It sure has been a while since we last did this, hasn’t it? Two weeks and a national holiday have passed since we last saw the broads of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Luckily, they’re right where we left them, suspended in eternal housewifery like dead bugs in a middle school science fair display.

I don’t really know of an adequate way to introduce what it was that we saw last night, so I’m not even going to try. Back to your regularly scheduled insanity, already in progress.

Let’s set the scene, for anyone who doesn’t remember: all of the housewives except for Caroline were at some “fashion show” for the horrifically spelled Posche boutique at a banquet facility that is not the Brownstone. Teresa and Jacqueline were seated at a rival table across the room from Danielle and Kim G. Danielle channeled Paris Hilton to irritate them, and when that didn’t work, she got up and went to the bathroom. Teresa followed and camped outside until Danielle emerged so that they could have a confrontation.

Danielle and Teresa finally got the argument that they had both been trying to provoke all night, much to Andy Cohen’s eternal happiness, I’m sure. Everyone was yelling, Kim G. threw Teresa back into her chair after she got up, Danielle started running for reasons that weren’t entirely clear, glasses broke, Jacqueline screamed about court records and guns and Danielle hid in the bushes. Literally, in the bushes. She was crying and hyperventilating and, again for reasons unknown, apparently unable to move.

Just as Kim G. had managed to cure Danielle’s spontaneous paralysis, Ashley ran up behind her and pulled Danielle’s hair weave, at which point I’d like to remind all of us that these women are adults. Adults at an event. And if you’re actually blinded by fear for your safety, why do you stop right outside of the door to the building that’s holding your would-be attackers? Don’t you keep on hobbling toward the car and your eventual escape, broken shoes be damned? Of course, if she did that, it would likely be hard for the camera crew to keep up and get a good shot…

Danielle was eventually whisked away to the car by Kim’s shocked driver, who later seemed scared enough of Teresa that he actually let her get quite close to the Bentley. Ashley joined her in taunting Danielle from the parking lot, again showing a stunning level of maturity. While Jacqueline was trying to get Ashley and Teresa (who seemed to be loving all of this) away from the car, Danielle was inside wailing about how she just knew that this would happen to her.

And was it just me, or did she say that just a few too many times? In a way, Danielle almost seemed thrilled (in a wild-eyed, manic sort of way) to finally be able to give her ultimate victim performance. She has spent so much time this season telling everyone that the rest of the women want to beat her down, and her biggest wish finally came true. Danielle even saved a balled-up chunk of weave to show during her one-on-one interview, in case anyone was wondering just how much she’s enjoying the opportunity to finally be an actual victim.

Too bad it wasn’t a housewife that messed up her weave. Instead, it was Jacqueline’s terrible brat of a woman-child, who is apparently feral and might need to be on a leash until she’s properly trained. Ashley ran up behind Danielle as she was being lead out of the bushes and tried to, in the words of Sheree from Atlanta, tug on her wig. Except it wasn’t so much a Sheree-on-Kim wig-tug as it was an outright yank without provocation. And also, it was probably full-on assault. Cops were called, reports were written, no one was arrested. We do know, however, that Ashley was later charged and plead guilty to some sort of charge associated with the spat.

Naturally, after everything was said and done, Danielle ran to Danny The Ex-Con and Jacqueline and Teresa went to Caroline to plot further strategy. Danny threatened to compromise his parole to defend Danielle’s dubious honor (WHAT A GENTLEMAN), but all Caroline did was more or less agree with what I’ve said so far. The other women had given Danielle exactly what she always wanted – a police report where she’s finally not the one being accused of crimes.

Well.

In addition to consulting Danny, Danielle also spoke with her energist to talk about how Jacqueline and Teresa want to hurt her. Apparently everyone in New Jersey has an energist, since this is the second one that we’ve seen so far this season. The energist (who is also a psychic, which makes her so much more credible) thought that Danielle and Jacqueline should talk it out, just like Dina’s energist thought that she should talk things out with Danielle. We all know how that went.

The energist called Jacqueline, who more or less read her the Riot Act. She wasn’t buying any of the metaphysical BS, which just makes me love Jacqueline more. I suspect that she’s much smarter than her somewhat flaky outer veneer may suggest. When the energist wanted to “cleanse” her (or whatever she was doing), Jacqueline played iPhone games, which is perhaps the only time that I managed to crack a smile in the first 40 minutes of the episode. Not only did I smile, but I actually laughed out loud, probably loud enough to disturb my neighbors.

Next Teresa had to face the music, and by music, I mean Greasy Joe. He seemed to be amused by the entire thing until we got to the weave-tugging part, although Teresa made a decent point – if I thought someone had hit my mom, I’d do a lot worse than yank on her hair extensions. I’m not entirely convinced Ashley actually thought Danielle had hit Jacqueline, but it sure is a convenient line. In the end, Joe gave Teresa double high-fives and a kiss for her participation in the whole debacle, which is entirely predictable if you’ve been following the show for more than, uh, 15 minutes.

Spliced in between all of this stuff, Bravo managed to plant a nugget or two of sanity. Albie wanted to get back in to law school, but in order to do so, he needed a letter from his previous school that would allow him to attend a new university. I guess that’s really the end of the story, as far as this episode goes. Any small hints at sanity that we received last night did not last long.

In the last ten minutes of the episode, Ashley’s actions were finally dealt with. I had warmed up to her a bit over the past few episodes, but Ashley managed to send all of that goodwill straight out the window with a single zebra-clad pout fest. She apparently has a lot of interesting (read: wrong, idiotic) opinions about her rights, including that it’s her right to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, even if that means assaulting someone in front of a professional camera crew. While they’re filming. She seemed confused by the fact that perhaps she was not, in fact, legally entitled to assault people. Then again, she seems confused by a lot of things in life, doesn’t she? For instance, the necessity to hire and pay for an attorney. That one in particular seems like it’s going to be important to learn for future episodes.

  • poodle

    chris (jac’s hub) and caroline are the only 2 normal people on this show. i love this show but seriously, how immature are all of these people? somebody needs to put ashley and danielle on a boat, light it on fire, and send it off to the middle of the atlantic……

    • JenG

      Please put Teresa on that boat too.

    • Erin

      I simply can not watch this show because of Ashley.
      Danielle I can deal with. She’s good entertainment. Headcase, but entertaining.
      Ashley infuriates me.
      Stupid + stubborn + entitled + immature = big freaking PIA

      They should have sent her off the boarding school when they had the chance.

      • Erin

        Wanted to clarify my above statement:
        I hate Danielle. But, something about her being an adult and no one really rallying around allows me to tolerate her.

        Ashley, on the other hand, has a whole family trying to set her straight and she’s just shatting all over them. I feel like Ashley is going to drag her family down with, especially Jacqueline.

  • Jo Marie

    Yes. What a disgraceful display of New Jersey culture. Ladies Fashion Show at the Country Club! It’s no wonder the legitimately well to do are leaving the state in droves. Pity they’ve all landed in Connecticut.

    • NCGal

      Connecticut could use some mixing up!

  • PhotoGirl

    “like dead bugs in a middle school science fair display.”

    And now, I am laughing loudly enough to disturb my neighbors!

    You’ve summed it all up right there, Amanda. Brilliant.

    I really loved Bravo back in the “Queer Eye” days, but I’m quite over them now. When I remember how much I pay to have cable, I also have to remind myself that the RH franchise is not a reasonable use of my hard-earned money. As Seinfeld so aptly put it, “who sticks their head in this toilet bowl?”

  • Ellz

    I loved watching Chris give Ashley a come-to-jesus discussion about what a moron she is. I was 18 not too many years ago and I never was dumb enough to say “I’m 18 so I can do what I want.” I would love to see her parents actually kick her out and then make her pay for her lifestyle on her own. See how much fun being an adult is then.

    Can’t even comment on Danielle. I couldn’t decide if I just wanted to laugh at her or throw something at the television in the hope that it would magically go through and nail her in the forehead.

  • Matthew

    I still think the producers told Teresa to go out and wait for Danielle to come out of the bathroom to say hi to her. Not that it absolves Teresa, because as much as I can’t stand Danielle, and think she’s a borderline (the highly scientific term of borderline) nut job, Teresa/the producers still started the fight.

    Does anybody believe Teresa when she says that her house didn’t go into foreclosure? They talked about it on WWHL last night with Andy. I think she’s squeaking by on a technicality. Again, as much as I hate Danielle, she nailed that one on the head.

    I quite enjoyed Jacqueline and Teresa getting it on during WWHL last night, a la Danielle and super lesbo (can’t remember her name). Very amusing. Ashley also admitted on the show that it wasn’t her proudest moment. Ya think?

    Finally, I must admit that back when Kim D first became a more significant part of the show, I kept wondering when Porsche started selling so much clothing. I always thought they were an automobile company!

    Oh duh.

  • sohoaccessories

    I love Chris and how he showed some “Tough Love”…Ashley needs it ! What a spoiled brat.
    Yes I think that Teresa started it but only because of all the rumors that Danielle has been spreading around about her. Supposely “her” house is not in foreclosure as Danielle said, but an investment property of her husband and partner. If Danielle was so frightened for her life why did she go to the fashion show (is that what that was?)

  • Pamela

    The pictures you guys picked out for this article is hilarious…I love it.

    And I felt like a crazy person (Danielle..who else?) was talking to me from the TV last night…it got real creepy. First time, I’m watching a reality show, I got so creeped out that I wanted to turn off the TV…but I didn’t wanna miss out on any other drama.

  • JenG

    Now it is an investment property. Teresa didn’t say it was an investment property last year when she was shopping and picking out things for the house. I remember when her and Jaqueline were at a furniture store and Teresa had a large stack of money. Why wasn’t it an investment property at that time? Teresa started the fight and now Ashley the adult child is paying for it. Some of us have been talked about and rumors started, but did we attend an event and act the fool? NO!

  • Handbag Lover

    Very nice recap and the still shots are FUNNY! This was the best episode yet, I cracked my side. I really like Joe and Chris. I like the tuff love the Chris gave Ashley but he really need to give some to his silly wife. If that was my mom she would not have but one time to tell me to do something or i would be slapped. I am ready for this to end. Enough is enough, already!

  • NCGal

    Ick, ick, icky.

  • S

    Ashley acted dumb in last night’s episode (and said so on WWHL). I know I’ve done and said my share of dumb things when I was an 18 year old. And I’m sure I’m not alone on that. So I’m not going to judge her too harshly. And even at my age, I’m not sure what I would do if I thought someone physically hurt my mother.

    And Jo Marie: I don’t think having money or being “legitimately well to do” has anything to do with this type of behavior. Being rich doesn’t make you credible or morally sound. We just have to watch the news to see very “legitimately” wealthy and even educated people do dumb trashy things.

    • Jo Marie

      OK. I’m properly chastened. I was trying to go for an ironic, comic tone. I’ve obviously failed and offended someone. Please accept my apology.

      • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

        Don’t worry Jo Marie, tone is next to impossible to convey accurately on the internet.

      • NCGal

        Your TONE was fine, sistah! I got it :)

  • swags

    If I ever meet Theresa, which I doubt will happen, I won’t be mentioning her financial problems! That one comment about foreclosure sent her over the edge. It was pure ridculousness and I was glued to every minute.

  • mochababe73

    According to Ashley (on Watch What Happens Live), someone at the party told her that Danielle had hit her mother. I think that we all need to remember that Ashley is only 18. Just like the rest of us, she is going to do some dumb stuff and, hopefully, learn from it.
    Jacqueline playing games while the energist was talking to her was priceless. I literally laughed out loud.
    As far as Teresa, she’s still my favorite housewife. During the time that this was filmed, Danielle had been spreading rumors that her house was in foreclosure along with other rumors. Well, it wasn’t the “banquet facility” that was in foreclosure. It was the house that they lived in while waiting for the current one to be built. From what I can understand, the facility that they’re in now is not in foreclosure.
    Teresa did all of this on purpose. This whole thing was very juvenile. And, if Danielle wanted to go home so bad, why didn’t she just go home and call the police from there? I am still trying to figure out why she ran. Danielle wanted an audience, and she got it.
    If I’m not mistaken, all Ashley had to do was pay some fine that was less than $200 for a misdemeanor.
    Kim G is two-faced. And, I can’t believe that she and Danielle were in the diner eating “disco fries”. If you don’t know what they are, watch the very first episode of Jerseylicious.

  • Former NJ Girl

    I USED to love the Bravo “Real Housewives” shows until this NJ debacle revealed its ugly self over the past 3 episodes. Wait, scratch that, this entire season. Really, how stupid do these producers think we are?? These episodes and “dramas” are so contrived and the supposed real life acting, oops I mean portrayal is so contrived.

    Please Bravo, find us some real housewives with normal size homes, with kids who play soccer, dance and fight with each other, and have husbands who get angry at them when the monthly AmEx bill arrives.

    Please leave the mental health patients off the series, it has truly become sad and very hard to watch. I also feel terrible for D’s daughters and watching Ashley take such a terrible turn in life just for her “fans”.

    By the way, can anyone tell me what happened to Ashley’s white Jeep she was gifted for doing so terribly at high school last year that she had to attend summer school? I’ve noticed this season, she only seems to sporting around in the larger model Range Rover?

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I think that’s her mom’s car.

  • Jacqueline Suzanne

    I wish now I had not purchased Teresa’s book “Skinny Italian”!!!!

  • bianca

    Love the recap! Thanks!

  • Mama M

    I, too, had to laugh when Jacqueline was playing games on her phone as she listened to the “energist.” Ha! Did anyone besides me want to smack that smile off Ashley’s face while Chris was trying to talk some sense to her? He should have kicked her out then and there. Better yet, I wish they had arrested her — maybe that would have erased that smile.

    • Relli

      I SO WANTED reach through the screen and give her good smack. Or at least a good thump between the eyes, always did the trick on me.

  • HL

    gosh, this is insane. in a funny way of course! lol

    owh, btw, I just did a comic strip about Fendi peek-a-boo featuring Anja Rubik, Jessica Stam and Baptiste Giabiconi. Feel free to check it out..

    http://haikalciumlowfat.blogspot.com/2010/07/fendi-feat-anja-last-peek-boo.html

    ciao~

  • Misty

    I have used clips from RHOC (Jeena’s son) in my high school psychology class. When school begins this fall, my new class will have Ashley as their subject for analysis. Ashley is NOT a normal 18-year-old but a spoiled brat. Most of my students will probably say they wouldn’t have any teeth left if they dared speak to their parents that way. The NJ housewives are definitely the trashiest bunch of the entire franchise.

  • NCGal

    I agree, Ashley really is a mess. As many have already stated, this is developmentally appropriate, but it is really up to her parents to set limits and consequences and then have the stones to FOLLOW THROUGH FOR GOD’S SAKE!!! I think they should have thrown her butt out of the house after that stunt she pulled and she should have been charged with assault. Nothing like logical consequences to change someone’s behavior. She was completely defiant and arrogant in the aftermath, too which garners little sympathy from this Mama. I swear, people with money seem to have THE most eff’d-up kids.

    • suz

      Let’s face it……not just “people with money”, but any parents who allow their children to appear on reaity tv have the most effed-up kids.

  • suz

    Amanda, I think Bravo should pay you to write your delicious RHONJ recaps. What other possible motive could there be to watch this disgusting mess that passes for entertainment. Speaking of disgusting……that supposed “weave” Danielle was displaying looks like something retrieved from the drain….probably the same drain this show is circling. As ever, you make it all amusing……

  • Jo Marie

    Would anybody watch The Real Housewives of Appalachia? I’m pretty sure I would be just as interested in a group of women who’s interests are not so material. Or who’s needs actually are.

    • JenG

      JoMarie:
      I would like to see Las Vegas, NV or Colorado (ski country).

  • NCGal

    Hey…I live in the Appalachian Mtns. Sign me up! Oops…sorry, were solidly middle-class, kids are all grown, squared away, marriage is healthy, no outstanding foreclosures or warrants, and the kinkiest thing we do around here is sugar our tomatoes ;)

    • JenG

      So funny, I am from NC also!

  • amy

    lol@NCGal, love it. (Appalachian Mt. girl myself)

  • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

    Hey, I live in Atlanta (has of, uh, today), which is at the Appalachian foothills – does that count?!?!? Or maybe in a few years, I can be on Real Housewives of Atlanta…

  • Jo Marie

    I think it might be interesting to find a group of women connected through church or adult education. Even the laundromat might be an improvement! Maybe find them through a pediatricians office? Real Housewives.

    • JenG

      LOL!

  • Mel

    I am not sure if these ladies thrive on drama or if Bravo threatens to cancel the show if there is not a cat fight every episode. But the “women” (and I use that term loosely) are entertaining. I love Caroline she is the only sane one in the bunch. Plus her problems seem a bit more real. Oh by the way Danielle was good in bring up Teresa’s forclosure but what would have been better is to bring up her bankruptcy. My kids fight better than these chicks.

  • Mona

    Amanda
    I wish you would do a blog for Bethenny Getting Married. I love her new show. She also has great purses.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I watch her show and really like it, but there usually has to be a certain amount of stupidity and conflict to make a funny recap. Her show doesn’t make me rage-y enough to create a Housewives-like rant, which probably says something positive about it. But I’m going to do Rachel Zoe Project when it comes back!

  • arlene

    Can’t wait for this season of NJ to end and washington and bev hills housewives begin. Also love Rachael Zoe and Flipping out.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I’m going to be recapping Rachel Zoe! I never have before, but I think it’ll be fun. I’m ready for this season to be over as well.

  • Sher77

    I saw a picture of Danielle cuddling with her girlfriend at a club in NYC.I still think this is just a publicity stunt.

  • Adrienne

    I’m having a problem understanding how and why these women are on the same show together. I understand it makes for “good TV drama”, but if this cast is so violently opposed to each other and “scared” for their safety, why are they still cast together? If Dina left for her own safety & sanity, and Jacqueline’s family is now fearing the retribution that is sure to come, and Caroline refuses to be involved in any situation that includes Danielle, then I don’t understand why the troublemaker Danielle is still allowed to be on this very show. It seems to me that eventually Bravo may end up being sued for instigating violence, causing emotional distress to perhaps every castmember; unless of course this entire scenario is contrived for the storyline.

    We can all see through Danielle’s antics and realize she’s pushing every envelope for as much airtime and attention that she can muster and is riding it all the way to her own eventual destruction. She’s an insecure, paranoid attention prostitution/whore and would be perfect in an underworld of circus freaks, drag queens & strip clubs after her “15 minutes” fame runs its course. Let’s just all pray that she doesn’t get her own spin-off show someday (something I’m sure she’s working towards). I’d have to cancel my cable subscription for fear Bravo Channel would be perpetual Jerry Springer content.

  • Manuela

    The way I understand it, the cast members of all the RH are under contract to not take out restraining orders or orders of protection against one another. In the case of RHNJ, this show flat-out wouldn’t exist it this weren’t true.

    I 100% agree with every poster who expressed disgust, frustration and downright revulsion at Ashley’s behavior. That girl is one f-ing shameful brat who needs a blaring wake-up call; first in the form of a blistering spanking (like the 5-yr old she is) and then finantial independence. Give Ashley the pink slip to her life, Jacqueline and Chris! They’ve got two little boys they need to be concentrating on!

    • NCGal

      Amen!

  • Brandon

    I just wanted to point out something I noticed as I re-watched season one and what has been aired of season 2 .. Jacqueline always said she didn’t want to spoil Ashley like the other kids in their area and buy her a car and what not, but then Chris bought her the Jeep when she had a “breakdown” Jacqueline eventually gave in and gave Ashley the car, but insisted she wasn’t being spoiled and that it was their car but Ashley can use it. Now in season 2 ashlee upgraded and is driving a Range Rover. I just found it odd that they don’t spoil her but I am going to asume they are the ones who gave Ashley the range rover. Anyways, I just wanted to point that out LOL :)