Real Housewives of New Jersey: “If you’re not familiar with the table flip, you’re probably not from New Jersey”

As much as I loved Tuesday’s season finale of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, you totally missed out if you stopped there and didn’t watch what Bravo lovingly referred to as the “Last Supper.” It was the “director’s cut” of the now-infamous dinner fiasco, and it featured some extra footage and lots of extra commentary from the housewives, and perhaps more importantly, from their kids. The whole thing left me absolutely giddy and gleeful for no reason that I can think of, but it was a huge mess of fun and surreality that is perhaps unequaled in the annals of trashy reality television. Even by Rock of Love Bus, and if you’ve seen that show, then you know just how god-awful this fight would have to be to top it. Oh, and it was. Since we’ve already done the rundown of the story, let’s talk about what new things we’ve learned from this special in an oh-so-convenient list format.

1. They were all stinking drunk. I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before, but perhaps it was just creative editing on the part of the show’s producers. But they were certainly all wasted, except for maybe Danielle, but ESPECIALLY Teresa. They had cocktails before dinner and then lots of wine during, and the way that they were all giggling and keening about and whooping and clapping at every joke says it all. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I went to a Top 10 Party School (Top 5 in a good year. Go Dawgs!), I’ve seen some slap-happy drunks in my life. Suddenly, it makes so much sense that Teresa flew off the handle and couldn’t really make complete sentences; we all have a friend that’s like that when she gets drunk. Maybe yours has never had occasion to flip a table, but who knows what the future holds.

2. Not everyone knows how to lie. But some people do. Namely, Caroline. Which is weird, because baby sister Dina has no idea whatsoever. As I touched on last time, if you’re going to lie, you have to live your lie. It has to become your personal truth. You cannot waiver, you cannot stumble, and if you think you might, you shouldn’t do anything that you need to lie about in the first place. Caroline was on top of her lie – that she was the one in charge of showing the book around town. She never changed her story. Dina, on the other hand, was all over the place – she had nothing to do with it, then she had everything to do with it, but she never actually held the book all by herself, which is a distinction that is not only ridiculous but also completely irrelevant. If you’re going to create your own personal reality and sell it to others, you have to channel OJ Simpson – even after you’re acquitted, you vow to find the real killer. If you’re not prepared to do that, then maybe work on owning up to your crappy behavior instead.

3. All of the kids need their own show. Easily the best part of this entire special was getting to hear all of the commentary on the events by the Housewives’ kids. They’ve been woefully excluded from much of the show thus far, and their awareness of their parents’ ridiculous behavior is at a level of maturity way beyond that of those who bore them. Particularly Caroline’s kids – say what you want about her, but she’s obviously been a responsible mother that commands a lot of respect from her children and has taught them how to act in awkward social situations. They’ve done her well – they all managed to act like reasonable adults on a reality TV show when the real adults were acting like kids. And reasonable adults, let alone young ones, are something rarely seen in this format. Danielle and Dina’s kids seemed to be more amused by the whole situation than anything, which perhaps also demonstrates the personality traits that they’ve either learned or inherited from their mothers. Even so, all the teenagers, who are supposed to be at the most melodramatic points in their lives, seemed to think the whole situation was blown out of proportion. Maybe the kids are alright after all.

4. “We all flip a table or two in our lives.” Danielle’s older daughter said this and it struck me as kind of a universal truth, at least metaphorically. We all have our moments. I choked out a dude on a public sidewalk on New Year’s Eve because he made a snide comment at my friend. I was sober, it was just one of those moments. Sometimes the perfect storm gathers, and we get pissed off, and the anger bubbles over into a tableau of insanity for all the world to see. Luckily, I’m not on a reality show (and also luckily, the cops didn’t see me). Teresa happened to be on one when she had one of her moments, and I like her better for it. No matter how old we get or how rich we marry, we’re all still the same. And by that, I mean we’re all secretly nuts.

5. I would like someone to get me Christopher Manzo’s number, if possible. I’m more serious than I want to be with this one – the kid is adorable and hilarious. Lord knows I love a sarcastic jerk, and he sorta looks like a guy I used to be totally in love with, in a weird way, and I don’t care if he is 25% younger than I am. I’ll be a cougar at 23. Except then Caroline would be breathing down my neck and I’m not sure I’d pass muster to enter the Manzo clan. But everyone talks about Albie, and he’s cute, but he’s also in grad school and I’ve never done well dating grad students. He also doesn’t seem to have the sense of humor of his brother, and all a girl really wants to do is laugh, right? …Right? Well, whatever. If you guys don’t hear from me again, it’s because Caroline read this, flew to Georgia and knifed me. Check the car trunks.

So that’s it for this week, but it looks like we have plenty of Real Housewives zaniness to go – a two-part reunion and a show of outtakes are coming up, starting next week. And you best believe I’ll be back for those if I don’t get whacked first. Seriously, the car trunks. Check them.