RHDC: “Did you just have a brunette wig on?”

It’s been two weeks since we last saw the ladies of Real Housewives of DC and what has changed? Well, not much, since the group is still at that party. You know the one – they had the lame grape stomp that produced no grape juice and then Cat yelled “bollocks!” repeatedly and to no one in particular as she escaped. That party.

Cat may be annoying and rude, but she redeemed herself to some of us later in this episode. Before we get there, though, we have to discuss why Tareq Salahi redefines the term “wretched” and visit Lynda’s new house in McLean. It was a slightly boring, oddly paced episode on the whole, but the DC ladies did have their moments this week.

With nary a moment of time passed, we went straight back to the Salahi’s dinner party at their “winery,” and Tareq was enjoying his moment with the cameras while taking as long as possible to explain that he thinks Mary’s daughter stole his car with some friends and took it for a joy ride. Tareq seemed to relish letting that story out as slowly as possible, including the fact that the FBI was investigating. When asked why the FBI was investigating a car theft, he simply said that it was an expensive car. Well. I guess that explains it. I misplaced my Blackberry earlier today, I wonder if I could get the FBI to help me look for it. I mean, Blackberries are expensive phones.

Tareq seemed a little drunk and Michaele, as always, seemed a little coked out, but thankfully Stacie and Jason didn’t suffer any BS (not that it stopped the Awful Twins for dishing it out, of course). Tareq yelled about his polo players, he cussed at Stacie and her husband, he told Michaele not to push him any more. Rarely have I seen such a loathsome display, even on a Real Housewives franchise, and I’ll remind you that I’ve watched two seasons of Real Housewives of New Jersey. The Salahis have truly earned their Awful Twins moniker, and they shall henceforth be referred to as that on this blog, at least until Michaele divorces Tareq.

Luckily for Mary and her daughter, the best way for someone to assume that something is a lie is for Tareq Salahi to say it. His whole existence is like an eternal, nasty Opposite Day, and watching his puffy, watery-eyed face while he was so thoroughly enjoying making Mary cry made me physically angry. My hands get cold when I’m angry, and I had to stick them under my laptop to thaw out during the commercial break so that I could keep typing.

After the commercials, things got back to reality while Cat and Stacie had a pedicure with Lynda to explain exactly how worthless and grating the Awful Twins are. Cat said perhaps the only reasonable thing she’s ever said, in wishing that she would have stayed in order to protect Mary a bit. I would have loved to see the Cat-Drunk Tareq showdown/cage match, but unfortunately we didn’t get to see it.

Mary and her husband later spoke with Lolly about the alleged incident and subsequent Facebook post, and Lolly didn’t seem at all concerned with what Tareq was saying and whether or not anyone would believe him. Mary’s husband offered to get drunk and punch Tareq in the face, and we can go ahead and add that to a list of things spoken about in this episode that I’d really love to see happen. Sadly, it didn’t. And also, clearly, Lolly was never arrested – the Salahis completely made up the whole thing and the police had never heard of any of it.

Since Michaele has no actual friends (either because she’s as wretched as her husband or because Tareq won’t let her have any, your guess is as good as mine), we next saw her going out to dinner with her personal assistant and saying that the other ladies made her feel like Cinderella (in a bad way). She may have been correct that they pick at her a lot, but she makes herself such an easy target that I’m not sure how anyone could blame them. Plus, she’s married to Mr. Awful, which makes her loathsome by association even if she wouldn’t be quite so bad on her own.

Speaking of awful, do you remember that lobbyist woman with the silly makeup from the polo match? Edwina? Well, Cat had lunch with her and totally read her the riot act over healthcare. Edwina looked totally uncomfortable during the entire conversation and she eventually tried to change the subject to cucumber sandwiches. This woman wants to be on TV so badly that she’ll sit there and let a relative stranger make fun of her beliefs and life’s work to her face, and she’ll take it with a smile. And Cat gave it to her.

Luckily for us liberals out there (yep, gotta get a little political here, there was too much of it in the episode to completely avoid it), Cat changed the subject from cucumber sandwiches straight back to Sarah Palin, and then she said that the GOP was dying and that she’d sooner be dead than be a Republican. Lobbyists of both parties are worthy of our scorn, so watching Edwina squirm was kind of magnificent. And if you’re still not convinced, read here about how she buys sheets of money straight from the government in order to wrap gifts, and see how you feel afterward.

At a slightly (but only slightly) less uncomfortable meal, Lynda and Ebong sat down with Stacie and Jason to discuss the fact that Lynda had bought a house in McLean, VA and was leaving the district. Stacie also asked Ebong about Nigeria and got some background information on her father’s origins. Lynda had a bit of a different take on Stacie’s adoption story and then explained how she was at one time refused service in South Georgia because she was white, and you know, I’m just not sure I like Lynda.

I’m from Georgia (albeit Atlanta), and the southern part of the state is not what I would call…progressive. It’s also run almost completely by white people, despite the fact that some parts have large African American populations. White people easily have the upper hand in the rural South, and I’m not sure that anyone who was being honest would disagree. So I’m not saying Lynda was lying, but…she was probably fibbing a little bit, at the least. Like Cat, she seems like she could do with a few lessons on when to keep her thoughts to herself.

One likable thing about Lynda, however, is her real estate. We got to see her give her kids a tour of the new house in McLean, and it seemed pretty great. It even had one of those fun library ladders in the kitchen, although I’m not sure what it was for. Books? Wine? Either would be great. The place seemed pretty enormous and it had its own pool, and the family’s pug peed all over everything and it was THEIRS! I mean, if the dog’s happy, you have to move in.

We couldn’t end the episode without a party, though, so to a party we went. A republican party! About healthcare! Except it only appeared to be a “party” in the loosest definition of the term – if Edwina can afford to wrap gifts in sheets of money, I don’t know why she couldn’t have sprung for more than a third-tier hotel mini ballroom with no decorations and only a few bottles of wine and a veggie plate. Edwina invited Stacie and Jason, the Awful Twins and Cat, although I’m not sure why she thought Cat would be the ideal person to invite. It’s clear that the key to liking Cat is to agree with her, and in this episode, thankfully, I did. If you’re a republican, you probably hated her for the entire show, but I guess them’s the breaks.

The party was mainly a bunch of stuffy white people in blue suits, as Stacie had predicted it would be…and then, mercifully, Cat got there and, well, she went rogue, so to speak. Dressed in full costume, wig and all, as Sarah Freakin’ Palin. The Mama Grizzly herself. Michaele didn’t seem like she got the joke, but apparently someone explained it to her and she managed to make a few cracks about it. Not to worry, though, because Cat made some jokes about Michaele’s bright pink dress too. It all evens out.

Edwina never showed up because she had vertigo and had to go to the hospital, so she didn’t even get to see Cat’s costume and be shocked (although probably not offended, since Edwina’s face didn’t exactly light up when Cat asked for her opinion on Palin). Since starting trouble with the costume wasn’t working, Cat confronted Michaele’s assistant about calling her a bitch at the grape-stomp, which provided a few moments of tension but mostly nothing. And that was how the show ended – not with a bang but with a whimper, as T.S. Eliot would have said. Except T.S. Eliot wouldn’t have watched Real Housewives of DC.