After the utter and complete meltdown I had over this show and the wretched ball of nastiness that is Camille Grammer two weeks ago, I have to thank Bravo for giving me a week off and then throwing me a softball with last night’s mostly charming episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Surely my positive reaction has something to do with the amount of time we saw Camille; my hatred of humanity correlates with the amount of time I have to spend listening to her mispronounce the word “pernicious.”

Instead, last night was mostly about setting up Kim on a date and her ridiculous leopard dress and a swanky party, with some puppies thrown in for good measure. Lest we forget that humans are mostly vile, though, Taylor’s husband was around to make sure that we were unable to forget.

We started with a makeover for Kim, as if Kim’s self-confidence needed to be hit again by the insinuation that she needs to look different. Her makeover really only constituted some sort of Hannibal Lecter-mask electroshock facial, which sort of reminded me of this weird shock boot the physical therapist used to put on my ankle after I dislocated it. Which was totally voodoo, by the way, my ankle still hurts when it rains. Did Kim dislocate her face? I hope not, sounds ouchy. Kyle also took the opportunity to get strapped into the Lecter mask and they both emerged looking exactly the same as they did before they spent all that money.

Over at Lisa’s house, the old guy who Kim would later meet visited with Lisa and Ken. He’s an old British friend of theirs who apparently wasn’t aware that Lisa wanted to set him up again, and she warned him that the woman who he would meet would be short, blonde, feisty and generally not his type in any recognizable way. I don’t know if I’d call Kim “feisty” so much as “defensive,” but I guess that’s similar to telling a friend that a guy has “a great personality” when he’s not all that attractive and you want her to give him a shot anyway. Accentuate the positive! For the entire scene, Lisa’s husband just sat there with five dogs on his lap, which I’m beginning to think is what he does all day.

Elsewhere, in some non-descript pediatrician’s office, Taylor was trying to figure out why her daughter suddenly has rashes and swollen eyes. Surprise! She has a dog allergy. Taylor’s glee that they would be able to get rid of Snowball the Unwanted Puppy just barely hovered beneath the surface of her faux-concern, and she actually managed not to take a victory lap around her kid’s doctor’s office. She took a metaphorical one during her one-on-one interview, blamed her husband for not knowing Kennedy was allergic to dogs even though she obviously had no idea either, and that was that. The dog was dead to her. Or was he? In a later scene, she seemed as though the little pup might have been growing on her just a bit…

Our attention once again turned to Kim, who had lunch with her 14-year-old daughter who had apparently thrown a cheeseburger at one of her previous suitors. Charming. Still, the kid said she wanted Kim to date and have her own life and be with a man who loves her. It was very sweet! Kim looked like she was about to cry! And then she ruined the moment by convincing her daughter to send her lunch back and snapping at the waitress, which legally permits the first restaurant employee who passes the table to tackle her to the ground if he or she sees fit. Don’t squander what little goodwill might be coming your way, Kimmykins.

Camille, instead of doing anything worthwhile or social or even entertaining, instead chose to drag her house manager out to try on clothes for the Tony Awards, thereby giving her the most opportunities per frame to remind us all that she’s married to Kelsey GRAMMER, who is an ACTOR, and he’s in a PLAY. A BROADWAY play. And he got nominated for a TONY. Just in case any of you guys missed any of that. She just wanted to make sure everyone was up on the plot. Thankfully, this was the first and last we saw of Camille for this episode. As a result, I didn’t even have one rage blackout last night.

At Adrienne’s house, Paul was preparing for their eighth wedding anniversary by checking their chef’s menu card, hiring a harpist to play in the living room (How do you even transport a harp?), and encouraging Adrienne to ignore her diet and have cheese dip. I need a Paul in my life – she snips at him, he smiles and understands that snipping is just her way. Pauls for everyone! Or at least for all of us who are at times a bit difficult and headstrong.

He then asked her to step outside to see her anniversary present, which I thought was going to be either a car, a yacht or a yacht made out of cars, and OMG LOOK AT THE PUPPEHHHHHH DAT FACE LOOK AT DAT FACE AWWWWWWWW. Ahem. Excuse me. You might classify me as a “dog person.” The new pup (who looked about a year old and therefore not actually a puppy) is not only a German Shepard, but he’s also actually German! He came all the way from Germany. I wonder if he speaks German? I knew a girl whose chihuahua had been rescued from a shelter in Mexico, and she had to tell him to do things in Spanish because those were the commands he originally learned. Sientate!

In a far less cute and wonderful discussion about a dog, Taylor and her sociopathic, emotionless creep of a husband were talking about whether or not Snowball the Unwanted Puppy could stay. Taylor seemed genuinely concerned for her daughter’s health and her attachment to the dog and even started to cry while Russell sat there with a slack expression and absolutely no concern for her daughter’s health, psyche or existence in general. I’m not entirely sure that he’s even met Kennedy. Were they ever in the same shot at the Mad Hatter party? I don’t think they were. They should use Russell as the villain next season on Dexter. He would probably kill prostitutes, I’m thinking. But only prostitutes who look like his wife.

The scene quickly changed to the episode’s requisite party, this time at the absolutely sick 60,000 square foot house of someone named Mohamed and his six-foot supermodel child bride Julia. With the help of the Twitter hivemind, I found out that this person is Mohamed Hadid, who made his fortune building Ritz-Carltons in the 80s and who now develops luxury properties for billionaires. The house seen in the show was listed for sale in 2009 for a staggering, mind-bending, completely asinine $72 million, and you can see a couple of pictures of the property here. The event was formal (although clearly not that formal, since Lisa brought Giggy the Pomeranian and Cedric the Gay Houseboy) and everyone looked amazing, but the fabulous party was secondary to the fact that Kim was supposed to be meeting Martin, her new boo for life, that night. She showed up late, wearing a skintight leopard corset dress that pushed her boobs up to her chin, which was not so much a first date dress as a get-your-rent-paid dress, but I guess that’s more appropriate than it might have seemed when I first saw her.

It was so appropriate, in fact, that she actually got waylaid by another male guest while on the stroll from the cocktail hour to the dinner table who may or may not have thought that she was a very expensive hooker, but she managed to escape his tight grasp to sit down and chat with Martin, who actually seemed rather polite and interested in talking to her. He even walked her to the ladies’ room, which is more helpful than you would expect when you consider that the house had 17 bathrooms. Everything was going swimmingly after an awkward start, but then Kim had one too many glasses of Cristal (or whatever it is that people who own $72 million houses drink) and declared that she had married the guy from the first blind date she ever went on.

Oh no, honey. Just. No. I can’t work with that. You can’t drop The M Word on a first date. Martin looked panicked, Kim looked oblivious, but luckily everyone soon realized that Cedric the Gay Houseboy had stripped down to his blue-and-green underwear and gotten into the Turkish baths at Lisa’s behest. Also at her behest, the rest of the party went down to “catch” him soon afterward. No better way to distract from a date faux pas than for a hot, nearly naked, dripping wet man to enter the picture.

After the party, Taylor and Kyle went out to lunch to discuss Taylor’s relationship difficulties, and her main question for Kyle was about when she was going to start considering her husband a friend. At first I thought maybe she was kidding, but she wasn’t. She makes me want to “Oh, honey” again but I should probably only do one of those per post, right? She actually wanted to know at which point she should be friends with her husband. Kyle, like a champ, said what the rest of us were thinking – before you marry him.

Kyle was far more diplomatic than I would have been, but considering that I probably would have lunged across the table and shaken Taylor until I was really sure that she was paying attention, I guess that doesn’t really tell you much. She seemed to be hoping that Kyle would tell her that no one really likes her husband all that much for the first few years they’re married and a friendship develops over time, but, uh, that’s not really how it works in the Western world. Taylor’s situation sounds a lot more like what I’ve read about arranged marriages, but since I’m pretty sure Taylor’s dad had nothing to do with any of this, we’ll go on blaming her for it.

But seriously, doesn’t that more or less confirm that Taylor married him for the money? Not that I really had any doubt, but most women in those marriages like to go on and on about how they’re best friends and soulmates and meant to be with their husbands (example: Camille Grammer) in order to keep up appearances. Taylor, perhaps indicating either an abundance of or a profound lack of intelligence, simply out and admitted that she doesn’t see Russel the Sociopath as a friend or even as someone who has her back. What a depressing thought. Even more depressing: Taylor’s Botox’d cry face. Just get a divorce, get your settlement and child support and go on your way, honey. That nerdy-looking prostitute strangler (he’s definitely a strangler) just isn’t worth it.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • johanna

    Great article, but did you only mention child bride because his name is Mohammed? If so this is utterly bigoted and racist.

    • I think my track record on these recaps speaks for itself – I never make a practice of poking fun at anyone’s race in any way, shape or form and I never will. He looked to be about four decades older than her and she looked to be barely out of her teenage years. That’s the only joke that was there. I’m sure that’s a common thing in Beverly Hills among the very wealthy, regardless of ethnic or religious affiliation, and the exact same joke would have been made about anyone. It was a poke at trophy wives and dirty old men, not at any larger cultural sensitivity.

      I hope that clarifies things.

      • shortstuff

        I’m confused are these people upset because his name is Mohammed..because it sounds like it would have been a-okey if his name was Mike. No one seemed to mind any of the other playful snark and satire you bless us w/ weekly. Anyhow, Amanda your track record DOES speak for itself :-)

    • harveydent

      Child bride was clearly not meant to be bigoted and racist, it was in reference to the age of the girl duh.

      • Lorie

        I honestly thought she was his daughter when they approached the guests. Then he introduced her as his wife. She looked to me to be barely 20 years old. Maybe she just looks younger than she is? And if so, I’d love to know her secret.

    • Velvet39

      Gawd. Another one. You “everything is racist” people make normal, intelligent folks want to barf a vegemite sandwich. Trying looking up with RACISM really is. You left-wing, Bill Ayers, Soros-loving jerks don’t deserve the time of day.

      If I don’t like a guy cuz his name is Mohammed that is my problem and my reasons (and others) and it if you don’t like it tough! Go eat some lettuce. I am guessing you are a follower of all these other crybabies who would’nt know a real racist if they took out an AK-47 and put it near your nose!

  • qudz104

    @johanna.. Agreed. I found this comment tasteless.
    Also, i had an arranged marriage but i had time before to meet and befriend my hubby before we got married. Although thats not the point of this recap. Other then that, great recap as usual

    • S

      I just want to say I said the ‘m” word on my first date to my husband of 4 years. Also Taylor does seem to like her puppy and I think she is annoyed that she’s put in a position where she has to take the dog away from her daughter. And her husband doesn’t seem to get it. :(

    • NCGal

      Good G_d! Get a sense of humor, for crying out loud! It’s called PURSEBLOG: a blog, written by insanely funny and witty blogster Amanda Mull who pokes FUN at the ridiculous zeitgeist that is our fascination with the the RH franchise. If you want measured analysis of something serious, go to one of the news-blogs.
      Jeesh, already…

      • Status&Style

        LOVE this BLOG!! Doesn’t Russel look kind of like Tom Arnold? (Without the help of booger sugar). And Kyle’s husband looks so much like John Turturro my head spins!

        I have to say, I miss hating Cammille and her “Jesus complex” this episode…I love to hate her and her big, frozen doe eyes.

        And are you people really serious about “child bride” being racist?? LOL Get over yourselves! If 100 year old Mohamed and his 12 year old wife were white trash, or Irish-American Travellers or Mormons would you have been as offended? You’re actually reading a Purse Blog about RHBH – not he bloody Economist. Take Adrienne’s advice, and get a sense of humor!

  • BeHappy

    oh, how i love Fridays….you took the words right out of my mouth..thanks for the crack up !!
    gosh, how i love this show…….

  • shortstuff

    No…I am pretty sure she said it because he looks like her grandfather….

  • Anna

    Dont worry – your joke was clear and i knew what you meant :) and it was funny coz she does look like a child. I love your re-caps. I never really get a chance to watch theese when they air and have to DVR and watch them later on, so i love your pre-views (in my case). And i love your writting, very witty and entertaining.

    thank you :)

  • BLynnT

    Great recap, Amanda. I, too, was overjoyed at the lack of Camille in this episode. Overall, this episode made me like all the other housewives more, even Taylor, who I actually felt really bad for even though she hasn’t been my favorite so far this season.
    I loved your comments about Paul. Sometimes I wonder if Adrienne (who I adore) pushes him around a bit, but I’m starting to this that less and think now that he just knows his wife well and loves her for being herself.
    And as you said in response to the above comments, I think people who regularly read your writing and recaps would not assume that comment to have been racist or cruel. I read it just as you intended, as a comment on the age disparity, not on any culture.
    Personally, I love your humor and trust that it’s all in good fun. Keep it up!

  • Karen

    He looks like her grandfather, regardless of either one’s race, ethnicity, or religion. @johanna and qudz104, while I’m sure Amanda’s comment didn’t come from a racist place at all, I appreciate knowing that this topic is a particularly sensitive one. When I think about the comment in the context of arranged marriages and the age differences that are sometimes (often? no idea — that’s the problem!) there, I can see your perspective.

  • Chick

    He actually introduced her as his girlfriend.

    Aside from that, you’re right – that house was sick. And given what the other women wore Kim’s dress was embarrassingly out of place. But as she said, she dressed in her preferred style. Who woulda guessed she had an inner tramp.

    Glad it was almost a Camille-free episode.

  • dede

    i didn’t think your comment about child bride was offensive/racist at all. you said far worse things about camille than that… i thought your jokes were hilarious.

    really enjoyed last night’s episode. just being inside that gorgeous house and looking at the lady’s outfits was amazing. i loved the way lisa looked that night. her jewelry is to die for.

    and i have to admit… i love camille’s dresses she was trying on. despite her plastic looking face, her dresses were amazing on her.

  • Lilac

    Love your recaps Amanda! I took that child bride comment in the nature it was intended. It didn’t even occur to me that it could be seen as racist. It just seemed like a typical rich old man with a girl barely out of her teens.

    Taylor says she saw Russell across a restaurant and knew he was the one. SHE pursued him for 3 months and he tried to run.

    She actually has the audacity to say she married for love and not for money. She deserves everything she has. I’m wondering how she got him to marry her? My theory is that she got pregnant the first chance she got. Seems like Russell loves his daughter but could care less about Taylor.

    It seemed like Taylor was pushing hard for the doctor to tell her that Kennedy has allergies to the dog. She is so see-through in that she doesn’t want the dog in the house.

    I don’t even think her lips are just the problem at this point. Can people get plastic surgery to widen their mouths? It’s such a weird mouth even without those duck lips. And there is no way those cheekbones are natural. If you check out older pictures of her at bravo, there is one picture of her as a cheerleader and her cheeks are normal.

    I winced at Kim’s use of the M word. lol And her dress is such a cliche of an older lady on the hunt look.

  • Handbag Lover

    Hey girl great recap, lol. I really feel bad for Taylor. Her husband has a serious control problem. I can’t believe he would rather keep a dog that is making his child sick, then give it away. UGH

  • Pamela

    I have a theory. Have you seen Taylor’s house? Doesn’t her husband have like 10 millions of dollars to invest in whatever he does but their house is small compared to the wealthy in bev hills standards? From the outside, it even looks smaller than Kyle’s house! If he has 10 million dollars to invest in, why not the house?

    Plus I am hearing rumors that he’s broke anyways…I’m starting to wonder thats why she hasn’t divorced him yet but is trying to talk about it because she feels trapped – because the initial reason is that she married him for money.

  • bisbee

    Amanda – in no way did that comment come off as racist – that girl does look like his granddaughter!

    Also…I’m still amazed that Adrienne and Paul have only been married 8 years, and that they have such young children…she’s only 10 years younger than me, and I’m a grandmother! She really looks her age…under the plastic surgery and fillers, that is…but I do like her and her husband!

    Great recap as always…I usually read them before I watch, so they are a great indication of what’s to come!

  • PhotoGirl

    No clarification needed, Amanda. Your track record –and the intent of your comments — speak for themselves. Terrific recap!

  • katieax

    Amanda,
    You are the best blogger out there!!
    I mean the botox cry face!!
    When I saw the Hanibal Lecter style facial masks, I immediately wondered what your comments would be.
    Thanks for keeping me smiling!

  • Amber

    I read these recaps weekly and I love them! I hardly ever comment on blogs but I felt the need to today to let you know (Amanda) that your RH recaps are awesome and your child bride comment was in no way racist.

    I’m glad to know there’s other people out there that view these ladies the same way I do :)

  • Carla

    I was expecting a fancy car or yacht, too! It warmed my core that she was so thrilled with a dog. I do imagine it’s VERY hard to illicit that kind of excitement out of a woman that could buy what ever she wants.

    I was curious if Camille ever got to go to the Tonys and found this: http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/kelsey_camille_tonys_drama_tCcQuJgJibzCV2SlYQikPO . So, hmmm. She’s just such an unsympathetic character I hope they show every nanosecond of her demise.

  • annie

    Amanda – I’m a faithful reader (w/my sister) and I never commented before but I have to now: There is nothing bigoted about you/your blog. (My family is from Qatar and I found nothing offensive in your joke. I’m very tall too…perhaps I should have been offended by the 6 foot tall comment??) You are TRULY a total laugh riot and we love to read your recaps more than actually watch the shows.

    Did you see that recently Camille said that Bravo edited her to make her look like a villian? Poor, sad, silly Camille…I genuinely feel sorry for her. Sigh. Wish we would see more “Jiggy” each week – he’s such a scene-steeler:-)

  • EllenNotAfraid

    “They should use Russell as the villain next season on Dexter. He would probably kill prostitutes, I’m thinking. But only prostitutes who look like his wife.” OMG that made me laugh so hard!!

    I too was happy for the Camille reprieve. But the licking of the wounds…enough! Kyle’s words (whether she said them or not) only stung so hard because they’re TRUE!!

    As always, fantastic recap and it was so much fun tweeting with you last night!

  • mm

    LMAO! Amanda you are too funny! Adrienne is starting to look like the catwoman who destroyed her face up with all that plastic surgery

    • K Sider

      Jocelyn Wildenstein, and I was thinking the same thing!

  • suz

    A theory…..All her life, people have expected Kim to be as sad as her strange, sad eyebrows make her look. Maybe, just maybe, she became the sad person she is because that’s the way people treated her….sort of a self fufilling destiny.

  • suz

    Also…thank goodness, we didn’t have to tolerate the “prenicious” Camille lsst night! Your recaps are always better than the show….but one has to watch the show for the full effect! Thanks.

  • amy

    LOL@ Russell for the Dexter, win! lol

  • K Sider

    Camille’s behavior is somewhat understandable (not acceptable) if you consider that Kelsey asked for a divorce more than a month before the Tonys. So she’s doing RHBH knowing that she’s just minutes away from being an exwife footnote on Kelsey’s wikipedia page. All that self imposed victimization at Kyle’s expense comes from her impending obsolescence. If she werent such a disgusting narcissist I might feel sorry for her.

    • Ladonna

      Camille is a psycho, she constantly tries to make everyone feel that she is a person worth knowing simply because she married a man that was mesmerized by how she danced and the size of her ta-tas. She attacked Kyle for no reason and then said that “Kelsey probably would get a new realtor” NOTE TO CAMILLE: YOU HAVE NO MONEY, NO POSITION, NO EDUCATION, and oh, BTW- YOU HAVE NO HUSBAND NAMED KELSEY OR ANYTHING ELSE!!

  • JenG

    Great recap Amanda!

  • Bridget

    Russell is a creep to the third power. Taylor’s botoxed cry face upset me. That woman IS a child bride and I can so clearly see you that because um… she is (as you said) about 40 years younger. They gotta stop with the close ups on Kyle’s legs – they’re not her best feature, we get already….

  • kemilia

    Great Recap! Loved loved Kim’s hooker getup, wowee, push them puppies up.

    I, being a dog person, got all teary when Adrienne saw her present (I thought it might be a yacht too) and she went nuts over they fact it was a puppy; it’s the only truly unscripted, human emotion I have seen any of the BHHWs display, but that’s only my opinion. And she is looking more and more like that cat woman with ever episode.

    While I didn’t miss Camille, I know we are going to be getting a huge dose of her soon, it’s like Bravo is saving it all up for us, and I kinda look forward to it.

    Yes, I too think Kyle’s legs are not her best feature but her hair always looks great, wonder if it is all hers. I look forward to next week’s recap.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I had trouble understanding how Amanda’s comment could be interpreted as racist. I see that I’m not the only one. I think it’s a bit of a stretch.

    Surprisingly, I sort of missed Camille this week. I’ve come to enjoy the trainwreck that she is. It’s fascinating to watch someone with this kind of personality. Almost like a Sociology or Psychology experiment. If I was still in college, I think she’d be a great subject for a paper.

  • KK

    Great recap Amanda. Does anyone know the brand of the handbag Kyle was carrying at her lunch with Taylor?

  • Ladonna

    And also, before I forget, Camille does not look like a child more than she looks empty. And she is insecure which in light of the last few months re her marriage, she should be. I can’t believe that she would name drop so much and know all along her husband had a new honey. I hear that she took him back to court because he and the new girl friend came without notice to the Hawaiian house. HELLO??? He pays the bills Camille, unless you have exclusive use of the Hawaiian house in a court order, he can come to HIS house anytime he gets ready!! Move on, but you’re getting a little long in the tooth to attract wealthy, handsome, successful men-You may actually have to do something besides acting like his little baby to trap one this time-oh well, karma is a bitch and when you were threatening Kyle to take you and Kelseys business in real estate elsewhere, you should have been thinking about this. You’re a horrid woman and a real piece of work. You have no soul, just empty where your spirit should be.

  • mkat

    Note to self: Hit the loo BEFORE reading Amanda’s recaps. Are there worse consequences than snorting coffee out your nose in laughter? Yes.

  • Velvet39

    ALSO. Julie isn’t a “Child bride”
    If you paid ATTENTION you would know that he introduced her as “my girlfriend”…

    geeze some of you are daftly under-knowledged.

  • Velvet39

    These bobbleheads should be fined $100 every time they say AMAZING.

  • Velvet39

    Johanna – everything is racist to you left-wing loonie tunes. Try figuring out exactly what REAL racism is. Your left-wing excuse for anyone who doesn’t like anyone is always “racist”…get over yourself and go eat some lettuce stalks, save some whales, buy some green lightbulbs and get over yourself.

  • Smith

    it wasn’t until i started watching the show that i realized kim and kyle are paris & niki hilton’s aunts! WEIRRRRD! (ipad)

  • ninjaninja

    The quote in the title doesn’t sound right…(ipad)

  • cl

    Kyle over kim anyday for me haha (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    housewives (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    wish i could live there lifestyle (ipad)

  • Jen

    These women and their little dogs! (ipad)

  • helen

    lol (ipad)

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