You knew that when the Real Housewives of New York City Reunion started with Andy Cohen asking if anyone had taken a Xanax before taping started, we were in for…well, we were in for something. It may have been good or bad, depending on how you look at it. We didn’t get to see the best bits tonight since this is a two (or maybe three? Did anyone else catch Andy Cohen saying three? Is he trying to kill me?) part reunion, but there were some things worth mentioning nonetheless.
Because it’s basically impossible to recap a non-narrative screaming match in the way that we normally do, I thought we’d take this opportunity to reflect on the reunion and the season as a whole. It’s time to discussed what we’ve learned.
My new goal in life is to never turn into Jill Zarin. My goal in life used to be to never end up on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, but after seeing Jill passive-aggressively plow herself through the lives of various and sundry housewives, I think that not conducting my life in a similar way is a much more worthy pursuit. So thanks for that, Jill. It’s good that I have something to strive for.
Ramona has what can only be described as Snarky Tourette’s. The montage of every horrific thing she’s said this season was tremendous, as was the replay of her alien runway walk. When Kelly admonished her for saying that she sometimes calls Avery stupid, without missing a beat, she shut her down by saying, “I don’t. I just gave that as an example to make you feel better.” Later, Ramona tried to get up and wander off to have a drink while Kelly was talking. She also couldn’t remember how old she is. I think I love Ramona.
Kelly’s version of events continues to have little, if anything, in common with objective reality. She still believes that Bethenny planted things about her in the press, but she won’t explain where the item was, what it said, if it ever ran, or why she thinks Bethenny is the one that did it. Saying any of those things would be beneath her, because she really doesn’t want to talk about it, she just wants to bring it up, have it taken as fact, and move on. Also, she thinks the time that Ramona called her stupid was the worst thing that Ramona has ever said on the series, which I think we all know is verifiably untrue. Ramona has said way meaner things than that. Also, Kelly actually is stupid, so Ramona gets points for being correct.
The Bethenny/Jill fight wasn’t really about anything that was mentioned during the season. It was about Jill’s raging jealousy over Bethenny’s new show. Jill tried to get Alex and Ramona to not film with Bethenny to dampen interest in Bethenny Getting Married, which Jill denies but Ramona and Alex both swear is true. Since Jill gets the nervous face when she lies, I’m going to have to side with the couch on the left.
In fact, let’s talk about the couches for a second. The housewives were obviously split into teams with Bethenny and Jill as their captains, and the body language coming from each side couldn’t have been more different. It’s possible that the evil living in Jill, Kelly and LuAnn has started to eat them from the inside out and that’s what caused their facial expressions for the entire hour, but they all sat there frowning, fidgeting and muttering to themselves like surly teenagers that had been hauled into the principal’s office.
Jill’s only redeeming quality is her choice in accessories. Her dress and her extensions were bad, but her sky-high green suede Louboutins and armful of awesome bracelets were the fashion highlight of the reunion for me. The big yellow one with the green and blue crystals in the middle – what was that? Tom Binns maybe? I’m on an as-yet-fruitless internet search for it.
This portion of the reunion was decidedly mediocre – all they did was talk about stuff that we’ve all heard them talk about before. I’m hopeful that the next two parts of the reunion will be more interesting, and in all likelihood, they will be. No one on the Surly Couch has been directly questioned yet, and I’m betting that the real fireworks happen when Andy turns his attention on them. Please, for the love of god, let him ask Kelly whether or not she actually thinks Bethenny wants to kill her.
Programming Note: the second part of the reunion airs on Monday but my recap will be posted on Wednesday as a result of previously scheduled Real Housewives of New Jersey ridiculousness.