I would love Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and all of the other “Housewives” shows) infinitely more if the casts were forced to travel for the entire season. No matter where Bravo sends these women, being away from home always, always results in more drama, fights and memorable moments than would have happened within the safe confines of their homes cities. Can you imagine it? Like a reality TV version of Semester at Sea. (Did MTV do that already?) Anyway, on last night’s episode, the cast decamped to Palm Springs for a short sojourn for no reason in particular, and as we’ve come to expect by now, Brandi started stirring the pot on arrival.
1. Brandi is writing a sexy sex book about sex. Just in case we needed another reminded that BRANDI LIKES SEX THINGS, you guys.
2. Joyce likes clothes. Why is it that every Real Housewife seems to think that her love of fashion is something that makes her unique from all the others? A love of overpriced maxi dresses, curling irons and mediocre white wine are basically the only three personality traits that all Housewives have in common.
3. Carlton’s still upset that Kyle asked her about witchcraft. She’s also offended that Kyle said something about Lisa’s nipple one time, and that Kyle committed an act of good hostessing in the middle of some inane story about Carlton’s cat killing a bird. For someone who seems to pride herself on violating every norm she can find, Carlton finds the most basic elements of human interaction offensive. Maybe a detailed diatribe of a bird’s execution just isn’t something worth waiting through before popping a bottle.
4. For all her faults, Brandi does have pretty good comedic timing.
“Palm Springs was the first place I did the Master Cleanse.”
“Oh really? It was the first place I did cocaine.”
“I’m just kidding.”
“Oh, I thought you were serious.”
“No, that was San Francisco.”
5. Joyce doesn’t look like a “Joyce.” Not because she’s Latina, which seems to be what Brandi’s stuck on, but because Joyce was a name most popular a generation or two before hers. Most Joyces are grandma-aged, like Kandi’s mom on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Most Jennifers are in their 30s. That’s just how name trends work.
6. Still, you gotta call people by their correct names. Joyce has every right to get mad at Brandi for calling her the wrong name a million times, making fun of her accent and invoking a random stereotype about black people and swimming. Brandi, as always, started digging a hole and then kept on digging, in an apparent belief that she would eventually get to China and the language barrier would prevent her from offending anyone. (SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work. It never works!)
7. Joyce wants to compete with your religion to establish whose religion is the most correct. The hitch here, of course, is that everyone thinks their religion is the most correct, but that’s an idea that requires more than the thimble’s worth of self-awareness that each Housewife is allowed to have in order to sacrifice themselves to this show. I look forward to watching the grudge match between Joyce’s God and Carlton’s Nature Energy. Maybe Andy will save that for the reunion.
8. “Bullying” is now a radioactive word on all Bravo shows. We can blame this on Alexis from Orange County, I think.
9. A producer’s wife is totally going to be an actress, you guys! Actually, well, apparently she is. That show Joyce tried to talk about actually happened, and it looks as though it will continue to happen. Joyce is, indeed, listed as the lead actress. It’s on NBC and everything. In spite of Joyce’s near-constant beauty-queen smile (seriously, it’s always the same creepy pageant smile no matter her mood), it looks like she has more to brag about than most of the other cast members. Here’s hoping that “bragging about Siberia” is the new “bragging about my husband’s dong.”
10. How do you define a “girls’ girl,” exactly? At some point during the dinner party’s inevitable devolvement, it seemed as though everyone at the table was arguing over who was the most “girls’ girl” of them all. To me, that description belongs to people who place particular emphasis on positive female friendships in spite of how women are socialized to compete with each other and place ultimate value on the opinions of men. So that would describe…none of these women? Maybe Lisa? She takes up for her female friends pretty regularly and doesn’t let Ken run her show. Yolanda has her moments, but definitely doesn’t fall under that description consistently. The rest of them…nah.
Handbag count: One Hermes Birkin, one bicolor Celine Luggage Tote, one Chanel Grand Shopping Tote, a Prada madras satchel, Brandi’s omnipresent Stella McCartney Falabella, a Louis Vuitton Keepall, a Louis Vuitton Pegase rolling suitcase, Lisa’s giant white leather suitcase (Valextra?), a Juicy Couture beach bag (LISA OWNS SOMETHING FROM JUICY COUTURE), some gross thing with an overdone embroidered gothic cross motif (guess who carried that one).