Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, our “ladies” explored the foibles of youth. For the first part of the episode, they talked about their kids. For their second act, they chose to act like children. Literally: they had a sleepover and TP’d Jeanna’s house.

As far as drama goes, there were a few juicy bits, but mostly filler. The saga of Gretchen and Lynn’s daughter persisted, Vicki hired a psychic to make everyone uncomfortable, and Tamra talked about not wanting a divorce that we already know is in progress. Oh, and Alexis’s husband has never changed a diaper in his life, for any of this three children. I found this both completely obnoxious and not at all surprising.

Actually, that pretty fairly surmises my reaction to this entire season.

This episode was again kind of filler-y, which is only fitting in a season that has, thus far, seemed completely like filler. The only useful piece of information that came out of this episode was the the New York housewives come back to us on March 4. Their promos were much more interesting than the show itself.

One of the only recurring story lines that this episode touched was the issue of Lynn’s daughter and Gretchen’s interest with her. Lynn and Gretchen met for a puppy playdate to discuss what transpired with Alexa (that’s her name, right?), and in perhaps the most telling part of the whole interaction, Lynn’s dog actually tried to flee from her.

Lynn groused that Gretchen was undermining her authority as a mother and overstepping her bounds, which probably would have been a very winnable position, had she not agreed that Gretchen’s idea was a good while Gretchen happened to have a camera crew handy. That’s the thing about reality TV: revisionist history doesn’t really work when you’re trying to revise things that were also on the show.

Their squabble spilled into a later phone conversation, during which Gretchen reminded Lynn that she had gotten her permission to speak to her daughter on those specific issues before she ever approached Alexa. When Lynn heard that, she made a face like something was happening in the middle distance that had caught her attention off camera (perhaps something shiny had gotten her attention), and when she finally snapped back and remembered that she was talking on the phone about something that is ostensibly important, she just changed the subject slightly and continued to prattle on.

And then THAT squabbling spilled over into a dinner that Lynn inexplicably agreed to during the previous phone conversation, and Slade got to be the slimiest we’ve seen him yet this season. You see, Slade has a small child (whom I’ve heard is terminally ill), and he’s supposed to pay child support, and he doesn’t. So he probably shouldn’t be criticizing anyone’s parenting decisions. Gretchen doesn’t have kids, as Lynn continues to point out as her trump card, but I’m not entirely convinced that Lynn remembers that she actually has a second daughter most of the time. After all, she’s getting evicted AGAIN – she can’t even remember to pay her rent.

All of that sounds like a lot of drama, but really the entire thing was so incredibly “meh” that I can’t even remember how their dinner ended. The subject of the conversation never made an appearance in the episode, and a few mentions of Tamra were the only weak attempts to somehow relate the storyline back to the rest of the show. Next.

That wild-eyed beast that they call Tamra? Well, her balding son got a job, decided not to go to jail, and apologized to Simon. Hopefully that means we won’t have to see him again for the rest of the season. Next.

Vicki’s son made 40k playing poker recently but still hasn’t gotten his own place. Next.

Ok, yeah, I guess that about covers everything but the “sleepover” party at Vicki’s (I use quotes because no one actually slept over – they packed up their suitcases and left at the end of the night. So it was like a dinner party with sweatpants and jello shots).

She managed to get all five housewives into the same house for a few hours without any major fights erupting, but that was probably because they all had a third (…sixth?) party onto which they could focus their desperate rage: Dougal, a young, kind of adorable (in the “I bet he would do a karaoke version of ‘Bad Romance’ with me while drunk” kind of way) psychic that Vicki brought in to distract everyone from how much they hate each other.

And it kinda worked! These women are such galactic egomaniacs that any perceived slight, no matter how tiny or imagined, was cause for, at the very least, a silent, crossed-arm temper tantrum while everyone else got their fortunes read. In reality, the things that the guy was saying about each of them were very accurate. Whether that’s because he’s a psychic or because he’s seen the show is not for me to say, but no matter how accurate he was, each housewife took her turn saying how he was just so off base. This show is where self-awareness goes to die.

Just to hammer that point home for me (thanks for helping, ladies), they all put on masks and black Juicy Couture track suits like a bunch of bored teenagers to go toilet paper Jeanna’s yard because they all hate Jeanna. The maturity, it overwhelms me.

  • Danieli

    I just love reading your weekly overview of THoOC!!! I am hooked on all the housewives shows, and often wonder why????? trainwreck? No, but I still can’t not watch it. Anyhooo, my normal life exists and I have a ton of fun chatting and bantering back and forth with friends about the episodes. I do have a confession though……maybe not popular, but I love Tamra, I think she is sassy and speaks her mind. I do however think pointing out that her son is balding is a bit low, poor kid! No reason to add to his poor self esteem!

    • Nancy

      I too am hooked on the “real housewives” shows and I completely agree with you regarding Tamra.

      What I don’t understand is all the Gretchen love on the BravoTV message boards. I’m noticing that Gretchen is looking rather dull and hagard this season, not really pretty at all.

  • Jess

    Nice how Lynne can afford plastic surgery for herself and her daughter but can’t pay her rent. Priorities, people!!!

  • sheppie

    Okay, Lynne plays both sides of the fence…kind of passive agressive, don’t you think? First she reels Gretchen in, and then she throws her to the wolves…come on… BTW, I love your synopsis and critique of the story line of the show. I look forward to it every single week. We are all fans of how you write it all up, your point of view is humorous and real…Keep it up! Love your reviews more than the show!

  • S

    Love your style of writing. You’re too funny!
    My two cents: Lynn shouldn’t have agreed initially for Gretchen to take her out. In her defense I think she didn’t realize Gretchen would try and probe her daughter on national television to discuss things with her. And I can’t stant Gretchen and Slade. Slade makes fun of Lynn (or whoever slights Gretchen) and she just laughs!! If I have a disagreement with a friend, and my hubby made fun of my friend, I’d still run to her defense. Especially if I want to continue a relationship with her! Not laugh! Remember Gretchen never really stood up for Lynn when the ladies picked on her. Shows Gretchen’s nature. And seriously why does Gretchen and Slade keep pushing the issue? The advice they gave was unsolicited. And its about other people’s kids. So back off. Lynn was right -they are posers. Frank seems like a nice guy (not so smart with the money though), he tried to be civil. And frankly who are Slade and Gretchen to go around giving advice. I saw the slimy pics on Bravo of Gretchen “acting out” at 31.

    • Lieb

      S – you are so right and I love this blog too-hysterical. I hope each and every one of the housewives reads it and maybe learns something. Something that all of their money, tv prostitution and the OC hasn’t been able to teach them.

      • cj

        I think Lynne needs to lay off the crack!!

  • aka55

    This episode could only have been salvaged if Frank had flipped the table onto Slade.

    Short of that type of action…Check, please! Would someone kindly wake me when March rolls around?

    Btw, serious trouble in Blonde Bomb Land if viewers are looking forward to the Classy Countess & the Pop-Eyed Princess mixing it up again!

  • mochababe73

    I have said once, and I’ll say it again, Lynn must be on some good stuff because NO ONE other than Chrissy Snow can be that ditzy and clueless. I agree about the psychic hitting the nail on the head for each and every housewife. This is the first year that I have ever watched the Orange County Housewives, and I figured all of this out in this season’s first episode.

    Love Vicki, Alexis, and Gretchen. It was pretty boring, but I can’t wait to see next week’s episode. I hope that Alexis really does pull her claws out.

  • JenG

    I agree that Gretchen shouldn’t have laughed when Slade was making fun of Lynn, but I think Gretchen laughs at everything. I believe if someone told her, someone died she would laugh. I don’t think she knows what to do or say when people are talking about anything. If you notice her on the show she is always laughing at comments that are not funny. Maybe it is nervous energy. And Slade should never comment about anybody or anything, he should just keep his mouth shut!

  • Mykull

    In the episode before this one, when Gretchen was having her shopping day with Lynn’s daughter the daughter totally had a breakdown, crying etc….saying that sometimes she feels no one hears her when she talks, and no one realizes that she’s around. Obviously there is some issues there with her but Lynn refuses to see it. Lynn’s comments of oh my daughter tells me everything, I know everything about her….well that’s a bunch of bull. Lynn seems to brush things under the rug or trivialize them instead of dealing with it. Lynn’s trying too hard to be the cool mom who is friends with her daughters instead of being an authority figure hence the scene a few episodes ago at Gretchen’s outdoor party where Lynn’s daughter asked Lynn if she could drink beer at the party and Lynn just kind of laughed and blew it off instead of scolding her for even considering it.

  • Bagolicious

    I agree with Mykull. Lynn is just on her own little, don’t-deal-with-it planet. I remember last year when Lynn’s underaged daughter was sashaying through the house with a drink in her hand and Lynn just had that usual, “Duh” look on her face.

    The problem with a lot of these “types” is that they are so busy dealing with and obsessing over their fading looks, aging, and holding on to whatever piece of man that they can, that they just don’t have time to “really” deal with their kids. Shameful!

  • cassiescloset

    Slade looks like a homeless bum.

  • otter

    Love how they all got in thier big cars and drove home after a night of drinking. Too bad Slade wasn’t in the driveway and one of them could have backed over him.

  • rob

    Now that she’s had the plastic surgery, the only expression Lynne can make is “DUH”!

    She and her husband are completely clueless about parenting their self-absorbed, out of control daughter Alexa. Wake up, people!

    This show (and all the people on it) have given the OC an even more superficial aura than it already had.
    Thank God I grew up there when people cared about people, and not things.

  • Bagolicious

    Rob: True. The show has given Orange County a more superficial aura than it already had. And it “was” different back in the “day”. Although I’m a Pasadenean, our family used to go down there to the beach when we were young, in the 60s and 70s and some of our Pasadenean friends had beach houses there. But after some years, they sold them and bought new ones right on the beach up in Ventura County, a more laid back, real California feel.

    I think part of the problem is that there have been so many transplants into OC and they have turned it into “their” image of Southern California. I’ve seen the same thing happen in L.A. County over the decades.

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  • kATHY

    My fave is OC Housewives. But I am sitting here watching new show NY Housewives. These shows remind me of Knots Landing yrs ago