So, uh, that was kind of a wild two episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County, wasn’t it? Apologies for missing last week – a bad case of strep throat sidelined me, and I was face-down in a bottle of Nyquil when the Housewives were on, but I’m back! And so are our (not-so-)lovely ladies from Southern California, ready to take a jaunty trip up the coast to San Francisco, shop in stores that aren’t in malls, and go to restaurants that don’t have laminated menus and multiple locations.
But before we can hop the plane, Lynne & Co. have to get kicked out of their house and Vicki’s daughter has to maybe get cancer. To paraphrase Snoop Dogg, there was so much drama in the RHOC this week that I almost don’t even know where to begin.
So I guess we’ll just begin at the beginning. Or, rather, at the ending – of last week’s episode.
Lynne is getting evicted from her house, the one in which she just had an irony-filled housewarming party last week, but we all already knew that. Legal documents that are part of the public record kind of spoil the suspense of reality TV, and luckily, Bravo’s cameras were there to capture Lynne’s two daughters, who are already in desperate need of therapy, receiving the notice all by themselves. The One That’s Not Alexa tried to dissuade the cameraman from filming her by holding up her middle finger over her face, theoretically making the footage unusable (they learn so quickly these days), but the producers just blurred her finger and aired it anyway. Bravo is not concerned about the aesthetic beauty of their reality shows.
When all of this came to light, Lynne and her husband had a very serious discussion in which nothing of any substance at all was said, but the facts of the situation were pretty clear. Lynne obviously had never bothered to take a look at the details of her family’s lease and her husband lied to her about it while he tried to move some non-existant money around to cover the security deposit.
Is it just me, or did Lynn’s surprise over the eviction notice just not pass the Truth Sniff Test? According to the modicum of Googling that I did, it appears that Lynne and…whatever her husband’s name is…Frank? have been kicked out of three previous houses and one since the show wrapped filming, making five total. I’ve never been kicked out of an apartment, but I would guess that once a landlord throws you out on your butt, you stop believing your husband when he assures you that he’s paying the rent.
But that would require Lynne to make decisions based on logic and factual information, and we all know that Lynne’s judgment calls are all based on painkillers and her fascination with shiny objects (which, at this point, includes her new face). So in that regard, I kind of sympathize with her husband, because it must be difficult to be married to an enormous plastic moron (in a later scene, she was shown buying a $1200 leather jacket and brushing off her eviction). On the other hand, he can’t exactly fault her for living in a fantasy world if he has gone out of his way to ensure that she never had to step outside of it. They may get divorced, but there’s no evidence of any papers being filed yet and they’ve already been kicked out of another house, so there’s not much drama there.
In other serious matters, Vicki’s daughter has some irregularities in her throat that apparently run in the family, and she had to have them biopsied. They haven’t given us the results yet and they’re probably benign, but there’s a chance that she might have cancer. She has always seemed like a down-to-earth, reasonable girl and she’s just starting her career, so I hope that she’s ok. Genuinely, no snark.
To cheer her up, Vicki invited her along on an already-planned Girls’ Trip to San Francisco that all of the housewives had agreed to go on without the accompaniment of their spouses. That’s right, Alpha Douche Jim and Beta Douche Simon both stayed home after having such strenuous objections to a different Girls’ Trip just a couple of weeks ago. We don’t get any sort of explanation why, so I’m going to assume that the drama was cooked up over the Florida trip so that we’d have an additional story line. Those producers are tricky little devils.
Off to NorCal they flew, playing with the remotes and lights in their plush first-class seats like none of them had ever been on an airplane before. And, you know, maybe some of them hadn’t. This isn’t a jet-setting group of women. They did somehow manage to choose a pretty nice hotel room, and after they got settled in, it was off to dinner at famous chi-chi restaurant Fleur de Lys. What followed could only be described as face-meltingly awful.
I just…I mean…THEY GOT SEATED AT FLEUR DE LYS BY HUBERT KELLER HIMSELF AND GRETCHEN DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT THEY WERE IN. Not only that, but she had not managed to internalize the idea that whatever restaurant it was, it was kind of important, and that she should act like she knows what’s going on, even if she doesn’t have a clue. In a way, though, I guess that’s what is nice about Gretchen – you know she’s almost always telling the truth because she’s not smart enough to realize that lying would make her look better.
It’s worth mentioning that Keller didn’t exactly look thrilled to be entertaining those broads, and he probably just let them in because of his existing Top Chef relationship with Bravo. To justify the look of irritation that he gave them on the way in, Tamra ordered a salad for her entree, Lynne announced that she was getting evicted, Alexis talked on her bedazzled iPhone the entire time and then hawked a chunk of foie gras into a napkin, and Vicki sat there afterward, dry-heaving in horror. As it turns out, Gretchen was easily the least embarrassing member of the group, and SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY WERE. Set the bar low for these ladies, and they still somehow manage to find a way to wiggle under it.
The girls met up with Vicki’s daughter afterward to have a drink and at at the mere mention of possible cancer, Gretchen was slumped over in tears. We all know that Gretchen’s not an actress of any caliber, let alone one good enough to cry at will, and Tamra finally managed to not make any snarky comments about her dead fiancÃ© or half-naked internet pictures. I thought that maybe, just maybe, these crazy kids would be alright.
Wrong. Take it back take it back take it back. The next day during lunch, Alexis got indignant (she’s been doing that a lot lately) that Vicki took a phone call after Vicki had gotten mad at her for yammering on the phone at dinner the night before, and it somehow spun out of control into issues that had been brought up at Lynne’s housewarming party that had never been resolved.
For what it’s worth, I actually went back and watched this portion of the episode again, and everyone else at the table got made at Alexis for talking on the phone too – Vicki hardly stood out. And, after further reflection, I would also listen to the argument that taking a phone call at a casual lunch is a lesser faux pas than doing so at a formal dinner in a five-star restaurant, but since Alexis has no taste, the distinction would likely be lost on her.
Based on the previews for next week, the altercation between Vicki and Alexis escalates and then spills out into the streets, and one can only hope that one of these women will take a page from the New Jersey or Atlanta book and pull some hair or flip a table or something. Or maybe I don’t want them to do anything too interesting – I get my tonsils out on next Wednesday, and I plan to be far too high on painkillers at this time next week to write my own name, let alone a recap. I will be back the week after, however, and then hopefully ever week after that.