Have we had an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that actually took place in Beverly Hills yet? Most of the first episode featured Sacramento, then Palm Springs and now Las Vegas. Not that I’m complaining – these ladies travel so that we don’t have to. Where do you think they’ll head next? New York? Aspen? Hawaii?
Let’s not focus too much on the future, though, when we have the recent past to discuss. This week, the housewives all pretended to know who Jay-Z was and wandered out to Las Vegas to see him, but really, the episode was more about their relationships with their husbands (or complete lack thereof) than any fun weekend trip.
Our episode began with Camille and her more-than-adequately attractive friend Nick playing tennis on the court for which Frasier paid. Camille, never one to attract undue attention to herself or her body, played in a spaghetti-strap tank top and forwent the use of a sports bra. She also challenged Nick to play in only his jock strap (he didn’t take her up on the offer, unfortunately), mentioned over and over how hot he was, and then said that she likes to play lots of “sports” with him. I guess if I were married to someone as creeptastic as Kelsey Grammer seems to be, I’d probably screw around on him too. I just wouldn’t be stupid enough to joke about it on Real Housewives.
Adrienne, in her continuing bid to be my favorite of the Beverly Hills housewives, decided that she wanted to take the family to Vegas to see Jay-Z at the Palms. As much as I love my parents, and as much as they shuttled me around to punk shows in high school before I could drive myself, it would have been awesome to have a mom who would suggest a Jay-Z concert at a posh casino as a fun family trip. Even better if mom owns the casino.
Naturally, this wasn’t just a family trip, since Adrienne could afford to fly most of the city of Los Angeles to Vegas to see Jay-Z if she saw fit. Instead, everyone would be going! And we do mean everyone – wives, spouses, whoever. So far, Adrienne uses her money exactly how I would – flying my friends around for fun, boozy weekends at various and sundry concerts and sporting events. What use is the money if all you do is work? Although I must disagree with her choice to buy and wear sparkly hair extensions – that’s a bit ill-advised. We all have our moments of poor taste, though. I, for example, own UGG boots.
Over in Lisa’s neck of the woods, she was visiting one of the restaurants that she owns and reviewing menus and presentation with her chef in advance of dinner with the rest of the cast and their spouses. The food looked great, the booze looked great (Dom Perignon RosÃ©!), and when you’re a Beverly Hills housewife, why not get together for random catered dinners with ten or so of your closest friends? Even better if the dinners are served by a hot chef and Lisa’s half-unbuttoned gay houseboy/cater waiter.
Lisa is also in the running for my favorite housewife, because not only did she call out Taylor’s nerdy husband Russell for being incredibly average when Taylor had promised a linebacker, but she also doesn’t like all the phony air-kissing and schmoozing that goes on among the women. Later in the episode, when one of the other wives offered her some NARS Orgasm blush, she declined it because she had already had one that day. Lisa is really trying to usurp Adrienne in my mental housewife hierarchy, and she’s doing a commendable job with her campaign thus far.
Over dinner, Kim announced she was going to go on a date later in the evening and precisely no one cared. Then, Camille complained about missing Kelsey and the level of interest at the table reached new and exciting lows. Camille may be lonely, sure, but quasi-single life can’t be all that hard when you have a house manager and four nannies who work in shifts to make sure that you never actually have to interact with your children in any sort of mildly unpleasant or inconvenient way. Her attempts to commiserate with Kim’s actual singledom and lack of nannies rang a bit false, particularly since Camille still thought her husband was coming home at this point in the season.
After the dinner, the next order of business was packing for Vegas. When you’re a normal person, packing can be a little tricky – I always end up having to sit on my suitcase to get it to zip. But when you’re rich, a whole new dimension of difficulty comes into play. Which gold Louboutins do you take when you have ten gold Louboutins from which to choose? How many pairs of Dolce & Gabbana underoos does your husband need for a weekend trip? Those are the problems that I aspire to have one day.
Over at Kyle’s place, her shoe conundrums were more YSL-centric, and also, she had no idea who Jay-Z was. Those were problems for sure, consider the nature of the trip, but they were far more fun-looking problems than Taylor’s; her husband expects her to pack his suitcase, and he also wanted to skip out on half of the trip. I really hope he has a lot of money, because he’s a total drag and not particularly attractive in any way. Lisa’s husband may be older than he is, but I find him way more attractive. He’s kind of Richard Bransonesque, right?
Once the plane touched down in Vegas, Adrienne took the whole crew for a tour of the famous Hardwood Suite at the Palms. If you remember Real World: Las Vegas, then you’ve seen the Hardwood Suite before, which has an actual court in it, as well as most of the set of your average high-production-value rap video. Every couple was given their own individual suite, of course, and Taylor and her annoying husband immediately set about having a very stilted conversation about how great it’ll be to have a weekend to themselves.
Really. It’ll be great. If Taylor says it enough times, and smiles hard enough (and when she smiles really hard, it’s a little scary, so people just kind of agree with her to make her stop), she can totally make it come true. Magical thinking! Didn’t Joan Didion write a book about that? Joan Didion is never wrong, even if Taylor almost certainly doesn’t know who Joan Didion is. The scene was narrated by Taylor saying that she had really hoped to marry for love instead of marrying to get to a certain place in life, and it seemed as though she should have followed that up with, “But that didn’t really work out, now did it?”
On the other hand, having a hotel room to herself just made Kim feel all the more alone and sad. I don’t have a boyfriend or husband, and perhaps it’s because I’m younger, but I think having a hotel room to yourself is more or less the greatest thing ever. Privacy! The remote all to yourself! Someone comes in the morning to clean up your mess! It sounds like living by yourself, except way better, and I loved living by myself when I had the pleasure of doing so.
Kim didn’t have to throw herself a pity party for too long, though, because it was soon time for dinner. Except, wait, things just got more depressing when everyone sat down to eat. Adrienne’s and Kyle’s husbands both told really sweet stories about the early part of their relationships and Kim looked a little bummed, but then Camille told a story about Kelsey and made everyone else feel better about themselves. Kelsey’s agent set them up! Taylor’s story wasn’t any more uplifting – she had to chase her husband down for months before he relented. Both of those stories make me sad, but who knows, perhaps they gave Kim some hope – there are people in relationships who are far worse off than she is as a single person.
The night didn’t stop there, though. In Vegas, you’re legally required to dance and drink after you eat, so that’s exactly what the group did. Camille shook everything she had and Adrienne’s husband actually stuck some money in her clothes, which didn’t seem to bother Adrienne at all. She clearly has few insecurities about her marriage, which is kind of refreshing and rare on reality television. Camille continued to twerk it all over the dance floor in order to gain maximum attention from both the cameras and everyone else’s husbands, and what do you know, it worked! On other seasons of Real Housewives, her actions would have resulted in fist fights and screaming matches. This time, all her ass-shaking got her was a healthy dose of side-eye from the rest of the cast. Elsewhere on the dance floor, Taylor’s husband danced like the awkward, balding, middle-aged white guy that he is. Everything about that relationship is awkward and disheartening.
At the pool the next day, all of the ladies were decked out in Birkins and YSL Tributes to sit in the cabana and get absolutely no sun. Pretty soon, the Patron shots started coming and Camille accused everyone of trying to get her to drink while she was holding a tequila shot that she herself had enthusiastically ordered moments before. She sipped her shot (I hate when people sip their shots) and soon wanted to talk about her breasts in great detail, right after complaining that women are too catty and not any fun. Not if you’re always talking about your tits, honey.
Before we knew it, dinner was served yet again. Everyone sat around drinking and boozing, and suddenly, Nick the tennis player showed up to “keep Camille company.” Camille speculated that Kelsey had sent him to keep an eye on her, but as Adrienne astutely noted, I’m not sure that would be the guy I’d send to make sure any woman remained chaste and well-behaved. Suddenly, though, we were all distracted from that issue by the blowjob that Taylor seemed to be giving to a giant wad of cotton candy that had miraculously appeared on the table. Not to be crude, but I guess we now know why her husband bought her those lips.
At the Jay-Z show, things were equally ridiculous. Middle-aged Californian white women are perhaps not Jay-Z’s target audience (or at least they weren’t back when Jay-Z had something relevant to say), and although all the women expressed confusion over why they were at the concert during their cut-in interviews, they seemed to be having a great time during the footage from the show itself. Afterward, Camille skipped out on the party while the rest of the group went back to the owner’s suite (except for maybe Nick…did anyone see where Nick went?), and the wives started making harmless jokes about their husbands wearing high heels.
Russell was not amused by any silly implication that he might secretly wear high heels, and upon hearing those remarks, he promptly marched Taylor straight out of the party in the most awkward and obviously controlling way possible. If you have a husband who gets self-serious over something stupid like a joke about men wearing heels, then you should probably check your underwear drawer for missing items after you’ve been out of the house for a few hours. He’s over-compensating for something, and Russell has the lingerie look to him. Remember, ladies – when you marry for money, you’ll earn every penny of it.
When everyone came back from Vegas, Kyle took her daughter shopping and wanted to gossip about Camille. Apparently Camille took exception with the number of questions that Kyle had asked about her upcoming vacation to Hawaii, and she also claims that Kyle made a snide remark about no one caring about Camille without Kelsey around. Kyle admitted asking the questions, which she says were misinterpreted (probably because Camille goes into any interaction with a woman already thinking that said woman is out to get her), but she denied saying anything of the sort about Kelsey.
Since the comment Camille claimed to have heard didn’t fit anywhere in the context of what she and Kyle were talking about, I’m going to have to choose believe Kyle on this one, and Lisa agrees with me, despite being friends with the offended party. Also, Camille is far more annoying than basically anyone else on this show (and, let’s face it, most people on the face of the planet), so I’ll side against her whenever given half an opportunity. Perhaps I’ll start feeling more sympathy when Kelsey dumps her, but it looks as though that Nick guy is just waiting for his shot. Or maybe he’s already had it.