days in the Dominican Republic, and we all know what happens when those broads cross international borders. (Hint: Nothing good.) In fact, I’d say that the only good thing that came out of last night was the knowledge that the airline lost one of Teresa’s suitcases. Little by little, the universe is trying to weed her tacky clothing out.
We started with Melissa and Nonjuicy, who were busy stuffing her Forever 21 halter tops and his Ed Hardy shirts into suitcases so they could all go to Punta Cana and make nice with the rest of the family. The Dominican Republic is magic, you see, because they all went there one time years ago and no one stabbed anyone else. So it’ll all be fine! Except it immediately wasn’t fine, because Nonjuicy sniffed the crotch of one of Melissa’s bathing suits, at which point I passed out and my nose started bleeding again.
After my roommate found me on the floor, shook me away and brought me some tissues, we made the rest of the rounds to watch everyone else pack and express their meager hopes that the entire cast would survive the trip to Punta Cana. We know better than that, because we know that no one ever comes back from these trips unscathed if there are Real Housewives cameras in tow, and there’s also the added curiosity that a stranger actually did end up getting assaulted by our lovely ladies of New Jersey during this trip. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves! First, let’s wag our fingers at Ashley for not even being productive enough to go get a passport photo taken so that she could go on a free Caribbean vacation. That’s how useless Ashley is, everyone. The upside of all of that, of course, was that we didn’t have to see her for the entire episode.
And then, all of a sudden, everyone was getting off of the airplane in the DR, and you could tell which disembarking passengers were ours by their leopard-print luggage and nylon Ferrari track suits. It’s good to know that in any language, bad taste translates. Side note: If only you knew how bad leopard print has to be for me to say anything negative about it. I live for leopard print. I have maybe considered buying leopard bedding in the past. (IT WAS DIANE VON FURSTENBERG, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.)
From the airport, our New Jerseyans (New Jerseyites?) were off in a caravan of four Escalades, but before they even got anywhere, one of the Joes (does it even matter which one at this point?) was commanding the driver to stop so that all of our extremely classy Real Househusbands and their male children could go disgrace the name of the country from which they originate and take a piss in a field by the side of the road while the camera crews filmed them. I use the term “take a piss” only because I think that’s the only accurate phrase when the urination is happening in broad daylight and in front of a camera crew.
Once everyone zipped up and loaded back into the cars, it was only a matter of time before they were at the resort and sprinting to claim their rooms like the new cast members of The Real World. In fact, that’s kind of an interesting thought – what if we made all of the Housewives move in together for six months? How quickly do you think they’d start killing and eating each other? Who do you think they’d eat first? Probably Jacqueline, right? She’s too nice to lead the attack.
Anyway, as we all could have guessed by the tans going on in this group, the next step was getting out into the sun. Except, naturally, Theresa had nine suitcases full of bathing suits with matching high heels and sunglasses and hats and pareos, and she needed help picking out a look. Lauren didn’t want to hear it because Lauren already feels like the fat girl in the room, Caroline didn’t want to hear it because she was sick (both literally, physically sick and figuratively sick of Teresa), and no one else cared because in general, no one cares what anyone else wears on vacation. It’s just not important. The only things that are important on vacation are booze and hot strangers. Holla if ya hear me.
Teresa is a one-woman universe in her own head, though, so she tried on three bathing suits and made everyone else weigh in on which one she should wear, but really everyone just grunted and moaned every time she came prancing out, and when she went back to change, they talked about how she looked like a stripper. It makes me so glad that they all hate Teresa as much as we do now. It reassures me that we’re right.
Between then and the juicy bits of the episode, there were a lot of shenanigans. They went out on a boat and demonstrated Darwin’s principle of natural selection by jumping into shallow water, they played some kind of game with a bottle of rum, Jacqueline and Lauren complained even more about being next to skinny people. Nonjuicy got a little rapey on Melissa in a port-a-potty. Ho hum, normal vacation stuff.
After all of that, though, a few of the adults (and I use that term loosely) sat down on the beach to talk about…I’m not even sure. Juicy revealed his brilliant plant to start a restaurant with no source of payroll and no concept beyond the recipes Teresa’s cookbook, and then he said that they could just sell it if they got tired of having a restaurant. The look that Albert Sr. and Richie exchanged when Juicy said that was about ten times as amusing as any of the fighting that Kathy and Teresa did afterward, all of which was about…again, god knows what.
I must have been having painful flashbacks to the earlier roadside urination scene, because I missed exactly how Kathy and Teresa started yelling at each other, which actually doesn’t matter at all. It never matters. The important part of the argument was when they eventually ended up bickering over whether or not Teresa abandoned her infant at the christening at the beginning of the season, and we all know she did. There’s video evidence, and Bravo has helpfully played it every time this argument has happened, all season long.
Kathy and Teresa shrieked back and forth at each other for a while in a language that was apparently supposed to be English but could have probably used some subtitles for those of us playing along at home, and Teresa did it in the kind of giant floppy hat and matching sunglasses that automatically means you lose any argument you start. You can’t be victorious and also be matchy-matchy. You have to choose one or the other, and clearly Teresa has already made her choice. No takesies-backsies, Teresa.
Eventually Teresa and Juicy got up to storm off, and we got to see the best part of the entire tacky spectacle – the Manzo kids and Gay Roommate Greg (Our favorite! Still!), being the sane people in the room (again, as always), speculating about whether or not they had missed a fight worth seeing or just a regular fight, rooting for Kathy and joking about Teresa and Juicy’s inability to access vocabulary beyond that of a third-grader. They were like the Greek chorus for the evening, and hopefully they continue to be just that for the rest of the trip or until Teresa clunks that guy in the head with a glass and the police make Bravo turn the cameras off.