It sure has been a while since we last did this, hasn’t it? Two weeks and a national holiday have passed since we last saw the broads of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Luckily, they’re right where we left them, suspended in eternal housewifery like dead bugs in a middle school science fair display.
I don’t really know of an adequate way to introduce what it was that we saw last night, so I’m not even going to try. Back to your regularly scheduled insanity, already in progress.
Let’s set the scene, for anyone who doesn’t remember: all of the housewives except for Caroline were at some “fashion show” for the horrifically spelled Posche boutique at a banquet facility that is not the Brownstone. Teresa and Jacqueline were seated at a rival table across the room from Danielle and Kim G. Danielle channeled Paris Hilton to irritate them, and when that didn’t work, she got up and went to the bathroom. Teresa followed and camped outside until Danielle emerged so that they could have a confrontation.
Danielle and Teresa finally got the argument that they had both been trying to provoke all night, much to Andy Cohen’s eternal happiness, I’m sure. Everyone was yelling, Kim G. threw Teresa back into her chair after she got up, Danielle started running for reasons that weren’t entirely clear, glasses broke, Jacqueline screamed about court records and guns and Danielle hid in the bushes. Literally, in the bushes. She was crying and hyperventilating and, again for reasons unknown, apparently unable to move.
Just as Kim G. had managed to cure Danielle’s spontaneous paralysis, Ashley ran up behind her and pulled Danielle’s
hair weave, at which point I’d like to remind all of us that these women are adults. Adults at an event. And if you’re actually blinded by fear for your safety, why do you stop right outside of the door to the building that’s holding your would-be attackers? Don’t you keep on hobbling toward the car and your eventual escape, broken shoes be damned? Of course, if she did that, it would likely be hard for the camera crew to keep up and get a good shot…
Danielle was eventually whisked away to the car by Kim’s shocked driver, who later seemed scared enough of Teresa that he actually let her get quite close to the Bentley. Ashley joined her in taunting Danielle from the parking lot, again showing a stunning level of maturity. While Jacqueline was trying to get Ashley and Teresa (who seemed to be loving all of this) away from the car, Danielle was inside wailing about how she just knew that this would happen to her.
And was it just me, or did she say that just a few too many times? In a way, Danielle almost seemed thrilled (in a wild-eyed, manic sort of way) to finally be able to give her ultimate victim performance. She has spent so much time this season telling everyone that the rest of the women want to beat her down, and her biggest wish finally came true. Danielle even saved a balled-up chunk of weave to show during her one-on-one interview, in case anyone was wondering just how much she’s enjoying the opportunity to finally be an actual victim.
Too bad it wasn’t a housewife that messed up her weave. Instead, it was Jacqueline’s terrible brat of a woman-child, who is apparently feral and might need to be on a leash until she’s properly trained. Ashley ran up behind Danielle as she was being lead out of the bushes and tried to, in the words of Sheree from Atlanta, tug on her wig. Except it wasn’t so much a Sheree-on-Kim wig-tug as it was an outright yank without provocation. And also, it was probably full-on assault. Cops were called, reports were written, no one was arrested. We do know, however, that Ashley was later charged and plead guilty to some sort of charge associated with the spat.
Naturally, after everything was said and done, Danielle ran to Danny The Ex-Con and Jacqueline and Teresa went to Caroline to plot further strategy. Danny threatened to compromise his parole to defend Danielle’s dubious honor (WHAT A GENTLEMAN), but all Caroline did was more or less agree with what I’ve said so far. The other women had given Danielle exactly what she always wanted – a police report where she’s finally not the one being accused of crimes.
In addition to consulting Danny, Danielle also spoke with her energist to talk about how Jacqueline and Teresa want to hurt her. Apparently everyone in New Jersey has an energist, since this is the second one that we’ve seen so far this season. The energist (who is also a psychic, which makes her so much more credible) thought that Danielle and Jacqueline should talk it out, just like Dina’s energist thought that she should talk things out with Danielle. We all know how that went.
The energist called Jacqueline, who more or less read her the Riot Act. She wasn’t buying any of the metaphysical BS, which just makes me love Jacqueline more. I suspect that she’s much smarter than her somewhat flaky outer veneer may suggest. When the energist wanted to “cleanse” her (or whatever she was doing), Jacqueline played iPhone games, which is perhaps the only time that I managed to crack a smile in the first 40 minutes of the episode. Not only did I smile, but I actually laughed out loud, probably loud enough to disturb my neighbors.
Next Teresa had to face the music, and by music, I mean Greasy Joe. He seemed to be amused by the entire thing until we got to the weave-tugging part, although Teresa made a decent point – if I thought someone had hit my mom, I’d do a lot worse than yank on her hair extensions. I’m not entirely convinced Ashley actually thought Danielle had hit Jacqueline, but it sure is a convenient line. In the end, Joe gave Teresa double high-fives and a kiss for her participation in the whole debacle, which is entirely predictable if you’ve been following the show for more than, uh, 15 minutes.
Spliced in between all of this stuff, Bravo managed to plant a nugget or two of sanity. Albie wanted to get back in to law school, but in order to do so, he needed a letter from his previous school that would allow him to attend a new university. I guess that’s really the end of the story, as far as this episode goes. Any small hints at sanity that we received last night did not last long.
In the last ten minutes of the episode, Ashley’s actions were finally dealt with. I had warmed up to her a bit over the past few episodes, but Ashley managed to send all of that goodwill straight out the window with a single zebra-clad pout fest. She apparently has a lot of interesting (read: wrong, idiotic) opinions about her rights, including that it’s her right to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, even if that means assaulting someone in front of a professional camera crew. While they’re filming. She seemed confused by the fact that perhaps she was not, in fact, legally entitled to assault people. Then again, she seems confused by a lot of things in life, doesn’t she? For instance, the necessity to hire and pay for an attorney. That one in particular seems like it’s going to be important to learn for future episodes.
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