I’m not even entirely sure how to write introductions for Real Housewives of Orange County recaps anymore, mostly because if you’ve ever seen an episode of the series, you already know what happened. The Orange County wives have long been one of the franchise’s better casts, but even their relentless infighting, breast-enhancing and party-throwing seems stale by now. I wish that Bravo had scheduled it for Sundays and the New Jersey wives for Tuesdays so that at least I could recap a cast that seems to have genuine drama.

On the other hand, the clashes between the Orange County cast seem increasingly, uh, producer-encouraged. In reality, I’d be willing to bet that none of these women actually hate each other, which would require a certain level of passion and interest. On the contrary, it seems like they’re all delighted by the opportunity to play-fight for a few months, cash their checks and then spend the rest of the year trying to think of ways to cash even more checks off the infamy that their Bravolebrity status provides. Still, though, we have to have a recap.

We started out at the last place I ever want to see the Real Housewives – at a lingerie store. Because Tamra has brand new boobs (which are still a D), she needed brand new bras, but thankfully, there weren’t any blurred nipples and only one bra shot, of which there tend to be plenty when the Housewives undertake these types of endeavors. Instead, there was obscenity of a completely different variety – Vicki complaining about how all her motherly dreams were dashed by Brianna’s Vegas marriage.

She actually dared to say that the wedding “wasn’t all about them,” in which case “them” is the couple getting married. Then who is it about? Vicki, duh. She wanted to plan parties and impress her friends and be the glowing Mother of the Bride, who has succeeded at life and motherhood because she managed to get her daughter married off in a timely manner, and Brianna has deprived her from all of that life force-giving attention. What would Vicki say if Brianna never got married? That Brianna was being selfish by not working harder to find a dude and allow Vicki to plan a wedding? You know what? That’s probably exactly what she’d say.

Over at Gretchen’s house, more talk of weddings was in the air. Slade and Gretchen’s dad went out for a bike ride, and halfway through, Slade and Dad stopped so that Slade could ask him for Gretchen’s hand in marriage. Slade admitted that he didn’t actually have any idea whether Gretchen would say yes or not, and Gretchen’s dad was similarly dubious. Before he would give his blessing (which, as I’ve mentioned before, is a revolting tradition in my mind), Dad insisted that Slade do some work to clean up his reputation and overcome the negative perceptions that people have of him. Despite some mild protestations on Slade’s part to the idea that he needed to “clean up” anything, the ride continued with no further encouragement from Dad on the subject of weddings.

While Slade and Dad talked weddings, Gretchen and Tamra went out to lunch to do some of the same. First, though, they talked business. Tamra wants to open a fitness studio and offer classes, which is actually not a bad idea in the grand scheme of Real Housewives Side Hustles. It seems like everyone in Southern California likes to work out, and having a famous name attached to a place never hurts. If they run it properly, it might actually work, which is more than I can say for most dumb Housewife business ventures.

On the other hand, Gretchen wanted to talk about what wasn’t working – namely, the idea of marrying Slade. Not only is Gretchen worried that Slade’s debt, including his outstanding child support, would become community property and therefore her financial responsibility if they got hitched, but she just doesn’t seem that jazzed about getting married in general. Her tone wasn’t, “I’d LOVE to marry Slade but I’m worried about my financial wellbeing!” but more like, “I don’t want to marry Slade, and getting married doesn’t even make sense, which gives me a convenient excuse not to do it.” Which, of course, is exactly how Gretchen sounded the LAST TIME WE DID THIS STORY LINE. (Last season? Did Bravo think we forgot?)

Of course, this could all be a set up by producers to raise tensions through the end of the season and create another storyline for Gretchen and Slade after the conclusion of the Pussycat Dolls storyline last week. In fact, that’s exactly what it seems like, and almost assuredly what it actually is. At times, Gretchen and Slade’s entire relationship seems like one big Bravo ruse to add some fireworks to the storyline because everyone hates Slade so much. But, you know, let’s suspend disbelief and see what happens. After all, there’s nothing else to do as long as we’re still watching this trash heap of a show.

Over at Vicki’s house, party preparations were underway. Vicki and Tamra apparently started some kind of wine club, which was supposedly what this get-together was for, but mostly it seemed like it was designed by producers to force Vicki’s family into the same room with Brooks in the immediate aftermath of last week’s wedding announcement. While her makeup was being done, Vicki took the opportunity to bitch and moan some more about Brianna’s wedding and how Vicki’s been crying herself to sleep and how she doesn’t know if it’s a happy or sad time. Hint: When your daughter gets married to her longtime boyfriend, it’s a happy time, no matter how she does it. Vicki also went out of her way to brag about what a close, amazing relationship she and her daughter have, but Bravo helpfully provided more than enough evidence to the contrary. At best, Brianna seems to tolerate her mother because she knows that she can’t help being a self-serving moron.

At the party, Tamra and her son arrived and made small talk, which they opened up to Vicki and Brooks after a few minutes. Once the other guests started arriving, things got slightly less dull, what with all the talk of Tamra having her ill-advised wedding band tattoo cut off of her body. When Vicki’s son arrived, Vicki sent him and Brooks out on the balcony to talk for the first time, and Brooks immediately wanted to gossip about Brianna’s wedding. Mike (I think that’s his name?) shut Brooks down immediately and excused himself from the conversation, which only makes me wonder more how Vicki, the world’s most annoying narcissist, ended up with two employed, mature, functional adult children. Maybe Donn really is that much of a saint?

Brianna and her husband were still en route to the party, and during their drive, Brianna asked a few rhetorical questions about Brooks that I think we’d all like to have answered. Among them: What does he actually do for a living? Why isn’t he with his four kids in Mississippi? Why is he in California all the time if both his work and his kids are in Mississippi? Why haven’t any of those things been addressed so far this season?

After what seemed like 800 years, Brianna and her husband finally arrived to the party. They got there just in time to come inside and find Vicki with the entire party gathered around, announcing Brianna’s marriage in the same tone in which other people might announce the death of a loved one. Vicki actually started crying and prefaced the whole thing by saying that the events of the prior week had changed HER life forever, because it’s important that she remind all of us that the only thing on her mind is how everyone else’s deeply personal life decisions impact her. Her daughter’s wellbeing and happiness? That’s not her concern. Still, Brianna and her husband made the best of the situation and seemed happy that everyone finally knew.

Once people dispersed back into the party, Brooks sauntered over to Vicki and Tamra to declare that their sons were “the bomb dot com” (HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT) and “the real real” (THAT TOO), after having only met each of them for a handful of minutes, and he also declared that he loved Vicki’s son. Vicki seemed to be charmed by all of Brooks’ false, empty declarations, but Tamra was having none of it. I know that Vicki is too hard-headed and narcissistic to listen to anyone else’s opinion (or even allow them to voice it), but it would do her a world of good to listen to someone, anyone, else about Brooks, particularly something with as afine-tuned a bullshit detector as Tamra.

Vicki then excused herself to go address her daughter and new son-in-law and tell them that the night was all about them…and then tell them that it was time to meet her boyfriend Brooks! Against their will! Has Vicki been this bad for the entire seven-season run of Real Housewives, or have her marital troubles and eventual split sent her over the edge in the past season or two? This year in particular, she seems so aggressively deluded and self-serving that I can barely pay attention to anything else that’s going on when she’s in a scene. I find her behavior completely revolting for a grown woman.

Despite Brianna’s reluctance, Vicki did eventually get the four of them in the room together, at which point Brooks tried to lay it on thick about how he had been praying for Brianna through her cancer scare and how it was so funny that she and her mother both ended up meeting southern boys in California (insert self-gagging motion here). Brianna was largely unmoved because Brianna is both logical and reasonable, which means that she smelled the stink on Brooks a mile away.

Which is not to say that Brianna’s role in the meeting was beyond reproach. She called Mississippi the armpit of the country, and although that’s arguably true (and that’s coming from a native Southerner here), it’s also kind of a petty thing to say. Brianna then burrowed into her husband’s shoulder and mumbled a bunch of stuff instead of outright saying what her problem with Brooks was, and if she’s going to say it in the first place, she should stand up and say it. What Brianna should have done overall, though, was shake Brooks’ hand, nod politely through approximately a minute of small talk, and then excuse herself politely from the room to rejoin the rest of the party. Unfortunately, none of that happened and we had to listen to far more of Brooks’ deluded “charm” than I was prepared to deal with.

And finally, although this is not related to a storyline or to anything else, really: Were Tamra and Brianna wearing the same dress?

  • Reality Junkie

    Brianna and Tamra were, indeed weraing the same dress …it was discussed later on Watch What Happens Live that they both shop at the same Saks. (I’m a little surprised Tamra doesn’t work with a stylist or at least do something to make sure such an embarrassing mistake isn’t made).
    And other than Brooks’ “Bomdotcom” and “I love your aon” creepy conversation, the dress was about the most interesting thing that happened.
    Hopefully you can switch over to New York when they debut in June; although I think I heard the promos say that they would appear on Sundays. If that’s the case, they’d probably move New Jersey to Thursday, and then maybe you could switch to them instead!

    • Nancy from SB

       wow….hard to believe something so insignificant as two women wearing the same dress is “such an embarrassing mistake” in anyone’s world. 

      • Reality Junkie

        If it was so insignificant I wonder why it’s been such a topic of conversation in the comments?

  • Kateax

    Love your recaps!  Like Tamra this season. Agree she has the best bullshit detector in the county. Her son Ryan looked good.  Brooks is an opportunist. No job. Driving V’s car. Not good, Viki, not good.  Briana was not in top form last night. She has some pretty justifiable anger at her mom. But I always liked her practicality. 

  • Nancy From SB

    I truly hope Vicki reads your blog, Amanda. You are so correct, her extreme narcissism is absolutely mind-blowing.  I thought this episode was one of the more interesting ones – the Brianna eloping/Vick thinking her daughter’s wedding is about Vicki “story line” reminds me of a Greek tragedy. Brianna seems to be asserting herself against her tyrannical mother, but that last scene where she hid her face like a 4 yr old was just plain weird. I give her a pass, though – given what she grew up with….the poor kid!

  • Jeloi

    Just saw Alexis on General Hospital. To answer your question, Vickie has been this bad the entire seven-seasons.

  • Relli

    YES, YES, YES… as soon as the “the bomb dot com” came out of his mouth, I could not wait for your re-cap today. As well as when poor Michael had to tell the guy straight-up he wasn’t interested in bonding and finding out on Facebook his sister got married. Despite how narcissistic Vicki’s rant about taking the wedding experience away from her was, I was surprised how she was able to understand that if she freaked out about it to Brianna she would only push her away… her therapist probably deserves credit for that because that sounded too lucid to come out of her mouth directly.  I don’t know if Don is a saint but he was clearly the glue holding that family together. Michael & Brianna probably benefited greatly from having him in their lives because when you are always having to be the adult in the relationship with your Mom its easy to develop un-healthy coping mechanisms, which is what I think Brianna was displaying in their encounter with Crooks.

    Stray observations:
    - Tamara’s son is looking less rapey eye twit and more aging hipster in the band… still has eyes that freak me out and a true ginger… what?
    - LOVED the montage of Vicki & Brianna’s “close” relationship
    - I spent most of the party trying to figure out if Tamra and Brianna were wearing the same dress
    - The last 5 minutes of the talking head segments of Brianna & Tamra going back and forth in separate confessionals saying the same things about Brooks and irritated that Vicki doesn’t see it ……. WOW!

    I cannot wait for next week when B and her mom get into it and the crazy eyes come out, also for Barbie Jesus birthday confessionals….

  • jkh

    Yes! Same dress

  • Overviewer

    If you listen closely after the announcement… Brianna and Tamra hug eachother and Brianna briefly looks down and says to Tamra, “Nice dress!”

  • Michelle Schwingler

    You forgot two very important things! 1. Vicki declaring big boobs to be inappropriate and icky. I mean come on, what if they are natural big boobs? 2. How could Ryan afford to purchase a tux when he couldn’t afford furniture for his apartment last week?

    • LuvelyJubley

      Four seconds after Vicki declared big boobs to be ‘inappropriate’ and icky, she got taped as a double F cup.   Hmmm…

      And how are boobs of any size ‘inappropriate’?  They’re just boobs!  I suppose the way a pair of boobs’ owner might choose to display them might be inappropriate, but I’d hardly blame the boobs.  I can’t believe I’m writing this stone-cold sober…

  • Suz

    Great recap…..two comments…..Vicki is starting to look pretty raggedy…no Portrait of Dorian Grey for her.  And, I think Tamara’s new “figure” looks very nice and refreshingly in proportion.  It’s kind of a reminder what normal looks like….and emphasizes how weirdly Barbie Doll the others look.

  • Jonnie

    I think that Tamra’s divorce ultimately made her a better person- away from awful Simon and even though last season she creeped me out with her on-camera sexy time, I think that she’s finally moving back to normal. Vicki, on the other hand, has moved in the opposite direction. I think her divorce has made her worse, and Brooks is so much worse than Eddie. Briana and Michael are probably just hoping and praying she drops this sucker and things go back to normal. I hope they see Donn alot.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I agree, I think Tamra’s divorce has done her light years of good. She hasn’t done or said anything truly repulsive since they announced their split, if I remember correctly. Simon always seemed like a terrible, probably abusive husband, and sometimes having that kind of constant pressure on a person makes him or her act out in other ways, which I think explains the dramatic change in attitude since Tamra split with him.

      • Matthew

        Throwing the drink in Jeana’s face, notwithstanding, she’s been pretty behaved. And funny. I like Tamra.

      • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

        Yeah, throwing that drink at Jeanna wasn’t exactly civilized, but considering Jeanna’s fawning relationship with Tamra’s abusive ex-husband and Jeanna’s apparent attempts to undermine her, I also can’t really blame Tamra for getting overwhelmed. I used to love Jeanna, but her few appearances last season really made me dislike her.

  • Tiff

    RHOC does seem a bit boring lately! Except for when that horrible Sarah showed up the first time @ the bowling alley! I do enjoy having Heather on the show, her and Terry are awesome! Brooks is a bit off…Although Briana was a bit rude, after all she was the one that ran off and got hitched! I am glad they didn’t show much about Alexis..she is blah! Also if I have to see Gretchen perform one more time …I am boycotting the show!!

  • Alena

    I don’t think Mike is that all mature and bright person. He’s employed only because Vicky employed him. Vice versa, he seems quite douche-y and dull. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand Vicky. Brianna was a liiiiiitle bit rude in the scene of introduction of Brooks.
    Strangely, I don’t dislike Slade that much anymore… Maybe because of Brooks? who knows… He’s weird. Vicky is blindly stupid (or stupidly blind).
    I’m surprised that the double-dress didn’t get played up. If it was me wearing same dress as someone else, I would’ve definitely made a joke about it.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      We only ever see tiny snippets of Mike, who seems nervous around the cameras, so I don’t think it’s quite fair to judge him so harshly. He’s probably like most guys that age – a little bro-y, but he ultimately seems to care about his family. He stood up to Brooks, which Brianna was too nervous to do, so he gets a gold star in my book.

  • winterpenny

    I was immediately turned off by Vicki’s self absorbed comments regarding how Briana’s eloping affected her.  There was no concern for Brianna and wondering if she made the decision for the right reasons or rushed into something.  It was superficial things like her not getting to throw parties, etc.  I really dislike Vicki! 

  • NCGal

    My observations: 
    This season is a farce…complete with caricatures, language distortions, double entendres, slamming doors, and unlikely plot-lines.Vicki: alcoholic with co-morbid borderline personality disorder (seriously, she’s textbook)Brianna: along for ride, the hero in most or her scenes
    Tamara: evolving (to use our President’s term), scared of Vicki, at heart, still a scrappy OC version of a Tanya Harding-esque mean-girl
    Gretchen: 100% opportunist, user of all (doesn’t love Slade and WILL dump him the nano-second Bravo looses interest in her), not too sharp
    Gretchen’s parents: the source of Gretchen…’nuf said. They both make me cringe.
    Donn: brilliant for getting his 15 of favorable fame and then getting the flock out of there
    Slade: 100% gigolo (ew)
    Brooks: 100% gigolo (triple ew)Alexis: Delusional and scared at best, a pathological liar at worst. She reminds me of most people I know who present their “deep faith” espousing their devotion to God and Christ in the first 2 seconds of meeting them. Full. Of. Shit.Eddie: mehHeather: a total ruse. She is so obviously playing the Bravo designated role here (poorly, I might add), and I don’t buy her performance for a second.Seriously, this season’s RHOC has all the realness and subtlety of a  80′s Telemundo soap.

    • Suz

      Yowza….. I love learning things from a post.  Can you give a brief layman’s definition of co-morbid part of co-morbid borderline personality disorder?

      • NCGal

        Sure! Co-morbid means it exists and interacts with another disorder…each having their own unique properties.

  • Xvladines

    I think its important to mention that they are donating 10% of the profits to 2 organizations, a domestic violence shelter and a breast cancer organization. 

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I’ll believe it when I see it.

  • ElleOnWheelz

    Funny thing is that Vicki used to be my favorite OC housewife. I don’t know if she was always like we see her now; but the sharp right turn she took into crazy town is disturbing and sad. This fiasco of forcing Brooks down her children’s throats was hard to watch. It was clear to us, a pack of strangers, that inappropriate and clearly made them extremely uncomfortable. That little fact didn’t faze the Vick-ster in the least. Brooks is such an eel he makes Slade look like a boyscout. 

    Tamara in the fitness business okay; but do you remember that’s what Gretchen was looking into with her elderly fiance? Could be why she didn’t seem so jazzed about what Tamara was telling her.  Also this anti-marriage stance of Gretchen’s seems to only apply to broke deadbeats because she was on her way to marrying Santa Claus prior to his demise.

  • Yerani

    Great recap as usual! May I make two observations about the two most annoying women on that show, and if you’re reading this Andy Cohen (which why shouldn’t you be) cut Vicki and Gretchen and find two new crazies who will really entertain us instead of making us vomit in our mouths just a little bit every Tues night…but I digress.
    Observation:
    1. For someone who isn’t interested in getting married Gretchen sure does wear a version of “wedding white” ANY chance she gets doesn’t she? I mean really, who are you fooling you manipulating little opportunist, if Slade had about 8 zeros attached to the end of his bank account statement you’d be vying for your own spin off a la Bethenny and Kim Z.
    2. Does anyone else remember when Tamra got her reduction and Vicki was so grossed out by the small boobs and went on and on about how much she disliked small “boobies” and on this episode she couldn’t complain enough about how grossed out she was by big boobs. I know it’s minor, but such a prime example of what a delusional liar she is!

    • Anonymous

      i noticed the same thing about Vicki – two weeks ago she couldn’t believe that anyone would want small breasts and now she’s saying the exact opposite. I’ve always had extremely large breasts since puberty and absolutely HATE THEM. I’ve Never worn a tank top, halters, tube tops, or spaghetti straps. For my small height, my boobs take over the whole picture and I would happily cut them off completely. I commend Tamra for getting her implants out and wish this world would quit putting so much emphasis on what women carry around on their chests already and focus instead on what is so much more important in life.

  • Ms. Z

    I am a Mississippi native who lives in Georgia now and I am completely offended by the Mississippi comment.  Look people, it is 2012 and guess what, Mississippi is no longer that backwoods.  Of course to superficial people it would still look the same.  I am black and I had a wonderful childhood in Mississippi, and extremely prosperous.  My family and many others did very well for themselves. And yes we wear the designer brands, drive luxury cars, and do the same idiotic things with our money as any other red blooded American!  I had white and black friends growing up but I don’t see a representation of my ethnicity in Orange County, but we are the ones with the issues.  Brooks is not the spokesperson for my state and trust me I don’t endorse him :-).  This dude is a creep regardless of where he is from!  Oh yeah, VICKI SUCKS!

  • LuvelyJubley

    Yeah, I noticed last season that Gretchen’s distaste for marriage appeared to have come on suddenly when she started dating Slade; she said she would’ve been quite happy to marry ol’ what’s-his-face (Jeff!  That was his name!)  had he lived.  I’d go so far as to say, and this is just a theory, that Gretchen is being truthful when she says she doesn’t want to be married; that’s why she keeps dating the unmarry-able.  First a terminally-ill dude 40 years her senior, and now…Slade.
     
     Just Fyi for Gretchen…from personal experience, family court cannot come after a new spouse for child support debt, and a new spouse’s income is not supposed to be a factor in figuring one’s child support liability.   Goodness knows opposing party councel will pull any amount of crap to try to get their hands on a new spouse’s money, but it’s still pretty easy to avoid.  So this whole ‘Gretchen paying Slade’s CS’ arguement for not getting married does not hold water for me.  It makes me wonder, what other debts does Slade have that Gretchen would be liable for if she married him?  How bad off is Slade, really?

    • NCGal

      I think they are both up to their eyeballs in debt, nefarious “business” deals, and are being sued left and right. Slade is a perfect scapegoat because he’s an ass, but I am sure Gretchen has her share of financial “luggage,” too. I wish she’d just have the kind of balls Kim Z has and just cop to the fact that she loves money and big gaudy stuff and be done with it. 

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  • Cathy

    I’m confused as to why you write recaps of a show you obviously dispise.  I found your recaps today and have been reading them for the entire season.  I agree with most of what you say about Vicki, Tamra, Heather, Slade, and Brooks and find myself nodding along with some of your comments about Gretchen and Alexis.  I find your point of view humorous.  But . . . the farther I get into the season there seems to be more and more statments along the lines of “this trash heap of a show” and other not so veiled derisive comments.

    I think those of us that watch the show actually like the show (for the most part) so it gets a little old to hear your negative opinions on Bravo, the Housewives franchise and it’s other crappy shows.

    With that said, I like your style of writing and would read your recaps all the time if I had known they were here before now.  But maybe for your sanity it’s better that you are not going to be doing them anymore.