Normally when we talk about the Real Housewives of New York, we say that things went off the rails at some point during the episode. The show usually starts out ok and then ends up not ok, and that means that there was some sort of narrative arc which involved a progression from normalcy to insanity, through some sort of logical (well, usually logical) chain of events.
Well! There was no such thing last night. When the episode started, things were already firmly off the rails and they continued to careen further and further down a metaphorical embankment into a fiery crash at the bottom of Kelly’s life-ravine. It had the sort of wild-eyed, instantaneous chaos that comes with any good explosion, but it also had silly fake photo shoots and dreams of Bethenny butchering Kelly with a butter knife, and that made it even better. If you thought nothing could be more insane than last week’s episode, well, Kelly would like to disabuse you of that notion.
While we were watching last week, did it fail to occur to anyone else that all of that foolishness had managed to occur in a single 24-hour span? For some reason, I didn’t even realize that until we were watching everyone at breakfast on the yacht, discussing the events of the previous evening. The housewives couldn’t even manage to keep things together for the first ten minutes of the show, and less than 10 minutes into the episode Kelly was shouting about whether Bethenny was really a chef and whether or not Bethenny was the one that brought it up (she wasn’t).
As we all know, the best way to stop the fighting is to distract these women with something big and shiny, and soon they were yachting over to a fabulous Moroccan-style mansion where they would stay for the rest of the trip while continuing to yell at each other about things that couldn’t matter any less if they tried. The place was utterly gorgeous (and probably paid for by Bravo – convenient!), yet somehow our ladies (and I use that term loosely) couldn’t manage to behave themselves and enjoy their surroundings for any longer than they do in regular life. Quelle surprise.
On their first evening at the mansion, Bethenny passed out gift bags to all of the other housewives that were, ok, maybe a little heavy on the SkinnyGirl products. But hey, I’d gladly take a free bottle of pre-mixed margaritas if anyone would like to send one my way. Kelly apparently doesn’t get as excited about free booze as I do, because she got her bag, looked through it, and then keeled over like a five-year-old launching into a tantrum and started to cry.
And then she called Jill! Because Jill always makes these situations better. Kelly told her that Bethenny was creepy for going on a trip after her father died and that she had dreams about Bethenny killing her, which she followed up with an insult about Bethenny boobs, which, you know, rocks, glass houses, etc. Even Jill said that Kelly was talking crazy talk, and I guess that she would be familiar with such things.
At breakfast the next morning, Kelly instituted a complaint pad so that if anyone had anything negative to say, they could write it down instead of saying it and causing conflict, but she neglected to acknowledge that she was the only one slinging insults. As a way to demonstrate to all of us exactly how self-aware she’s not, she did not write anything on the pad, and it seemed as though the producers were beginning to mock her silently from behind the cameras.
Sonja didn’t actually manage to witness any of this because she didn’t actually get out of bed on time. Sonja is awesome.
Next, Kelly wanted to have a beach photoshoot, although I’m pretty sure that being previously married to a photographer doesn’t actually make you one. BUT, that didn’t stop her! She put on her enormous Smart Girl Glasses a got out a ginormous camera and took pictures of Sonja acting like a lion, Ramona in a bikini that was made of banana peels and string, and Alex…well, I don’t know what Alex was doing. Bethenny opted to stay home, which was probably the best decision that anyone on this show has made in the past couple of episodes.
Back in colder climates, Jill was barging in on professional figure skating practices in a full costume and chandelier earrings and also planning to barge in on Ramona’s bachelorette trip. But first, she had to consult with LuAnn, because who is Frick without Frack? LuAnn, in an uncharacteristic fit of reasonability, told Jill that “surprising” the everyone in the Caribbean was a bad idea. It didn’t matter, though, because Jill had already convinced herself that everyone would be thrilled to see her, particularly if she brought a gift for Ramona. Because a set of crystal candlesticks makes that kind of insanity acceptable, of course. We get to see the fallout from that flawless decision-making next week.
Again in St. Barts (St. John? Wherever they were), Kelly was freaking out, this time because Ramona asked her to move to another room to talk on her cell phone while they were trying to film a scene, and after she came back and yelled a little bit, she again brought up the fact that she doesn’t think that Bethenny’s a chef right before horking down some of her salsa. And then she made a big deal about having to sit across from Bethenny at dinner and scenes of high school cafeterias flashed in my head.
They all threw back a few drinks and then managed to sit down for dinner, which had been prepared by Bethenny, and Kelly vacillated wildly between being eye-rollingly above it all and trying to make sure that no one could speak without knowing exactly what she thought about whatever they were trying to say, often before they actually managed to say it. And then she once again offered the opinion that the trip was very 1979. And that Bethenny had tried to kill her. Lots of times. And that she wanted everyone to zip it! Zip it! Zip it! Zip it! Zip it! Especially you, Ramona! Zip it! *zip it hand gesture goes here*
And, well, after that I’m not even sure what happened. Ramona moved Bethenny away from the table and Kelly simply moved her attentions one seat to the right and continued to melt down in Alex’s general direction, and then Ramona removed her too, leaving only Sonja and Kelly. Sonja pleaded with the girls to not leave her alone with that crazyperson, but they ran for the hills anyway while Sonja tried to talk sense. She’s still the new girl, so mopping up the crazy is apparently her job.
It didn’t work, though, because Kelly started blubbering about Bethenny attacking her kids in the press (even though she admits that she doesn’t have any idea whether it was Bethenny) and then moved back to her delusions about Bethenny killing her and Alex channeling the devil, and since Sonja’s new to all of this and she still has the ability to feel feelings, she felt bad. For Kelly, because Kelly is clearly insane in a clinical sense, not in a Housewives sense, and it’s mean to make fun of crazy people. I, for one, think she’s probably just a raving moron, and that’s not technically a medical problem.
Here’s my theory: she read a description of bipolar disorder somewhere and thought that acting like that would get her some camera time, but also didn’t bother to note that bipolar mood swings happen over the course of weeks, not second-to-second in the course of a conversation. So: reading comprehension FAIL. Of course, I have no proof of any of that, but it passes the truth sniff test, don’t you think?
Ultimately, Sonja was able to calm everyone down and Bethenny promised Kelly that she wasn’t going to kill her with a prison shiv, although she probably deserves at least a good punch in the face. Next week, everything should get even worse, if that’s at all possible: Jill is going to make a surprise appearance on the island and not a single person is happy about it.