Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. Real Housewives of New York City? What? Didn’t that already end? No, no it didn’t, because Andy Cohen is personally trying to suck me into a whirring, spitting vortex of Housewifery that will likely leave me, well, in whatever sort of condition that Kelly Bensimon is currently in. Whatever you call that. That’s what he’s trying to give me.
The topics during this portion of the reunion were slightly less varied and scattered, so this recap is going to be Original Recipe instead of Extra Crispy. After the jump, we’ll try to figure out who the viewers hate more – Jill or Kelly? (Actually, that’s a lie, there’s no way we can figure that out. It would be like finding Jimmy Hoffa’s body or something.)
Part two of the reunion started back at the only place it really could – Jill and her many crimes against Bethenny. As it turns out, everyone has a different theory on why Jill’s apologizing now, and none of them contain the phrase “because she’s truly sorry”: Bethenny thinks that fan and press reaction gave Jill a wakeup call – she wants people to like her and she realized that people don’t when she acts like a total hag. Alex agrees – she thinks Jill’s only apologizing to Bethenny in hopes of redeeming herself to the public. Bethenny also thinks Jill might be apologizing because her storyline has suddenly become sympathetic and Jill doesn’t want to be seen as the girl being mean to the pregnant lady, which Jill more or less admitted. That’s an important lesson, kids: it’s ok to be mean to someone until they get married and have a baby. Then, and only then, it becomes totally inappropriate.
On the much-mentioned subject of jealousy, Jill thinks it’s ridiculous that people think she’s angry about Bethenny’s success, which prompted Ramona to remind everyone that Jill specifically asked her not to film so that Bethenny couldn’t “ride their coattails” to increased fame. Jill said that was a lie, but Alex apparently received the same request. Bethenny admits she asked people not to film with Kelly last season, although Bethenny and Kelly have never been friends so that seems a bit different. Not entirely different, but maybe a little. In any case, I totally believe that Jill didn’t want anyone to film with Bethenny. It makes sense, and LuAnn didn’t exactly deny that the same request had been made of her.
Andy finally asked Jill what her blow-up over Bethenny’s father was all about, and after a few moments I couldn’t even follow what was going on. Here’s what I actually DID pick up: Alex said that Jill knew there was a medical issue. Jill said she didn’t. Kelly tried to enter the conversation but eventually got distracted and went back to playing with her bracelet or picking at her nails or something. Even I don’t watch enough Real Housewives to follow what was going on during this part of the reunion.
Most of the first half of the reunion was overtaken by Jill being forced to admit things. Among them, Jill admited that she shouldn’t have kept the infamous Bethenny message and shouldn’t have played it for people. Bethenny says that Jill never contacted her privately to tell her that Bobby had cancer, choosing instead to blindside her on-camera and then blame her for not knowing sooner, and Jill also admitted that’s true. At a certain point, Bethenny actually stood up for Jill and the fact that she had taken enough snarky questions from viewers about her behavior, which was far more mature than I would have been, in that situation – I would have enjoyed watching her squirm. And I did, because I’m mean. During the “admitting” portion of the show Jill tried to escape again, but her skintight dress and sky-high Louboutins made it so hard to walk that she gave up and sat back down.
Then, finally, Jill got some relief and they brought out Sonja! And, I mean, there aren’t even words. I love Sonja, and she might be the best thing that ever happened to this show. They got straight to talking about her sex life and she declined to give her number of weekly encounters but said that she worries that Kelly isn’t having enough. Kelly, for her part, continued to be shocked that one-night stands are common and also continued to conflate no-strings sex with unprotected sex, and at this point, I’m not entirely sure why anyone continues to engage her in that sort of conversation at all. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her string together a sentence that made sense both on its own AND in the context of the conversation, and she did nothing to change that during this portion of the reunion. My hopes are not high for part three.
For her part, Sonja had a great sense of humor about herself (including the nasty comments that Jill made about her during the series) and took the somewhat rude questions from the viewers very well. She admitted being vain, cheap and a little lecherous, and I wouldn’t have guessed that there would be a way for me to love her more, but somehow, I do. For the few minutes where she was the center of attention, she managed to make the other six women look like a pack of braying, bleating donkeys.
Speaking of admissions, LuAnn admitted being a little scared of Bethenny and her “biting” remarks, and Bethenny admitted that she says mean things sometimes but tries to apologize when she should, which seems true enough. Taking a page from Sonja’s book, LuAnn said that she thought it was funny when Bethenny called her a dumb drag queen, which I somehow doubt, but I’ll give her a little credit for at least lying about being upset. I mean, even if you are upset about something trivial like that, at least you shouldn’t cop to it.
Anyway, back to serious things, namely Kelly’s meltdown. The montage of Kelly’s greatest hits was kind of epic – the encounter with the glass door, satchels of gold, cartwheels, zip it, Don King, making out with the tongue, the nasty face she made when Bethenny told her to go to bed…it was all there. Kelly continued to use the term “systematic bullying” to describe what happened to her, which is probably offensive to anyone that has actually been bullied, not to mention also probably not a real term. We’ve all seen that footage a thousand times, and I don’t think that there’s anything in there to support the claim that she was being targeted for any kind of harassment. In fact, her continual badgering of Bethenny over her career was a lot closer to bullying than anything that we saw from any of the other housewives. If I told that to her, I bet her response would be something along the lines of, “That’s not true. Thank you. I appreciate that.” *Insert blank stare here*
Ultimately, Bethenny chimed in to stop the madness and was completely right – it’s futile to talk about Kelly’s meltdown and accusations like they’re eventually going to make any kind of sense, because they’re not. Kelly needs a new therapist or a new agent or SOMETHING, but she just keeps digging a hole for herself that’s got to be getting a little deep at this point. It’s pretty clear that Kelly has managed to coast by for most of her life on her looks and affluence, and now that none of that is helping her, we all get to see that her social skills haven’t progressed beyond the point in her life when she realized she was hot. She apparently felt no need to develop a personality beyond that, which is why even Andy Cohen, of all people, had to call her an outright liar last night.
What Kelly seems to do is simply change her perception of reality when the objective version doesn’t suit her narrative, and she even managed to deny saying something about bullying that she had just finished explaining mere seconds before – even Jill broke ranks for a moment and told her that didn’t make any sense. She eventually got sick of everyone being logical (logic hurts poor Kelly’s empty head) and stormed off, but it appears as though she returns at some point – she’s in the teaser clips for the third segment of the reunion. What’s also in them is Ramona getting in Jill’s face, which I find much more interesting.
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