Let’s not get it twisted: everybody hates Kim.
Does she deserve it? Well, we’ll explore that in a second. What I’ll say now is that I’m almost kind of proud that the most ridiculous Housewives of the entire franchise are from my hometown, although I probably shouldn’t be. But really, if you can’t enjoy some wig-wearing, trash-talking, gold-digging, house-foreclosing, completely delusional fun, then what exactly are you getting out of life? And why are you reading this recap?
I think that, in the span of two episodes, The Real Housewives of Atlanta have already topped their New Jersey counterparts. Tables have yet to be flipped, but they’ve already created two public disturbances by having screaming matches in otherwise-tranquil places like offices and restaurants. It looks like next week takes it out onto the streets of Atlanta, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves; what happened last night?
We’ll start with the housewives that aren’t central to last night’s biggest drama, Lisa and Kandi. Lisa, like Jacqueline before her, is trying to have another baby well into her 30s. Her husband, football player Ed Hartwell, is all about the idea and planned a romantic evening to try to goad her into bed after a trip to a fertility specialist to discuss what difficulties they may have going forward. It all seemed very sweet – he even cooked the meal himself – but it made me a tad uncomfortable in the same way that really gushy, lovey-dovey weddings make me uncomfortable. It seemed like a moment best had privately instead of in front of America, but I guess that’s part of the deal that you make when you sell your soul to Bravo. I hope they’re being well-compensated for taking a bath with each other on television, at any rate.
Kandi isn’t a part of the group drama yet, but she appears to have plenty of her own. She’s a single mom of an adorable daughter that makes her own money, but she’s engaged to a man that has six children and FOUR baby mamas. FOUR, ladies. I can understand that once you get to a certain stage in your life, it’s basically impossible to date a man that hasn’t been married or had a kid, but isn’t six kids by four women a sign of, I don’t know, a PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR? Kandi seems like she’s got her head on straight and definitely has a great career, so I hope if she goes through with the marriage, she signs an airtight prenup. I can’t help but agree with her mom on this one, although I did quite enjoy the song she was writing with Jazze Pha about the whole situation. I’d iTunes it.
Now, to the main event. Nene and Sheree have a little Kim problem that they’re trying to deal with, which leads to the adventures in profanity that ultimately close the episode. First, though, Sheree heads to the gun range with her friend Tania to get herself armed, and if I were Kim, I’d be a little nervous after watching Sheree gun down a target in painted-on leather pants and a fierce pair of studded Louboutins. In fact, it makes me a little nervous. No disrespect meant in my last recap, Sheree. We’re good, right? Ya know, a blogger has to make a living. Seriously, folks, she lives within easy driving distance of me.
Before the showdown, Kim spent most of her face time on this episode getting squashed into outfits that are way too tight for her and made her giant fake boobs look even gianter and faker. Her “designer” friend made another appearance with some cocktail dresses that were made for women ten years younger and thirty pounds lighter than Kim, but that didn’t stop her from deciding that she looked FABULOUS in them, and he reassured her that she did so that she’d continue to write him fat checks with some stupid married guy’s money. He also assured her that her Nancy Gonzalez bag was fab, and at first neither Megs nor I believed that it was really a designer bag at all, but after a bit of searching, it appears she was telling the truth. And she somehow managed to pick the least attractive bag ever made by a designer that has rarely made a bag that isn’t totally fabulous – that should tell you something about Kim right there. And also, she has a big naked picture of herself framed on her bedroom wall, so if her bag didn’t have you convinced, that should remove any doubt.
Nene and Kim met up in advance, and somehow it turned into a drunken, boob-filled love fest (they make talk more about cleavage in NJ, but we’ve seen more of it in these two episodes than we ever saw from them). Kim sat on Nene’s lap at one point, for reason that aren’t entirely clear to anyone, including Nene. And although Kim may have emerged from that dinner unscathed, she wouldn’t from the next – the end results of which we have yet to see. But what we did see continues to encourage me that this season will be the one to top all others.
Nene and Sheree decided to stage a KIMTERVENTION, to which Kim jokingly brought a helmet that she might end up needing in a non-joking way. Their mission was to tell her to stop being such a lying sack of crap and, well, that’s all she knows how to be, and leopards with polyester hair don’t change their weaves (ok, so I may have mixed up my metaphor there…). Kim wasn’t pleased by this, obviously, and none of these women knows how to use her inside voice, so profanities start flying and no one ever seems to remember that they’re in public or that they have chairs in which they could be sitting. Diners and employees alike gawked at their spectacle, and after Sheree called Kim trailer trash, Kim stormed out of the restaurant with Sheree hot on her heels to take their circus side-show to the streets of Midtown. And that’s where we leave our Housewives, our lust for a wig-snatching good time left unsatiated until next week…