Last night, sometimes totally unexpected happen: the Real Housewives of Orange County went someplace cold. Canada, to be exact, after a quick explanation that Lydia is Canadian so they all must go to Canada. Yes, that was the entire explanation for the big group vacation, and as far as I can remember, the first time the excursion was even mentioned was approximately 30 seconds before they all boarded the limo for the airport. No matter! All of the ladies were off to a ski resort so that they could have a new set of scenery for their arguments about the same old things.
1. For a moment, out of the corner of my eye, I thought Lydia’s makeup artist was her mom. It’s possible that I just think everyone in Southern California looks alike. In the universe of this show, I think that’s a defensible view, actually.
2. Lydia is from The People’s Republic of Canadia. Or whatever that snowy country up there is called. Personally, I’m with Tamra – it’s cold in Canada and that’s why I don’t know about it. I also don’t know much about Minnesota. It’s not a Canada-specific thing, at least for me. I just prefer to believe that that much snow only happens in, say, Narnia.
3. To prepare for skiing, Alexis bought Lydia a crystal-encrusted Bible. The first three minutes of this episode were incredible, in their way.
4. So maybe Gretchen was offered some lines on Heather’s show? Heather seemed to admit that Gretchen had, at one point, been offered a bit part on Malibu Country but said that the part “went away” and was most definitely not the part that she, Professional Actress Extraordinaire, was currently playing. That doesn’t necessarily seem to contradict Gretchen’s story about having a conflict and declining to be on the show, because even if the show didn’t shoot on the day in question, they did have a table read and maybe Gretchen didn’t feel like going back and forth for Tamra’s dress appointment. Or maybe she got offered and then un-offered. None of that makes the two stories – or at least the current versions of the stories – mutually exclusive.
That Alexis was also called and was unavailable lends credence to Gretchen’s version, even if some of the details are hazy. Mostly, I don’t know why Heather is so defensive about the whole thing. If there’s anything Real Housewives has proved, it’s that not having real skills or experience is not necessarily a barrier when it comes to getting on C-List television, and occasionally that applies to the scripted world as well. Real Housewives is unquestionably a more famous show than Malibu Country, and any of these women would qualify as a “guest star” of sorts. Acting ability not required.
5. Poor, poor Uncle Bill. He was a cutie pie and I’m really glad that no one, especially Vicki, sexually assaulted him.
6. Add “concierge” to the list of words Alexis can’t pronounce. I don’t know who’s keeping the official record, but I hope you have a back brace on when you lift it.
7. Who really cares if a consenting adult has a threesome? If she and Donn were both cheating on each other constantly, as Vicki admitted repeatedly and without caveat in this episode, does it really matter whether Vicki was accepting new partners one at a time or in groups?
8. Lauri claiming that she never said Vicki had a threesome is a classic reality TV move. Between the surgeryface and the friend-of-a-friend porn stars and Lauri trying to weasel her way out the accusation that she spread gossip by claiming that she never said the word “threesome,” only intimated it (which is, like, totally different, you guys), Lauri sometimes seems like a Frankenhousewife built by Andy Cohen in the Watch What Happens Live green room, specifically designed for his reality TV purposes.
9. Let’s take off the goggles, ladies. Watching these uniformly blonde people argue with each other when they’re all wearing mirrored ski goggles and puffy coats makes it really hard to figure out who’s saying what and to whom. Vicki has a really distinctive voice, but other than that, I was lost.
10. I was really hoping that Alexis would pelt someone in the face with her blinged-out Bible at some point. She didn’t, but I haven’t given up hope for next week.
11. I also wanted Vicki to be all, “Yeah, so what, I had a threesome, it’s 2013.” That didn’t happen, but I’m less sad about it.