Real Housewives of Miami (3)

Has ever a cheating confrontation been as flat and unemotional as the one between Joanna and Romain on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami? Not that I can think of, but admittedly, there are probably some cheating confrontations that I’ve missed over the years. The ones that I’m familiar with are usually during late-night reruns of Cheaters, which occasionally involves the host getting stabbed. (Seriously. Google that. Thank me later.)

Most of the rest of the episode was taken up with talking about people who weren’t present for somewhat dubious reasons, which is a long-standing Real Housewives tradition, particularly at this point in the season. Oh, and Adriana took her top off. It only took four episodes this season!

When we left last week’s episode, Joanna was wasted at her fiancé’s party and making a scene on behalf of her sister, who she had previously warned not to make a scene at that very party. This week, we started with the daylight aftermath of Joanna’s toddler tantrum. She got together with Romain on the beach for a heart-to-heart after several nights sleeping in Marta’s room, and Romain requested that she stop drinking because she gets drunk and acts a fool. The real issue might actually be Joanna’s sister, though, and Romain didn’t want to talk about that. Naturally! Let’s avoid one of the big underlying problems in the relationship entirely. He very effectively changed the subject, though – he tattled on Adriana’s flirtation from the club.

Speaking of Adriana, it was time to have her photo taken for…an art fair? Something like that. She showed up with a hilarious giant roller on top of her head, but thankfully, they took that off and did her hair before her picture was taken. By the end of the photo shoot, the photog wanted Adriana to take her top off, a subject about which she was faux-modest until Frenchy Fiancé “convinced” her it would be a good idea. Considering what I vaguely remember of Adriana’s antics last season, I’m surprised her intro during the credits doesn’t include her gyrating topless, so forgive me for not being moved by her moral dilemma.

On a somewhat more serious note, Karent and her mother got together to usher along the Karent-Rodolfo marriage storyline. Karent wants to get married, which we already knew, and it seems like her mother would like her to get married too. What a shocking thing to hear from a woman in her late-30s, let alone her mother! I don’t think mom is entirely convinced that Rodolfo is a good dude, though, and deep down, I’m not sure that Karent is either. Social norms and pressure from friends and family start to really mess with a woman’s head at that age, though, which is probably a heavy influence on the grand delusion that Karent has going about Rodolfo’s tenuous fidelity. She mentioned during her conversation with her mom that it took her a while to trust Rodolfo again after their previous breakup, which makes me think that perhaps his wandering eye isn’t new. It never is, ladies. It never is.

At Lisa’s house, things were also a bit serious. She and Lenny sat down to discuss their fertility issues and they hit some very serious subjects, including whether or not Lisa’s low weight might be making things more difficult, the number of miscarriages she’s had (three) and how they deal with a miscarriage (Lenny get frustrated, which prevents him from being as sensitive as Lisa needs him to be). For their age difference and Lisa’s apparent trophy wife-ness, they seem like a fairly functional, affectionate couple. So far, at least. But considering that most couples can’t even seem not-terrible for two episode of this show in a row, I may have jumped the gun a bit in my initial contempt for Lisa.

Thankfully, things lightened up a bit at the photo exhibit where Adriana’s photos were to be displayed. Thankfully (for us), the nudes didn’t make the cut for placement on the walls, but one small, fairly unexciting photo of her did. And it sold! (To a Bravo producer.) Karent arrived, saw the photo and immediately badgered the photographer to take her picture too. Lea was there as well, but she was impressed by absolutely nothing that happened, which seems to be the only emotion that Lea is capable of having: unimpressed. I understand throwing some shade at Karent, but why come to an event to celebrate a long-time friend and act like a passive-aggressive twat for the entire 10 minutes that you deign to be there? For the camera time, maybe? Because Lea has a really misguided sense of what will make her look cool? On Real Housewives, failing to care doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look boring and then you get booted off the cast in favor of some striving harpy who is more than willing to tug on a few wigs.

After Lea left, Karent tried to start some drama with Adriana about Lea, which didn’t work because Adriana knows better. They walked around and looked at a bit more art, which Karent clearly had no clue about, and then they met one of Adriana’s favorite artists. She was THRILLED to be in his presence (apparently he doesn’t like to appear in public or have his photo taken, according to Adriana), and he permitted her a photo. Karent, apparently sensing that she was in the presence of an important person and should document how vicariously important that makes her, also got in line to have her photo taken. They both then tweeted the photos (as one does), and Adriana got mad that Karent tweeted first.

Is this all incredibly dumb? Yes, yes it is. It’s not something that people should be getting noticeably irritated about. But, sometimes it’s important to be conscious of others and just let people have their “thing.” Karent seems like an unrepentant spotlight-chaser so far (remember, she’s a dentist with a publicist), which puts even a fairly innocuous action in a bit of an irritating light. Just let your friend have the glory of taking a photo with a reclusive artist, Karent. You don’t know who the hell he is anyway!

Now for something completely different: Joanna went to rehearsals for LGBT charity show in which she was dancing, and unfortunately she made the mistake of bringing her sister along. Marta sat on the sidelines, making fun of every little mistake that Joanna made while she was learning the routine and cackling distractingly from off camera. I’ll ask again: Why doesn’t this woman have a job? Even if she doesn’t have a long work history, doesn’t Joanna or Romain know someone who needs an assistant or something? ANYTHING? Charity work? A hobby? Will no one hang out with Marta who’s not a blood relative?

At some random art party that evening, we got to see last week’s drag queen in his dude clothes, which is always jarring. Have you guys seen RuPaul as a dude? It’s incredible. The power of makeup, hairspray and a good bra, you guys. We could all learn from it. Anyway, Karent hadn’t been invited to this particular party because she is kind of pain in everyone’s ass, and Marysol didn’t show up either. That didn’t stop Dude Elaine Lancaster and Lea from talking smack about her to the rest of the cast members, though, and Alexia and Ana’s defense of Marysol was feeble at best. Oddly, though, I still have no idea who to think is in the right in this whole fight. Is it me, or do we not have any kind of expository information about what actually happened, other than a drag queen who was late for a red carpet?

After Elaine’s (I can’t remember his dude name. James?) hissy fit was contained, we moved on to a new hissy fit: Adriana complaining about Karent’s photo faux pas from earlier in the episode. Like I explained before, I see Adriana’s point; Karent is one of those people who has to nose their way in to absolutely anything that’s going on, even if it doesn’t involve them or their interests, for the sake of attention. What I don’t see, though, is why it has to be a big issue brought up at a party, including pantomiming the incident for all to see. That’s the kind of shade you throw on someone at brunch the next day with a couple of close girlfriends who also despise the transgressor, not the kind that you make into a big, splashy story at a party. Mostly because it’s not a big, splashy story to begin with.

Naturally, Marysol had been spoken of but not seen in this episode, so it was time to send Ana to have lunch with her and fill her in on what had been said at the party. Lea’s nastiness was mentioned, of course, and Ana made a good point – Lea acts very holier-than-thou toward many of the other cast members, particularly those who have rich husbands and don’t work. Well, guess what? Lea has a rich husband and doesn’t work. She married rich and that’s why she is where she is. Lea’s good at making us look at her back story differently, but that’s the truth of the matter. Her husband might be old money, but she’s as new as the rest of them.

At dinner that evening, Karent, Lisa and Joanna got together to discuss the what kind of shade had been thrown at Adriana’s art party. Karent was informed of Adriana’s irritation and admitted that she merely wanted her picture taken with the artist because Adriana made him seem really famous, and she likes getting her picture taken with famous people. The ability to admit being a spotlight-seeker makes Karent ever so slightly less annoying. But only slightly. The fact that she seems to need to hold her mouth wide open in order to listen effectively still bothers me.

Our next stop was Ana’s house, where she was getting ready for Winterfest, at which Joanna would be dancing and Karent would be showing up with her smarmy boyfriend to make everyone feel awkward. The upshot of the whole thing was that Ana’s daughters are kind of funny and fairly normal, which Real housewives should be able to change in no time flat. We quickly switched over to Joanna, who was getting glammed up with her sister and wondering if Romain was cheating on her. She had received a phone call in the middle of the night from one of the club’s employees, informing her that Romain was making out with a dancer. Cheating would certainly explain Romain’s lack of recent sexual interest in his supermodel fiancé, wouldn’t it?

Joanna confronted Romain, of course, and his response was that she’s silly for even thinking it might be true. He didn’t seem particularly surprised be the accusation, though, which either means that the entire thing was staged for the benefit of the cameras (probable) or he wasn’t surprised because he knew that he had done it and someone had seen him (also probable?). Either way, Joanna didn’t seem particularly emotional about the whole thing, which makes me think it’s the former. (Her sister, notably, was more than happy to use the occasion for a few extra seconds of screen time once they all arrived at Winterfest.)

After Joanna was done with her performance, Romain came backstage and sucked up to her about as hard as I’ve ever seen a boyfriend suck up. He even wants her to dance at Mynt, you guys! That’s totally not a technique to distract her and swing her affection back in his favor! Not at all. At one point during the episode, Romain also advised Joanna to ignore everyone who accuses him of things, which is a strategy straight out of the Rodolfo Playbook. We didn’t get any answers last night, but I’m sure there will be more information to come.

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