First, a confession: I got distracted by the ABC special about the Queen of England’s Diamond Jubilee last night and forgot that Real Housewives of Orange County came on at nine, so we’re going to have a bullet-pointed recap today, similar to what I sometimes do for Housewives reunions. I’m on vacation this week, gimme a break!

Still, last night’s episode wasn’t heavy on plot, so I think you’ll find that doing it this way almost as satisfying. There were a bunch of things worth discussing, but the order in which they happened wasn’t particularly important. So, after the jump, you’ll find a quasi-chronological roundup of about a zillion things that I’d like to talk about from last night. Mostly, though, I just wanna snark on Vicki and Alexis.

• At the top of the episode, we dealt with something that had bothered a lot of people about the last episode: Tamra repeating what Terry said about Alexis to Gretchen (did you get all that?). Tamra came clean to both him and Heather, did a bit of a mea culpa, and Heather suggested that when Alexis freaks out about it, they should both confront her about what a shady persona she’s chosen. That’ll go well.
• Someone needs to have an eyebrow intervention with Alexis’ makeup artist or whoever that Oompa Loompa of a human being was. That’s not a good look for a grown woman. Grow that shit out.
• Alexis doesn’t have any full-time nannies anymore, which is quite the difference from the two full-timers she bragged about in her first season on the show.
• The OC Housewives, collectively, own all the ugly pink luggage on the planet.
• Alexis took a white Fendi Spy Bag to Costa Rica. When was the last time Fendi made a Spy Bag? I think I was in college?
• Alexis, who bitched last week about Tamra talking behind her back and claimed that she’s just not that type of person, took the first opportunity to do the same thing to Vicki.
• Alexis thinks that wearing a cubic zirconia means that she’s not in danger from muggers. Apparently Alexis is under the impression that muggers carry jewelry loops and will politely ask to examine her ring before they punch her in the face and yank it off.
• Vicki really needed to take a Xanax and go to bed upon arrival in Costa Rica, but instead, she yelled about her love tank and bladder infections and set the penis rules for the trip.
• I’m pretty sure that Heather was ready to murder everyone approximately 20 minutes after arrival at the resort, and I don’t think that desire abated for the entire episode. I was with her, especially during the car ride in which Vicki wouldn’t stop yelling about her anus. Because it started with an A, and that is the game, DON’T YOU GET THE GAME? IT’S A PICNIC GAME, SO DON’T YOU CALL ME A HYPOCRITE BECAUSE GRETCHEN ALREADY SAID THAT WORD AND THAT MEANS SHE OWNS IT. LET’S SING THE MARY POPPINS SONG.
• In case you think ziplining is harmless, read this and then never leave your house again.
• I don’t understand Vicki’s bizarre fixation on which words her adult, married, mothering friends are allowed to use and when. Usually when someone on this show is an asshole, I understand why that is, because people who go on reality TV are usually unhinged in fairly mundane ways. Why does Vicki need to infantilize her friends? Just because of her unending need for control? But why pick the issue of anatomical words?
• The frizzy hair last night was intense. Almost as intense as my frizzy hair has been for the past two weeks in New York.
• The phrase isn’t “the white elephant in the room.” It’s just a regular elephant. A white elephant is a type of gift exchange that people do at office Christmas parties.
• Alexis thinks that her husband is so brilliant that he can find a way to buy a car, drive it around for a while, and sell it at a profit. Actual car dealers, who buy their stock at wholesale, barely break even on demos that are driven lightly for a month or two and still in their current model year. As Tamra accurately pointed out, a car, unlike a house, is a depreciating asset. She knew that term and everything. Alexis clearly did not care to grasp the concept, which demonstrates exactly why I took Tamra’s side last week; I’ll never have an ounce of patience for anyone who can’t bother themselves to understand even the most basic things about how their lives work. Alexis’ willful ignorance about her family’s finances contributed to losing their home, and still, she can’t be bothered to do anything but take what Jim tells her at face value, simply because it’s the version of reality that she prefers and that makes her feel superior to others. I’ll take Tamra calling someone a mean name any day over that.
• Audiences tend to have sympathy for anyone on this show who gets ganged up on, but most of the discussion with Alexis was fairly reasonable, even if it wasn’t an even-sided fight. It’s clear that the particular negative perception of Alexis that was brought up is something that the entire cast agrees on, and even people who generally profess an affection for her got on board with Tamra and Heather’s concerns. I don’t think that any cast has been so united in their issues with another cast mate since everyone decided that they hated Teresa in New Jersey.
• How drunk was Vicki for this episode, and exactly how much drunker is she going to be next week?