Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was so scattered and unfocused that I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly what happened. Well, other than Bethenny getting engaged. We know that that happened and thankfully, the cameras weren’t there to witness and record it for posterity. That made me oddly happy – she may have taken a pregnancy test on camera, but at least she got proposed to behind closed doors.
Other than that, there was the usual sniping, gossiping, back-biting and lunching. Various sets of housewives ate and/or drank together in various settings, and then they all met up with different housewives in order to eat and/or drink more and discuss what had been said in their previous conversations. These people talk so much about what they say to each other that I’m beginning to question whether or not they actually do anything. They just talk, and then they talk about talking.
We know who DOES do things, however: Jill’s dog. That’s right, Ginger is a woman of action, even if that action consists only of taking a gigantic dump in Jill’s living room. A dump which launched an episode, around which a the producers tried to build a ministory. That’s what we’ve come to, folks – are we happy to be there? I have to admit, I kind of enjoyed watching Jill clean up poop, even if she had to fit in an insult about some random bystander’s shoes while she did it. Maybe this is her new hobby?
Afterward, in stark contrast to the stark minutiae of Jill’s scene, Bethenny trekked all the way to Brooklyn to have lunch with Alex, her only real friend on the show, and tell her that she had recently gotten engaged. Alex was so incredibly excited about the information and touched that Bethenny had chosen to tell her first that I think she might have gotten a little teary, and thus continued perhaps the greatest image-rehabilitation campaign in Housewives history. She continues to win the season (and you know that they’re all keeping score.)
In other, unrelated lunch meetings, Sonja and Ramona got together and were apparently seated at a table that just wasn’t good enough for them, but they didn’t ask for a different one because they both secretly knew that that’s the best table they were going to get. They chattered about this and that, but the only interesting tidbit to come out of the lunch was that Sonja had met Kelly in passing many times before, but when she saw her at the last episode’s Kodak party, Kelly acted like she had no idea who she was. Ramona mentioned, accurately, that she was sure that Kelly knew exactly who Sonja’s ex-husband was. Funny, didn’t Bethenny have that exact same problem with Kelly last season? And Kelly got distracted by a shiny object and never really explained why she always acted like that?
The next meeting/meal happened between Kelly and her kids in their Hamptons house. She attempted to undertake the relatively simple act of making pancakes from pre-mixed powder and ended up failing at it so horrifically that it compelled one child to wrest control of the stove from her hands and managed to render the other one completely mute, communicating only in sad, small notes that said things like “uh-oh” and “huh?” and “someone please save me from my simpering idiot of a mother.” Ok, maybe I made that last one up. She didn’t actually write that down, but she said it with her eyes.
Speaking of children horrified by their mothers, Ramona announced her impending vow renewal to her daughter Avery over lunch (there’s another one of those conversation lunches!), and it didn’t exactly go well. Avery thought it was silly that she wouldn’t wait a few more years until her 20th anniversary to do a renewal, which is actually a pretty good point. She also wouldn’t accept the job of Maid of Honor without knowing exactly what it entailed. Smart one, that girl. She agreed to participate, although she appeared to be approximately as enthusiastic about the whole thing as Mario. It must be hard to be the spawn of the Ramonacoaster.
In one of the few meetings that didn’t involve lunch or booze, LuAnn went apartment hunting downtown and “accidentally” ran in to Kelly, who then proceeded to help her look at apartments. I’m not sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to show The Countess modern apartments downtown, but she didn’t like the space or the rent (she’s apparently unaware that New York City is obnoxiously expensive) and immediately went out to flag down her favorite rickshaw driver to take her back uptown. I mean, how could anyone expect her to live in an apartment without a doorman? Who would parent her children while she’s out drinking and looking for their next daddy?
Next on the meeting schedule was a three-way between LuAnn, Kelly and Sonja. Sonja and Kelly don’t actually like each other (at all), so I don’t know why they insist on socializing anyway, but it was about as awkward as you could imagine. Sonja set the tone when she announced that she was considering abusing Adderall in order to lose weight, and with every word, Kelly became more and more embarrassed that they banged the same dude at some point in the past. In fact, Kelly won’t even admit she ever did it. (Come on Kelly, we know better.)
In a bid to be the prude of the evening, Kelly said that all she wanted to do was find a dude to marry her so that they could drink beer and have babies together, and LuAnn and Sonja looked at her like she had four heads. Both of them are just looking for someone to split the rent and watch their kids, and in that context, I’m sure that Kelly did sound insane. Actually, Kelly sounds insane in most contexts.
Kelly’s relative purdery just made Sonja redouble her efforts to make everyone uncomfortable, and in doing so she brought up the issue of cheating. She implied that her husband had cheated and then denied it when asked, only to throw the question back at Kelly. Kelly thought that it was rude of her to ask, ignoring the fact that she had asked Sonja the same question approximately four seconds earlier. And then the universe folded in on itself and I passed out for a few minutes.
The furious din of Ramona yelling at her assistants woke me up after the commercial break, bringing me back to consciousness only to feel terrible for Ramona’s poor, abused employees. She appeared to flip out merely for her own entertainment, and they were too terrified to even look her in the face. I think she actually threw things at one point, and then she may have growled. I’m not making that up. I make a lot of things up, but not that.
Then, finally, everyone showed up at some party thrown by Kelly (for what reason, I don’t know) and no one was wearing enough clothes. Kelly’s dress was up around her vijayjay, Bethenny’s breasts were in constant danger of popping out to meet everyone, it was the sort of scene that you’d expect for a Housewives get-together. Mario and LuAnn argued in Italian, Ramona and Kelly pretended like they didn’t hate each other, Jill ran away as soon as she saw Bethenny because Jill is such an adult. Again, typical.
Bethenny finally managed to tell a few people that she was engaged and no one seemed to really care except Ramona, who was improbably excited for her. LuAnn, alternately, took the opportunity to shift the attention to herself and force Bethenny to apologize for calling her a snake (despite the fact that she was totally, completely, irrefutably correct), and Sonja didn’t care because Sonja doesn’t know who Bethenny is.
When Jill, on the other side of the room, was presented with the news of Bethenny’s engagement, she didn’t seem to care at all – she said nothing more than half-hearted “I’m happy for her.” Given the opportunity to turn the news over in her head, however, Jill came to the realization that there was an opportunity to be seized. If she were to pick that moment to make nice with Bethenny, then she could perhaps share in the reflected glow of the good news and maybe even somehow find a way to take partial credit for it. Yes, that is what she would do.
Bethenny was trying to leave, however, so Jill did her best to lunge at her as she walked by on the sidewalk, crowing about her huge diamond (really, it’s big) and trying to awkwardly hug Bethenny, who wasn’t having any of it. And that’s exactly what made Jill the saddest: the realization that her former friend wasn’t going to beg her forgiveness forever. Pretty soon, Bethenny would have a wedding to plan and a life to have and things to think about other than how much she wants to be friends with Jill, and there’s nothing that people like Jill hate more than being yesterday’s news. That’s right: it’s time to stage a comeback. But that’s reserved for next week.