I mean. You guys. I just…I want to break into song right now. I want to find Andy Cohen in New York City this weekend and give him a big bear hug and perhaps a few cheek-kisses for making Real Housewives of Beverly Hills a part of my life. I want to buy him dinner. Even dessert! I’d spring for dessert.

As I had suspected (read: hoped against all hope), Real Housewives of Beverly Hill is indeed the apotheosis of everything that is Real Housewives. These women already come from a culture that encourages plastic surgery, shameless famewhoring and conspicuous consumption with the kind of reckless abandon that usually only comes after a cast settles into their new proto-celebrity roles. Our Beverly Hills ladies were already Real Housewives, we just didn’t know it yet.

First, let’s meet the cast members:

Lisa: Lisa’s last name is Vanderpump, which sounds like a made-up porn name, although she appears to be serious about it. She and her husband Ken, both British expats, have been married for the better part of three decades and have owned dozens of restaurants and bars in several different countires. She has two grown children, many tiny dogs and a live-in gay houseboy named Cedric who is incredibly hot. His cut-in interviews included a button-down shirt open nearly to his navel.

Adrienne: Adrienne’s last name is Maloof, which is far more serious than VanderPump. The Maloofs own the Sacramento Kings, the Palms casino in Las Vegas, a record label and a big skateboarding tournament. Unlike Housewives in other cities, she is very clearly rich. Her husband, Paul, is not a Maloof (but is a plastic surgeon, natch) – she kept her maiden name and did not marry into her wealth, she was born into it (if that makes a difference to you). She body-slammed a child in her introduction, and I’m not sure if he was her child or a random child that she bought for self-defense training, although I think it was the latter. I also think that I might love her.

Camille: Camille’s last name is Grammer, as in Kelsey, as in Frasier, although they’re getting divorced now (but not as of this episode – that’ll come later). She has two kids and four nannies, and the explanation of that whole situation went down exactly as you would expect. She seemed to be principally concerned with ensuring that we knew she used to be a Club MTV dancer, although she did not mention the Playboy stint for which she is probably best known.

Taylor: Her last name is Armstrong, which does not have any meaning to me. She’s from Oklahoma originally and found herself making her television debut in the office of Adrienne’s plastic surgeon husband, getting facial fillers. Her husband is a venture capitalist and she calls herself a “management consultant” and wants to hang on to her business experience, in the event that her husband eventually divorces her for someone younger. Smarter than she looks, that one.

Kim: Her last name is Richards, but her sister’s last name is now Hilton (as in Paris’s mom), and that’s what you need to know. She’s divorced with four kids and was a Disney child star many moons ago, and she believes it when paparazzi tell her that she’s an icon (don’t believe the paps, they’re flatterers). Kim was mostly packing boxes and looking for a new house during her introduction because of her divorce, which will necessitate a move to a smaller home. Unfortunately, she also wants a new baby because babies make houses happy, which is perhaps not the best reason to have a fifth child. I think she has the potential to be the sad Jeanna character for Beverly Hills.

Kyle: Kyle is Kim’s sister and apparently also the handbag lover of the cast. She was also a child actress (she appeared in the originally “Halloween”) and like her sister, seems to have additional children in order to satisfy other emotional needs. But hey, if you’re rich, have a bunch of kids! Have as many as you want if you can make sure they’re taken care of. Her husband deals with real estate and she’s a hypochondriac, although somewhat charmingly so.

Anyway, on to the plot!

Adrienne invited all of the other cast members to see the last Sacramento Kings game of the season, and she flew ‘em all up to Northern California by private jet. Camille seemed a bit irritated to be flying private because it reminded her that she and Kelsey fly commercial more often than private lately, and Kyle seemed irritated because she’s scared to death of flying in general (and also, everything else). I don’t love to fly, but if I were on a private jet with free booze, I might shut up about it and just deal.

Perhaps my favorite part of the flight was Lisa’s little dog, a tiny teacup something or other who wore a sweater, sat on a pillow, and could probably buy and sell me without batting a little doggie eyelash. The dog needs his own show. I respect his power.

When the ladies arrived in Sacramento, they were taken directly from the tarmac to a restaurant by stretch Hummer limo. Once at lunch, Kyle did a nearly flawless English accent while impersonating Lisa, Camille told her to “cover her rat” which I still don’t entirely understand (I think I know what she was talking about, but it wasn’t showing…), and then, for no reason, she told us that Kelsey didn’t wear underwear while he filmed Frasier…awesome. Now I can’t watch Frasier reruns in the middle of the night anymore without that visual…

Kim social status update: she has no friends.

Once at the game, everyone sat courtside and Kyle proceeded to cheer for the Lakers, which I can oddly respect – I’m a Georgia fan, and I couldn’t cheer for Florida even if I were sitting in the University of Florida President’s box, you know? Although for a private plane ride, I might be able to at least keep my mouth shut and feel silently smug. But Kyle doesn’t seem very big on self-control, so.

Kim social status update: she still has no friends.

Back in Southern California, Kim and Kyle got together to have some real talk about the fact that Kim might not be able to find the perfect house for the prefect price and that she needs to reevaluate her approach to making friends. Kim was upset that Taylor wasn’t friendly enough at the basketball game, but really, Kim actually just seemed upset that her life was changing, her marriage had ended, and moving in general totally blows. Those are certainly things worth being upset over, and who can you take that frustration out on if not your sister? With gorgeous, long Demi Moore hair like Kyle has, I’d be taking everything out on her.

As with all series premieres, this episode was more about introducing the ladies than advancing any sort of plot. Be that as it may, this was still the best hour of Real Housewives since New York’s Scary Island episodes, and I might have liked it even more. Ladies, this is going to be good. Also, feel free to discuss the Real Housewives of DC reunion in the comments if you’d like – I wish I had been able to recap them both, but sadly, a new series wins out of a reunion. And my, my, my, what a reunion it was…

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  • JenG

    He didn’t wear underwear while filming Frasier? Wish I had known while watching all those episodes of Frasier. LOL!

  • rfisher

    LOVE these ladies!!!! Great recap Amanda! I can’t wait for next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Camille

    Wow, I didn’t enjoy this nearly as much as you did. I just found all the housewives incredibly sad. With their distorted plastic faces and their sad and somewhat frenetic attempts to stay relevant, I don’t know, I was just totally turned off. Maybe it is because in these tough economic times, I was just so not feeling their silly vapid lives. The only one I even halfway liked was Adrienne Maloof. She is at least a hard worker and a sucessful businessperson. However, her features are so distorted from her husband’s heavy handed ‘tweaking’ that it is like watching a science experiment instead of a real live human face. I will try to give them a second look, maybe I was just in the wrong mood to watch.

  • S

    Loved the recap – I haven’t watched it yet and I can’t wait now.

    DC was good. I noticed that Stacy seems to disassociate herself from the rest of ladies – which I think is smart on her part. And watching the ladies (during the course of the season) care so much about what Michaele does and says just showed me that they don’t really love their lives as much as they say they do. Michaele doesn’t strike me as a Danielle (spreading rumors) so I’m not sure why Mary and Lynda particularly spend so much time and energy despising her. Cat really held her own and had decent responses to Michaele – “I don’t want my husband to come back.” Lol. I think Michaele’s comment about having someone that loves her may be a good indication of why she sticks to Tareq even though their relationship seems unhealthy. Overall this was my least favorite franchise of the housewives.

  • Jo

    Absolutely loved, loved, LOVED RHOBH! Looking forward to these ladies/season.

    As for RHODC – You’re right Amanda. What a reunion it was….
    What can I say? Mary wants to make known to the world for the 3298752th time that Michaele used to sell her makeup; Linda pops pills for her dyslexia and ADHD, and announced on tv she used to smoke pot and inhale; Cat remains a foul-mouthed ignorant, and impolite you-know-what; Michaele is… Well, Michaele, and can fake-cry in seconds in a real fugly face; and Stacie chooses her words very carefully whenever she speaks, espcially when trying not to say the word “racist”, and is the one who keeps it real the most of the whole gang. JMO.
    With that said, I’m not planning on watching the part two of the reunion. I’ll be turning my TV on in time for RHOBH. :)

  • Lara

    I wasn’t planning on watching RHOBH but might give it a try! Atlanta is so dull, DC is awful, so there is nothing really to watch anymore! I love how Michaele kind of “pouts” her lips and has that fake grin on her face when she knows that she is going to be called on her and Tareq’s BS. I am going to watch the reunion tonight, it’s in the DVR…

  • gpc

    Once the RHOBH season ends, at least everyone on of the ladies can find comfort in knowing they can continue their reality tv careers in the upcoming “Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong – Real Wrong”…

  • Cherish

    I totally agree with this post! This was a great start to a season… most of them start out soooo slow and boring for the first episode(s). I like the characters but I HATE that I can’t tell them apart because they all look so overly done. Its kinda scary actually. But then again, I guess that’s what Beverly Hills is about, so I’m definitely sticking with it.
    As for the RHODC reunion, I like the completely different personalities of the cast… Stacy is my fav and Linda is a close second. I like Mary but she feels soooo reserved or something. Cat is just in need of some therapy and something that gives her a comfort zone. Michaele… well, I just feel bad for her.

  • Sarah

    “The dog needs his own show. I respect his power.” … This recap was amazing, I didnt watch the episode yet, but now I need to.

  • Mishie

    I love, love LOVE the RHOBH! Now, the RHODC’s reunion was as dull as their clothes. Where is the style and glamour? RHOBH brought it but RHODC wore clothes that I could wear to work. I saw no fake eyelashes, extensions just no glamor. I’m glad the show is over.

  • Ellen

    Loved RHOBH!! Can’t wait for this season and it promises to be over the top! I agree with everyone above re: the bad facelifts. Not very good advertising for the plastic surgeons in my opinion. Taylor is downright scary in the wrong light (remember the Seinfeld episode??) As far as the reunion went: why, why, why are they going to drag this out?? What more is there to say? Let it go people. Although, I don’t think I have ever seen Andy so mad when Linda refused to let Tareq come out without Ebong sitting by her. The way he hit those cue cards against his hand….Lookout! Don’t mess with Andy!

  • qudz104

    awesome episode!! im really enjoying this series so far!!

  • mkat

    Great recap. I, too, found a kid-in-the-candy store excitement about the potential these women seem to offer for what I think of as “instructive terribleness.” I shouldn’t feel so gleeful, but I guess they’re getting what they want — attention! Last night I actually found myself thinking: “man, I’m glad I don’t have that kind of money.” Is there anyone out there who finds the pulled-tight and puffed-out facial aberrations to be in way way attractive? I don’t get it…

    On the reunion: I loved how quickly Michaele’s “see, you made me cry” face disappeared when nobody paid attention to it. It materialized so suddenly and then, poof! it was gone. I also loved the disbelief on the faces of the other housewives when Andy was trying to pin her down on the cheerleader bit, but she just kept bobbing and weaving. I am in awe at the impenetrability of her and Tareq’s facade — it’s absolutely bullet-proof!

    • Jo Marie

      I first started watching the housewives franchise when the economic tsunami hit my household in a very big way. I found it so instructive watching silly vulgarities, petty grievances , affronted dignity and ENVY lead these women into dissatisfaction. It put me into an entirely new place of attitude and gratitude. I love my little life! Thank you Andy Cohen.

  • 2manybags

    I love RHOBH! So far it seems like everything I expected the Real Housewives series to be. They all seem to live the fabulous life except for Kim. She’s the odd one out. Can’t wait to see the next episode!

  • qudz104

    ps, if my hubby said i could spend 1000 dollars for every hour on the golf course, you best believe that although i love him, ill let him stay there for a month!!

  • suz

    Phew! What a relief after RHODC. I think RHOBH is going to be fun…..if I can figure out which one is which. They all look the same….pretty scary…like aged Barbie dolls. Watched a bit of the DC reunion show on DVR this morning….enough to remind me….those women are really boring and stupid….so pathetic, it’s hard to find any humor in the whole thing. So let’s hear it for the Hollywood caricatures/characters of BH!

  • Nikita

    I love this show! Does Adrienne have glitter in her hair or something? Her hair seems to sparkle strangely.

  • hfxshopgirl

    loved it!!! so promising! when they were all in the plane, it was hard not to notice that they all have the same faces, super scary! loved the comments!!! :-)

  • Ping

    What a relief this is a zillion times better than the DC housewives. That said, the reunion of the DC housewives was far better than the actual series this season. Stacey is still a boring goody two shoes, micheale is just a mess, mary still irrelevant, linda too politically correct, and Cat is the only honest one. Bravo must shelf that city.
    On the Beverely hills group, love LISA, Kyle is cool too, totally respects Adrienne, as she works and is tight with her family. Camille is a boring trophy wife (her own words), hardly surprise by the divorce news. Her comments seem out of place and just plain stupid and she is nothing without kelsey Grammer. As for Kim, she needs THERAPY. I can’t look at Taylor, it’s plastic surgery DONT!

  • KFDJewels

    I am hooked for sure. Taylor is hard to look at, those lips frighten me! I really like Kyle & Adrienne the best. I am hoping Camille will become less akward. Four nannies for two kids, really? What does she do all day?

  • Amy

    i enjoyed watching this season of RH, it was easy to watch, RHODC i thought would be entertaining, and it was just a blow up in my face to watch and yet another train wreck. I admit though hearing/watching Kim comment so much about Paris, i could care less, it was soo annoying and Vanderpumps dog was adorable, .. i thought it was funny that Adrienne invited all the women for the Sacramento Kings and yet Kyle was busy cheering for the Lakers.

  • Melissa

    Adrienne is just what I needed. So looking forward to this series. The BH Ladies are my new fave. Thank you Bravo!

  • arlene

    Loved your recap and the RHOBH. Also loved Andy’s show with them.

  • Handbag Lover

    Love the Recap and I can’t wait till Next week! I love the RHOBH!

  • Bri

    This series of the RHW series.
    p.s. What is the designer of the bag that Taylor is carrying during the trip.

  • Kymmie

    Oh my goodness, Mary Shelley has nothing on these Franken-housewives!

  • Lorie

    The Real Housewives of Botox Hills. Interesting how Kim talked about her niece, Paris, but completely overlooked her niece, Nikki.

  • Mochababe73

    After watching this, I am hoping that the DC housewives get cancelled. What a waste of valuable television time. I stopped watching them about 3 weeks ago. I gave the reunion a chance and even it was boring, and I wish that someone would put a muzzle on Cat. That woman needs to learn how to filter her tongue. At her age, she should have learned how to insult someone without them actually knowing that you’ve just insulted them. Maybe she should give me a call.
    I liked the first episode, but I really wish that these women would leave their faces alone. It makes me appreciate how natural the OC wives are. The only pretty one for me is Kyle. She doesn’t look as though she’s had that much done.
    I say get rid of the DC wives and keep the BH wives. The DC ladies will be boring without the Salahis anyway.

  • Ellen

    While I haven’t watched all of the shows, I think that the Beverly Hills housewives are great. I like Lisa, Adrienne and Kyle. Camille is extremely irritating and crazy, but at least entertaining. I feel sorry for Kim and get annoyed with her because she is usually pathetic. (ipad)

  • helen

    They look like nice people. (ipad)

  • Jen

    ^ Haha, Helen, no they don’t. (ipad)

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