Well, let’s be clear. After last week’s episode-to-end-all-episodes of Real Housewives of New York and the shocking Gossip Girl season finale (recap tomorrow) immediately before last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, our bridge-and-tunnel gals didn’t have a chance. They were outdone and outshone in every way, and based on the phoned-in hour of television we got, it seemed like they knew it.

Sage was burned, models walked, Dina’s cats continued to look weird and Danielle was still as deranged as ever. The more things change in New Jersey, the more they…well, scratch that. Nothing actually changed at all, except that Fashion Week happened and it gave everyone a reason to trundle over the bridges and through the tunnels to play in the big city. If they could just skip straight to the part of this season where someone gets knifed, that would be fantastic.

I have the attention span of a preschooler on crack as it is, and the whole monotony of this Danielle vs. The World storyline is beginning to wear on me, even after three episodes. We already mined this subject for a full season, do we really need to rehash the fact that Danielle is crazy and everyone hates her, but both parties have the sort of dogged, unflinching obsession with each other that they can’t just stop it already.

To start off the show, Jacqueline was having a cute moment with her kiddos, but that just couldn’t last. When Danielle arrived home and found a bouquet of congratulatory roses on her doorstep (her youngest kid had to explain that the flowers were not, in fact, for Danielle), she couldn’t help but be offended that Jacqueline had the gall to congratulate her daughter in such a way. I mean, the nerve of that one! To send a nice gift when you’ve had to miss someone’s event! How could she? That’s really just, like, beyond the pale. I mean really. Did Jacqueline think that Danielle was just going to take her roses lying down?

Of course not. Instead, Danielle got on the phone and left a passive-aggressive message thanking Jacqueline for the roses, immediately followed by another call telling Jacqueline that she’s a complete jerk for sending anything at all. In between those two calls, Danielle begged her little daughter for permission to call again like she was a love-sick teenager looking for another reason to call her crush. And really, I suppose that it was a lot like that – Danielle has a crush on the Manzos and Jacqueline in particular, but instead of it being an adorable teenage right of passage, it’s just creepy (and getting creepier by the episode).

So, now that we’ve seen Danielle, we have to see everyone else talking about Danielle. First up were Dina and Teresa, and Teresa was so pregnant in this episode that everyone was sure that a baby was going to fall out of her at any moment and for any reason, but she still managed to sit upright and summon up the sass to call Danielle a “ho bag,” which seems to be a new Housewives catch-phrase of sorts. Dina was a bit more circumspect and decided to consult an “energist” over her problems, who told her to confront Danielle face-to-face. And, no, that didn’t actually happen during this episode. If it had, this episode might have actually been sort of entertaining.

Next up on the docket to talk smack about Danielle were Jacqueline and Caroline, who got together and lamented that Jacqueline doesn’t understand why Danielle keeps inviting her to things if she knows that it creates conflicts with her husband. There’s nothing to understand – Danielle is crazy and obsessive and you can’t try to apply a rational framework to her. It was also (again) mentioned that Danielle never acknoweldged the birth of Jacqueline’s baby, even though Danielle got upset that she didn’t show up to support her daughter. But at this point, why is anyone surprised? Do these people not learn?

Finally, someone did something besides talk about Danielle, but I wouldn’t exactly call it an “improvement,” and by that, I mean it was still pretty cringe-worthy. Teresa took her kids shopping and they more or less destroyed the entire store, and while watching it, I’m pretty sure that my uterus packed up its things and went home, never to be heard from again. They knocked things over and ripped things off racks while Gia did her runway walk and exclaimed that she was getting everything. One of the poor shopgirls was left to pick up the pile of stuff on the floor, and I’m assuming that Teresa thought that her mess was ok because she spent two grand. The entire scene took me straight back to working retail in college, and I’m not gonna lie, it made me a little rage-y.

This is the time in the show where things got really slow for me – at one point, I actually forgot I was even watching it and started online shopping for new sports bras. Teresa proclaimed that she and Joe have sex every day and that Danielle should get a job, Joe threatened to put one of the kids out on the porch, Danielle met with her real estate agent. Yawn. Come to think of it, anyone have a good sports bra they can recommend?

Things stayed boring until it was time for Fashion Week. Jacqueline and Caroline went into the city to see Teresa’s daughter walk, but before everyone got there, Joe called Gia ugly a few times, you know, for fun, and made her cry. So he called her ugly once more, and then he threatened not to ever come watch her again. Parenting 101, you guys. That’s what Joe’s teaching here. He did everything except pull out the oh-so-constructive “I’ll give you something to cry about” line, which really would have completed the scene for me.

In other model news, Christine went to a walking coach at IMG in advance of her runway debut for none other than Rebecca Minkoff, and I was sort of disappointed that it wasn’t J Alexander wearing some insane hat and a pair of high heels with no pants. Christine had a hard time getting all of the elements of her walk down, so Danielle took it upon herself to get up and help like she actually has any idea of what was going on. Christine, being a teenager, decided that she was annoyed and, therefore, done with all of it. She was a bit rude to the walking coach, but Danielle is her mother and that’s the only time we’ve seen her act unreasonably, so I think she deserves a pass for the moment.

It was finally runway time, and Gia walked and looked utterly adorable. Jacqueline cried and, magically, Teresa managed not to squirt out a baby right there in Bryant Park. All went well at that fashion show, but the same was not the case over at Rebecca Minkoff. Christine walked and did fine, even if she looked a bit scared, but she nearly threw up and/or passed out while standing on the runway after the show for editors to inspect the clothes more closely. She was escorted back stage after a few dry heaves that made me deeply nervous that I was about to see puke, and seemed to perk up a bit after she got to sit down and have some water.

I suppose that the Fashion Week near-puke was supposed to be the dramatic climax of this episode, but it fell flat, particularly when we were reminded that Danielle’s daughter was only a sophomore in high school. In that context, it made the fact that she was being mined for reality show infamy by her mother kind of nauseating, but luckily, I was able to hold back my dry heaves as well.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • pg1908

    I feel so sorry for Christine. Being as though her mother is all set on seeing her rise to stardom (not to say she can’t the girl is gorgeous), I can only imagine her plans for the money that goes along with it being as though she is still a minor. I suggest Christine opt’s for emancipation from Danielle.

  • Handbag Lover

    Last night was sooo boring. I like the runway show. Teresa’s kids need discipline, those kids got on my last nerves with their spoil behavior. I like your re-cap as usual :).

  • Jane

    I have the Rebecca Minkoff photo stills from the runway show and easily Christine is one of the prettiest models on the runway. I must congratulate RM for getting Christine to walk her show because her name was plastered all over tv screens last night. Talk about free press, brilliant work. I must admit I feel so badly for Christine I don’t even know if she actually wants to really do any modeling or if its just something fun to do for awhile. Her mother has it in her head that she is going to be the next supermodel and she will never have to get a job and just live off of her daughters modeling money. I am already worried about where the money is going for the jobs she has booked. I am sure Danielle has her hands on the money and spent in on a lunch in where she invites “friends” to kiss her ass for a few hours about how she is such an amazing mom. It truly is disturbing how mentally ill Daniele is when it comes to her parenting. Why on earth would she have her daughter there when she is talking about putting her house on the market. It gets even creepier when she wants her daughter to actually sit there when she calls Jacqueline to “thank” her for the flowers. I am so disturbed by her parenting.

  • Mochababe73

    I felt bad for Christine. I think that she wouldn’t have acted like such a brat if her mother were not there. Danielle is too pretty to work (her words), but apparently her daughters are not. She’s already gearing up for Jillian to model.
    Teresa is my favorite housewife aside from Alexis, but her girls were out of control and out of line. My children wouldn’t dare to tear up a store like that. IF they did, we would have left the story and gotten “something to cry about” at home. She should have been thoroughly embarassed.
    Jacqueline needs to grow a pair (breasts that is). The reason why Danielle keeps at her is because Jacqueline keeps letting her in. No more text or phone calls. Block her number and be done. Like Caroline said, Danielle has no contact from because she has made it very clear about her feelings. You can’t be wishy-washy. This is the same problem that Jacqueline has with her daughter, Ashley. Who, by the way, is a spoiled little brat being taken advantage of by a 22 year old.
    Hopefully, next week will be alot more drama.

    • Mochababe73

      woops. I meant to write left the “store” not “story”.

  • Empress

    Not to make any excuse for Danielle’s deliciously crazy behavior (oh, so delicious) and bad parenting, but I have the feeling she may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Leaving spaces open at a luncheon for your daughter (who’s not invited) is stupid (and crazy). If both parties declined then that it acceptable, who cares about the reason. Nobody needs to explain why they aren’t showing up, invitation extended, invitation rejected, move on nut job. Jacqueline was very kind to send flowers in acknowledgement of CHRISTINE’S accomplishment. It is uncuth to call the sender and complain about a gift. Danielle needs a mental health evaulation.

  • Pamela

    No typos again!! I’m SHOCKED….LOL.

    And I just wanna reach through the screen and punch danielle. This isn’t the housewives of NJ that I love because of HER…if they got rid of her, guaranteed it’d be an awesome season like last year. And..is it me or is Christine slowly being a diva in making? All because she got signed by one of the best agencies in the world? I guess it’s like mother, like daughter. By the way — Danielle is acting like this because of her daughter becoming a model so they are both becoming divas and straight up crazy.

    Can’t wait for your recap on Gossip Girl…I’m still in shock over that episode.

    • Like I said last week, I WILL WIN THE TYPO GAME. :-D

      I can’t wait to write the GG recap…I just want to curl up in bed and watch the episode over and over again.

    • JenG

      It is sad to say, but if Danielle wasn’t on the show there would be no RHONJ! Each show has to have a crazy person.

  • Ivanna

    Spot on re-cap. Last night was incredibly boring. I feel badly for Danielle’s children, why she must include them when she pathetically obsesses over the Manzo’s and Teresa is beyond me, and soo sad. Anyway I’m looking forward to the upcoming episodes, Teresa was on the Wendy Williams show Monday and she mentioned that there is a cat fight coming up between Danielle and Ashley, Jacqueline’s daughter.

  • JenG

    I must agree Teresa little girls are spoiled rotten. I know she was pregnant at the time, but why didn’t she make her daughter pick up the product. It was very irritating to watch. When Danielle stood up when Christine was practicing her walk, I knew trouble was coming. I was talking to the tv, Danielle please go back to your seat. Danielle didn’t need to be present. She looked like a crazy lady standing at the end of an aisle. I don’t understand why Danielle’s children father hasn’t filed for custody. They don’t need to be around Danielle 24/7 because she is delusional.

    • suz

      I agree….why hasn’t the father stepped up to the plate?

  • Sofia Nolan

    Teresa`s children definitely need some education :)

  • Linda

    The entire scene took me straight back to working retail in college, and I’m not gonna like, it made me a little rage-y.

    OH OH, did you mean to say I’m not gonna lie instead of like? Anyway, I thought this episode was beyond boring. For all the money Theresa throws around, you’d think she wouldn’t have totally empty rooms in her house. What’s that about? And if anyone needs parenting classes…..her out of control kids make me crazy! Your recaps are the best….better than the shows……thanks.

    • AHHH GOOD EYE

      • Pamela

        U lost the typo game!!

  • Matthew

    Just a question: why did Dina not go to the fashion show? They said it was because she wanted to avoid Danielle, which at first I thought was odd but understandable. But then the two groups never seemed to get anywhere near each other and it seems as though Dina could have showed up and not had to worry about seeing Danielle at all. I just thought it was odd that everyone was supporting Gia but her.

    • I wondered that myself, but perhaps the producers wanted to shoot together and then didn’t, or they did and then just didn’t use the footage? Or maybe she had to do something with/for her daughter – it seems like they’re not even going to mention her this season, so perhaps they used Danielle as a convenient excuse?

      I honestly have no idea, but I think that there are a variety of plausible reasons.

      • Matthew

        Yeah, that all makes sense.

      • Relli

        In her blog she says that Lexie had an event that overlapped so she could not make it.

  • janis

    sports bras! the ones are target are suprisingly good, the ones that take in your sweat. on sale they’re like $12. not any brand name but they’re good.

  • amy

    lol i love your play on words for this one. great work. And dont worry im not counting your typos. :) Dina didnt go to the fashion show because Teresa explained in her blog she had scheduling issues with Lexi, her daugher. So,… whatever that meant.

  • Nancy

    Great recap! Your recap is way better than the actual show. It was so boring, I caught up my email during the show. lol

  • Relli

    Amanda, Nike has great sports bras even some that even have separate mesh like cups that do not give quite such a uni look. I get mine from TJMaxx, they are awesome and very supportive.

    These people are painfully boring.

    • Oooo thanks, I’ll take a look at TJ Maxx the next time I’m running errands. I’m, uh, “large chested” so strappin’ the girls down is of the utmost importance.

  • Sher77

    You are funny, Amanda. I was online shopping, too, during the show !! multi-tasking, I think it’s called. Christine is a lovely girl. Danielle’s children must look like their Dad. Who is he? I’ve forgotten. Anyway Danielle is super scary. She kept acting like she was a big runway model, back in the day, like before she was transporting cocaine.

  • amy

    has anyone bought Teresa’s Book, Skinny Italian?

  • Jodie

    Teresa looks like E.T. screwed a gorilla.

  • Jodie

    Oh forgot to say, Amanda, love you posts, well written and funny. When will the next one come out?

  • Ashley

    So . . . I feel that I must say, in defense of Joe, my dad constantly teased me, all the time, just because he knew it bothered me. Until I learned to ignore him and not respond, he continued to do that. I’m not excusing Joe’s behavior, but I do understand how it works. I was the only girl, the middle child, and definitely had to learn to ignore such behavior or it got worse.

    I think that Dina has checked out of the show. It seems like last season caused her personal issues, so it seems like she’s on for no reason except a contract.

    I actually like Teresa- has anyone read her blogs on bravotv? Danielle’s true colors really show up during her blogs- she is so vile and disgusting. Someday she wants to “provide” for her kids? How about selling the house, getting your 1 million, and buying a house for less than 500,000 even- that would certainly leave some money left. What a “ho-bag” to quote Teresa- and remembering last season, I would call her that.

  • Manuela

    Note to Linda: yeah, many of the rooms in Theresa’s house may be empty, but I gurantee you those closets are overflowing!
    I really feel for Danielle’s girls. They seems to operate in a kind of “survival mode” against their mother’s Crazyville. The sooner those girls reach the age of majority or become emancipated, the better for the outcomes of their adult lives. UGH! And shame on their dad for leaving them to fend for themselves in Danielle’s house! If he knows he couldn’t do it in a marriage, how could he expect two little girls to do so?!

  • john

    Wow i’m blown away that no one close to Teresa has the nerve to tell her that none of her kids are model material .. Is she blind?? .. don’t cry Gia you are a ugly duckling, the agencies are and will take your money, but take some advice .. SAVE IT! … you know what those kids remind me of, those “flying monkeys on Wizard or Oz!” .. with the “special” droopy eyes. Can’t wait to see how “special” the one in the oven looks.

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