So, uh, that was kind of a wild two episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County, wasn’t it? Apologies for missing last week – a bad case of strep throat sidelined me, and I was face-down in a bottle of Nyquil when the Housewives were on, but I’m back! And so are our (not-so-)lovely ladies from Southern California, ready to take a jaunty trip up the coast to San Francisco, shop in stores that aren’t in malls, and go to restaurants that don’t have laminated menus and multiple locations.

But before we can hop the plane, Lynne & Co. have to get kicked out of their house and Vicki’s daughter has to maybe get cancer. To paraphrase Snoop Dogg, there was so much drama in the RHOC this week that I almost don’t even know where to begin.


So I guess we’ll just begin at the beginning. Or, rather, at the ending – of last week’s episode.

Lynne is getting evicted from her house, the one in which she just had an irony-filled housewarming party last week, but we all already knew that. Legal documents that are part of the public record kind of spoil the suspense of reality TV, and luckily, Bravo’s cameras were there to capture Lynne’s two daughters, who are already in desperate need of therapy, receiving the notice all by themselves. The One That’s Not Alexa tried to dissuade the cameraman from filming her by holding up her middle finger over her face, theoretically making the footage unusable (they learn so quickly these days), but the producers just blurred her finger and aired it anyway. Bravo is not concerned about the aesthetic beauty of their reality shows.

When all of this came to light, Lynne and her husband had a very serious discussion in which nothing of any substance at all was said, but the facts of the situation were pretty clear. Lynne obviously had never bothered to take a look at the details of her family’s lease and her husband lied to her about it while he tried to move some non-existant money around to cover the security deposit.

Is it just me, or did Lynn’s surprise over the eviction notice just not pass the Truth Sniff Test? According to the modicum of Googling that I did, it appears that Lynne and…whatever her husband’s name is…Frank? have been kicked out of three previous houses and one since the show wrapped filming, making five total. I’ve never been kicked out of an apartment, but I would guess that once a landlord throws you out on your butt, you stop believing your husband when he assures you that he’s paying the rent.

But that would require Lynne to make decisions based on logic and factual information, and we all know that Lynne’s judgment calls are all based on painkillers and her fascination with shiny objects (which, at this point, includes her new face). So in that regard, I kind of sympathize with her husband, because it must be difficult to be married to an enormous plastic moron (in a later scene, she was shown buying a $1200 leather jacket and brushing off her eviction). On the other hand, he can’t exactly fault her for living in a fantasy world if he has gone out of his way to ensure that she never had to step outside of it. They may get divorced, but there’s no evidence of any papers being filed yet and they’ve already been kicked out of another house, so there’s not much drama there.

In other serious matters, Vicki’s daughter has some irregularities in her throat that apparently run in the family, and she had to have them biopsied. They haven’t given us the results yet and they’re probably benign, but there’s a chance that she might have cancer. She has always seemed like a down-to-earth, reasonable girl and she’s just starting her career, so I hope that she’s ok. Genuinely, no snark.

To cheer her up, Vicki invited her along on an already-planned Girls’ Trip to San Francisco that all of the housewives had agreed to go on without the accompaniment of their spouses. That’s right, Alpha Douche Jim and Beta Douche Simon both stayed home after having such strenuous objections to a different Girls’ Trip just a couple of weeks ago. We don’t get any sort of explanation why, so I’m going to assume that the drama was cooked up over the Florida trip so that we’d have an additional story line. Those producers are tricky little devils.

Off to NorCal they flew, playing with the remotes and lights in their plush first-class seats like none of them had ever been on an airplane before. And, you know, maybe some of them hadn’t. This isn’t a jet-setting group of women. They did somehow manage to choose a pretty nice hotel room, and after they got settled in, it was off to dinner at famous chi-chi restaurant Fleur de Lys. What followed could only be described as face-meltingly awful.

I just…I mean…THEY GOT SEATED AT FLEUR DE LYS BY HUBERT KELLER HIMSELF AND GRETCHEN DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT THEY WERE IN. Not only that, but she had not managed to internalize the idea that whatever restaurant it was, it was kind of important, and that she should act like she knows what’s going on, even if she doesn’t have a clue. In a way, though, I guess that’s what is nice about Gretchen – you know she’s almost always telling the truth because she’s not smart enough to realize that lying would make her look better.

It’s worth mentioning that Keller didn’t exactly look thrilled to be entertaining those broads, and he probably just let them in because of his existing Top Chef relationship with Bravo. To justify the look of irritation that he gave them on the way in, Tamra ordered a salad for her entree, Lynne announced that she was getting evicted, Alexis talked on her bedazzled iPhone the entire time and then hawked a chunk of foie gras into a napkin, and Vicki sat there afterward, dry-heaving in horror. As it turns out, Gretchen was easily the least embarrassing member of the group, and SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY WERE. Set the bar low for these ladies, and they still somehow manage to find a way to wiggle under it.

The girls met up with Vicki’s daughter afterward to have a drink and at at the mere mention of possible cancer, Gretchen was slumped over in tears. We all know that Gretchen’s not an actress of any caliber, let alone one good enough to cry at will, and Tamra finally managed to not make any snarky comments about her dead fiancé or half-naked internet pictures. I thought that maybe, just maybe, these crazy kids would be alright.

Wrong. Take it back take it back take it back. The next day during lunch, Alexis got indignant (she’s been doing that a lot lately) that Vicki took a phone call after Vicki had gotten mad at her for yammering on the phone at dinner the night before, and it somehow spun out of control into issues that had been brought up at Lynne’s housewarming party that had never been resolved.

For what it’s worth, I actually went back and watched this portion of the episode again, and everyone else at the table got made at Alexis for talking on the phone too – Vicki hardly stood out. And, after further reflection, I would also listen to the argument that taking a phone call at a casual lunch is a lesser faux pas than doing so at a formal dinner in a five-star restaurant, but since Alexis has no taste, the distinction would likely be lost on her.

Based on the previews for next week, the altercation between Vicki and Alexis escalates and then spills out into the streets, and one can only hope that one of these women will take a page from the New Jersey or Atlanta book and pull some hair or flip a table or something. Or maybe I don’t want them to do anything too interesting – I get my tonsils out on next Wednesday, and I plan to be far too high on painkillers at this time next week to write my own name, let alone a recap. I will be back the week after, however, and then hopefully ever week after that.

  • Jean

    I find it funny that most of the ladies are either getting kicked out of their homes or foreclosing on them, bUT they have the idea for a girls’ shopping weekend??? How about get a job and contribute to their sinking household. Ans the fact that Lynn can’t forgive him for not making the deposit on the house….where do you think the nose job/ facelift came from???

    • JenG

      The mone for her facelift was the deposit on the house!

  • Empress

    GET WELL SOON AMANDA!
    The fact that you were ill and left me hanging last week – I will let it go. During last weeks episode when Simon tells Tamara, “this is the MOST unselfish thing you’ve ever done.”(about her crappy tattoo), I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they’d come out my ears and immediately thought, “I can’t WAIT to see what Amanda’s recap says about this mess.” But no recap. I died a little.
    This week… I was actually appalled when Duck Face stated that Fatty “isn’t an active father because he doesn’t change diapers or make food,”…for his kids… What actual father DOES NOT FEED HIS OWN CHILDREN? OMG. What’s worse is that I’m actually LIKING Vicki this season because she’s giving everyone the smackdown.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      When I finally saw last week’s episode of RHOC, I was absolutely BROKEN-HEARTED that I didn’t get to recap it. I threw up a little bit in my mouth when Simon thought that it was so unselfish and wonderful that Tamra had defaced herself with his name, and I couldn’t get over the delicious, delicious irony of watching them do all that crap while knowing that they’re getting divorced. And then Alexis and Jim, with their $2895 hotel room, which I know because he made sure to say it. 7 CARATS!!!

      If I had been well, I would have recapped the entire housewarming party from the perspective of Dustin, the poor bartender that had to stand around and watch all of these awful people claw at each other for the rights to Tamra’s slightly pre-used soul. There was just SO MUCH. Why couldn’t I get sick during one of the filler episodes?

    • shortstuff_106

      Duck Face LMAO!!!!!!!! She does look like a duck. I have been trying to figure out what she looked like since the beginning of this season. THANK U SO MUCH!!!!!

  • Sher77

    Sorry you have to have your tonsils, but you will be done with the tonsilitis after this.I hope everything goes well. Take care.
    These Housewives have not been around very much.To not know who Hubert Keller is,etc. I could go on.Then Alexis spits the fois gras in the napkin, not quietly, like a person with any clue would, but then to make a scene shows, how dumb this women is. Then Wisconsin, I think this is where she’s from, Vicky starts heaving. I don’t know where to start with the HORRIBLE MANNERS these girls have. I’m sure the restaurant staff was in shock. Most people who eat in 5 star restaurants are not this DUMB!
    Lynn buying the $1200 jacket after getting evicted was hard to believe. She needs therapy or something. This isn’t sane behavior.
    Amanda, do you know how much these women get paid for the show?

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      The general consensus on the interwebs seems to be that the OC Housewives get about $100k each for the season. Which, frankly, is low for the market – the twits on the Hills make half of that or more PER EPISODE. But still, 100k to add to whatever else they have bringing in money should theoretically make it possible to at least pay rent.

      • Sher77

        Thanks, Amanda. After taxes, it not a lot of money , but as you say, can’t we pay our rent??

  • S

    I love, love your recaps.
    I was really liking Vicki until the last two episcodes. She really seems to enjoy putting others down and distinguishing herself from the other “stupid people.” And I’m sorry to say this but Don is Vicki’s B***. Don acts like my 11 year old cousin who is very insecure and repeats whatever his older sister says. I don’t know that he could have defended himself well at Lynn’s party if Vicki wasn’t there. SPOLIER ALERT: I only caught bits of this weeks episode, so I visited the bravo website and it shows more of the fight. I’m on Alexis side: if you dish it out, you have to be able to take it. If you go around saying demeaning things, some people will come right back with mean things. And I hate how such a strong woman like Vicki thinks its okay to storm off and cry. In the past several seasons, she seems to enjoy hazing the new woman versus getting to know them (which is such an immature approach to a woman of her age). So I’m glad someone is finally ready to address this annoying side of Vicki. I know, I know I have the unpopular opinion. ;)

    • J

      S, I totally agree with you, unpopular or not. Well said!

  • S

    And one more thing. I hope we’ll see Vicki getting onto Alexis about her excessive phone calls in the reunion episode. Vicki did admit to doing it.

  • Sherrie M

    Did anyone else notice Gretchen wiping her nose frequently? Not a usual tissue wipe but good ol’ one finger under the nostrils wipe. Just saying.

  • Sherrie M

    I also wonder about something else. What’s Alexis’s real story/history? Just because she says they are , ahem, holy, I have a feeling she might have a working girl past. Not the Melanie Griffith’s working girl but the Amanda Dupre/ Eliot Spitzer working girl. Just a thought.

    Most of these women -as we know- are not what they seem. Most. Not all. I want to be fair.

  • Handbag Lover

    First of all, I hope you get well soon, lady! Secondly, now I love the song you put in the recaps because they are so fitting! :) HA! As always I love your recaps! I am really sick of these women, I wish this show will go away. They are sooo boring and phony it is unreal. To quote Diddy they are truly on some “Bitchassness”.

    Lynn’s daughters have a problem and were they hung over? What was wrong with her daughter with the sheet over her head? UGH, these girls really need rehab. Gretchen, Alexis and Tamera need to work. Kroger, Publix whatever but they need to work! I also wonder what happened to slade? How could he go from being paid(having money) and a family man to what he has now? What happened to him. I mean he is a total loser. I don’t know but I see that RHONY is coming back on, so I am glad that this show is over with.

    Happy Valentine’s Day and I hope you feel better soon. :) Hope you get all you wanted on your list. :)

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      It seems like all the men only ever had “jobs” in the loosest senses of the word…remember a few season ago when one of the previous housewives’ husbands was starting an energy drink? It seems like during the good times in SoCal, if you knew anyone at all, you could find someone to float you some money for this or that stupid venture. Now that the economy is dead, it looks like some of those loans got called in.

      That’s just my theory on these folks in particular, but it seems to be true from the evidence available. Vicki is the only one that’s ever seemed to have a job that required her attendance at an office.

      I am in such a Snoop Dogg mood lately…it’s snowing like hell here, maybe I’ll grab that bottle of wine out of the fridge, put some on, and have a snow party.

      • Handbag Lover

        Yeah, come to think of it you are right. I really don’t remember them doing anything but i do remember slade working when he was with Jo. I am just glad this is going to be over but i am glad that RHONY is coming on because i don’t want to miss your blogs. :) Girl it is snowing in Atlanta so get your drink on, I might get a nip of something myself. Snoop is cool, I love it all especially jazz. Just got the new Sade cd so I am too happy.

      • PhotoGirl

        It sounds as if, from a business standpoint, anyway, the late Lou Knickerbocker was the real deal.
        http://www.answers.com/topic/the-l-l-knickerbocker-co-inc

        As for Vicki, I very much admire her work ethic.

    • gallerina

      They need some damn parenting! They don’t need rehab! Sorry but Lynne really pisses me off and I refuse to feel sorry for the fact that she can not root herself in reality.

  • mochababe73

    My favorite housewives are Gretchen, Vickie, and Alexis. I think that it’s time that someone put Vickie in check. She insults the ladies all of the time, and I have no sympathy for her. What kind of friend says I don’t give a “rat’s ass” about your marriage. WTH! What kind of friend is that? These ladies have allowed the Queen Bee to run things including her mouth for the last 5 years.
    From what I can understand by reading the blogs on Bravo is that Alexis was on the phone three times.
    I love the fact that Gretchen is clueless. She’s so funny and real which is why I love her. And you’re right, Gretchen had the best manners. Lynne doesn’t count because she was too high to figure out what was going on.
    Lynne and her family need to get it together. They need to stop trying to keep up with the rest of the ladies. Frank needs to keep it real with her and move into a place that they can afford. Stop givin those girl everything that they want and tell them to get a job.
    By the way, just because you don’t have an office job that requires you to work insane hours everyday doesn’t mean that you don’t work. I found it heinous that Vickie only thought about work when her daughter told her about the doctor’s appointment.

  • JenG

    Bring on New York RH! I am sick of them all!

    • gallerina

      ditto!

    • Nee

      double ditto

  • Jane

    I hope you feel better, eat lots of ice cream!!!!

  • dooneydiva

    I think the point of this show is really that money cannot buy happiness, as is said. Really, the women don’t even realize it but the show exists so we can scoff at their antics. They’re unfortunately too dense to realize that it’s a show intended to make light of their apparently shallow lives. Of course, I love watching what they’re wearing and the bags they come out with BUT other than that, almost every episode demonstrates how thoughtless most of them are. Sad…but quite entertaining!

  • Linda

    Thanks…..always love the recaps since I tend to nod off during the show. Does anyone else think Lynn’s husband also looks “under the influence?’ He seems out of it to me.

    Good luck with the tonsilectomy. I also had mine out “late in life.” LOL It’s supposed to be a kids procedure. Stock up on cold stuff that’s soft and goes down easy, and remember, no straws (very important).

  • amy

    Im excited for the NYC Housewives, i totally missed watching them in the beginning. I would love to see them bring back New Jersey Housewives. and btw im surprised Purseblog has not mentioned the late great alexender McQueens passing?

  • amy

    oh wait nevermind. Just saw the posted segment. NVM.

  • autumnseason

    Not that this is important, just an interesting comparison. The highest paid members of the Hills cast make way more than any of the housewives. Lauren last made $125,000 per episode…While Heidi makes $100,000 per episode, which must pay for her Hermes and plastic surgery.

  • TOD (THE OTHER DENISE)

    Was I happy to find this excellent blog. Amanda you bring it. I watch RHOC and finally get to read your opinions which are all good. Did anyone notice that the girls all put their elbows on the table at dinner? What happened to Tammy Knickerbocker and her wild girls. Her girls and Lynne’s girls would really hit it off. Entitled underachievers.

  • Blue Sky

    Amanda, your blog is the best!!! OMG, LMAO after going back thru your previous posts…too much. The “teabagging”definition on urban dictionary had me laughing so hard i thought i was going to die (specifically the republican def. for teabagging).

    Please please tivo the upcoming episode you will miss due to your operation, & best wishes for a speedy recovery. Then when you are better, you could do your inspired recap. BTW, IMO you are gifted & should be doing comedy like Kathy Griffen or writing for them.

    Your blog is better than the original show, & looking forward to your next recap.

  • aka55

    RIGHT ON, S! Vicki is as mean as a Yellow-Jawed Tommygoff & twice as venomous! She has been notoriously evil since the show’s inception, spending her “valuable time” thinking up mean things to say about those who won’t yield to her demands; concocting ways to ice them out and/or run them off. Very professional use of your precious time,
    Vicki!

    “…Put it away, Alexis…”? Please!!! Don’t get me wrong, though, I’d like to have reached into my set & snatched that phone out of Alexis’ “glitzy,glammy” fingers, and then used it to silence her simpering, nasally, baby talk babble. However, I can’t see my way clear to giving Vicki any moral high ground here; or anywhere for that matter. She is manipulative to the point of being sociopathic. If she doesn’t command attention at any given event, she stomps, storms, pouts, cries (like a spoiled brat) and invokes all kinds of hypochondrical symptoms in her on-going efforts to gain sympathy. Total control for Vicki or vitriolic chaos; those are the options she gives to those unfortunate enough to become enmeshed with her.

    And regarding, Donn, again you’re spot on, S! “…Vicki’s B****; like your 11 year old cousin…”! I nearly wet myself. And…you’re right. It’s easy to be lulled into complacency with Donn. I mean, look at his competition for adulation…the Douche boys, Alpha & Beta (again, Amanda, bloody brilliant!); the OC Ho (can’t bring myself to write his name), Frank (and yes, Linda, I too think he’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal)…by comparison, Donn’s a doll. And the way he talked to Vicki in the limo, after Lynn’s party, almost won me over…but then he slipped into feeling sorry for her & letting her feel sorry for herself. These are not tightly-wrapped grown ups we’re talking about. They are self-indulgent, self-absorbed babies who have the emotional fortitude of a roomful of teen-aged girls. Actually, the night of Lynn’s party, Vicki & Donn both raged, swore, & wept like the Curtin girls. They both possess some of Alexa’s more stellar traits, including the crying, swearing, sulking & hystrionics!

    I, too, have long since grown tired of the RHOC. I’m definitely looking forward to Bethenney Frankel’s barbs & pithy one-liners. The corpse of the OC is so bloated & decomposed, it’s painful to look at anymore!

  • sandy

    funny summary and so on the money.

  • sandy

    i also agree that these OC women don’t realize that people are watching the show so that they can feel superior to them. i think that thought would be incomprehensible to the OC women who really don’t get it at all.