Time for some real talk, y’all: My television froze several times last night during the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion, including during some parts that I’m sure were quite funny and/or interesting but will sadly not be included in this recap. Them’s the breaks when you have Comcast, and I suspect I wasn’t the only one having technical difficulties.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t recap what I did see, which is exactly what I intend to do after the jump. Because this was a reunion with no narrative arc or story to follow, however, this recap is a little different. Instead of a retelling, we’re going to cover the ten most interesting things that we learned. Or at least that I learned while my cable was acting right.
1. Kyle knows how much a gallone milk costs. Sort of, anyway. All of the housewives looked momentarily terrified when that question came up, but Kyle was only 20 cents off, which didn’t surprise me. Of all the cast members, she would have been the one that I would have guessed is most likely to go grocery shopping for herself. Well, Kim probably does too, but it became clear as the review wore on that Kim wasn’t in the position to be answering any spur-of-the-moment questions.
2. Lisa’s house is 17,000 square feet. She has to page her husband over the house’s speaker system in order to find him, although one would think that she could just release the pack of tiny dogs to lead her to him by scent. Maybe that’s what they do, but Lisa just didn’t want to admit it on television. I like that mental picture so much that I’m going to go with that, even if it’s not strictly the truth. I don’t like to be hemmed in by reality all the time.
3. Everything was about the divorce. If Camille got called out for saying anything remotely nasty, she immediately demurred and blamed her bad attitude on her divorce stress. She said that Kyle’s husband wasn’t as good as her husband because of their careers? Kelsey wasn’t returning her phone calls. She said that she’s 30% busier than everyone else? Her marriage was already falling apart at that point. At one point, Andy said that she kept throwing things in the “divorce bucket” and gave her some major side-eye, which should indicate that everyone’s favorite gay uncle in the basement is a lot smarter than he sometimes acts.
4. Kim was drunk. So we don’t actually know that, in the factual way, but I know it in the same way that I know that unicorns don’t exist. Despite occasionally making a good point here and there (mostly about the hypocrisy of Taylor’s threatening violents and how she tends to play all sides in a conflict), she seemed to be barely holding on to her focus most of the time and was completely unable to sustain an interaction with someone after firing her opening salvo. Also, the whole thing was a little slurry, methinks. But maybe she talks like that when she’s sober too?
5. Camille thinks that everyone in America thinks she’s delusional just because Kyle said it. And if that, in and of itself, didn’t prove that she’s actually delusional, I don’t know what would. Kyle isn’t magic (and for most of the reunion, she didn’t even come off as all that sympathetic), we don’t believe her just because she tells us things, particularly things that are opinions. The giant mountain of videotaped evidence is much more convincing than anything shrieked by another housewife when it comes to demonstrating Camille’s tenuous grasp on reality.
6. Taylor isn’t getting rid of her lip implant. As she shouldn’t. Surgery sucks, any kind of surgery, and Taylor has plenty of nasty, snark-worth qualities that don’t involve her physical appearance, so if you’re picking on her lip implant, you’re not trying hard enough. A little generalized Botox jab here and there with our ladies is all in good fun, but I still don’t entirely understand why Taylor’s mouth makes people so angry. I’ve seen worse work.
7. Taylor doesn’t think that she stirred trouble in New York or that she plays both sides of conflicts. Remember how we said that there was plenty of evidence that Camille was delusional? Well, add Taylor to the list. People who go around telling others all the things others have said about them when they’ve clearly just been in a fight are stirring trouble, even if it’s the nasty lizard part of their brain that’s telling them to do it and not an entirely conscious thought process. As for playing both sides, I don’t even think I need to elaborate on that. Drunk Kim explained it pretty clearly.
8. Camille is getting in excess of $40 million in her divorce. Andy asked her for a figure and she wouldn’t give it, nor would she confirm the much talked about $50 million number, but when he said that he thought it was going to be in more than $40 million, she didn’t deny it and made one of those faces where you knew she was just dying to tell us what she knows but didn’t want to get a nasty call from her lawyer later or jeopardize her giant settlement. We all know Camille; if she could, she would have given us every last detail of just how rich she’s going to be.
9. Andy Cohen is Lisa’s poor friend. And that’s only one of the hilarious things that Lisa said last night. The montage of her making jokes about sex and poking boobs and being otherwise hilariously British made sitting through the whole mess worth it, and now that Cedric is officially gone, I’d like to know where to submit my formal application to be Lisa’s sidekick.
10. Lisa is Adrienne’s poor friend. Whoever wrote in to the reunion and asked Lisa to comment on Adrienne’s net worth because Adrienne surely wouldn’t was brilliant, and I would like to give a tip of my hat to that person. And naturally, Lisa did so by suggesting that if she were as rich as Adrienne, she wouldn’t be on the show, but rather sitting in bed with chocolates and a gigolo. And not the dog, either.
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